My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Maimiti_Isabella, можно поинтересовать почему только 8.5? Что в этом письме нужно доработать, чтобы получить 9?

Я написала 8.5 косервативно. На 9 - идеально. Я лично увидела 1 случай, когда мне не понравилось употребление времен. И еще, я не экзаменатор, но с моей точки зрения - a bit too much, т.е. мне кажется, что есть элемент not natural. А как экзаменатор/ы оценят - не знаю.

Забыла - еще одно довольно странное высказывание, вроде как не к месту и не о том.

[Esperanca]

... Почивать на лаврах не хочу, буду еще работать. Буду рад вашим советам и замечаниям в будущем.

Ждем с нетерпением Ваше эссе

[Wikipuk]

Я самостоятельно прорабатываю книжку B.D.Graver Advanced English Practice, 3-е изд, 1994. Дошел до четвертого раздела "Composition Work", и тут, конечно, нужна помощь однокурсников. Хочу сдавать на IELTS, но только когда буду полностью уверен в своих силах. Вот написал сочинение на тему, предложенную в книжке. Хотя сам уже вижу, что немножко не в тему залез и на conclusion места не хватило. Как вам кажется?

National characteristics. Discuss.

Any discussion of national characteristics ought to start with a warning about unhelpful national, or even racial, stereotypes that people use on those who do not belong to their ethnic group. To avoid this pitfall, the author would like to imagine what characteristics he would have had if he had been born, say, an Australian, an Englishman or a Russian.

Had he come into this world on a white farm in the middle of the vast and sunny Australian Outback, he would have grown up to be a skilful drover, a straight-talking no-nonsense man. He would have worn a wide-brimmed leather hat decorated with crocodile teeth. He would have liked cold beer and a lean kangaroo steak. His mates would have loved flocking to his barbeque at weekends. He might also have had a gorgeous Philippino wife, ordered through a mail order bride catalogue…

Were he an Englishman, he would be quite the opposite: prim and proper, insular and stiff. Reading The Times in the morning while enjoying a delightful cup of Earl Grey, he would get ready for a busy day in the City. He would wear a bowler hat and carry a walking stick. And he would never talk or joke about sex.

The author is Russian, so he needn’t exert himself too much trying to imagine what being Russian would be like. Despite their winters, Russians are known as the warmest and the most hospitable people in the world. They are great achievers, but often work spasmodically. Great feats of astonishingly hard work are punctuated by lazy and lethargic spells, perhaps, again, due to the habit of winter ‘hibernation’. Their vodka is legendary and their ballet dancers are second to none. Russian cars are not the envy of the world, but no-one is perfect nowadays.

Word count: 299

[will.i.am]

You won the competition and received a vacation for two as a prize. Write a letter to ask them to go for on holiday with you. In the letter you should:

• tell him/her about the competition you won
• state what kind of vacation it is
• explain why you would like him/her to go on a holiday with you

You should write at least 150 words.

You do NOT need to write your own address.

Begin your letter as follows:

Dear ...

Dear Gary

How it's going? I hope this letter finds you well. I'm just writing to ask you to join me in a trip to Cisco Systems Corporation head office in Houston.

You know, three days ago the local Cisco Systems branch announced about the competition related to knowledge of networking technologies. As I'm an experienced network administrator, I couldn't miss such an interesting event. There were about hundred of contestants but I can tell you it was a piece of cake to win the prize.

I've already got the invitation and vacation schedule. We'll make a tour at Cisco Systems factory, visit the Museum of Networking Equipment and at the end meet with senior network engineers of the company. The holiday will last a couple of days and it promises to be extremely exciting and very informative.

I suppose this event would be of great interest for you as a newly qualified IT specialist and pretty sure that a lot of enthralling things will be opened for you during the trip. So what would you say about it?

Anyway, you definitely shouldn't pass up this chance. Hope to hear you soon.

Best wishes

Simon

[SaunaMan]

Я самостоятельно прорабатываю книжку B.D.Graver Advanced English Practice, 3-е изд, 1994. Дошел до четвертого раздела "Composition Work", и тут, конечно, нужна помощь однокурсников. Хочу сдавать на IELTS, но только когда буду полностью уверен в своих силах. Вот написал сочинение на тему, предложенную в книжке. Хотя сам уже вижу, что немножко не в тему залез и на conclusion места не хватило. Как вам кажется?

National characteristics. Discuss.

Any discussion of national characteristics ought to start with a warning about unhelpful national, or even racial, stereotypes that people use on those who do not belong to their ethnic group. To avoid this pitfall, the author would like to imagine what characteristics he would have had if he had been born, say, an Australian, an Englishman or a Russian.

Had he come into this world on a white farm in the middle of the vast and sunny Australian Outback, he would have grown up to be a skilful drover, a straight-talking no-nonsense man. He would have worn a wide-brimmed leather hat decorated with crocodile teeth. He would have liked cold beer and a lean kangaroo steak. His mates would have loved flocking to his barbeque at weekends. He might also have had a gorgeous Philippino wife, ordered through a mail order bride catalogue…

Were he an Englishman, he would be quite the opposite: prim and proper, insular and stiff. Reading The Times in the morning while enjoying a delightful cup of Earl Grey, he would get ready for a busy day in the City. He would wear a bowler hat and carry a walking stick. And he would never talk or joke about sex.

The author is Russian, so he needn’t exert himself too much trying to imagine what being Russian would be like. Despite their winters, Russians are known as the warmest and the most hospitable people in the world. They are great achievers, but often work spasmodically. Great feats of astonishingly hard work are punctuated by lazy and lethargic spells, perhaps, again, due to the habit of winter ‘hibernation’. Their vodka is legendary and their ballet dancers are second to none. Russian cars are not the envy of the world, but no-one is perfect nowadays.

Word count: 299

рашн выбивается из стиля, первые два вызывают картинку персонажа в голове, последний - какой-то список разрозненных данных о РФ, а не о человеке

[Esperanca]

Wikipuk, если Вы решили сдавать IELTS, то практиковаться в написании эссе нужно именно с темами из IELTS. Формулировка темы (вопроса) на которую Вы написали эссе не имеет никакого отношения к тому, что от Вас требуется на IELTS экзамене.

[Esperanca]

You won the competition and received a vacation for two as a prize. Write a letter to ask them to go for on holiday with you. In the letter you should:

• tell him/her about the competition you won
• state what kind of vacation it is
• explain why you would like him/her to go on a holiday with you

You should write at least 150 words.

You do NOT need to write your own address.

Begin your letter as follows:

Dear ...

Dear Gary

How it's going? I hope this letter finds you well. I'm just writing to ask you to join me in a trip to Cisco Systems Corporation head office in Houston.

You know, three days ago the local Cisco Systems branch announced about the competition related to knowledge of networking technologies. As I'm an experienced network administrator, I couldn't miss such an interesting event. There were about hundred of contestants but I can tell you it was a piece of cake to win the prize.

I've already got the invitation and vacation schedule. We'll make a tour at Cisco Systems factory, visit the Museum of Networking Equipment and at the end meet with senior network engineers of the company. The holiday will last a couple of days and it promises to be extremely exciting and very informative.

I suppose this event would be of great interest for you as a newly qualified IT specialist and pretty sure that a lot of enthralling things will be opened for you during the trip. So what would you say about it?

Anyway, you definitely shouldn't pass up this chance. Hope to hear you soon.

Best wishes

Simon

У Вас удивительная способность не замечать поставленного вопроса. От Вас требуется рассказать об отпуске, а не о двухдневной деловой поездке, включающей экскурсию.

[Polina_K]

Я самостоятельно прорабатываю книжку B.D.Graver Advanced English Practice, 3-е изд, 1994. Дошел до четвертого раздела "Composition Work", и тут, конечно, нужна помощь однокурсников. Хочу сдавать на IELTS, но только когда буду полностью уверен в своих силах. Вот написал сочинение на тему, предложенную в книжке. Хотя сам уже вижу, что немножко не в тему залез и на conclusion места не хватило. Как вам кажется?

National characteristics. Discuss.

Any discussion of national characteristics ought to start with a warning about unhelpful national, or even racial, stereotypes that people use on those who do not belong to their ethnic group. To avoid this pitfall, the author would like to imagine what characteristics he would have had if he had been born, say, an Australian, an Englishman or a Russian.

Had he come into this world on a white farm in the middle of the vast and sunny Australian Outback, he would have grown up to be a skilful drover, a straight-talking no-nonsense man. He would have worn a wide-brimmed leather hat decorated with crocodile teeth. He would have liked cold beer and a lean kangaroo steak. His mates would have loved flocking to his barbeque at weekends. He might also have had a gorgeous Philippino wife, ordered through a mail order bride catalogue…

Were he an Englishman, he would be quite the opposite: prim and proper, insular and stiff. Reading The Times in the morning while enjoying a delightful cup of Earl Grey, he would get ready for a busy day in the City. He would wear a bowler hat and carry a walking stick. And he would never talk or joke about sex.

The author is Russian, so he needn’t exert himself too much trying to imagine what being Russian would be like. Despite their winters, Russians are known as the warmest and the most hospitable people in the world. They are great achievers, but often work spasmodically. Great feats of astonishingly hard work are punctuated by lazy and lethargic spells, perhaps, again, due to the habit of winter ‘hibernation’. Their vodka is legendary and their ballet dancers are second to none. Russian cars are not the envy of the world, but no-one is perfect nowadays.

Word count: 299

У вас хороший словарный запас и грамматика.

Есть смысл вчитаться в критерии оценивания IELTS http://www.ielts.org/pdf/UOBDs_WritingT2.pdf

и глянуть примеры эссэ на 9

также, может уделить чуть больше внимания cohesion devices, так как вам хорошо было бы употребить больше linkers.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

также, может уделить чуть больше внимания cohesion devices, так как вам хорошо было бы употребить больше linkers.

Sorry, but absolutely, definetely, categorically not.

He's using advanced linking devices and there's no need to make them more conspicuous. At least not till after we see an essay.

[will.i.am]

У Вас удивительная способность не замечать поставленного вопроса. От Вас требуется рассказать об отпуске, а не о двухдневной деловой поездке, включающей экскурсию.

Очень интересный вопрос. Недавно в академии где я учусь человек выиграл конкурс который был устроен компанией Cisco Systems и в качестве приза получил поездку в Хьюстон, штаб-квартиру компании. Программа та же что описал в письме. Не на пляжи Майами Бич конечно и не пирамиды фараонов, но поездка исключительно неформальная. Разве такой случай не подходит под задание? Я конечно понимаю, что можно было описать поездку на Куршавель и то что подруга давно мечтала съездить туда где spectacular view and picturesque mountains\landscape\nature, но по моему то, что я написал тоже подходит. И еще, почему вы считаете что экскурсия это не отдых? Anyway, thanks for comments.

P.S. С учетом того что проверяющий тоже вряд ли поймет такую поездку в качестве выигранного путешествия, то скорее всего вы правы. Да.

[Wikipuk]

Спасибо за советы и замечания, обязательно их учту.
Очень полезная ссылка, Polina_K.
Буду работать. Цель - IELTS с плюсом!

[Esperanca]

Очень интересный вопрос. Недавно в академии где я учусь человек выиграл конкурс который был устроен компанией Cisco Systems и в качестве приза получил поездку в Хьюстон, штаб-квартиру компании. Программа та же что описал в письме. Не на пляжи Майами Бич конечно и не пирамиды фараонов, но поездка исключительно неформальная. Разве такой случай не подходит под задание? Я конечно понимаю, что можно было описать поездку на Куршавель и то что подруга давно мечтала съездить туда где spectacular view and picturesque mountains\landscape\nature, но по моему то, что я написал тоже подходит. И еще, почему вы считаете что экскурсия это не отдых? Anyway, thanks for comments.

P.S. С учетом того что проверяющий тоже вряд ли поймет такую поездку в качестве выигранного путешествия, то скорее всего вы правы. Да.

Просто под holiday и vacation обычно понимают более продолжительное путешествие, а не двухдневную поездку. Все что Вы описали, думаю можно использовать в ответе, но добавить больше информации, которая бы говорила о том, что Вы едите в отпуск, а не только для того, чтобы посетить завод, один музей и встретиться с главным инженером компании. Можно, к примеру, сказать о недельной поездке в город X, которая включает посещение достопримечательностей и, что более интересно для Вас и вашего друга, экскурсия по заводу. А дальше уже по тексту.

[Wikipuk]

Вот еще один effort. Старасля точно по IELTS правилам. Думаете получилось? Прошу смело покритиковать. Спасибо.

Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth among poorer nations by providing such things as food and education? Or is it the responsibility of the governments of poorer nations to look after their citizens themselves?

One of the paradoxes of the scientific and technical progress during the last few decades has been the ever widening gap between the wealthy and the poor nations of the world. This phenomenon may defy rational explanation but it places a clear moral obligation on the rich nations to assist the less developed ones. Of course, there are some who say that too much aid may act as a disincentive to poorer countries, impede their natural development and create an unwelcome economic and political dependency. It appears that the way forward could be to encourage wealthy states to continue sharing their wealth but to do it in a more targeted, less wasteful way.

To take food aid as an example, there is a wise African saying that giving a fish to hungry person might be a good thing in itself, but it would be much better to give him a fishing rod and teach him to fish. Therefore, direct food aid should only be called for in real emergencies such as famine or war, but in the long term more creative solutions would be required. Measures such as helping a local government to develop policies to attract investment in the agricultural sector and incentivizing local farmers to increase food production are bound to stand a country in good stead for years to come.

Similarly, education has always been hailed as the most effective way of lifting a nation out of poverty. Numerous scholarships are available for students from developing countries to come and study abroad. Yet even this approach has often backfired as many of the graduates subsequently choose to stay in the West rather than return to their impoverished homeland. It is quite clear that for the approach to succeed high-standard educational establishments should be fostered inside developing countries themselves instead of encouraging the brain drain which already exists.

To sum us, it is important to reiterate that wealthy nations have a moral responsibility to share their wealth with the less fortunate neighbours. However, this ought to be done in a measured and targeted fashion to ensure the long term growth and prosperity of the beneficiaries. Food and education are the main battlegrounds where poverty can be defeated through an application of clear and effective strategies by those with wherewithal and know-how.

Word count: 383. Time: 40mins

[Polina_K]

Вот еще один effort. Старасля точно по IELTS правилам. Думаете получилось? Прошу смело покритиковать. Спасибо.

Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth among poorer nations by providing such things as food and education? Or is it the responsibility of the governments of poorer nations to look after their citizens themselves?

One of the paradoxes of the scientific and technical progress during the last few decades has been the ever widening gap between the wealthy and the poor nations of the world. This phenomenon may defy rational explanation but it places a clear moral obligation on the rich nations to assist the less developed ones. Of course, there are some who say that too much aid may act as a disincentive to poorer countries, impede their natural development and create an unwelcome economic and political dependency. It appears that the way forward could be to encourage wealthy states to continue sharing their wealth but to do it in a more targeted, less wasteful way.

To take food aid as an example, there is a wise African saying that giving a fish to hungry person might be a good thing in itself, but it would be much better to give him a fishing rod and teach him to fish. Therefore, direct food aid should only be called for in real emergencies such as famine or war, but in the long term more creative solutions would be required. Measures such as helping a local government to develop policies to attract investment in the agricultural sector and incentivizing local farmers to increase food production are bound to stand a country in good stead for years to come.

Similarly, education has always been hailed as the most effective way of lifting a nation out of poverty. Numerous scholarships are available for students from developing countries to come and study abroad. Yet even this approach has often backfired as many of the graduates subsequently choose to stay in the West rather than return to their impoverished homeland. It is quite clear that for the approach to succeed high-standard educational establishments should be fostered inside developing countries themselves instead of encouraging the brain drain which already exists.

To sum us, it is important to reiterate that wealthy nations have a moral responsibility to share their wealth with the less fortunate neighbours. However, this ought to be done in a measured and targeted fashion to ensure the long term growth and prosperity of the beneficiaries. Food and education are the main battlegrounds where poverty can be defeated through an application of clear and effective strategies by those with wherewithal and know-how.

Word count: 383. Time: 40mins

Хорошая аргументация и развитие идей. Понятная позиция.

Напишу своё субъективное мнение по поводу Task Response - я бы упомянула в эссэ и "governments of poorer nations", так как не очень понятна их роль. Просто принимать помощь?

Не очень нравится артикль здесь "an application of clear and effective strategies", обычно в of-phrases нужен определённый.

"his phenomenon may defy rational explanation but it places a clear moral obligation " запятую перед but, так как два независимых предложения

[Wikipuk]

Спасибо, Polina_K.

Согласен, что не полностью ответил на под-вопрос про ответственность правительств бедных стран. Я понимал это, когда писал, но просто места не хватило - не хотел слишком длинное ессе. Мне кажется, формулировка вопроса очень обширна, но в этом, конечно, и весь фокус упражнения. Урок на будущее.

На счет непределённого артикля во фразе "an application of clear and effective strategies", я тоже думал и выбрал его сознательно. Обосновать могу так: ни писатель, ни читатель ессе не знают точно каким образом эти стратегии будут воплощены в жизнь, т.е. возможны варианты - отсюда и артикль "an". В литературе я видел случаи, когда "аn" используется в of-фразе. Хотя, возможно, я чего-то не улавливаю...