My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Maimiti_Isabella

совсем все так плохо?

Нет, не совсем. Но раз вы не занимаетесь, то видимо считаете, что все хорошо?
Все, что не так, выделено красным, без всяких об'яснений и пояснений, только в качестве примера.

First of all, it will helps to solve the crucial issue of the regional unemployment. Certainly, shifting a business towards to countryside will create new work places for local citizens. Secondly, the local level of life becoming higher. In Moscow suburb namely Shodnya, for instance, just after the university was established, the considerable changes were occurred next.

[Aviv]

Добрый день.
Покритикуйте, пожалуйста, эссе. Особенно интересует структура и task response.
Спасибо!

“Prevention is better than cure”. Researching and treating diseases is too costly so it would be better to invest in preventative measures
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Curing diseases is becoming more and more expensive every year, therefore contribution in proactive steps is more reasonable in a long perspective. In my opinion, I totally agree that it is more rational to prevent diseases rather than to cure them.

Every year governments spend huge amount of money to researches, trying to find a way to treat such serious diseases as cancer, diabetes or cardiovascular diseases. At the same time, some of serious health issues could be easily prevented by paying more attention to their causes. For example, unhealthy habits, in particular, smoking cigarettes and consuming alcohol, are very frequent reasons for lungs’ cancer and heart problems. As well as, unhealthy diet can lead to obesity and type two diabetes.

Meanwhile, authorities can take many measures to decrease number of patients and, thus, decrease the budget of the country for medicine. Firstly, awareness of young people about disastrous consequences of unhealthy habits and consumption junk food should be raised. For instance, special lessons could be included in the curriculum at schools. In addition, educational movies and computer games usually have a serious influence on teenagers. Secondly, children should be more involved in sports and exercises. They should get used to live active lifestyle from a very young age. Finally, mass media could be involved to create healthy lifestyle trendy and popular among both children and adults.

In conclusion, many steps can be done to prevent serious health problems in the next generations and these methods are obviously much more effective rather than spending millions dollars to development of medicine.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

У меня появилось немного времени. Могу проверить 2-3 эссе, только через personal messages.

Условия:
1. эссе для IELTS (no TOEFL, PTE or CAE)
2. предпочтения отдается 'старичкам', т.е. тем форумчанам, кот. активны в ветке и помогают другим, пусть даже советами или делятся своим опытом
3. эссе должно 'идти' на оценку 7 or above.
4. Эссе должно быть отослано сегодня или завтра.

[Mrs X]

У меня появилось немного времени. Могу проверить 2-3 эссе, только через personal messages.

Условия:
1. эссе для IELTS (no TOEFL, PTE or CAE)
2. предпочтения отдается 'старичкам', т.е. тем форумчанам, кот. активны в ветке и помогают другим, пусть даже советами или делятся своим опытом
3. эссе должно 'идти' на оценку 7 or above.
4. Эссе должно быть отослано сегодня или завтра.

дак старички уже все отстрелялись поди )))

[Maimiti_Isabella]

дак старички уже все отстрелялись поди )))

You отстрелялись too?

[NortT]

Mrs X, тоже хотел это написать вчера, но потом про вас вспомнил и еще помню marcella, но она куда-то пропала, может отстрелялась

[Maimiti_Isabella]

'Старички' are my priority but if they are not submitting, others are welcome to 'apply'

But the following rule still stands:

3. эссе должно 'идти' на оценку 7 or above

[Avik]

Pokritikuyte pozhaluysta essay. Nuzhno nabrat 6 ballov. Spasibo

A child’s character is greatly influenced by the way in which adults around them behave.
Do you agree?
What other factors influence a child’s character.

The way that grown ups conduct themselves, has a huge impact on children’s personality and parenting. I believe that adults behaviour plays an important role in children's life. In this essay I will try to explain how adults can influence and what other factors affect on the formation of children's traits.

It is commonly known that children are like a sponge. They reflect and fix almost everything that grown ups do or say. Adults often don’t pay attention to the bad words they use. Kids remember the words that adults use everyday and even copying things that adults do. Personal interaction is also an important way how adults influence on kids character. Words can motivate and lead kids on conquering new horizons or they can have destractive effect. it is also vital to mention family costumes and traditions which plays an important role in holding children personality.

There are also other aspects of no less importance that have huge impact on kids parenting. Such things like movies, online gaming, social sites and tv have a tremendous impact on children’s perception. These factors can teach children to good and to bad things as well. The study shows that recent years children become more dependent to this factors rather than to other. The last factor which carries inevitable role is interaction with schoolmates. Schoolmates often can drag children to different activities which can have bad effects. Therefore it is important for parents to have a control of friends that children socialize with.

In conclusion It is obvious that children personality and characters are affected with many different factors either by adults manners or by the environment.

[Mrs X]

You отстрелялись too?

мой последний выстрел в четверг )))

[illi4]

Avik, для 6, может быть и хватит. В целом, замечания следующие:

1. Никаких "I will try to explain". Вас спрашивают - agree or not? Вот и отвечайте на этот вопрос в первом параграфе, и пишите, что в этом эссе Вы будете обосновывать данную позицию.
2. Хоть немного постарайтесь использовать синонимы для children
3. Никаких конкатенации в эссе (don't, it's, ...)
4. Первое предложение в body-параграфах должно быть тезисом. "It is commonly known that children are like a sponge" - это не тезис. Тезис - это, например, "Firstly, parental attitudes affect their children significantly because young boys and girls are extremely perceptive and sensitive". Далее поддерживаете эту идею пояснениями \ примерами. Но вообще, поскольку у Вас на 1 вопрос должен быть 1 параграф в данном случае, то тезис надо написать более общий и раскрыть пару идей.
5. Избегайте слова obvious.
6. В целом, подтягивайте английский, т.к. некоторые фразы и предложения написаны так, что нэйтив может вообще их не понять.

[Avik]

illi4, Spasibo chto udelili vremya i podelilis svoimi sovetami.

1.Toest luchse bilo bi napisat tak? -In this essay I will show how adults can influence...... or I believe that this statement is true and below I will show how the adults can influence? Mozhete vash variant napisat?
2.Ya kak raz i ispolzoval Kids vmesto children.
3. vpolne soglasen s vami i prinimayu dannoe zamechanie bez kommentariev.
4. tozhe soglasen s vami uchtu na budushee i budu tak nachinat.
5.xotelos bi uznat pochemu izbegat etogo slova?
6.privedite primeri pozhaluysta chtobi ya znal nad chem konkretno rabotat.

Spasibo

[Tima1995]

Здравствуйте дорогие друзья! Написал эссе на тему: "Computers have their positive and negative sides. Do you agree or disagree?". Жду советов и критики.. Огромное спасибо всем заранее)

Nowadays, people from all over the world use computers for their own purposes and they cannot imagine studying or working without a workstation or small laptop. However, it is said that any coin has two sides. In this essay, I would like to outline some advantages and disadvantages of using and having a computer.

Firstly, I would like to show an importance of the Internet. As a programmer I can say that it is absolutely positive side. Whatever I want I can find on the web and it makes my job much easier.

Secondly, IT world is developing fast and computers are not staying in their initial conditions. Several years ago, computers opened us new posibilities such as media, working wih texts and programming. After a tiring day you can relax by listening to music or reading a lovely e - book.

In spite of the fact that computers have lots of prons, I want to mention some cons, too. Computers have radiation. Spending a lot of time using computers is harmful for our sight.

There is an another aspect I am very certain about is computer addiction. As we know lots of computer games are sold and used by children and not only them. They waste money playing online games with others during the day. It is proved that many people from different countries have died because of it. Due to shooter games children become rude and cruel and they can commit a crime without understanding the consiquences.

Finally in conclusion, I want to highlight that everything has its own merits and demerits. I go along with the idea that all children must be educated about the rules of using computers on their benefits.

[illi4]

illi4, Spasibo chto udelili vremya i podelilis svoimi sovetami.

1.Toest luchse bilo bi napisat tak? -In this essay I will show how adults can influence...... or I believe that this statement is true and below I will show how the adults can influence? Mozhete vash variant napisat?
2.Ya kak raz i ispolzoval Kids vmesto children.
3. vpolne soglasen s vami i prinimayu dannoe zamechanie bez kommentariev.
4. tozhe soglasen s vami uchtu na budushee i budu tak nachinat.
5.xotelos bi uznat pochemu izbegat etogo slova?
6.privedite primeri pozhaluysta chtobi ya znal nad chem konkretno rabotat.

Spasibo

1. Продолжая Ваше "I believe that adults behaviour plays an important role in children's life.", я бы написал: "This position will be proven by an analysis of блабла (в зависимости от идей). Other nurturing factors will be reviewed as well."
2. Особенно в первом параграфе, ага
5. Let me google it for you. Первая же ссылка в результатах поиска.
6. Над всем. Я серьёзно. Если Вам нужно указать на конкретные проблемы в коллокациях, построении предложений, и грамматике, возьмите одно занятие с профессиональным преподавателем и разберите с ним это эссе.

[illi4]

Tima1995, совет такой - начните с изучения базовых материалов о том, как надо писать эссе (например, с тех, которые выложены у меня на гуглодиске, см. подпись). Это первое, что Вам нужно сделать.

[Tima1995]

Tima1995, совет такой - начните с изучения базовых материалов о том, как надо писать эссе (например, с тех, которые выложены у меня на гуглодиске, см. подпись). Это первое, что Вам нужно сделать.

А сейчас совсем плохо?