My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Rus_R]

EugeneY, я не большой специалист поэтому пишу строгое ИМХО, возможно позже более опытные пользователи напишут.
Итак, есть грамматические ошибки, в частности употребление неопределенного артикля перед существительными во множественном числе:
an authorities
a couples
an officials
Еще мне не очень нравится употребление such, обычно его употребляют для усиления, типа such a beautiful day, he is such a fool, etc. Поэтому фразы типа
in such method
such fees
such measure
я бы заменила на другие
to limit this figure in such method = to limit this figure in this way, to limit this figure using this method
such fees = these fees
such measure = this measure
Т.е есть проблемы с грамматикой, надо заниматься ею.

По структуре мне тоже не очень понравилось, в параграфах аргументы не убедительны, например про бедные районы, где люди живут на 1 доллар и соотвественно не могут платить дополнительный налог, но не понятно как это уменьшит рождаемость. Второй параграф вроде как тоже самое, что и в первом бедность и бедность.

[Валера]

Добрый вечер. Буду благодарен если кто то проверит мое эссе.

As more children become involved in crime at an early age, society must change the way it punishes them. For some violent young offenders youth prisons are the only options.
To what extent do you agree with this opinion?
You should use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence.

The problem of committing crime by youth has long been the subject of intense debate and this is the question that certainly does not have one current answer. Moreover it is belived that some of offenders must not be punished.

According to the resent research, there are some factors that affect children and teenagers to commit crimes, such as: homelessness, drag abuses, peer pressure, etc. As example, a child who is being grown in poor housing will commit crime in 35% average. Some of us may even be shocked with these figures.
On the one hand the younger is criminal the less He or She understands what He or She is doing. Furthermore have you ever considered the fact that kids may be used by criminals intentionally? Children might simply be deceived.

On the other hand , unless we take particular measures to any criminals, we will face a crime boom. For instance we can take into consideration scientists’ report that has been done recently. It says that child commits crime as long as He or She is having a poor housing or suffers from peer pressure. In my opinion it is about time we stopped blaming and paid attention to not only parents but to government as well. Unless the government promotes healthy life style, organize special child services, create some activities such as: free gum, free education, we can not expect substantial drop in crime range.

As was mentioned before children crime is significant issue. And not only children have to take responsibility for crimes, since some of criminals are too young to realize what they are doing, but also parents and government. And summarizing all above I firmly believe that the way criminals are punished must be changed, and some of them should not be sentenced to prison as they are too young to realize the consequences of their behavior.

[Challenge]

Валера, вы совсем не отвечаете на вопрос в параграфах, в первом вы пишите о причинах youth crime, а во втором предлагаете как бороться с этим.
Единственное предложение в тему - последнее, но оно тоже не логично:
And summarizing all above I firmly believe that the way criminals (все criminals? спрашивали только о children) are punished must be changed, and some of them should not be sentenced to prison as they are too young to realize the consequences of their behavior.

[illi4]

Валера, подтягивать надо всё - грамматику (включая артикли, пунктуацию), лексику, и то, как надо писать эссе. Очень много ошибок и непоняток.

[illi4]

По структуре мне тоже не очень понравилось, в параграфах аргументы не убедительны, например про бедные районы, где люди живут на 1 доллар и соотвественно не могут платить дополнительный налог, но не понятно как это уменьшит рождаемость. Второй параграф вроде как тоже самое, что и в первом бедность и бедность.

Добавлю, что помимо неубедительности всех параграфов, четвертый вообще "не пришей кобыле хвост".

[Валера]

Спасибо, буду работать над этим.

[NortT]

Всем привет, посмотрите пожалуйста.
It is sometimes said that people should be encourage to get married before they are 30, as this is best both for the individuals and for society. Do you agree or disagree?

There are different opinions of whether early marriages are more beneficial than late marriages. Some people argue that it is better to start a family when partners are older than 30. In contrast, this essay will put forward the notion that the individuals as well as society benefit from young spouses. The analysis of psychological and health aspects will prove the above-stated position.

The main merit of early marriages for individuals is that partners could easily adjust their habits to each other because they are quite young. However, if a man and a woman are 30 or even older it is quite difficult to change their behavior. For example, a 23 years old wife and husband who live the next door say that they could abandon their old habits because their mind is malleable due to their age. Hence, early marriages could bring happiness into family life because partners could easily accept new points of view.

Secondly, starting a family in the young age could be beneficial for society. Some scientists say that age under 30 is more suitable for childbirth. People who are younger 30 have greater health than persons who are above 30. As a consequence, young spouses could produce a more robust generation and that could lead to the curtailing of funds for medicine as well as shrink the number of deaths among children. As a result, early marriages could be advantageous to society.

In conclusion, I completely agree that age under 30 is more suitable for individuals as well as for people in general. After analyzing this subject, it has become quite evident that a family that was started by young people could be stronger and their offspring could be healthier.

[Rus_R]

NortT, мне понравилось содержание и идеи. Заметила несколько ошибок

However, if a man and a woman are 30 or even older it is quite difficult to change their behavior
я бы здесь заменила However на While, так как получается, что Вы вводите контрастирующую идею.

23 years old wife - это compound adjective правильно писать 23-year-old wife, на сколько я понимаю, иногда допускается написание без дефиса, но тем не менее year должно быть singular.

People who are younger 30 - просится younger than или before 30
greater health - не нравится, better health

Еще во втором параграфе statement sentence и result sentence одинаковые.

In conclusion, I completely agree that age under 30 is more suitable for individuals as well as for people in general. suitable для чего?

Фразы under 30, before 30 можно иногда заменить на people in their twenties или 20's.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

under 30 / not yet 30 / who have not turned 30 yet.

(younger than 30 - грамматически правильно, но так не говорят. Before 30 - неправильно)
the under 30-year-olds

[Rus_R]

Maimiti_Isabella,

People before their 30s?

так тоже нельзя говорить?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Maimiti_Isabella,

People before their 30s?

так тоже нельзя говорить?

Нет, конечно.

Но можно сказать: I'm going to do something before I turn 30.

Before = preceding some kind of event (turn 30)

[Rus_R]

Maimiti_Isabella, спасибо!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Но, кстати, можно сказать before their thirtieth birthday

[Vanderley]

Еще во втором параграфе statement sentence и result sentence одинаковые.

Это кстати частая проблема когда пишешь по методу Райана/Марии Мирабель. Нужно он этом знать и трениться обходить.

[Rus_R]

Vanderley, я бы во втором параграфе не писала просто утверждение, я причину почему, т.е как это сделано в первом пара. Тогда бы и повторения такого очевидного не было.