My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Nadine_Ch]

Пожалуйста, у кого есть возможность, проверьте эссе, выделите основные ошибки.
Заранее спасибо! В этот раз должно быть лучше.

Nowadays many women are joining the police and military forces. However, some people believe that these jobs are not suitable for women. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

The number of women who join the police and military forces has been rising recently. Although some citizens argue that they do not fit for these positions, I totally disagree with this opinion since I believe that gender is not playing a crucial role here, but the skills that women probably have are essential.

Firstly, there is little room for doubt that women are genetically programmed to be more careful. For example, they are better drivers and can control their anger utterly better in comparison with men. Thus, these traits can improve an ordinary during observation of the streets of streets and, undoubtedly, may diminish the chance of weapon usage at work. In other words, a calm driving will not jeopardize the drivers themselves and clarity mind will not put at risk or endanger life’s of female officers as well as suspects.

Secondly, there are many people in the world who think that possession of strong physical power is not required in nowadays’ military segment. Acute mind is away more important. For example, it is not so rare any more to encounter with a women colonel these days, especially in some training centers. Such traits like perseverance, intelligence and diligence are necessary in order to succeed in this position. Nevertheless, there are a number of courage female officers, who are willing to take participation in different hot points across the globe for the sake of their countries.

In conclusion, one can add that I completely disagree with the notion that police or military forces require rigorous gender separation. In contrast, I think if woman has enough skills and abilities that can help her perform well, then it would be the most appropriate and feasible solution.

Мне кажется, что помимо невыполнения задания : обсудить различные мнения и дать свое (Ваше выглядит, как agree-disagree), сама тема перевернута. Я бы рассмотрела аргументы, подтверждающие и опровергающие, что служба подходит для женщин, а не женщины подходят для службы. По крайней мере, в задании я вижу этот вопрос.

[al.ximik]

Пожалуйста, у кого есть возможность, проверьте эссе, выделите основные ошибки.

Парафрейзинг вопроса не нужен. Второе предложение слишком длинное, используйте ";" или делайте два. Дальше, второй параграф начинается с категоричного высказывания, используйте "generally accepted, tend to be" или еще что-то, что уберет категоричность. Избегайте указателей в начале параграфов. Вообще параграф кажется незаконченным, подвешенным. Но всё это не важно на фоне того, что вы не ответили на вопрос - просили обе стороны проблемы, а у вас только одна. Плюс нет примеров "из личного опыта", а это всегда идет в требованиях к вопросу, хотя бы одно предложение (напишите, например, про сестру, которая служит и уже от этого пляшите свои наблюдения). Заключение короткое. Лучше избегать в эссе параграфов с 2мя предлоениями, могут докопаться. Ну и вообще, если вы пишете что вы "completely disagree", то никакого "by contrast" быть не должно.

Основная проблема - неправильно прочитали вопрос. Ну, есть ошибки в грамматике, но это мелочи на фоне.

Grammar Exercises Отличные упраженения на пунктуацию, кстати, всем советую.

[Svetulchi]

Плюс нет примеров "из личного опыта", а это всегда идет в требованиях к вопросу, хотя бы одно предложение (напишите, например, про сестру, которая служит и уже от этого пляшите свои наблюдения)

Подскажите, неужели всегда примеры из личного опыта? Я вот был уверен что когла пишешь эссе "обсудить 2 мнения и дать свое" примеры в боди должны быть исключительно general "people believe"," parents think", а вот в заключении как раз и давать свое личное мнение?

[al.ximik]

"Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience"
Эта фраза есть всегда, сразу после основных вопросов.

Тут тонкий момент. Не стоит писать целый параграф о том, как вы провели лето. Но упомянуть необходимо. В иделе, как я сказал, в эссе выше, было бы вставить фразу о том, что "Я знаю проблему не понаслышке - моя сестра работает в полиции и часто сталкивается с бла-бла-бла". Где и как вы разместите подобный пример, никому не важно.

[WombatChick]

Моя сестрёнка готовится к письменной части. Я ей посоветовала, что в вопросах agree or disagree, легче всего pick a side. Она хочет сдать на 8. Я исправила её эссе, так как её ответ, по моему мнению, тянет на 6.5/7.

Поскольку я сдавала IELTS довольно давно, хотела бы вас попросить взглянуть на мою версию. Не хочу оказать ей медвежью услугу.

Вот ссылка: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1...it?usp=sharing

[<кирилл>]

Подскажите, неужели всегда примеры из личного опыта? Я вот был уверен что когла пишешь эссе "обсудить 2 мнения и дать свое" примеры в боди должны быть исключительно general "people believe"," parents think", а вот в заключении как раз и давать свое личное мнение?

в принципе всё так.
это недавно уже обсуждалось в этой теме. 5-10 стр назад.

[<кирилл>]

Она хочет сдать на 8.

Если хочет сдать , то пусть записывается к Анастасии либо к Robert or Christopher (не помню кого там Illi4 советует из них)

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Подскажите, неужели всегда примеры из личного опыта?

Kонечно нет. Даже в задании говорится, что это необязательно: relevant examples from your own knowledge ...
Знание (knowledge), может быть например из газет, университета, ОБС или даже из 'some people believe'.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

A чтобы не быть голословной, вот эссе человека, который сдал на 8.5 или 9 - не помню точно. Найдите хоть один пример личного характера:
http://www.gday.ru/forum/ielts/45491...ml#post1171212


Еще один пример: http://ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-an...mes-essay.html

[WombatChick]

Если хочет сдать , то пусть записывается к Анастасии либо к Robert or Christopher (не помню кого там Illi4 советует из них)

Спасибо за ответ, но мой вопрос был немного о другом. Я сама сдала на 9, и хочу понять, насколько правильно я оценила её эссе, и насколько моя версия соответствует восьми баллам.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Спасибо за ответ, но мой вопрос был немного о другом. Я сама сдала на 9, и хочу понять, насколько правильно я оценила её эссе, и насколько моя версия соответствует восьми баллам.

Здесь не так много людей, кот. могут оценить эссе на 8 или 9.

Пусть она пришлет мне свою версию без Ваших исправлений, и я посмотрю (если хочет, конечно). Я буду общаться только напрямую, без 'посредников'.

Сорри, но я не играю в 'испорченный телефон'. Если она не хочет быть на этом форуме, то я дам вам мой емаил, а вы ей передадите тогда.

[Avik]

Po kritituyte pozhaluysta na 6 ballov.

Some people think that e-books are the death of paper books while others think that paper books will never disappear.
Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

There are two opinions whether e-books will cause vanishing of paper books or paper books will stay forever.

In our modern society e-books have gained major popularity among people. There are many different reasons why e-books have become so popular. First of all e-books are light and consume less space. Thus It is possible to carry them in the small bags and read them almost everywhere. Secondly, it is possbile to buy e-books just sitting at home. There are many online shops providing e-books of various genres. Some sites even suggest free download of e-books or some reading content such as guide or reference books. Another profitable reason is book sharing. People can sharing a book while sharing it with their friends simply transfering the file to another device.

However with all above mentioned advantages, there are some benefits that e-books cannot substitute paper ones. Some people are enjoying reading paper books. They like to feel the papers, even the mere fact of leafing the papers gives them a pleasure. Another reason is that some people like to collect books and have a library at their home. They like see the collection visualy and it gives them satisfaction.

In conclusion, I believe that e books are conquering more and more the market however in the coming decades paper books will still be in use.

[Irina_balerina]

Покритикуйте эссе пожалуйста, никак не могу пробить 7ки по writing

A growing number of people feel that animals should not be exploited by people and that they should have the same rights as humans, while others argue that humans must employ animals to satisfy their various needs, including uses for food and research.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Questions related to the exploitation of animals by humankind are frequently discussed nowadays. While some people believe that animals should be treated in the same way as humans, others argue that animals should serve human needs including food and medical researches.

It is a widely known fact that animals have been serving for human needs and desires since anquity. People require the assistance of animals in various kinds of ways. Furthermore, it is believed by some, that animals do not feel pain as humans. And testing new kinds of meds on animals makes them suffer, but it can save thousands of human’s lives in perspective. Apparently, while some people believe that humans are the most important beings on Earth, the exploitation of animals will be reasonable.

Personally i believe, that humankind doesn’t need to use animals anymore in our time by number of reasons. In the past animals were used in the agriculture, but there were no special machines and mechanisms for those purposes. And nowadays technologies has improved dramatically, machines can take all the job. Also a number of scientific research projects have demonstrated that meat production has a huge impact on environment. And if people had not produced so many meat products, we could have not faced with greenhouse effect. Besides that, there is a large assortment of vegan products, which taste great and can fulfill individual’s macronutrients and vitamins needs.

In conclusion, although some people argue killing animals for research and food is ethical, I would argue that nowadays humanity is developed enough to stop exploitation of animals.

[Avik]

Today’s food travels thousands of miles before it reaches customers. Why is this? Is this a positive or negative

Read more: IELTS essay questions: globalisation IELTS essay questions: globalisation
Under Creative Commons License: Attribution Non-Commercial No Derivatives

Nowdays many countries are importing food from oversees. Sometimes food is travelling big distances before it reaches to retailers. In this essay I will show the reasons of this and discuss if this is a negative or positive trend.

There are several reasons why nowdays food is travelling huge distances. One of the reasons is that the production of some types of food is cheaper than in the importer country. For example Greece is a big supplier of fish to many European countries just because the production is cheaper than in northern European countries. Another reason is that some kind of fruits grow only in a few countries only, due to certain climate conditions. It is relevant to say about the Israel and Spain that are a huge exporters of olives and olive oil.


I believe, this is a positive trend both for importing and exporting countries for a few reasons. First of all there are many exoctic fruits which are growing only in tropic countries, like mango, guava, bananas and pineapple. Due to importing exotic fruits, consumers have an opportunity to taste different fruits which are not growing in their country, without need to travel abroad. Another reason is th economic benefits as I mentioned above. Consumers are benefiting buying chepaer food imported from oversees than from the local market.

In conclusion, nowdays food transportaion to long distances has become a popular trend. In my opinion this positive trend is beneficial both for countries economy and for individuals as well.

[Pashich]

Покритикуйте эссе пожалуйста, никак не могу пробить 7ки по writing

A growing number of people feel that animals should not be exploited by people and that they should have the same rights as humans, while others argue that humans must employ animals to satisfy their various needs, including uses for food and research.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Questions related to the exploitation of animals by humankind are frequently discussed nowadays. While some people believe that animals should be treated in the same way as humans, others argue that animals should serve human needs including food and medical researches.

It is a widely known fact that animals have been serving for human needs and desires since anquity. People require the assistance of animals in various kinds of ways. Furthermore, it is believed by some, that animals do not feel pain as humans. And testing new kinds of meds on animals makes them suffer, but it can save thousands of human’s lives in perspective. Apparently, while some people believe that humans are the most important beings on Earth, the exploitation of animals will be reasonable.

Personally i believe, that humankind doesn’t need to use animals anymore in our time by number of reasons. In the past animals were used in the agriculture, but there were no special machines and mechanisms for those purposes. And nowadays technologies has improved dramatically, machines can take all the job. Also a number of scientific research projects have demonstrated that meat production has a huge impact on environment. And if people had not produced so many meat products, we could have not faced with greenhouse effect. Besides that, there is a large assortment of vegan products, which taste great and can fulfill individual’s macronutrients and vitamins needs.

In conclusion, although some people argue killing animals for research and food is ethical, I would argue that nowadays humanity is developed enough to stop exploitation of animals.

На 7-ку вам ещё прилично поработать надо. Пока с And предложения начинать будете, 7-ку не получите.

Coherence&Cohesion у вас очень сильно страдает. 5
С грамматикой проблемы 5-6
Range of vocabulary - 6
Task response низкий, т.к. вы идеи не раскрываете свои.