My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Завтра - последний шанс проверки перед Easter Weekend.
http://www.gday.ru/forum/ielts/45491...ml#post5054938

[AndreThird]

Прошу оценить эссе

Having more money and less free time is better than earning less money and having more free time. Discuss both views and state your own opinion.
There are different opinions in regard to the question of whether money steals people`s free time, and as a result, their lives. While some people think that spending more and more of their free time at work has had a negative effect for their happiness, others believe that it does not matter and the main goal in life is the acquisition of much more money. The debate over this question seems to consist of two irreconcilable camps. Both sides of the argument will be analyzed before a logical conclusion is drawn and my own perspective is given.

From one point of view, the benefits of having a lot of money in regard to having no time for life are outweighed by a number of significant drawbacks. Firstly, people have less time to live their own lives and give themselves to work. Besides this, when someone spends more time at work, he has simply has less time to spend his money. Moreover, if he has a family and he sits at his workplace all day long, his relationships with relatives reduce and become worse.

From another perspective, people who have more free time can do a lot of things that they want. For example, they can spend their free time for hobby and any other activities they enjoy. Also, having less money in that case is not a problem. Some people do not work at all and have a small business which does not need so much attention, but allows them to earn enough money. In my opinion, it is the best way to find a solution to the dilemma between free time and money.

In conclusion, there are merits to both sides of the argument over whether the advantages of earning more money or having more free time are better. In my opinion, finding a balance between both sides is perfect, especially if your job is your hobby and you have a lot of free time for your family and yourself.

[Yusik]

Besides this, when someone spends more time at work, he has simply has less time to spend his money.

Зачем has два раза, опечатка?

Moreover, if he has a family and he sits at his workplace all day long, his relationships with relatives reduce and become worse.

Некорректно использовать he, лучше he or she.
я не уверена, что глагол reduce применим к relationships.

Some people do not work at all and have a small business which does not need so much attention

Тут нет противоречия? Свое дело - это тоже работа.
do not work at all - это значит сидит на пособии или иждивении.

there are merits to both sides of the argument
merits обычно in
Вообще, звучит, как будто вы о достоинствах людей, которые имеют позицию. Лучше будет in both these styles of life

[Yusik]

Раскритикуйте меня кто-нибудь

Being a celebrity – such as a famous film star or sports personality – brings problems as well as benefits. Do you think that being a celebrity brings more benefits or more problems?

Many people consider the life of celebrities enviable and delightful, and would do everything to become one of them. Meanwhile, others think that inconvenience of being popular prevails over advantages it brings. In my opinion, the answer on the question whether the perks of fame can outweigh the troubles depends on a character of a certain person.

Undoubtedly, life of a celebrity has the tangible benefits which attract people, both material and non-material. Fame almost always brings an increase in income as a result, for example, famous football player has many times bigger royalties than less popular ones playing in the same team. Besides richness, popularity gives an opportunity to meet more interesting people and make more friends. The last but not least, celebrities unlike ordinary people can use their influence for solving world problems, for instance, by persuading people to be careful with the environment or to donate money on the charity.

However, the popularity also has its disadvantages, most serious of which is almost full absence of privacy. Famous people are under media supervision day and night and every step they take becomes known to the public at the same time. It is not uncommon when most bold and annoying of the journalist persuade celebrities and make it physically hard for them to make their usual business, such as walking a dog or going for a walk. For a timid and shy introverted person who treasures their private space more than anything, these reasons are weighty enough to stay in shadow even when popularity chases them.

To sum up, being famous has its advantages, such as a possibility to earn more money or having an influence on public opinion. However, the shortcomings of popularity, most serious of which is breach of privacy should not be underestimated, because for some people they overweight the advantages.

[Yusik]

Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

According to some specialists, learning foreign languages from the beginning of school gives more results than learning them only after entering secondary school. Certainly, early learning of languages has its drawbacks, such as increased course load for children. However, I believe that advantages of early beginning outweigh the disadvantages.

The reason why language study is more effective in early years is the different way of processing information which children have. They learn foreign words by making associations for them, not by memorizing translation as most of adults do. Furthermore, junior schoolchild’s mind is more flexible and adaptable than the mind of grown-ups or teenagers. Young children are able to memorize large amount of knowledge in much shorter time than pupils of secondary school. Therefore, the younger the pupil is the better chances he/she has to learn other languages as good as his or her native one.

However, including foreign language in primary school study course entails increased cognitive load on children and less free time for them. If a child receive more information than he/she can absorb and spend too much time learning it can have negative influence on an immature child mind and health, cause mental disorders and problems with eyes. Considering this, before the introduction of new subjects into curriculum, a thought-out order of the children’s day should be elaborated; it should alternate study hours with physical activity and walking on the fresh air.

In conclusion, I assume that it is a reasonable idea to start teaching children foreign languages because it results in more professional knowledge of other tongues. However, young children have fragile mental and physical health and the study plan should be compiled with care and consideration of their age features.

[NavyGirl]

Всем привет!
Что-то давно никто никого не критиковал Пните, пожалуйста, в нужном направлении. Знаю, что грамматика, в частности артикли, страдает.. а что еще? Балл нужен 7...

The use of mobile phones in public places is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certain places, so mobile phones should be banned in the same way. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is widely recognized that gadgets have become an essential tool of interaction, subsequently vital part of our lives. Some believe that overwhelming appliance of cell phones in civil places should be restricted just like smoking used to be. This essay totally agrees with this idea; the analysis of detrimental effect on social life as well as causing grave consequences by their widespread use will prove above-stated position.

First, it is of a common knowledge that cell phones together with being a communication tool are an immense distractive element. Today it is a trivial thing to meet numerous people talking by phone on the streets, in the shops or even hospitals. The noise it is creating can be easily compared with a work of heavy machinery at a construction venue. Thus, it is generating a massive sound pollution which unable any communication in a surrounding area. Speaking about such places as libraries, hospitals or government buildings it is a serious issue which requires strong measures to be taken.

In addition, the use of phones in public transport or at the sidewalks is often the reason for traffic accidents. For instance, speaking through your phone in the bus is catching driver’s attention, consequently exposing all the passengers to an increased risk of a car accident. Another clear example is that based on the latest police reports, among hit by car victims, 68% have been the one using their phones at the moment of accident. It is quite apparent that concentration on a talk is decreasing our attention as a result makes us more vulnerable to the threats. Hence, it becomes obvious that phones are significantly increasing risk of traffic accidents.

In conclusion, after analyzing aforementioned arguments, I believe that mobile phones should be prohibited on many occasions. Taking steps to enhance culture of use of these gadgets, determining frames and restricting specific places are the key to decline antisocial affect and reduce traffic accidents.

[Pashich]

Всем привет!
Что-то давно никто никого не критиковал Пните, пожалуйста, в нужном направлении. Знаю, что грамматика, в частности артикли, страдает.. а что еще? Балл нужен 7...

На 7-ку вам ещё прилично поработать придется.
Артиклей очень много мимо...
Грамматика сильно страдает. вы везде используете present continious tense - это неправильно.

некоторые предложения составлены коряво, из-за этого сложно читать, можно проще написать их.

Кроме этого, нет четкой структуры topic sentene + explanation + clear example

[Yuriy_Kor]

Maimiti_Isabella, доброго времени суток, Вам!
Просмотрите, пожайлуста описание графика. drive.google.com/file/d/0B2l745YoqIDoa0dDN0gxNDU0LTA/view?usp=sharing
Вижу проблему, что слишком много слов. Какие будут Ваши замечания.
Ответ можно писать [email protected]
Спасибо!

[NavyGirl]

вы везде используете present continious tense

Это Вы gerund & participle называете континьюсом? Ок, спасибо за фидбек в любом случае

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Всем привет!
Что-то давно никто никого не критиковал Пните, пожалуйста, в нужном направлении. Знаю, что грамматика, в частности артикли, страдает.. а что еще? Балл нужен 7...

The use of mobile phones in public places is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certain places, so mobile phones should be banned in the same way. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is widely recognized that gadgets have become an essential tool of interaction, subsequently vital part of our lives. Some believe that overwhelming appliance of cell phones in civil places should be restricted just like smoking used to be. This essay totally agrees with this idea; the analysis of detrimental effect on social life as well as causing grave consequences by their widespread use will prove above-stated position.

First, it is of a common knowledge that cell phones together with being a communication tool are an immense distractive element. Today it is a trivial thing to meet numerous people talking by phone on the streets, in the shops or even hospitals.
.

Меня вот интересует, если вам так не нравится BrE, что вы даже задание 'исправляете', то может стоит TOEFL рассмотреть как альтернативу?

Я комментировать не буду, до 7-ки вам не очень далеко, но есть очень серьезные проблемы. Сколько у вас займет времени на их 'исправление', не знает никто, но подозреваю, что это дело долгое в вашем случае. Среди проблем - неправильное употребление слов.

[Yusik]

Всем привет!

First, it is of a common knowledge

It is a common knowledge...

The noise it is creating can be easily compared with a work of heavy machinery at a construction venue. Thus, it is generating

creates ... generates
Это то, про что вам писали про present continious tense

И еще: Hence, it becomes obvious that phones are significantly increasing risk of traffic accidents.
Может, теоретически правильно, но лучше будет звучать phones significantly increase the risk of the traffic accidents.

Насчет таск респонс, вы пишете, что одна из главных проблем это шум, но если бы не было телефонов, люди бы так же болтали друг с другом в автобусах и больницах... Хотя, формально это тоже причина, вряд ли кто-то станет придираться.

[Yusik]

Меня вот интересует, если вам так не нравится BrE, что вы даже задание 'исправляете', то может стоит TOEFL рассмотреть как альтернативу?

А это настолько серьезный грех, использовать AmE в IELTS?
Обычно люди IELTS сдают не от хорошей жизни просто выбора нет. TOEFL на компьютере гораздо проще написать.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

А это настолько серьезный грех, использовать AmE в IELTS?
Обычно люди IELTS сдают не от хорошей жизни просто выбора нет. TOEFL на компьютере гораздо проще написать.

Koнечно, не грех. Это международный экзамен, и он признает разные варианты английского. Считается, что лучше придерживаться только одного какого-либо варианта, т.е. не мешать разные в одном эссе, но есть страны (например, Malaysia), где они уже изначально перемешаны.

ПС Интересно, какая организация не признает TOEFL?

[Yusik]

ПС Интересно, какая организация не признает TOEFL?

Иммиграционная служба Канады, например. Они входят в Британское содружество. Австралия принимает TOEFL для целей иммиргации?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Иммиграционная служба Канады, например. Они входят в Британское содружество. Австралия принимает TOEFL для целей иммиргации?

Да, Австралия принимает и TOEIC, и PTE, и Cambridge.

Но не все подтверждающие организации принимают все из них. Например, Инженеры только IELTS and TOEIC.