My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Просто мысли вслух, ничего более...

Не советую использовать слово motherland в эссе, если только речь не идет о защите страны от завоевателей (но такого на IELTS не будет в любом случае)

[Vanderley]

Going sightseeing and visiting cultural places is a common attribute of travelling. Societies all over the world are concerned whether foreigners should be charged more for the access to those attractions. For several reasons I am inclined to believe that overseas visitors should pay higher price.

Observing museums, galleries and other similar objects as a kind of service, this statement becomes obvious. In order to prepare such places for people from abroad, governments have to spend some resources on creating such facilities like hotels, convenient transport system and assistant services. Most foreigners do not speak the language of the country they visit and translation of all important information, road signs and guidelines for example, are strongly required. In addition, attending such attractions as Coliseum in Rome or Hermitage in Saint Petersburg is a method of learning the history and heritage of other countries. With additional amount of money from foreign tourists this process of education and entertaining might well be more convenient and qualified for them.

Despite the fact that some of those services are being used by local people as well, they still should not pay more. First of all, some part of the budget that is filled with the citizens' taxes is spent on preserving objects of national heritage like museums, theatres and art galleries. Thus, citizens annually pay the bill and should have cheaper tickets, if not free. Moreover, it would be unfair__ if they were forced to pay higher price, in fact, for visiting something they already own to some extent. From some point of time any painting, book, statue or building become to the national legacy. Therefore, it seems reasonable if locals have more affordable access to it.

In conclusion, from my point of view, more expensive entrance to attractions for the people from abroad is a rational decision.

[Loon]

А я хотела бы спросить об аутлайне. Каким образом можно связать его с тезисом? Не до конца понимаю. Это значит перефразировать тезис, дополняя поинтами, которые описывали в параграфе??

[Vanderley]

Под аутлайном вы имеете в виду заключение?

[Loon]

Под аутлайном вы имеете в виду заключение?

Я имею ввиду заключение после каждого параграфа в мэйн боди. Там ведь должен быть аутлайн разве нет?

[Divo]

Я имею ввиду заключение после каждого параграфа в мэйн боди. Там ведь должен быть аутлайн разве нет?

На мой взгляд, совершенно необязательно. Я пишу боди-параграф из трех предложений по следующей схеме:

1. Топик-сентенс, который отражает основную мысль, о которой пойдет речь в этом параграфе.
2. Утверждение/аргумент, который развивает и поддерживает точку зрения, высказанную в топик-сентенс.
3. Конкретный пример, который подтверждает сказанное в двух предыдущих предложениях (пример из моей жизни, из жизни друзей или вообще гипотетический).

Звучит сложновато, давайте посмотрим на примере одного моего эссе.

Task: Some people think that higher education should be free. Other people think all university students should pay tuition fees. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Т.к. в задании сказано, что нужно обсудить обе точки зрения, то мой первый боди-параграф будет в поддержку того, что высшее образование должно быть бесплатным. Пишем три предложения по схеме, представленной выше:

1. From one perspective, there undeniably exist contexts in which it is wholly understandable to make post-secondary education free.

Т.е. в топик-сентенсе мы подтверждаем, что действительно бывают такие ситуации, при которых высшее образование было бы разумно сделать бесплатным (и это подразумевает, что речь в этом параграфе пойдет именно о таких ситуациях). Мы не спорим, не даем примеров и пояснений, а просто озвучиваем очевидное - да, такие ситуации есть (и подразумеваем, что дальше мы о них и будем говорить подробнее).

2. For example, the opportunity to pursue an undergraduate degree for free could encourage many school-leavers from impoverished families to apply to universities.

Во втором предложении мы описываем одну из тех конкретных ситуаций, про которые говорится в топик-сентенсе. Например, возможность получить бесплатное образование дает стимул вчерашним школьникам из бедных семей поступить в институт.


3. Hypothetically, if I were in my late teens, and my family was not able to support me financially or pay for my education, it would be almost impossible for me to be awarded a degree simply because I would not be able to afford it.

Третье предложение является развернутым примером ситуации, которая описана во втором предложении. В данном конкретном случае описан гипотетический пример, типа "если бы..., то...". Но можно заменить и конкретным примером, типа "когда лично я закончила школу, у моей семьи не было возможности платить за мое обучение в институте, и если бы высшее образование в России было платным, то я бы не смогла его получить и стать доктором".

Суммируя сказанное выше, хочу еще раз подчеркнуть, что "заключение" в боди-параграфе в том виде, в котором Вы его подразумеваете (типа, "подведение итогов параграфа"), совершенно необязательно. В критериях оценки IELTS Writing на band 8 в разделе Task response сказано, что кандидат должен "presents a well-developed response to the question with relevant, extended and supported ideas". На мой взгляд, указанная выше структура параграфа из 3-4 предложений, полностью соответствует этому требованию, т.е. Ваши идеи в каждом боди-параграфе становятся relevant с помощью топик-сентенса, extended с помощью второго предложения (Вы развиваете озвученную идею с помощью аргумента) и supported с помощью третьего предложения (т.е. Вы подкрепляете аргумент конкретным или гипотетическим примером).

Вроде понятно объяснила, если что - спрашивайте. Удачи на экзамене!

[Loon]

Спасибо, очень выручили! Пойду домучивать свои сочинения, так как в субботу сдаю свой первый IELTS

[Vanderley]

hehe, ielts virgin

[Dremlin]

In a last few decades, the increased popularity of tourism has drawn the attention of the society to a number of controversial questions. One of them is the differential entrance fees for local people and foreigners. I believe that while such practice might be quite understandable in some cases, governments should generally try to avoid it.

On the one hand, under certain circumstances, such measures can be reasonable. This can be illustrated by the example of developing countries which invest heavily in tourism. By having higher prices for foreign tourists, they ensure that the tourism industry is profitable while their citizens still can afford to visit local museums, temples, etc. Also, the differential approach can be used as an incentive when the locals seem to lose interest in their country's culture and history.

However, I believe that in general case, governments should treat people equally when it comes to entrance fees. When the reason for having different prices is not obvious for the visitors, it can be seen as an attempt to make advantage of them. There is a good chance that people will avoid countries with the discriminating policies like this. As a result what was planned as a measure to increase countries' budgets will in fact lead to an opposite effect.

To conclude, it can be acceptable for a country to have foreign travellers to pay bigger entrance fees for local cultural and historical attractions. However, it seems that such policy can be seen as somewhat discriminatory and should be generally avoided.

In a last few decades – не уверен на счет использование артикля “A”, скорее всего “The”
the society – Не уверен на 100%, но какого именно общества?
such measures – опять же не уверен, но помню как мой преподаватель говорил, что such используется совместно с as
Also, - может быть придирка, но я бы использовал более формальный линкин ворд типа Moreover, In addition.
when it comes to entrance fees – поставил бы артикль the entrance fees.
like this – как то неформально что-ли.. Хотя может быть эссе на GT не на столько формальное, как на AT.
As a result – возможно нужна запятая.
to pay bigger entrance fees – higher instead of bigger
can be seen – повторяется в двух местах, я бы заменил в одном месте на should be considered.
P.S. Мне иногда не нравятся свои эссе также из-за того, что они “плоские”, ввернуть хотя бы одну инверсию и (2-ой или 3-ий) кондишнл.

[NestyIvan]

Из соседней ветки переношу сюда своё эссе. Покритикуйте пожалуйста.

Stress is now a major problem in many countries around the world.
What are some of the factors in modern society that cause this stress, and how can we reduce it?

With the age of effective technologies and incredibly fast lifestyle, many people nowadays constantly feel stress. While there are number of reasons for this situation, it is possible to avoid such emotional condition by several measures.

First of all, there are number of factors which influence moral condition. Television and media sources promote the idea of being successful as the most significant value in a human life. Followed by this popular dogma, people aspire to earn as much welfare as possible despite all of the possible consequences. One of them is that most followers loose their identity and over some period of time they feel lost as if they chose a wrong direction one day. This stressful situation may well become worse because of the another contributor – new technologies. Spending most of the lodge time in front of computers and television leads to a lack of communication and loneliness.

However, measures of reaching the life of ease exist and may help to decrease the level of stress. First, instead of desperate pursuit for tremendous welfare, one should comprehend his or her genuine vocation in life. If people spent more time on activities they prefer, their lives would be more peaceful and joyful. If one stop comparing time and money equally, eventually more spare time will be available for him or her, which could be spend on relationships with the family and friends. This kind of activity might relieve the level of stress significantly, because sharing problems with another person is an effective method to stay in a positive mood.

To conclude, number of triggers expose people under the pressure of moral strain, but everyone is able to find a solace in life by following right direction.

[Dremlin]

Из соседней ветки переношу сюда своё эссе. Покритикуйте пожалуйста.


Stress is now a major problem in many countries around the world.
What are some of the factors in modern society that cause this stress, and how can we reduce it?



With the age of effective technologies and incredibly fast lifestyle, many people nowadays constantly feel stress. While there are number of reasons for this situation, it is possible to avoid such emotional condition by several measures.

First of all, there are number of factors which influence moral condition. Television and media sources promote the idea of being successful as the most significant value in a human life. Followed by this popular dogma, people aspire to earn as much welfare as possible despite all of the possible consequences. One of them is that most followers loose their identity and over some period of time they feel lost as if they chose a wrong direction one day. This stressful situation may well become worse because of another contributor – new technologies. Spending most of the lodge time in front of computers and television leads to a lack of communication and loneliness.

However, measures of reaching the life of ease exist and may help to decrease the level of stress. First, instead of desperate pursuit for tremendous welfare, one should comprehend his or her genuine vocation in life. Did people spend more time on activities they prefer, their lives would be more peaceful and joyful. Do not compare time and money equally, one will have more spare time, which could be spend on relationships with the family and friends. This kind of activity might relieve the level of stress significantly, because sharing problems with another person is an effective method in psychotherapy.

To conclude, number of triggers expose people under the pressure of moral strain, but everyone are able to find a solace in life by following right direction.

Мои комментарии не претендуют на истину в последней инстанции, если в чем то не прав, поправьте.

With the age of effective technologies и fast lifestyle – сначала я было задался вопросом при чем тут эффективные технологии, но потом дочитал 2-ой параграф и задался вопросом, а при чем тут фаст лайфстайл? Как мне кажется, в интро не нужно говорить о чем конкретно пойдет речь, но нужно заострить проблему более размытыми общеизвестными фактами.
feel stress – я бы написал experience или suffer from.
such emotional condition – вместо such this.
Moral condition – мораль здесь не при чем.
Television and media sources – TV is included into the media, isn’t it?
a human life – на мой взгляд артикль нужно опустить или поставить the
to earn as much welfare as possible – неверный коллакейшн, to earn money as much as it is possible.
may well become – честно сказать не понял что это…
of another contributor – артикль the
lodge time – maybe leisure time?
Did people spend - ?
Do not compare time and money equally – это что совет другу?
Do not compare time and money equally, one will have more spare time – сори, но такое ощущение, что переводено в гугл транслэйт.
First, - а где секонд? И еще не уверен, что это линкин ворд.
, because – запятая не нужна.
because sharing problems with another person is an effective method in psychotherapy – психотерапия? Если конечно another person не профессиональный психотерапевт
everyone are able

P.S. И еще, Вы говорите о решениях как-то не уверено “may” “might”, а нужно will, is definitely the solution and so on.

[NestyIvan]

Did people spend - ?
Do not compare time and money equally – это что совет другу?
Do not compare time and money equally, one will have more spare time – сори, но такое ощущение, что переводено в гугл транслэйт.

Это была попытка использования инверсии в условном предложении. Попытка провалилась.

[Dremlin]

Это была попытка использования инверсии в условном предложении. Попытка провалилась.

Я не силен в инверсиях, дождемся Vanderlay'a...

[NestyIvan]

Я не силен в инверсиях, дождемся Vanderlay'a...

В общем, и так понятно, что было неправильно абсолютно. Я просто из плохого источника информацию взял + переврал её своими додумками.
В википедии расписано более менее в каких случаях инверсия в условном может быть использована.

[Dremlin]

Прошу конструктивно потроллить.

Stress is now a major problem in many countries around the world.

What are some of the factors in modern society that cause this stress, and how can we reduce it?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge.

Nowadays, the condition of people's mental health has started to concern them in the modern society. Individuals have become to suffer from annoyance, unhappiness and frustration. This essay will put forward the notion that this situation happens because of the definite reasons the negative effects of which can be diminished or avoided.

There is no doubt that stress is caused by the number of circumstances in the people’s lives. Firstly, lots of them work hard pursuing to earn money as much as they can and forget about such simple thing as taking the rest. As a result, a person becomes tired, unsatisfied and demotivated. Secondly, unhealthy lifestyle is the one of the main reasons which could lead to nervousness and depression. For instance, smoking, abusing of alcohol and unhealthy diet can result in insomnia and mental disorders. Finally, loneliness causes some psychological issues which impact individuals negatively. This can be proven by the fact that almost all human beings are social creatures and being alone for them is difficult not only physically but psychologically as well.

Nevertheless, the above highlighted problems can be resolved by the following approaches. One solution is taking rest during the leisure time when a person out of the office. In other words, an individual should not be overloaded permanently at work but dedicate a reasonable time in order to recharge their battery. Another measure to decrease the negative effects of the stress is to follow healthy lifestyle by doing physical exercises, eating balanced diet and denying drinking alcohol. In addition, encouraging the social life by keeping in touch with the close relatives, supporting friendship and making new friends is the integral part of a person's life which helps people to stay mentally stable.

To sum up, indeed, stress is one of the main psychological issues for humans in today’s world which can be successfully defeated by following the measures suggested in this essay.