My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[SunRise]

Romka_Ast, сюда ходил:
1. http://www.gday.ru/forum/ielts/20034...4-samples.html
2. http://www.gday.ru/forum/ielts/42639...%EB%FB%F5.html
3. http://www.gday.ru/forum/ielts/16782...and-7-0-a.html
?
Ответы на большинство вопросов тут есть

[pushnik]

Пожалуйста проверьте essay

Task:
People attend college or university for many different reasons (for example, new experiences, career preparation, increased knowledge). Why do you think people attend college or university? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
____________________


It is common nowadays that many people, particularly young high-school graduates, continue their education at universities or in colleges. This can be seen in almost all countries. It is believed there are some common reasons for their decision. This will be shown by taking into account the following arguments.

One of the main causes of further education is obviously a wish to become competitive at the labour market. The most of students are aware the education will provide their professional career and ensure a wanted standard of living. The globalization demands higher educational level from potential employees. It matters for inland as well as abroad job market. This is evidenced by the fact that skilled workers statistically have much more better chances to get a job, in particular a well-paid one.

The other essential reason for continuing education is a natural human being’s desire for knowledge. The new knowledge unlock our full potential, stimulates our brain. The more we know the more we are able to understand the world and ourselves. The importance of new knowledge is illustrated by development of our whole civilisation. The knowledge is continuously increasing and let to make better living conditions.

To sum up, people want to be satisfied and happy with their lives. They have a desire to possess the knowledge. This knowledge is eventually a power that helps to master live. However, they want to gain more understanding of our surroundings. These reasons strongly motivate many people to go proceed on with their education and attend to colleges and universities. It is expected that more and more people will realized a necessity of getting more educated.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Пожалуйста проверьте essay

Task:
People attend college or university for many different reasons (for example, new experiences, career preparation, increased knowledge). Why do you think people attend college or university? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Are you sure it's IELTS and not TOEFL? IELTS topics are a) worded differently b) more controversial

[Divo]

Всем привет... помогите пожалуйста определить тип essay

There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

Всем спасибо.

Это самый простой тип эссе - 2-part question. Саймон пишет, что:

Just answer the two questions. Write one paragraph about each.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

спасибо за ответ Divo , блин первый раз вижу такой тип эссе

И таких будет все больше и больше, потому как IELTS похоже 'устал' от вопросов 'какого типа это эссе?'.

IELTS вообще не волнует тип эссе. Ваша задача не определять тип эссе, а раскрыть тему!

[Esperanca]

спасибо за ответ Divo , блин первый раз вижу такой тип эссе

...................................................................................................

На самом экзамене еще не то увидите. Мне в октябре попалось нечто подобное: Countries are becoming more multicultural nowadays. Why do you think it is the case? Does it have more advantages or disadvantages?

За дословность темы не ручаюсь, но вопросы были в точности такие. Скорее всего экзаменаторы решили запутать тех сдающих, которые сухо заучивают структуру эссе, не понимая самой сути и, главое, невнимательно читая сами вопросы.

[Polina_K]

Пожалуйста проверьте essay

Task:
People attend college or university for many different reasons (for example, new experiences, career preparation, increased knowledge). Why do you think people attend college or university? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
____________________


It is common nowadays that many people, particularly young high-school graduates, continue their education at universities or in colleges. This can be seen in almost all countries. It is believed there are some common reasons for their decision. This will be shown by taking into account the following arguments.

One of the main causes of further education is obviously a wish to become competitive at the labour market. The most of students are aware the education will provide their professional career and ensure a wanted standard of living. The globalization demands higher educational level from potential employees. It matters for inland as well as abroad job market. This is evidenced by the fact that skilled workers statistically have much more better chances to get a job, in particular a well-paid one.

The other essential reason for continuing education is a natural human being’s desire for knowledge. The new knowledge unlock our full potential, stimulates our brain. The more we know the more we are able to understand the world and ourselves. The importance of new knowledge is illustrated by development of our whole civilisation. The knowledge is continuously increasing and let to make better living conditions.

To sum up, people want to be satisfied and happy with their lives. They have a desire to possess the knowledge. This knowledge is eventually a power that helps to master live. However, they want to gain more understanding of our surroundings. These reasons strongly motivate many people to go proceed on with their education and attend to colleges and universities. It is expected that more and more people will realized a necessity of getting more educated.

Очень желательно научиться различать причины, аргументы и примеры.

Плоховато со связностью.

Заключение должно быть коротким и суммировать основные пункты эссэ, а не вводить новую информацию.

Странно звучит логика: "Знание -- сила, помогающая управлять жизнью. Тем не менее, они хотят получить больше понимания о нашем окружении"

По грамматике - нужно больше сложных конструкций (хотя бы несколько сложноподчинённых предложений). Ошибки с артиклями, предлогами и простыми временами (will realized, The new knowledge unlock).

[pushnik]

Polina_K, спасибо за конструктивную критику. Как Bи думаете, приблизително на какую оценку 6.0, 6.5 или на 7.0?

[Polina_K]

Как Bи думаете, приблизително на какую оценку 6.0, 6.5 или на 7.0?

Лично мое мнение, что ваш уровень английского достаточен, чтобы получить 6.5-7, но именно это эссэ не соответствует критериям:

"uses a range of cohesive devices"
"uses a variety of complex structures"

Посмотрите еще советы, как улучшить связность:

5 Keys to Better Sentence Flow

Помните о раскрытии всех аспектов темы.

[orionix]

День добрый. Буду признателен за проверку моего letter.

Итак задание:

You were supposed to go on an interview in a few weeks, but you have since found out you cannot go on the date arranged. Write a letter to the potential employer. In your letter:
- Tell them why you need to move the interview time,
- Ask to change the interview date,
- Explain that you are still interested in being interviewed for the job.


Мой ответ:


Dear sirs and ladies,

I’m writing to you to notify you that I will not be able to come on interview at arranged time. There is both straightforward and sad explanation, I have caught flu. My family doctor claims that it is a kind of seasonal sickness and will not have any sort of negative effects on my health. He arranged a proper curing scheme, including taking of various medications twice a day and examination twice a week. He insisted on avoiding any contacts until I have even tiny symptoms of disease.

Realizing that I have keen interest in working at your company, I’m eagerly asking you to rearrange the interview date in two weeks. Doctor assured me that usually this kind of sickness lasts no more than ten days.

I’m convinced that in 14 days I would be able to do my best on the interview. You would see not just the proof of all statements of my CV, but rather an aspiration to be a member of your team.

I’m looking forward to hearing a response from you.

Yours respectfully,
Timothy Wrangler.


Заранее большое спасибо!

[Bruce]

Приветствую!

Доброе всем время суток! Только зарегистрировался, сразу попалась тема, в связи с чем буду признателен за любую обратную связь.

Вот, попробовал впервые на время написать задание из книжки Cambridge ESOL 8.
На сколько это тянет? Я так по доступным примерам в инете прикидываю, что где-то 6, хотелось бы услышать мнение .

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You recently bought a piece of equipment for your kitchen but it did not work. You phoned the shop
but no action was taken.

Write a letter to shop manager. In your letter

• describe the problem with the equipment
• explain what happened when you phoned the shop
• say what you would like the manager to do

Dear sir,

I bought an electric kettle from your shop two days ago, but now it doesn’t seem to be working. Actually, it hasn’t functioned at all since it has been unpacked at home. The water inside doesn’t get any warmer however long the kettle stays plugged into an outlet, and the power indicator also stays dark.

I tried to contact your support service by phone, but they proposed no reasonable solution at all, with the only advice being checking the outlet for availability of electricity. I had also requested the exchange of malfunctioning piece of equipment for a comparable one, but they objected with the only reason given being – “You bought the kettle with a significant discount as a device with defects, so what do you expect?”

Nevertheless, I’m rather aware that customer’s rights are protected by the law in this country, so I would like to ask you to consider the possibility of exchanging the kettle for the other but working one. As of now, instead of bargain I only have the headache. I admit that it was bought with a huge discount and I had been warned of available defects, but I was convinced those flaws refer only to the outlook of the appliance (scratches, cracks etc.)

Sincerely yours,


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Some people think that it is better to educate boys and girls in separate schools. Other, however, believe that boys and girls benefit more from attending mixed schools.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.


Throughout the recent history of education one could note two distinguishable approaches – the one is to teach boys and girls separately, and the other is to support mixed schools. Both ways could be seen
in almost every country at a certain moment or all the time, though the separate teaching became more popular in the private schools with their distinctive elitist air, while the mixed schools were intended
mostly for the children belonging to lower social classes.

Those who advocate the advantages of separate schools point reasonably on the different subjects of teaching process for boys and girls. While it is common to spare some time for girls to teach them how to tailor or to cook, the boys would rather be interested in carpentry or technical drawing as main topics of basic labor skill education. Moreover, the adepts of gender specialized schools argue that the pupils, especially those approaching the pubertal age, would be too distracted by opposite gender learning together.

On the other hand, educational process in mixed schools has been constantly accepted as rather classic way to teach the children, and also has its own supporters. Not only the longer history or tradition (just remember the parish weekend schools – they have their roots in at least eleventh century and were all mixed, at least in Russia), but they believe it has some clear advantages too. Firstly, children grow in their natural environment, and have an opportunity to get better practices with the opposite gender, not being deprived of live communication at school. Secondly, the danger of losing focus on education at a particular age in favor of flirting with the opposite gender is rather exaggerated, and even more – might be simply replaced by the peril of seeking attraction in the eyes of the same gender.

In my opinion, the traditional education in mixed schools has more advantages over possible drawbacks of too generalized studying courses. Children growing in the natural atmosphere at the same time with learning math or drawing get the ideas how to communicate efficiently in the real-world environment, which is most likely what expects them in the future.

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Заранее спасибо за отклик(и).

[yamov]

На сколько это тянет? Я так по доступным примерам в инете прикидываю, что где-то 6, хотелось бы услышать мнение .

Однозначно выше.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Вот, попробовал впервые на время написать задание из книжки Cambridge ESOL 8.
На сколько это тянет? Я так по доступным примерам в инете прикидываю, что где-то 6, хотелось бы услышать мнение .

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....

I'd score your writing at 7.5 but I don't feel confident that this would stay the same if the topic is unfamiliar or 'unpleasant'. Potentially, you can get a really great score but at this stage your vocab is letting you down, e.g. you don't know the 'correct' words for certain concepts. There are also of course some other problems.
Single-sex vs. co-educational schools
point reasonably on --> to the different subjects of teaching process for boys and girls ??? (really don't understand what you mean)
to get better practices with the opposite gender - I certainly hope that little boys and girls don't 'practice' with the opposite gender!
would be too distracted by opposite gender learning together - ????

[Bruce]

Thank you, Isabella!

My actual needs at this moment do not exceed 6 in writing. Anything above it I would consider as acceptable and satisfactory (as it's pass mark). This piece of writing seems to me rather unnatural and somewhat ugly, and you just confirmed that, but it's still the best I could produce with the time limit in effect.

What about the language self, I consider it by far more important and attractive goal to aspire, as I will certainly be required to have far better written level of English for my work (I am specialized in project management).
I gather, you would suggest me more reading at this point?

P.S. To read classical literature and newsfeeds was actually my principal idea of how to progress further.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

P.S. To read classical literature and newsfeeds was actually my principal idea of how to progress further.

Classical literature is of little use I'm afraid. You're not going to use the language of Shakespeare or Dickens to write essays, manuals, reports or project proposals. If these were literary essays... but this is a different kettle of fish anyway

My suggestions for the vocab development at your level are not very original I'm afraid
The Economist (if you have a FB account you can like the magazine and you'll get the feeds automatically - at least I do)
National Geographic
Scientific American
BBC, ABC (Australian Broadcasting corporation - The World Today)
New York Times, The Guardian and other newspapers.

etc etc