My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[illi4]

Всем привет! Упорно готовлюсь к сдаче экзамена, ориентир минимум на 7-ку (меньше нельзя). Покритикуйте, плиз

1. 510 слов. Вы напишете нормальное эссе на 510 слов за 40 минут на экзамене? Маловероятно.
2. Почитайте в книгах и статьях, посвящённых написанию эссе, о структуре.
3. Почитайте в книгах и статьях, посвящённых написанию эссе, о task response и о том, что делать нельзя.

[Aviv]

Всем привет.
Покритикуйте пожалуйста. На сколько подобное может потянуть?
Заранее большое спасибо!

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years.
Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.

It is difficult to deny, that the one of the main problem of the modern society is the overweight and this issue is becoming worse every year. The main scared thing there is the increased number of children with the overweight in the western countries.

I believe there are the two main reasons for such tendency. The first of them is the unhealthy diet. Nowadays significant part of an average child’s menu is a fast food. Such food contains huge amount of fats and sugar and consequently huge amount of calories. Fast food is usually tastier, than homemade food, because of chemical additives and looks more attractive for children because of the wide advertisement in the last years. Therefore, children get more calories they need with food and less healthy substances.

The second main reason of the increasing overweight among children is a sedentary lifestyle. Unlike previous years, nowadays, children spend most time at home in front of computers or other gadgets. They do not need to go outside to play or have a chat with their friends anymore; they can get these entire things using a computer and the Internet.

Unhealthy diet and lack of exercises lead to overweight and finally to significant health problems. Overweight can be reason for such serious issues as hard diseases, high blood pressure or diabetes. As long as this problem affects children, it becomes a threat for the entire society and its future.

In conclusion, I firmly believe that the problem of overweight among children, we are observing now, lead to a serious consequences for the society and therefore should be addressed as soon as possible.

[illi4]

1. У вас 2 параграфа о причинах и 1 об эффектах, надо было по параграфу с парой идей в каждом.
2. Проблемы с лексикой почти в каждом предложении...

Всем привет.
Покритикуйте пожалуйста. На сколько подобное может потянуть?
Заранее большое спасибо!

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years.
Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.

It is difficult to deny, that the one of the main problem of the modern society is the overweight and this issue is becoming worse every year. The main scared thing there is the increased number of children with the overweight in the western countries.

I believe there are the two main reasons for such tendency. The first of them is the unhealthy diet. Nowadays significant part of an average child’s menu is a fast food. Such food contains huge amount of fats and sugar and consequently huge amount of calories. Fast food is usually tastier, than homemade food, because of chemical additives and looks more attractive for children because of the wide advertisement in the last years. Therefore, children get more calories they need with food and less healthy substances.

The second main reason of the increasing overweight among children is a sedentary lifestyle. Unlike previous years, nowadays, children spend most time at home in front of computers or other gadgets. They do not need to go outside to play or have a chat with their friends anymore; they can get these entire things using a computer and the Internet.

Unhealthy diet and lack of exercises lead to overweight and finally to significant health problems. Overweight can be reason for such serious issues as hard diseases, high blood pressure or diabetes. As long as this problem affects children, it becomes a threat for the entire society and its future.

In conclusion, I firmly believe that the problem of overweight among children, we are observing now, lead to a serious consequences for the society and therefore should be addressed as soon as possible.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years.
Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend

It is difficult to deny, that the one of the main problem of the modern society is the overweight and this issue is becoming worse every year. The main scared thing there is the increased number of children with the overweight in the western countries.

Великолепный пример почему темы надо брать из нормальныx источников.

[Aviv]

2. Проблемы с лексикой почти в каждом предложении...

Вы имеете ввиду построение предложений?

[Goran Dražić]

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years.
Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.

It is difficult to deny, that the one of the main problem problems of the modern western society is the overweight obesity , and this issue is becoming worse more serious every year. The main scared scariest(or even better, most troubling) thing there is the increased number of children with the overweight overweight children(obese children, children suffering from obesity) in the western countries.

I believe there are the two main reasons for such tendency. The first of them is the unhealthy diet. Nowadays significant part of an average child’s menu is a fast food. Such food contains huge amount of fats and sugar and consequently huge amount of calories. Fast food is usually tastier, than homemade food, because of chemical additives and looks more attractive for children because of the wide advertisement in the last years. Therefore, children get more calories then they need with food and less healthy substances.

The second main reason of the increasing overweight obesity among children is a sedentary lifestyle. Unlike previous years, nowadays, children spend most time at home in front of computers or other gadgets. They do not need to go outside to play or have a chat with their friends anymore; they can get these entire accomplish all these things using a computer and the Internet.

Unhealthy diet and lack of exercises lead to overweight obesity and finally as a result to significant major health problems. Overweight Obesity can be a reason for such serious issues as hard heart diseases, high blood pressure or diabetes. As long as this problem affects children, it becomes a threat for the entire society and its future.

In conclusion, I firmly believe that the problem of overweight obesity among children, we are observing now, lead leads to a serious consequences for the society and therefore should be addressed as soon as possible.

[Goran Dražić]

Aviv, you were unlucky not to know how to use the word overweight, and as a result you got 6 vocabulary mistakes. Another problem is that you showed that you can't rephrase. Ideally, before writing an essay, you should spend some time on synonyms.

Obesity, weight problems, overweight children, problem under discussion, discussed issue, problem at hand...

[Aviv]

Aviv, you were unlucky not to know how to use the word overweight, and as a result you got 6 vocabulary mistakes. Another problem is that you showed that you can't rephrase. Ideally, before writing an essay, you should spend some time on synonyms.

Obesity, weight problems, overweight children, problem under discussion, discussed issue, problem at hand...

You are right. I even didn't know the word "obesity".
Thank you very much for corrections and comments!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

...

Goran, in modern English the use of overweight as a noun is widespread.

[Goran Dražić]

Goran, in modern English the use of overweight as a noun is widespread.

Wow, that's new. Just checked longman and collins, and the second one does know about it. Next time I'll be aware of this.

Anyway, my feeling about using it as a noun chimes with one person's from here who wrote

I still cringe internally whenever I hear "overweight" used as a noun

[Goran Dražić]

Aviv, as you now see, overweight can be used as a noun. However, after some research I see that a lot of people are not okay with such usage, so to be of the safe side I would probably avoid it. On the other hand, IELTS markers are professionals so who knows

[Aviv]

Aviv, as you now see, overweight can be used as a noun. However, after some research I see that a lot of people are not okay with such usage, so to be of the safe side I would probably avoid it. On the other hand, IELTS markers are professionals so who knows

I am a little bit confused now. But anyway thank you guys for your help.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Wow, that's new. Just checked longman and collins, and the second one does know about it. Next time I'll be aware of this.

Anyway, my feeling about using it as a noun chimes with one person's from here who wrote

And yet it is. One person's opinion is just this particular person's opinion. I don't like this either but the usage is legit.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Here's the result of my 'investigation'. Just to prove the point and make sure that I don't confuse IELTS takers.

From The Official Cambridge Guide to IELTS, p. 46

What has caused these dramatic changes on the space of a songle
generation? There are two main theories. lncreasing overweight is caused by an energy imbalance: either energy intake (food) increases. or energy expenditure decreases, or both.

[Слартибартфаст]

Покритикуйте, пожалуйста.

Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem.
To what extent do you agree with this statement?

An unhealthy lifestyle is a problem of many modern-day children, sorting out which is a challenge of the parents and schoolteachers. I absolutely agree with this opinion because it is parents who choose what to bring to table at home and how their children spend their leisure; school is a place where not only should the pupils be given knowledge of maths, history or geography but also a healthy lifestyle.

Before and after school time parents are in charge of their children. What a child will be eat for lunch – crisps and Coca-Cola or vegetables and juice – the parents decide as well as whether their child will spend all day at a computer or at a sports centre. Furthermore children look at their parents and copy them, so by practising healthy lifestyle parents encourage their infants to do the same.

Schools are spots where children gain knowledge about life, and a healthy life should be a part of the school curriculum. A schoolteacher’s job is to educate, and, having the required qualifications, they can properly explain to their learners what to eat better and how to keep fit. In addition, teachers have authority over their pupils, which can be used to make the children au fait with healthy eating and an active lifestyle. Moreover the school course includes such subjects as food technology and physical education where the school population can acquire a corresponding knowledge.

In conclusion, I completely agree that it is the responsibility of schools and parents to solve the issue of children’s unhealthy lifestyle of today. This is because they have all the necessary opportunities for that: the parents at home and the teachers at school. Given this situation, it seems that parents should try to provide a healthy diet for their children and encourage them to lead active lives while schools should explain to the pupils why and how they can do that.

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