My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Polina_K]

Hello eveone,

I really like this forum because of helpful. Could you guys check my essay out please?

Some people say that the Internet is making the world smaller by bringing people together. To what extent do you agree that the Internet is making it easier for people to communicate with one another.

Introduction.
It is considered that a global network makes relationships between people simple. I find this point of view reasonable because it is so close to my profession. I work as a telephone system administrator for IT company.

First of all, cutting edge technologies transfer audio and video data for a long distance with high speed. By this way everyone can have an audio video chat without any limits.
Second off all, we have an opportunity to do business with foreign companies. It was hard to imagine back in 1980s. Moreover, some companies such as the Microsoft has a lot of branches one the world, which communicate each other via the Internet.
Furthemore, people can study online and it is getting popular nowadays. Especially it is vital for people who have some physical disabilities or illnesses and cannot move at all. As they can use a global network to get education.
As the physicians have started using global Network to treat the most complicated "incurable" discuses. The Internet will safe our lives!.
In conclusion, I think many people will agree with that the Internet is a great opportunity to make our life more comfortable. I truly believe in the future it will become the most important part of society

Вам немного не хватает грамматики, а именно знания разных типов сложноподчинённых предложений. В тех местах, где вы пытаетесь такое предложение применить, ошибки, которые затрудняют понимание.

As they can use a global network to get education.
As the physicians have started using global Network to treat the most complicated "incurable" discuses.
Moreover, some companies such as the Microsoft has a lot of branches one the world, which communicate each other via the Internet.

Поищите тему relative clauses и попробуйте просто написать n-ное количество таких предложений с разными местоимениями (that, who, which, when, why, where) до попытки следующего эссе.

Помимо этого, в эссе недостаточно слов (208 ) и слишком много абзацев. Лучше, чтобы в "теле" было два-три абзаца, но раскрытых, аргументированных и поддержанных примерами.

Например, вот это "Especially it is vital for people who have some physical disabilities or illnesses and cannot move at all. As they can use a global network to get education." можно было плавно свести к теме эссе - общению, а так оно не по теме

А вот это "As the physicians have started using global Network to treat the most complicated "incurable" discuses. The Internet will safe our lives!" вообще не по теме.

Очень НЕ рекомендую восклицательные знаки, местоимение We, our и фразы типа "I work as a telephone system administrator for IT company".

[I'mhappy]

Вам немного не хватает грамматики, а именно знания разных типов сложноподчинённых предложений. В тех местах, где вы пытаетесь такое предложение применить, ошибки........

Полина спасибо огромное за Ваш отзыв, есть над чем подумать. А на сколько баллов вы могли бы оцень попытку?

[Polina_K]

Полина спасибо огромное за Ваш отзыв, есть над чем подумать. А на сколько баллов вы могли бы оцень попытку?

около 5

[tsst]

так уж получилось что я решил готовиться к ИЕЛТС на Мальте с личным тьютором, который, как оказалось, ничего не знает про формат экзамена и его возраст 60+ (( Вот такое эссэ мы написали с ним вместе. Как по мне оно вообще "не формат" и содержит кучу недочетов. Вопрос к бывалым на сколько баллов оно тянет? Спасибо

there is a trend in some countries to get married at an older age and also to have children later in life. Why is this happening?

During the last few decades the tendency of getting married later on life has become more popular. One of the results of such a trend is that women are having children at quite an advanced age. In this essay I will try to demonstrate why I believe this is happening.

First of all, I believe that women are doing this because they want to achieve their careers before thinking of forming a family. To do this they have to be qualified, which means spending more years on their education than in the past.

Secondly, this thirst for qualifications forces women to be much more selective because they would like their mates to be even more highly qualified then themselves. This restricts their choice tremendously. As a result of this less qualified men feel themselves (ага, фил земселвс) inadequate and this makes them only look for woman when they think they are mature enough and thus feel that they are their equal.

Finally, some people in order to be sure that they have made the right choice prefer to live together without getting married. This could mean that during this "experimental period" they prefer not to have children. When they decide that they are suitable to each other and conform a family the are quite advanced in age.

In conclusion, though the above statements show us the reasons why people are getting married late in life still, in my opinion such trend may be harmful to children.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

так уж получилось что я решил готовиться к ИЕЛТС на Мальте с личным тьютором, который, как оказалось, ничего не знает про формат экзамена и его возраст 60+ (( Вот такое эссэ мы написали с ним вместе. Как по мне оно вообще "не формат" и содержит кучу недочетов. Вопрос к бывалым на сколько баллов оно тянет? Спасибо

Это ж надо! Долго искали?

there is a trend in some countries to get married at an older age and also to have children later in life. Why is this happening?

Собственно говоря, на этом можно и остановится, потому как вы не дали задание. Что делать-то надо? Согласиться? Выразить точку зрения? Обсудить? Без этого невозможно говорить о Task Achievement и развитии эссе.

During the last few decades the tendency of getting married later on life has become more popular. One of the results of such a trend is that women are having children at quite an advanced age. In this essay I will try to demonstrate why I believe this is happening.

Определитесь пожалуйста, что this is happening. В задании эссе нет упоминания женщин. Ваше же эссе о женщинах. Куда вторую половину человечества дели?

First of all, I believe that women are...

.....

Secondly, this thirst for qualifications forces women to be .....

И вдруг опять вспоминили, что оказывается есть не только женщины:

Finally, some people in order to be sure....
... why people are getting married late in life still ...

А это вдруг откуда взялись в самом заключении? Вы, похоже, новую тему начинаете с заключения.

in my opinion such trend may be harmful to children.

[tsst]

Это ж надо! Долго искали?

Спасибо за разбор
Я понимаю что с выбором я лоханулся полностью, в соотв-й ветке потом про это распишу, но... уже поздно махать руками
Задание взял из этой ветки. Видимо не хватает discuss positive and negative effects.
И все-таки, не считая TA, это на 5-6 тянет ?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Спасибо за разбор
Я понимаю что с выбором я лоханулся полностью, в соотв-й ветке потом про это распишу, но... уже поздно махать руками
Задание взял из этой ветки. Видимо не хватает discuss positive and negative effects.
И все-таки, не считая TA, это на 5-6 тянет ?

И на больше тянет, возможно и на 7.

[I'mhappy]

В результате работы над ошибками родилось практически новое эссе.
Подчеркнутый курсивный текст - это старый вариант.

Some people say that the Internet is making the world smaller by bringing people together. To what extent do you agree that the Internet is making it easier for people to communicate with one another.

Introduction.
It is considered that a global network makes relationships between people simple. There are two camps of people who approved it and those who disapproved it. Whatever your views are let me list the points. I find this point of view reasonable because it is so close to my profession. I work as a telephone system administrator for IT company.

There are some argument in favor of the Internet connection. First of all, cutting edge technologies transfer audio and video data for a long distance with high speed. By this way everyone can have an audio video chat without any limits, which makes easier for people to listen to different types of music and even record new hit songs.

Second off all, we have an opportunity to do business deal with foreign companies. It was hard to imagine back in the 1980s. The business community is getting smaller with the help of the Internet nowadays. Moreover, some companies such as the Microsoft has a lot of branches all over the world, which communicate with each other via the Internet.

Furthermore, people can have a golden opportunity to study online. and it which is getting popular nowadays.Especially it is vital for disabled people with both who have some physical disabilities or and illnesses and cannot move at all. As they can use a global network to get education. Especially it is vital for disabled and severely ill people as they cannot move at all . It goes without saying above mention poor things can use a global network to get their diplomas and certificates and as result they disabled can easily integrated into the society.
What is more, As the physicians have started using global Network to treat the most complicated "incurable" discuses. Consequently, desperated patients in the distant areas have a glimmer of hope to live longer. The Internet will safe our lives!.
In conclusion, I think many people will agree with that the Internet is a great opportunity to make our life more comfortable. I truly believe in the future it will become the most important part of society


Дорогие форумчане, будет ли такой вариант оценен на нужные мне 5,5.
Заранее спасибо за любые отзывы.

[House M.D.]

Nowadays we are producing more and more rubbish. Why do you think this is happening? What can governments do to help reduce the amount of rubbish produced?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or experience.

Today, the amount of rubbish that is being produced by individuals is immeasurable. I am inclined to adhere to the view that there are two major reasons for this. Evidence suggests that governments can take certain measures to mitigate the problem

To my knowledge, the fact that the amount of refuse is growing around the world can be explained in two ways. Oddly enough, one of them is technological progress, which is forcing the majority of people to get rid of a variety of objects they possess with alarming rapidity. There is a growing body of statistical evidence indicating that two thirds of the population in developed countries purchase brand new electronic devices and home appliances annually, thereby replacing outdated ones, which are usually thrown away. Another reason for the increase in the amount of litter in many countries in recent years has been the change in the quality of delivery services which has become higher over the last few decades. This has made it necessary to utilize a greater amount of packaging material. As a case in point, every parcel I receive from abroad consists of at least 100 grams of carton and polyethylene which I always dispose of immediately.

Nevertheless, there are few ways in which governments could rectify the problem of excessive amount of garbage. One effective way to address the problem could be to introduce high taxes on any electronic device or electric equipment that has been used for fewer than three years and is intended to be thrown out/away. To my knowledge, this approach has recently helped the Swedish government, for instance, to decrease the number of home appliances in landfill sites dramatically, thereby significantly reducing the total area of places where discarded materials are dumped. Another possible method of troubleshooting the matter might be to provide support to waste recycling centers and waste collection points. In my opinion, not only could employing this measure diminish the number of such types of rubbish as carton or plastic, but it might also have a positive effect on the environment as this approach solves the problem of non-biodegradable waste effectively.

In conclusion, it is possible to conclude that modern technological progress as well as the rising quality of delivery services are the two primary reasons why the amount of rubbish is growing on the planet. However, my position is that implementing of hefty taxes on producing waste along with facilitating the recycling of waste might be the best solutions to the situation.

[Polina_K]

Nowadays we are producing more and more rubbish. Why do you think this is happening? What can governments do to help reduce the amount of rubbish produced?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or experience.

Today, the amount of rubbish that is being produced by individuals is immeasurable. I am inclined to adhere to the view that there are two major reasons for this. Evidence suggests that governments can take certain measures to mitigate the problem

To my knowledge, the fact that the amount of refuse is growing around the world can be explained in two ways. Oddly enough, one of them is technological progress, which is forcing the majority of people to get rid of a variety of objects they possess with alarming rapidity. There is a growing body of statistical evidence indicating that two thirds of the population in developed countries purchase brand new electronic devices and home appliances annually, thereby replacing outdated ones, which are usually thrown away. Another reason for the
in many countries in recent years has been the change in the quality of delivery services which has become higher over the last few decades. This has made it necessary to utilize a greater amount of packaging material. As a case in point, every parcel I receive from abroad consists of at least 100 grams of carton and polyethylene which I always dispose of immediately.

Nevertheless, there are few ways in which governments could rectify the problem of excessive amount of garbage. One effective way to address the problem could be to introduce high taxes on any electronic device or electric equipment that has been used for fewer than three years and is intended to be thrown out/away. To my knowledge, this approach has recently helped the Swedish government, for instance, to decrease the number of home appliances in landfill sites dramatically, thereby significantly reducing the total area of places where discarded materials are dumped. Another possible method of troubleshooting the matter might be to provide support to waste recycling centers and waste collection points. In my opinion, not only could employing this measure diminish the number of such types of rubbish as carton or plastic, but it might also have a positive effect on the environment as this approach solves the problem of non-biodegradable waste effectively.

In conclusion, it is possible to conclude that modern technological progress as well as the rising quality of delivery services are the two primary reasons why the amount of rubbish is growing on the planet. However, my position is that implementing of hefty taxes on producing waste along with facilitating the recycling of waste might be the best solutions to the situation.

У Вас неплохой словарный запас и владение грамматикой, но очень тяжеловесный стиль, тогда как крайне важно, чтобы экзаменатору было легко сразу ухватить мысль. Я бы советовала не стараться употребить слишком много существительных и герундиев подряд, а писать проще. Лучше где-то вставить 5-6 сильных collocations.

Плюс, научиться больше пользоваться глаголами, чем существительными

Например,
are the two primary reasons why = cause


Cможете ли Вы упростить данные конструкции?

the fact that the amount of refuse is growing
thereby replacing outdated ones, which are usually thrown away
increase in the amount of litter
the change in the quality of delivery services
the problem of excessive amount of garbage
significantly reducing the total area of places where discarded materials are dumped
modern technological progress as well as the rising quality of delivery services
implementing of hefty taxes on producing waste

[House M.D.]

У Вас неплохой словарный запас и владение грамматикой, но очень тяжеловесный стиль, тогда как крайне важно, чтобы экзаменатору было легко сразу ухватить мысль. Я бы советовала не стараться употребить слишком много существительных и герундиев подряд, а писать проще. Лучше где-то вставить 5-6 сильных collocations.

Плюс, научиться больше пользоваться глаголами, чем существительными

Например,
are the two primary reasons why = cause


Cможете ли Вы упростить данные конструкции?

the fact that the amount of refuse is growing
thereby replacing outdated ones, which are usually thrown away
increase in the amount of litter
the change in the quality of delivery services
the problem of excessive amount of garbage
significantly reducing the total area of places where discarded materials are dumped
modern technological progress as well as the rising quality of delivery services
implementing of hefty taxes on producing waste

Спасибо большое за ваш комментарий.

Что касается упрощения конструкций, не думаю, что сходу смогу это сделать, но обязательно подумаю как можно сделать их попроще.

[scudetto]

Буду благодарен, если поможете оценить данное эссе..

Public transportation is a great way to travel, particularly within a metropolis. The Shanghai metro
is the most convenient way to get around a city. Do you agree or disagree?


<удалено>

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Буду благодарен, если поможете оценить данное эссе..

Public transportation is a great way to travel, particularly within a metropolis. The Shanghai metro
is the most convenient way to get around a city. Do you agree or disagree?

.

Таких тем на экзамене не бывает. IELTS международный экзамен, а не китайский.

Если же смотреть имеено эту тему для особо избранных 'китайцев', то можно заметить, что вас спрашивают о Шанхае, а вы отвечаете о Москве!

[scudetto]

Нашел на просторах инета такую тему, вроде как именно с IELTS.
Город поменял, да.. хотел в задании просто москву подставить.)) Как-то не оч. аккуратно вышло = /

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Нашел на просторах инета такую тему, вроде как именно с IELTS.
Город поменял, да.. хотел в задании просто москву подставить))

Хотите я вам тоже много чего найду на просторах интернета?