My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Marcella]

Ryzhik,
usual goods всегда были в перемешку с преобладанием вредных товаров
A shops whos' goal is to sell more не пойму что тут непонятного.
possible causes of unhealthy food тоже что не так ?
Про 90% кого волнует факт это или нет, главное по теме идет.
Почему пойзон ? В эссе написано о том что высококалорийные товары вредны для здоровья и hence нужно запретить.

Usual goods - так не говорят вроде бы, некорректное словосочетание

A shops - А= one


whos' goal - spelling

possible causes of unhealthy food - возможная причина нездоровой еды?

90% звучит как непожьвержденный факт, лучше избегать таких заявлений

[Ryzhik]

Добрый день! Буду очень благодарна, если посмотрите мое эссе.
Тема: Some people think that the news media have become much more influential in people's lives today and that this is a negative development. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In today’s fast moving world, the mass media have developed and expanded significantly. – Is well developed / during past several decades (or by today) … has developed
There is no question that it impacts on society lifestyle. – Society’s lifestyle.
However, the influence on people can be different either positive or adverse. – This influence
I partly agree with the statement about the negative effect on the public. – Effect of mass media
In this essay, I will examine both sides of the news media’s influence and try to explain my opinion.

To begin with, it is important to emphasize that the sources of information and news such as newspapers, magazines, radio, television and the Internet reach and affect (a?) large numbers of people. – A large number of
They not only provide new information about something that has happened recently but also perform an educational function for the generation. People may know about many events around the world and can find a lot of data and facts to improve their skills and knowledge. Moreover, society has a right to get any information which they need for their development and the Internet gives such opportunity. – Such an opportunity
Thus, today’s news media give the contemporaries the greater advantages of obtaining more chances than previous generations. – Gives/ advantage over previous generations/ maybe: “Thus, thank to mass media, today’s generation is at an advantage over the previous ones.” (?)

Another vital aspect that should be mentioned is disadvantages of the mass media effect on the vast majority of people. –As you write about the opposite point of view, better start with the “On the other hand” or similar. When you say “to begin with” and then “another vital aspect”, your paragraphs supposed to support the same point of view. “Disadvantages of the mass media effect” is incorrect as well.
The media can be manipulated in all manners, for example through professional public relations and covert and overt government propaganda which disseminates propaganda as news. – Two times “propaganda” – maybe replace one with “government control”, and better use modal verb “which may disseminate”
What are often deemed as credible news sources can often knowingly or unknowingly be pushing political agendas and propaganda. For instance, the media of North Korea is among the most strictly controlled by the state in the world.
It is convenient for the government to keep a tight rein on people. – This sentence needs to be connected to the “media” too. Maybe “Mass media, which is often called “the forth power”, is a great instrument for governments to keep a tight rein on people”

In conclusion, it is possible to say that the news media can affect people lifestyle both positively and negatively. It depends on the goals which the mass media wanted to achieve. – People’s lifestyle

В целом, очень неплохо, молодец

[illi4]

Мои 5 копеек по проблемам (имхо):

1. Порядок слов в предложениях, их формирование, перегруженность и рунглиш.
2. Артикли.
3. Логика написания эссе в целом, параграфов и thesis sentense в частности.

Прокачивайте грамматику и учитесь писать логичные эссе.

Оцените пожалуйста.

Some say that shops should sell only the healthy and good food and drinks to consumers. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give your opinion.

Nowadays, the majority of food and drinks offered by malls and markets could affect negatively human organism and wellbeing, hence the people starting to choose from natural and unharmful products rather than usual goods. Whilst a shops whos' goal is to sell more goods and gain more profit, some people concerned about healthiness of foods and drinks which they consume. My opinion is that sellers should supply only healthy and good products, according to the consumers demand.

Eating only natural organic products decreases chances of having obesity and heart disease. According to surveys, up to 80% of people, who lost their extra weight, were eating mainly natural food and drinking only fresh juice for some period. Most of these people said that they used to eating conserved and high fat products, due to large selection, availability and low price. Thus, selling only healthy food and drinks could positively impact on people health.

However, some people may argue that it is consumer’s right to choose from list of products, and no one can command them what to buy. In reality, they usually forget or do not know the possible causes of unhealthy food. According to recent statistic reports, about 90% of children want to possess things they see in the stores. Thus, sellers should not have unhealthy products on their shops.

Taking into account everything mentioned above, I am inclined to believe that offering only healthy goods could affect the consumers behavior in a positive way, resulting in well-being and general welfare. Hence, shops should be banned to sell harmful products, and perhaps even more strict legislation should be introduced regarding this kind of foods.

275 words, 3600 secs, one word from dictionary

[NortT]

Привет всем. Покритикуйте пожалуйста, насколько все плохо? Что можно подправить в структуре и т.п., кроме обычного "иди учи английский"?

Being a celebrity – such as a famous film star or sports personality – brings problems as well as benefits. Do you think that being a celebrity brings more benefits or more problems? Тема с Cambridge, 9.

There are different opinions whether being a well-known person brings more problems than profit. Some people believe that it is very beneficial to be popular while others think that it causes some negatives in life. In my opinion, being a star brings more difficulties in life. An analysis of the private life of celebrities as well as their tight schedule will prove the above stated position.

The main reason why I reckon that it is not easy to be famous is that celebrities do not have the private life. They always are hunted by reporters and have no opportunities to visit many public places like shops and cinemas without being encircled by journalists. For example, everybody remembers the Princess Diana, who was driving her car, had an accident because of paparazzi which were trying to take Diana’s photo. This example clearly shows that fame could even obliterate an iconic person.

Secondly, well-known people should work hard and spend a lot of time in their trips far from home. In many cases it leads to problems with family members. For example, if singers and have their concerts which are continued several months, their children grow up without parental love and care which is necessary for minors. This is why celebrities often stay alone after the fame gone and their offspring do not visit them because they do not know enough their parents.

In conclusion, I completely agree that being admirable persons has the negative effect on their life. After analyzing this subject, it has become quite evident that fame could bring serious problems into people’s lives and impact their families harmfully.

[illi4]

Имхо:

Привет всем. Покритикуйте пожалуйста, насколько все плохо? Что можно подправить в структуре и т.п., кроме обычного "иди учи английский"?

Being a celebrity – such as a famous film star or sports personality – brings problems as well as benefits. Do you think that being a celebrity brings more benefits or more problems?

There are different opinions of whether being a well-known person brings more problems than profit. Some people believe that it is very beneficial to be popular while others think that it causes some negatives in life [кривовато]. In my opinion, being a star brings more difficulties to one's life [more than what?]. An analysis of the private life of celebrities as well as their tight schedule [будете анализировать их личную жизнь и календарь? ] will prove the above stated [above-stated или the position stated above] position.

The main reason why I reckon that it is not easy to be famous is that celebrities do not have private life. They always are hunted [chased, pursued] by reporters and cannot visit many public places like shops and cinemas without being encircled by journalists. For example, everybody remembers Princess Diana, who was driving her car and had an accident because of paparazzi who were trying to take a photo of Diana. This example clearly shows that fame could even obliterate an iconic person.

Secondly, well-known people should work hard and spend a lot of time in their trips far from home. In many cases this leads to problems with family members [family problems]. For example, if singers and have their concerts [не понял] which are continued [for] several months, their children [may] grow up without [grow up experiencing a lack of] parental love and care which is necessary for minors. This is why celebrities often stay [end up] alone after their fame is gone and their children do not visit them because they do not know enough their parents [do not know their parents - рунглиш, неудачно кмк].

In conclusion, I completely agree [вопрос эссе - do you think, было бы лучше использовать другую фразу] that being admirable persons [можно быть сразу несколькими персонами? ] can have a negative effect on their [whose?] life. After analyzing this subject, it has become quite evident that fame can bring serious problems into people’s lives and impact their families harmfully.

[agronom]

Имхо:

второе предложение в интро вообще лишнее думаю

[agronom]

Привет всем. Покритикуйте пожалуйста, насколько все плохо? Что можно подправить в структуре и т.п., кроме обычного "иди учи английский"?

Being a celebrity – such as a famous film star or sports personality – brings problems as well as benefits. Do you think that being a celebrity brings more benefits or more problems? Тема с Cambridge, 9.

There are different opinions whether being a well-known person brings more problems than profit. Some people believe that it is very beneficial to be popular while others think that it causes some negatives in life. In my opinion, being a star brings more difficulties in life. An analysis of the private life of celebrities as well as their tight schedule will prove the above stated position.

The main reason why I reckon that it is not easy to be famous is that celebrities do not have the private life. They always are hunted by reporters and have no opportunities to visit many public places like shops and cinemas without being encircled by journalists. For example, everybody remembers the Princess Diana, who was driving her car, had an accident because of paparazzi which were trying to take Diana’s photo. This example clearly shows that fame could even obliterate an iconic person.

Secondly, well-known people should work hard and spend a lot of time in their trips far from home. In many cases it leads to problems with family members. For example, if singers and have their concerts which are continued several months, their children grow up without parental love and care which is necessary for minors. This is why celebrities often stay alone after the fame gone and their offspring do not visit them because they do not know enough their parents.

In conclusion, I completely agree that being admirable persons has the negative effect on their life. After analyzing this subject, it has become quite evident that fame could bring serious problems into people’s lives and impact their families harmfully.

давай попробуем его немного улучшить

There are different opinions of whether being a well-known person brings more problems than profits.Personally, I believe that being a star brings more difficulties(drawbacks, negatives) to there life then bonuses(benefits).An analysis of the constant intervention of mass media in (their) private life (of celebrities) as well as( their)luck of communication with family members caused by tight schedule will prove the above stated position.

попробуй дальше сам

[NortT]

if singers and have their concerts [не понял]

Там изначально было singers and actors. Стер не до конца.

that being admirable persons [можно быть сразу несколькими персонами? ] can have a negative effect on their [whose?] life.

Сначало было being an admirable person, но чтобы не писать on his or her life, я написал persons.

They always are hunted [chased, pursued] by

Вам не нравится слово hunted, или вы просто предлагаете альтернативы? Я после написания консультировался с лонгамном: to hunt - to search for and find something that you need or want, but which is difficult to find. В словаре macmillan есть такое определение to try to find someone or something. Вроде бы подходит. Нет?

In conclusion, I completely agree [вопрос эссе - do you think, было бы лучше использовать другую фразу] that

In conclusion, I reckon that .... or I consider that... or in my opinion... так удачнее было бы?
agronom, спасибо! Я бы так никогда не додумался написать, я вообще несколько косноязычен

[agronom]

Там изначально было singers and actors. Стер не до конца.


Сначало было being an admirable person, но чтобы не писать on his or her life, я написал persons.


Вам не нравится слово hunted, или вы просто предлагаете альтернативы? Я после написания консультировался с лонгамном: to hunt - to search for and find something that you need or want, but which is difficult to find. В словаре macmillan есть такое определение to try to find someone or something. Вроде бы подходит. Нет?


In conclusion, I reckon that .... or I consider that... or in my opinion... так удачнее было бы?
agronom, спасибо! Я бы так никогда не додумался написать, я вообще несколько косноязычен

зря вы так думаете. я не использовал новых идей и сложных слов. я просто хочу вам показать что вы обрываете мысли. а несколько простых слов могут сделать большое дело.
так что насчет улучшения вашего ессей? будете пробовать?

[Galya1985]

Граматеи лядь. Зе перед жывыми (и мертвыми) людьми не пишеццо.

[Galya1985]

А вообще грамматика в эссе на кол.

[NortT]

зря вы так думаете. я не использовал новых идей и сложных слов. я просто хочу вам показать что вы обрываете мысли. а несколько простых слов могут сделать большое дело.
так что насчет улучшения вашего ессей? будете пробовать?

Да, буду. Только если честно нету идей, что можно было бы подправить еще

[Vyacheslav16]

Граматеи лядь. Зе перед жывыми (и мертвыми) людьми не пишеццо.

А как на счет примера "He was not the Tom I had known before." ?

[NK999]

Очень-очень прошу Вас посмотреть моё эссе. Буду ВАМ очень благодарна!!

Добрый день! Буду очень благодарна, если посмотрите мое эссе.
Тема: Some people think that the news media have become much more influential in people's lives today and that this is a negative development. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Много раз повторяю information, не получилось его заменить. И слов много 306 - на сколько это может повлиять на оценку?


In today’s fast moving world, the mass media have developed and expanded significantly. There is no question that it impacts on society lifestyle. However, the influence on people can be different either positive or adverse. I partly agree with the statement about the negative effect on the public. In this essay, I will examine both sides of the news media’s influence and try to explain my opinion.

To begin with, it is important to emphasize that the sources of information and news such as newspapers, magazines, radio, television and the Internet reach and affect (a?) large numbers of people. They not only provide new information about something that has happened recently but also perform an educational function for the generation. People may know about many events around the world and can find a lot of data and facts to improve their skills and knowledge. Moreover, society has a right to get any information which they need for their development and the Internet gives such opportunity. Thus, today’s news media give the contemporaries the greater advantages of obtaining more chances than previous generations.

Another vital aspect that should be mentioned is disadvantages of the mass media effect on the vast majority of people. The media can be manipulated in all manners, for example through professional public relations and covert and overt government propaganda which disseminates propaganda as news. What are often deemed as credible news sources can often knowingly or unknowingly be pushing political agendas and propaganda. For instance, the media of North Korea is among the most strictly controlled by the state in the world. It is convenient for the government to keep a tight rein on people.

In conclusion, it is possible to say that the news media can affect people lifestyle both positively and negatively. It depends on the goals which the mass media wanted to achieve.

Спасибо!

[mysoul]

Оцените, пожалуйста, мое эссе. Желательно с ОСОБОЙ строгостью. Цель - сдать Academic module на все 7, а написание эссе хромает.

New technology and ways of buying and selling are transforming the lives of consumers.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Sophisticated technology has changed lives of people in many developed societies. Today, Internet has become an integral part of life of contemporary generation. It is agreed that it has integrated in all the spheres of human’s lives and even altered the traditional ways of shopping. This essay will examine the most significant changes of this development.

Firstly, nowadays, it is possible to buy almost everything without leaving a house. A mother of three children from a tiny town in Siberia, for example, may purchase trendy clothes for her kids from a German website and receive her order by mail. This, this woman does not need to go to a crowded store, spend time in queues; all she needs is an access to the Internet.

Another evident change is that online shoppers acquire better knowledge about the goods they would like to purchase. For instance, a month ago, my farther decided to buy a new television set. Prior to make the purchase he had studied all the peculiarities of TV set production as well as differences between 3D, LED and LCD displays. Finally, he became an expert in modern TV sets which facilitated the process of finding a good bargain at the lowest price. This example confirms that contemporary customers usually know exactly their needs. Therefore, the vendors have to struggle by selling higher-quality goods at minimum price to attract the customers.

In conclusion, the examples above clearly show that the world of consumerism has enormously changed due to the recent developments in technology. It is recommended for the participants of the global trade to get used to the advances in order to receive profit from this.
(276 words)

Спасибо!