My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Vanderley]

Yusik, с точки зрения практики вокабуляра по данной теме хорошо, а как IELTS Essay немного похуже. Лично мне было тяжеловато читать из-за навороченности. Также у вас отсутствуют примеры, что также затрудняет понимание.

In our century of globalization, the diversity of languages diminishes at a terrible speed, and every year more than one of them vanish. Some people are not concerned much with this process, believing that the languages of minorities(ммм, я не уверен, что это синоним. белоруский язык, например, это язык меньшинств?) have no practical usefulness(use?) and that world will benefit from having only a few languages for communication. However, I completely/absolutely(радикальные изменения) disagree with this opinion and I am sure that preservation of rare languages is essential for the development of the humankind.

First of all, every tongue is important because it is an accumulated body of knowledge. The language of every nation or tribe reflects their unique pathways of thought and frameworks for thinking and solving problems. Often the words of certain language themselves contain information about the object they denote. Therefore, mastering the language gives access to the knowledge accumulated by the generations of people who lived in certain area and monitored the natural world around them.

Another argument for protecting the linguistic diversity is a crucial importance(я сразу подумал что это масло масляное, но вроде лонгман такое даёт) of each one of them as the bedrock of the identity of the nation(the bedrock of the nation's identity, чтоб не было много of the). The existence of nations as units compounding global society is necessary не нужна запятая because the nation itself is the best guardian of its own cultural legacy. Most of the people who do not have culturology as their profession have very superficial acquaintance with different nations’ culture and only of those nations that are widely represented by global media. Objectively, there is a huge amount of the data in the world; it is full of stories, and no one can keep all the diversity of them in не нужен артикль mind. Therefore, linguistic division is helpful for storing global knowledge separately, as books in different compartments of a library, and taking them out when they can be useful.

In conclusion, I believe that every language existing on (longman говорит что в сочетании on Earth не нужен артикль) Earth is a valuable part of the knowledge store of humankind, and every one of them needs nourishing and protection не нужна запятая because the linguistic diversity is what can provide the dynamic development of science and society.

После проверки у меня также появилась куча вопросов по TA. Например, последнее предложение в заключении вводит новую необсужденную идею, что уголовно наказуемо.

Или мысль о том, что большинство не очень хорошо разбирается в культурах других стран, вброшено и кинута, не развита. Возникает вопрос - и что?

В первом боди параграфе, я бы сильнее акцентировал внимание на важности живого языка, привязал бы его к людям, говорящим на нём. В настоящем варианте я подумал, что всё написанное верно и про латинский, так зачем что-то поддерживать живым.

Во втором боди параграфе нехорошее заключение. Вместо сохранения языков, вы пишете о языковом разделении? И зачем-то метафора с доставанием определённой книги, когда она потребуется.

По поводу TA, мой совем - следите за объёмом(он у вас сильно превышен), пишите примеры. Пишите план, чтобы не отвлекаться в сторону.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Прямо вот сейчас сижу вся такая разодетая и напомаженная и жду эссе. Но никто не присылает! Боитесь?

Не бойтесь, я добрая-добрая! У меня сегодня был очень тяжелый день на работе, и я ищу на ком отыграться

[Yusik]

Vanderley, спасибо за разбор!
Во втором параграфе я пыталась, может не совсем успешно, донести мысль о том, что в мире столько разнообразных культур, что все их знать одному человеку или одной нации невозможно, многие даже со своей культурой знакомы поверхностно. И что если нация перестает существовать, ассимилируясь с другой, доминантной, то ее представители не заботятся о своей культуре, и она забывается. А это плохо тем, что в каждой культуре есть свои традиции, предания, в том числе те, которые невозможно перевести на другой язык без потери части смысла. И эти предания могут нести в себе информацию, которая имеет практическую пользу - знания о природном мире и т.д. причем эта польза этой информации может открыться не сразу. Поэтому выгодно, чтобы люди не сбивались в однородную массу, а делились на национальности и каждая из них отвечала за сохранность своего культурного наследия, т.к. одна нация не сможет отвечать за весь обьем знаний. А язык - это главное, что делает нацию нацией.

То есть, нации людей - это смотрители библиотеки знаний человечества, каждая из которых отвечает за свой раздел.

Уф, даже по русски трудно сформулировать

[Maimiti_Isabella]

По следам только что проверенного эссе.

Господа, пожалуйста, не забывайте, что экзаменаторы - профессиональные ELICOS учителя (по австралийской классификации - в других странах название квалификации может быть другое, но сути не меняет).

Они, конечно, не философы и не историковеды, но у многих по 2 высших и 'надвысших' образования (PostGrad Diploma, Masters, etc).

И многие вполне себе даже образованные люди. С этим надо считаться, когда приводите примеры

[Yusik]

Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes (for example working for a charity, improving the neighbourhood or teaching sports to younger children). To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, some high schools include unpaid community services in their educational programmes. This practice is believed to give benefits to the students and the whole society. I also agree with the importance of community work and I hold the opinion that it helps children and adolescents to obtain useful skills and experience and become the decent members of the society.

First of all, taking part in community service plays the serious role in the moral education of youngsters. By performing such work they realize the importance of each member of the society in maintaining it functional, safe and comfortable. Due to this, they learn to respect the labor, treat public property with care and restrict damaging it. This way, community work helps to raise the responsibility of new generations which leads to more favorable and prospering society.

The second reason why working for community is important for pupils is the great opportunities it gives them for their future career. Young people can try doing different jobs and find out which one suits them better. Moreover, they can mention community service on their resume as a first job experience and increase the chances to find a job. Besides this all, social work helps youngsters to improve their social skills by interacting with different people in various situations and even to find new friends.

To sum up, it is obvious for me that including community service in educational process was a sound idea because it enables children and teenagers to make a career choice and start professional development early; besides that, working for community helps to instill social responsibility in youngsters.

[AndreThird]

Some people who fail in a school end up being highly successful. Why does it happen? What are the main reasons for their success?
It is certainly true that several people who ended a school with bad marks became prosperous in their lives even sometimes more successful than their classmates with good marks. There are some reasons why it is happens. This essay will discuss two main causes of it. We will consider only people who have reached success after bad studying at school.

The main explanation is that there are poor educational programs at schools. Some students have a great creativeness and don`t know where they should direct their skills or abilities. They are sometimes bored and not interested at the lessons because they could know the materials or they want to learn another subject which is not presented in the school program. That`s why they do not try to increase their marks at the school, it does not matter for them.

Another reason of rising after failing in a school end is that some of these people are strong personalities. And in the same time their parents do not know how to communicate with them. They can give an unnecessary advice, order and require something to do while even are not trying to speak with their child on the same language and to find the way of good relationship. Children start to do all things in spite of the parent`s opinion, also they can reduce school performance and miss lessons.

In conclusion, I completely think that if children have a talent or if they are strong personalities, bad marks and fail in a school end will not prevent to reach a success in life. In my opinion school marks mean nothing, it is the way to equalize people who could not be equalized.

[illi4]

IMHO, очень слабенько. Какой band нужен?

Some people who fail in a school end up being highly successful. Why does it happen? What are the main reasons for their success?

It is certainly true that several [? some?] people who ended a school [have graduated from / finished school] with bad [easy english! poor marks, unsatisfactory marks] marks became [have become / are becoming / become] prosperous in their lives [stop, do not continue with runglish] even sometimes more successful than their classmates with good marks [good-good, marks-marks]. There are some reasons why it is happens []. This essay will discuss two main causes of it. We will consider only people who have reached success after bad studying at school [? is this an experiment to consider a sample of people or what? ]

The main explanation [for what?] is that there are poor educational programs at schools [overgeneralisation]. Some students have a [creativeness is uncountable] great creativeness and don`t [do not!] know where they should direct [how they should apply] their skills or abilities [so? what's the point? how is this related to the topic?]. They are sometimes bored and not interested at [in] the [лишнее] lessons because they could know the materials [?] or they want to learn another subject which is not presented in the school program [so? what's the point? how is this related to the topic?]. That`s [that is ] why they do not try to increase [improve] their marks at the [в конкретной школе? адрес подскажите?] school, [runglish] it does not matter for them.

Another reason of rising after failing in a school end is ... [offtopic! the question was: "What are the main reasons for their success?". Deleting everything below]

In conclusion, I completely think [] that if children have a talent or if they are strong personalities, bad marks and fail [failure] in a school end [] will not prevent [who?] to reach a [no a] success in life. In my opinion [,] school marks mean nothing, it is the way to equalize people who could not be equalized [].

[AndreThird]

illi4, достаточно 6. Спасибо за критику, не знал о чем писать и не проверял ошибки после.

[illi4]

illi4, достаточно 6. Спасибо за критику, не знал о чем писать и не проверял ошибки после.

Мне кажется, это тянет на 5-5.5.

Зачем же выкладывать на форум для проверки другим, не проверив ошибки самостоятельно, и не подумав, о чём писать?

[AndreThird]

illi4, так бы не хватило 40 мин. Пытаюсь понять на каком уровне нахожусь, если пишу на время.

[AndreThird]

Выкладываю исправления от "native speaker", если кому интересно

[Yusik]

AndreThird, а по форме и содержанию ваш преподаватель никак не комментирует?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Выкладываю исправления от "native speaker", если кому интересно

Так теперь все понятно: вам исправляют не ошибки, а вам исправляют то, что мешает получить 6, т.е. 'выборочное' исправление.

But for the life of me I can't understand why you would need a native if your target score is just a 6.

[Yusik]

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing number of sport facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

There is an opinion that the best solution for improving people’s health is supplying them with more sport facilities. However, some people are skeptical for this notion, considering this measure as not effective, and that the problem of public health needs more serious solutions. I am optimistic about available for everyone sport facilities to enable people to become more active, and, therefore, more healthy. Nevertheless, I also agree that health protection measures should not end up on this.

Undoubtedly, it is important to have convenient places for making sport in every town, such as sport halls, playgrounds, bike paths, and swimming pools because the absence of them dampen the enthusiasm of most people to make sport on regular basis. When people have the attractively-looking athletic field in the nearest park even those of them who are not inveterate athletes would like to spend some free time making exercises. As a consequence, they become more healthy because even making sport once a week helps to stay fit.

However, providing the possibility for making sport does not supersede other measures which need to be taken to make a nation healthier because the inactive lifestyle is not only one reason for diseases and sport is not a panacea for all of them. Healthy eating habits and sleep hygiene should also be taken into account as a compound of the healthy lifestyle. Besides that, thinking about the health of a nation government should pay attention to a labour safety of the people working under dangerous and harmful production factors, and the healthcare system in a country.

To sum up, I agree that increasing of the number of sport facilities can make a visible difference in changing people’s lifestyle to more active and healthy. However, other measures, such as improving healthcare system and prevention of occupational diseases should also be taken.

[AndreThird]

Yusik, еще не получил замечаний. Занятие будет через несколько часов