My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[May87]

Привет Всем
Прошу помогите, мне нужно ваше независимое мнение.
Заранее благодарю

“Research indicates that the characteristics we are born with have much more influence on our personality and development than any experiences we may have in life”

Scientists for ages try to find any clue to human being’s organism, its abilities and personality. It is still unexplainable why some of us are born with talents in arts, music or writing poetry, and others with genius abilities to count numbers in their minds and memorize pages of novels by heart. So, scientist’s interest in characteristics of people and experience that they may have in life and their influence on people’s personality is clear.

To my mind, it is all in our genes. Exactly genetic code indicates our future characteristics before we are born. There is a good example of such affect, Lomonosov M.V., who was born in poor family of workers in village, would have never succeed as the most influential scientist of the 19th century if he had not his genetically based abilities and talents in this field. More simply, living in the surrounding of uneducated people did not affect him, furthermore made him develop his innate skills.

In addition, this research may explain why some people from generation to generations do the same sort of business and do not try to change their way. Families with the story of wine masters continue their custom, because they do it better than anything else. In other words, they were born to be wine masters.

On the other hand, experience that we may get through our lives is very important too. Undoubtedly, it may change some of born people’s abilities and skills. For instance, people who lost their ability to see due to horrible obstacles of accident may get better ability to hear perfectly. Moreover, we may train any skills and succeed in this point if there is a strong necessity or wish.

In conclusion, I’d like to add that our characteristics “in our hands” and hands of God. We shall be glad to what we have and were born with. Furthermore, we should develop all our talents that we were blessed and realize them in our lives.

[newjersey]

Пожалуйста покритикуйте эссе. На какой бал оно могло бы потянуть? Спасибо за помощь!

The idea of going overseas for university study is an exciting prospect for many people. But while it may offer some advantages, it is probably better to stay home because of the difficulties a student inevitably encounters living and studying in a different culture. To what extent do you agree or disagree this statement? Give reasons for your answer.

Today many young people have (1) great opportunity to (2) get education abroad. Many parents believe that gaining new knowledge and experience overseas is much better than in (their?) own country. However (,) other parents are sure that a newcomer faces many difficulties and challenges. In this essay I will analyze arguments for and against of (3) studying in other country.

There is no doubt that students have many benefits during their education abroad. Let’s take for example the fact that any student must to (4) learn a foreign language in order to communicate with students, teachers and other people. Proficiency in a foreign language allows to (5) make new friends all over the world or for instance (6) make a career in an international company in the future. Another important aspect of this is that young people learn (a) new culture through customs and traditions of a country where they live and learn (7). As a result, a (8 ) one develops global thinking and better understanding (of) other people. Thus, it is clear why people gravitate towards (9) first point of view.

On the other hand, there are many disadvantages while a student lives in a foreign country. One of the most obvious minuses of this is absence of parents, relatives and old friends. Consequently, a student feels homesick and loneliness (10) abroad. Another important issue is that a student have (11) to pay for accommodation whether he or she lives with a family or in a campus. So (the) amount of money which parents have to pay for their children’s education is much bigger than it would be in their native country. After analyzing these facts, it is clear why many support the second point of view.

Taking into account all mentioned above I incline (12) to believe that a student has more advantage than disadvantage in a foreign country but parentS have to help their children there.

(1) a great opportunity - артикль
(2) я бы сказал study вместо get education
(3) against of - of не надо
(4) must + глагол всегда без to
(5) конструкция "позволяет сделать что-то" употребляется в двух видах - или allows making (без to, второй глагол в герундии) или allows them (students) to make - с объектом, и тогда уже с to.
(6) запятые
(7) study ?
(8 ) one develops - one всегда без артикля
(9) the first - контекст задан, я бы поставил определенный артикль
(10) части речи разъехались - или homesickness/loneliness или homesick/lonely
(11) a student - has. 3е лицо ед. числа. Или students - have.
(12) I am inclined to believe

[curlygirl]

Привет всем!Вот только что состряпала тоже. Покритикуйте пожалуйста. В следующую субботу уже сдавать.

In most countries disabled people are not catered for adequately, e.g.
buildings are often inappropriately designed. Governments rely too heavily
on charities and voluntary organisations to provide assistance and funding.
What further measures could be taken to assist disabled people?
Discuss.


In the past centuries get disability meant to be sentenced at home lifetime prison, being poor, often hungry or become a beggar. Nowadays, disabled people have more freedom and more choices in life. They have state pension and medical treatment in many countries and can move using special chairs. Although their lives have changed considerably a lot of improvements should be taken to make them feel more comfortable.
First of all, governments should take more responsibility for providing funds to educate citizens with disabilities and stimulate state and private businesses in employing them. Although the number of jobs these people can do is restricted to some home-based activities or simple technical work disabled men and women want to work. We therefore should provide them with necessary education and work places. This way we can solve two problems. One is to let them feel more needed and another one is to decrease state funding. Blind people, for example, can work as phone representatives. And most of them can do handicrafts work. Factories or other enterprises employing disabled people should have partial tax exemption.
Further steps should be taken to let people with restricted abilities feel themselves as a part of community. To do this, more special events can be lead. For instance, sport events for disabled are very encouraging not only for them but also for us, who are healthy. Another good chance to socialize is to open special marriage agencies. Being in a couple is a natural human desire and disabled people are not an exemption. Married couples are normally better cope with problems and feel happier.
From the other side people with restricted abilities can also do a lot to help themselves. Mutual help communities or interest clubs proved to be a great support. They share their experience, provide support and advice for those who feel lonely or depressed.
To conclude, I would like to express my own opinion. I believe that not only governments should help disabled people but people around them such as next door neighbors can be of good help and support.

Спасибо заранее.

[newjersey]

Привет Всем
Прошу помогите, мне нужно ваше независимое мнение.
Заранее благодарю

“Research indicates that the characteristics we are born with have much more influence on our personality and development than any experiences we may have in life”

Scientists for ages try to find any clue to human being’s organism, its abilities and personality. It is still unexplainable why some of us are born with talents in arts, music or writing poetry, and others with genius abilities to count numbers in their minds and memorize pages of novels by heart. So, scientist’s (1) interest in characteristics of people and experience that they may have in life and their influence on people’s personality is clear.

To my mind, it is all in our genes. Exactly (2) genetic code indicates our future characteristics before we are born. There is a good example of such affect (3), Lomonosov M.V., who was born in poor (4) family of workers (5) in village, would have never succeed as the most influential scientist of the 19th(6) century if he had not his genetically based abilities and talents in this field (7). More simply, living in the surrounding of uneducated people did not affect him, furthermore made him develop his innate skills.

In addition, this research may explain why some people from generation to generations(8 ) do the same sort of business and do not try to change their way. Families with the story of wine masters continue their custom, because they do it better than anything else. In other words, they were born to be wine masters.

On the other hand, experience that we may get through our lives is very important too. Undoubtedly, it may change some of born people’s abilities (9)and skills. For instance, people who lost their ability to see due to horrible obstacles of accident (10) may get better ability to hear perfectly. Moreover, we may train any skills and succeed in this point if(11) there is a strong necessity or wish (12).

In conclusion, I’d like to add that our characteristics “in our hands” and hands of God. We shall be glad to (13) what we have and were born with. Furthermore, we should develop all our talents that we were blessed (with) and realize them in our lives.

(1) scientists' - у вас единственное число, а надо множественное, притяжательная форма - апостроф сзади.
(2) exactly не к месту, без него лучше
(3) Effect
(4) Ломоносов родился в зажиточной семье
(5) рыбаков-поморов
(6) в 18 веке
(7) и если бы не третья жена его отца, которая била его ухватом по голове, то он бы не бегал в церковь читать книжки, а когда его хотели насильно женить, не сбежал бы в Москву с рыбным обозом своего отца.
(8 ) generation без S
(9) some of our genetic abilities, some abilities people are born with
(10) a horrible accident
(11) and succeed in it
(12) will лучше чем wish
(13) glad/happy to have what we have

[May87]

newjersey Спасибо за исправления
По вашему мнению на сколько может потянуть мое эссе???
Только сейчас заметила, что сделала кучу опечаток, когда переносила сюда.
Пишу первое эссе, а экзамен уже скоро. Народ знающий подскажите в чем мои пробелы, на что больше уделить внимание?

[curlygirl]

Ой, newjersey.


Ты так хорошо критикуешь, покритикуй и мое пожалуйста.

[Jedd x]

(4) Ломоносов родился в зажиточной семье
(5) рыбаков-поморов
(6) в 18 веке

На экзамене интеллектуальные ошибки считают?
Я думал что можно лепить все равно что...

[Grifffin]

Привет Всем
Прошу помогите, мне нужно ваше независимое мнение.
Заранее благодарю

“Research indicates that the characteristics we are born with have much more influence on our personality and development than any experiences we may have in life”

Scientists for ages try to find any clue to human being’s organism, its abilities and personality. It is still unexplainable why some of us are born with talents in arts, music or writing poetry, and others with genius abilities to count numbers in their minds and memorize pages of novels by heart. So, scientist’s interest in characteristics of people and experience that they may have in life and their influence on people’s personality is clear.

To my mind, it is all in our genes. Exactly genetic code indicates our future characteristics before we are born. There is a good example of such affect, Lomonosov M.V., who was born in poor family of workers in village, would have never succeed as the most influential scientist of the 19th century if he had not his genetically based abilities and talents in this field. More simply, living in the surrounding of uneducated people did not affect him, furthermore made him develop his innate skills.

In addition, this research may explain why some people from generation to generations do the same sort of business and do not try to change their way. Families with the story of wine masters continue their custom, because they do it better than anything else. In other words, they were born to be wine masters.

On the other hand, experience that we may get through our lives is very important too. Undoubtedly, it may change some of born people’s abilities and skills. For instance, people who lost their ability to see due to horrible obstacles of accident may get better ability to hear perfectly. Moreover, we may train any skills and succeed in this point if there is a strong necessity or wish.

In conclusion, I’d like to add that our characteristics “in our hands” and hands of God. We shall be glad to what we have and were born with. Furthermore, we should develop all our talents that we were blessed and realize them in our lives.

В общем эссе ни о чем. Структура нулевая. От вас требовалось выдвинуть идею (или выделить ту точку зрения которую вы решили рассматривать) в заголовке и развить ее.

1. Вступление не содержит никокой идеи. Одна описательность.
2. Первый абзац (1 довод) еще более-менее.
3. Второй абзац вообще ни о чем
4. Третий дает контр-мнение а вас о нем не просили.
5. В заключении нет подитоживания и вывода.

В общем то написано на Рунглише (т.е. по русски английскими буквами). Есть полет мысли (идеи прут но их нереально переложить на английский).

На 7 точно не тянет.

[May87]

Спасибо за конструктивную критику в адрес моего эссе
Я только сейчас, порывшись на форуме, стала понимать, что в эссе IELTSа надо строго строить соответствующую структуру, должно быть не более двух идей за или против, которые должны быть раскрыты примерами.
Значит у меня проблемы в структуре, неправильном построении саппортинг параграфов, что еще????

[newjersey]

В общем эссе ни о чем. Структура нулевая. От вас требовалось выдвинуть идею (или выделить ту точку зрения которую вы решили рассматривать) в заголовке и развить ее.

1. Вступление не содержит никокой идеи. Одна описательность.
2. Первый абзац (1 довод) еще более-менее.
3. Второй абзац вообще ни о чем
4. Третий дает контр-мнение а вас о нем не просили.
5. В заключении нет подитоживания и вывода.

В общем то написано на Рунглише (т.е. по русски английскими буквами). Есть полет мысли (идеи прут но их нереально переложить на английский).

На 7 точно не тянет.

так как правильно то?

[newjersey]

Привет всем!Вот только что состряпала тоже. Покритикуйте пожалуйста. В следующую субботу уже сдавать.

In most countries disabled people are not catered for adequately, e.g.
buildings are often inappropriately designed. Governments rely too heavily
on charities and voluntary organisations to provide assistance and funding.
What further measures could be taken to assist disabled people?
Discuss.


In the past centuries get(1) disability meant to be sentenced at (2) home lifetime (3) prison, being poor, often hungry or become a beggar. Nowadays, disabled people have more freedom and more choices in life. They have state pensionS and medical treatment in many countries and can move (around) using special chairs. Although their lives have changed considerably, a lot of improvements should be taken(4) to make them feel more comfortable.

First of all, governments should take more responsibility for providing funds to educate citizens with disabilities and stimulate state and private businesses in employing them. Although the number of jobs these people can do is restricted to some home-based activities or simple technical work, disabled men and women want to work. We therefore should provide them with necessary education and work places. This way we can solve two problems. One is to let them feel more needed and another one is to decrease state funding. Blind people, for example, can work as phone representatives. And most of them can do handicrafts (5) work. Factories or other enterprises employing disabled people should have partial tax exemption.

Further steps should be taken to let people with restricted abilities feel themselves as a part of community. To do this, more special events can be lead(6). For instance, sporting events for disabled are very encouraging not only for them but also for us, who are healthy. Another good chance to socialize is to open special marriage agencies. Being in a couple is a natural human desire and disabled people are not an exemption. Married couples are normally better cope with problems and feel happier.

From the other side people with restricted abilities can also do a lot to help themselves. Mutual help communities or interest clubs proved to be a great support. They share their experience, provide support and advice for those who feel lonely or depressed.

To conclude, I would like to express my own opinion. I believe that not only governments should help disabled people but people around them such as next door neighbors can be of good help and support.

Спасибо заранее.

(1) getting a disability - нужно подлежащее, а у вас глагольная форма.
(2) sentenced to
(3) lifetime home prison - порядок слов, а лучше не перегружать определениями, сказать a lifetime at home, a home prison
(4) should be done/made или should be taken on, последнее более разговорное, значения у всего одинаковые. Для усиления смысла надо добавить still - should be done still - много сделано и надо сделать еще
(5) я бы сказал handcrafting
(6) to be organized, to be had

в целом - оч. хорошо.

[Grifffin]

так как правильно то?

Не знаю. Есть куча книг и сайтов посвещенных этому. Да и на этом форуме неоднократно обсуждалась структура эссе (хотя всвязи с сменой оболочки некоторые темы могли исчезнуть)

[curlygirl]

Newjersey Спасибо большое за констуктивную критику. И еще Rush спасибо.
Так замечательно, что есть такое место, где можно выложить эссе и увидеть взгляд со стороны на свои писульки.
Так как время неумолимо приближается к дате экзамена выкладываю еще одно Ваше беспристрастное обсуждение. Не стесняйтесь!

A gift (such as a camera, a soccer ball, or an animal) can contribute to a child’s development. What gift would you give to help a child develop? Why? Use reasons and specific examples to support your choice.


It is common to make presents coming to families to children. Presents can be various, from small doll to a modern computer. But size doesn’t matter because it is believed that most importantly it should help a child to grow emotionally and intellectually. I personally agree with this statement and would present something which allows young people to grow to a mature person. For a babies I would present a book and for an older child a pet. In this essay will be explained the reasons for such a choice.
A book is a good thing to present because it helps to learn a lot of new things. Modern books for children from 1 to 6 years old are full of bright images and have comparatively less amount of reading. These helps children to learn new colours, shapes, different types of animals. The letters are usually very big and distinctive. That way a child may learn letters and words.
Another reason for presenting a book is that reading a book with parents is a good chance to to communicate and interact with them. Even half an hour a day spent with mother or father adds to emotional development of a child. A further advantage of a book as a present is that young person is getting used to receive knowledge and new information from books. Of course, when he becomes older and goes to school the process of learning there is easier for those who accustomed to learning from books.
An animal present such as a cat, a dog or a parrot to older children is a good way to grow emotionally and become more responsible and mature. Besides being a great joy such gift allows them to understand other live creatures needs and problems. A boy or a girl learns to take to care of others, to give a hand in difficult situations. It is noticed that children who have pets are usually more sympathetic, kind, have better reaction and learn better at school. Of course, if you have to feed somebody several times a day, wash it and go out with on daily basic you become responsible, discipline and punctual person.
Taking into consideration the above I would say that a book and a pet are the best gifts to present. And I myself would be happy to get these presents for my children.

[Алексей Викторович]

A gift (such as a camera, a soccer ball, or an animal) can contribute to a child’s development. What gift would you give to help a child develop? Why? Use reasons and specific examples to support your choice.
(1) It is common to make presents coming to families to children. Presents can be various, from (2) small doll to a modern computer. (3) But size doesn’t matter because it is believed that most importantly it should help a child to grow emotionally and intellectually. (4) I personally agree with this statement and would present something which allows young people to grow to a mature person. For (5) a babies I would present a book and for an older child a pet. (6) In this essay will be explained the reasons for such a choice.
A book is a good thing (7) to present because it helps to learn a lot of new things. Modern books for children from 1 to 6 years old are full of bright images and ( have comparatively less amount of reading. These helps children to learn new colours, shapes, different types of animals. (9) The letters are usually very big and distinctive. (10) That way a child may learn letters and words.

Странную тему вы выбрали. На экзамене такое не встречается. Но тем не менее:

(1) Как то не так звучит. Может There is a tridition to make presents being invited to families with children.
(2) a small doll (какаой-нибудь мальнькой куклы)
(3) Жесть! очень не по-английски.
(4) I personally agree with this statement that is why I would present ...
(5) For __ babies (артикль "а" применять только с единстенным и счисляемым существительным)
(6) Не надо так писать. Это по детски типа "а в этом эссе я расскажу вам...". Лучше остановиться на своем мнении про книгу и питомца.
(7) for / as present
( have miserable amount of information.
(9) зачем the? вы ж теоретически говорите, а не о конкретных буквах.
(10) As a result, children may learn letters and words.

Дальше примерно такие же ошибки. C фантазией все супер. Со словарным запасом тоже хорошо. Плохо с граматикой и со структурой.
Выучите два типа эссе "за-против" и "аргументация". Следите за полетом мысли что б стоить предложения по англйиски а не по русски. И еще не используйте but, so и тп простые выражения. ПРименяйте письменные выражения in contrast, however, moreover...

[drew]

Подскажите пожалуйста основные направления работы на эссе

Привет всем. Готовлюсь к ilts, в конце июня. Сдаю в первый раз.Нужны все 7.
Это первое эссе, только начал тренироваться. Написал, без подготовки и словаря.-50 минут. -386 слов.Прошу критику - над чем работать. Спасибо.
Тема - мы зависим от компов, дайте полож и отр. стороны, а также возможные пути использования в будущем.
Computers play a very important role in modern society. Nowdays we use them almost in all parts of our lives. So, follow this tendency our dependence from computers would be increase in the future. Futhermore scientists claim that computers (or some cybernatic applience) would be used for people who lost some parts of their bodies for exchanging them, do surgery and even supervise life of human cyties in whole. Let is consider some good and bad sides of this situation.

From one side computers give us possibilities to take information we need easily and quickly. So we have more free time for doing other things like sport, hobbies or simply rest. Also computers help us in doing some routing home things like washing, cooking, cleaning our homes and computers theat us in hospitals. All of these benefits are good and have done computers may be most inevitable thing in our life.

From other side dependance from computers create some negative points. Firstly, dependance from computers in medicine often lead to the loosing simple skills by doctors. Although computers in some cases are able to define diagnosis of some illness more exactly then doctors could do without that gadgets, relying only on dates from computers cannot allow some doctors consider problems of their patiants deeply. Besides that in our modernized life many people are used to use appliences which are managed by computers for doing our routing home work and for home entertainments. We could not imaging our life whithout home theaters, microwaves, whashing machines and freezers. And of course almost all that facilities are managed by computers. We lost some of our work skills and sometimes don't know what we have to do if some of them would be break. Moreover in modern world there are a lot of people who is addicted on computers. They spend too much time communicating with computers and have lack of live human communication. This problem leads to situation when people lost their human communicating skills and also their abbilities to solve real problems among people.

In conclusion I would like to say that even if computers are inavitable and useful thing, however we should not addict on them. Inspite of increasing popularity of computers we should try to develop our own skills and save balance and harmony in our life.