My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Vyacheslav16]

В Вашем случае draw точно не ошибка.

То есть make. Sorry.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Понять бы еще по сути поконкретнее. С опечатками и грамматикой ясно.
Вот, например, мне заменили:



2) make a conclusion НА draw a conclusion.
Я считала, что эти слова имеют одинаковые значения.
Lingvo вот что говорит: делать вывод — draw (make) a conclusion;
Можно ли это ошибкой назвать?

идете вот сюда:
British National Corpus (BYU-BNC)
печатаете make a conclusion, then hit the search button.

Делаем тоже самое вот здесь: http://oxforddictionaries.com/

Но все-таки лучше 3 раза: http://dictionary.cambridge.org/

Только уговор: расскажите потом всем, что вы сделали с Lingvo

[Vyacheslav16]

2) make a conclusion НА draw a conclusion. Я считала, что эти слова имеют одинаковые значения. Lingvo вот что говорит: делать вывод — draw (make) a conclusion; Можно ли это ошибкой назвать?

Вот еще ссылка:
conclusion - Definition from Longman English Dictionary Online
Видимо, все-таки make a conclusion не говорят. Я был не прав. Нужно каждый раз перепроверять себя!

[Goran Dražić]

Let's try some self-correction

Writing Task 2 (an essay)
In many countries school-age children are spending their free time in doing homework. Is it a good or bad thing? What is your own opinion? Give examples to support your view.
-----------
Nowadays some parents think that their children do not have enough free time because of too much homework. Other people have idea that it is good a idea to study at home in additional to school.


First of all, mostly pupils absolutely agree with point of view, that homework is only wasting their free time. In according to this idea children should get all knowledge at school and have a rest outside of that. I read about such option applied in some Scandinavian countries. I can see only one positive moment in this system of education – children have a heap of time for self-developing. Other side of this moment is that most of children will spend their free time for playing football, computer games instead of reading.


Other idea, I fully support, is that homework is necessary of child's developing. On the one hand, it is makes pupils to remember at least part of knowledges and to use it by theirself, i.e. without teacher's help. On the other hand, children have a good chance for using time management, as far as they want to have free time. In other words, children should divide their time between homework and free time. In addition, homework trains their responsibility. No teacher is at home and nobody says what to do, but homework should be completed. As result pupil get not only school knowledges, but, as bonus, additional skills, as responsibility and time management. These skill will be useful in adult life.


In conclusion I would be want to say that homework should not be considered as competitors for pupil's free time, but as useful for many purposes addition.

[Goran Dražić]

Dear Madam or Sir
I am writing to complain about quality of mobile devices I ordered and bought in your internet-shop. At the beginning of June 2013 I saw advertisement of newest Nokia's devices and then google shown than these products are available in your online shop. So I ordered Nokia Lumia 720 in yellow case and Nokia Lumia 620 in pink case (order number 1234566789 from 5 June 2013). Yesterday, 12 June, devices were delivered to my office. I was very happy until opened the package.


First of all, both phones was of awful black colour – I and my wife hate this colour. The second, when I turned on Lumia 720, I saw that all interface was in __ Chinese language. As far as I know only English I had to turn off that. The second phone – Lumia 620 – did not work at all. As __ result I have got headache for my own money.


To solve this unkind situation I going to make some action. First of all, I get back these devices and your internet-shop will pay for that. Then that there are options: either your shop send me phones I exact ordered or you pay back my money. I would be want to see your view how to resolve this problem as fast as possible.


Sincerely yours,
Alex

[Vyacheslav16]

Goran Dražić, в чем проблема с фразой I and my wife? Я знаю, что себя принято в конец ставить, поэтому должно быть my wife and I. Вы это имели в виду?

[will.i.am]

Goran Dražić, в чем проблема с фразой I and my wife? Я знаю, что себя принято в конец ставить, поэтому должно быть my wife and I. Вы это имели в виду?

Vyacheslav16, me and my wife или my wife and me.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

My wife and I

[Vyacheslav16]

Vyacheslav16, me and my wife или my wife and me.

Вот за такое мне мой предыдущий препод (англичанин) "нагоняй" устроил! Он сказал, что так говорят только малообразованные люди. Правильно: my wife and I. Это стандарт.

[will.i.am]

Вот за такое мне мой предыдущий препод (англичанин) "нагоняй" устроил! Он сказал, что так говорят только малообразованные люди. Правильно: my wife and I. Это стандарт.

Не знал. Вот оно советское образование.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Vyacheslav16, me and my wife или my wife and me.

Me and my missus (but don't use this in an essay!. Actually, don't use it at all )

[SunRise]

Let's try some self-correction

Goran, thanks for you correction!
Then I'll try to do "some self-correction"...

Green are repetition.

Other people have idea that it is good a idea to study at home in additional to school. -> Other people have idea that it is good a practice to study at home in addition to school.

Red are mistakes

Essay

in additional -> in addition
wasting -> wasting of
In according to -> ?
outside of that -> outside of school? (too repetitive), at home (better)
... moment in this system ... -> ...moment OF this system... ?
children have a heap of time for self-developing -> children have a enough of time for self-development
Other side of this moment is that most of children -> Other side of this aspect is that most children
it is makes pupils to remember -> it makes pupils to (?) remember
knowledges -> knowledge
theirself -> their-self
children have a good chance for using time management, as far as they want to have free time -> children have a good chance to use time management if they want to have free time
additional skills, as responsibility and ... -> additional skills, such as responsibility and ...
These skill -> These skillS
I would be want to say -> ?
competitors -> competitor

Letter

I saw advertisement of newest Nokia's devices -> I saw advertisement of THE newest Nokia's devices
both phones was of awful... -> both phones were of awful...
I and my wife -> My wife and I
The second -> Secondly
in __ Chinese language -> in THE Chinese language
As far as I know only English I had to turn off that. -> I had to turn it off because I know only English
As __ result I have got... -> As THE result I have got...
To solve this unkind situation I going to make some action. -> Foolish phrase.... I have no ideas how to say it correctly
shop send me phones I exact ordered -> shop send me exact phones that I ordered (?)
I would be want -> Yet another stupid phrase....

Are my correction, beside "?" when I didn't know what to do, correct?

And what about my texts in general (topic etc)?

Sorry, I really skip you comma. sorry!

[SunRise]

Ух ты... Оказывается, это мое "I and my wife" обсуждается... А то я думаю, где я такое видел...

Maimiti_Isabella, простите великодушно... Но я не понял,
Me and my missus
это правильно (без относительно тестов, просто как разговорный фрагмент) или нет?

[Goran Dražić]

wasting -> wasting of - the noun is waste. It is a waste of time.
In according to - according to or in accordance with.
outside of that -> outside of school? (too repetitive), at home (better) - after school
... moment in this system ... -> ...moment OF this system... ? - such education system
children have a heap of time for self-developing -> children have a enough of time for self-development - heaps of can mean a lot, but it is informal. enough time - no of.
it is makes pupils to remember -> it makes pupils to (?) remember - let/make do(bare infinitive).
theirself -> their-self - themselves
chance for using - chance to use
as far as they want to have free time -> children have a good chance to use time management if they want to have free time - can be as long as they ...
I would be want to say -> ? - what's be what? I would like to say.

Other corrections are more or less fine.

PS: almost forgot what about the comma I highlighted?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Ух ты... Оказывается, это мое "I and my wife" обсуждается... А то я думаю, где я такое видел...

Maimiti_Isabella, простите великодушно... Но я не понял,
Me and my missus
это правильно (без относительно тестов, просто как разговорный фрагмент) или нет?

Это разговорное выражение в необразованных кругах моего и более старшего поколения. Молодое поколение даже не очень образованное по-моему так уже не говорят. Во всяком случае в Сиднее.