My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Alexander Usov]

Inspite of the fact that it was to Lavreniy, let me drop a remark.
As far as I know, advice is uncountable noun. We were studied to use " pieses of advice" in this case. For instance,you gave me many pieces of advice.
Whether is it possible to use 'advices' here?
It just grates upon my ears.
But I've found a lot of "advices" in Google. So. I'm counfused.

Thank you that you have mentioned about this word. I forget about it .

[Alexander Usov]

My essay. I would appreciate it if you could give some ideas about this topic.

In some countries children have very strict rules of behavior, in other countries they are allowed to do almost anything they want. To what extent should children have to follow rules?

I think that the question whether parents should impose strict rules of behavior on their children or allow to do them what they want is rather controversial, challenging and open for debate. Some people believe that strict upbringing of children is the most beneficial. However other men and women suppose that children should have more individual freedom. In this essay I will analyze these points of view and present my opinion in favor of people who are inclined to believe that intermediate position can be taken.

On the one hand, many parents claim that tough rules in children’s upbringing give the best results. The most obvious advantage of it is the fact that pre-school children cannot make decision themselves. Take for example the situation when parents prohibit their children from using a computer and the internet. It is obvious that the parents should restrict the children from adult contents of Web pages. Another very important aspect of it is the fact that children have to be responsible and respect adults. There is no doubt that a father and a mother should control their daughters and sons and teach them good behavior. Thus it is clear why many gravitate to this point of view.

On the other hand, many parents believe that children should not be imposed strict rules of behavior. First of all, I would like to say that it is very important that children are able to make decision. I have recently read an article in a magazine about children’s growing up. According to recent statistic report more than fifty percent of teenagers don’t know what they will do after finishing school. After analyzing these facts it is clear why many parents support this opinion.

Taking into account everything mentioned above I am firmly believe that combination of certain degree of individual freedom with defined rules of behavior will give the best results. I will be on the safe side if I say that if children respect parents as well as other adults they will succeed in their coming future life.

[micle]

Check my letter, please.
Topic:
You see an advertisement in the local newspaper that a restaurant wants someone to be a part-time waiter or waitress in the evening. Write a letter to the manager. In your letter, you should write why you are writing, why you are suitable for the job and why you need the job.

Letter:
Dear manager,
Recently, I have read our local newspaper “Melbourne’s news” and I have interested in your advertisement about the position of waiter (waitress) in your restaurant.
Last year I finished courses of waiters and waitresses, furthermore I have got some experience as a waiter because I have worked for a year in Chinese restaurant in this position (moreover I have a recommendation from the manager of this restaurant).
This year I started my university full-time education. But nowadays education is enough expensive, so I should work in order to pay for my education. Despite my studying I won’t late to my job and pass my work hours because my study finishes approximately at 4 p.m. so in the evening I have a lot of free time.
I shall be very grateful if you tell me by phone whether suit my candidacy for this vacancy, my phone number is: (+1234) 56-78-90.
Yours faithfully,
Michael
_
155 words

[micle]

Check my essay, please.
Topic:
More and more women go out to work. Is it the government’s responsibility to subsidize them and provide free staff and facilities to care for their children? To what extent do you agree or disagree to this idea?

Essay:
Nowadays, more and more women go out to work and it is no longer clear who has the responsibility to subsidize them and provide free staff and facilities to care for their children. There are two mail choices: the government or themselves.
Firstly, I think that government should subsidize women, who go out to work, and help them in upbringing their children, because these women pay taxes, hereby it is government responsibility to care about the citizens. Prove that I have read about this problem in the USA. Although there are high taxes in the U.S. but government cares of all citizens, and helps to bring up children whose mothers have jobs.
Secondly, however I consider that sometimes families ought to care about their children independently, because government has a lot of more important interiors and world affairs such as help to homeless and starving citizens or help to poor countries. For evidence, I have watched a TV-program about Indians. There are a lot of homeless and starving citizens in India because of no jobs. Therefore, in my opinion it will be more humanely for neighbouring rich countries’ governments to help very poor countries (for instance periodically to supply food) than to spend a lot of money for children care, whose parents can provide it themselves.
To conclude, it is clear that neither of these solutions is good. Therefore, it seems to me that a mixture of the two is the best solution. The government should provide money to families in which women go out to work and provide free facilities to care for their children, however I also think that if in a family both parents have job and the family doesn’t live in poverty then parents ought to pay for their children care by themselves.
_
297 words.

[dazik]

You can't use 'study' in the Passive form. It has to be 'we were told' or 'we were taught'. 'Study' and 'learn' are used in Active forms.

Thank you for your correction. You are quite right, as usual.

[Jannaiska]

Проверьте пожалуйста эссе!



Billions of dollars go into space exploration projects every year. Some people feel that that this money should be 17 00
used to solve problems on Earth. Discuss reasons supporting both opinions. State and support your opinion.


Space exploration has advanced a lot through the last years. Some countries spend millions
of dollars for exploration of other planets. Do these projects worth these billions?
There are a lot of controversy surrounding this issue. A lot of problems on Earth are needed to be solved. These problems are more significant than space exploration. Therefore, people have to use their money on Earth problems solving instead of any space exploration projects.

Why do people send their artificial satellites into space? Why do they want to know more about other planets? Eventually, why do they spend a big amount of money? First, we are very curious. We have great desire to explore everything around us. For example, children from their first steps wish to know many things. What is sun, moon, comets, sky. Rising we become more curious. Our desire to know more makes us send ships into space.
Second, there is a competition between countries caused by their huge ambitions. Some countries feel themselves superior by being first on the moon's surface. Their desire to be more significant makes them spend their money.
Do people worry how to solve problems on Earth? Is it right that they spend too much money for that space projects? There are many open issues on our planet which are more important. In many countries people suffer from poverty, narcotic, AIDS and cancer. Millions orphans every day struggle for their survival. They only can think of finding food and spending night. Besides that, many teenagers addicted to drugs need special treatment. There are a lot of HIV-infected adults and children who do not have money to buy drugs for their treatment.
In my opinion, we do not need to use too much money on space exploration. More important to provide safe future for people. For example, we could build orphanages and make orphan’s life easier. Also we could spend money to provide AIDS victims with necessary treatment. Besides that we could prevent air and water pollution on Earth.
In conclusion, I think that ambitions is the main reason why countries spend billions to send their ships into space. People are not concerned of problems on Earth. We will make our lives happier and provide safety for our generation if we find ways to solve problems on our planet.

[Deniszb]

Could at least somebody share his/her opinion regarding my essay, please?


Creative artists should be given freedom to express their ideas (words, pictures, music and films). However some people think government should take some restriction with them. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? Give your reasons with own knowledge and give examples.


Free speech is believed to be one of the significant achievements of the modern society. Ability of expressing their intentions and dreams provides each member of the society with feeling proud of their lifestyle and contribute the civilization’s culture with new ideas and leaves a trace in history. However in some cases final product (a movie, a picture or a music composition) can be malign, i.e. incite crowd to hatred, or be offensive for some communities. So all controversial cases should be properly considered by an independent group of experts, in order to prevent unrests which might be caused, like it was in the case with depicted Mohammed prophet in Danish newspapers.


A feeling that a simple man/woman can change the world simply by power of art is the distinguishing feature of a developed post-industrial society. History of mankind definitely proves that as more serious oppression is applied the more sparked tension is got. Plus cultural benefit is out of the question.


However some basic society values should be secured and defended in order to make development of the corresponding country more sustainable. So that’s why there must be a kind of state running control over the output of the local creators. The reasons for restricting or even banning a non-benign product can be following: indecent content (violence, pornography) propaganda of forbidden ideas (Nazism and so on).
From my point of view “free speech” is a primary pillar of a modern style of life, but all should be in moderation. So ability of expressing should neither be banned or sacrificed for the sake of the ruling minority, but just be impartially checked for toeing the line, i.e. only one rule ought to be applied – the product of art shouldn’t break general rules, and access to some ‘naughty’ content should be restricted.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Если Ваша цель - овладеть Chinglish, то продолжайте использовать китайские сайты. Если же Вы хотите видеть примеры английского языка, то тогда надо изучaть именно английский. И брать примеры с англоязычных сайтов.

should be given freedom

the freedom

However some people think government should take some restriction with them.

However, (the comma here is compulsory!) some people think governments should impose/introduce restrictions on / should restrict/ control/supervise what they do.

Ноте: 'take restrictions' is not English!

Give your reasons with own knowledge

здесь требуется картинка гордо развивающего флага КНДР

[Deniszb]

Maimiti_Isabella большое спасибо за комментарии,

Мне моё эссе казалось достаточно непредвзятым с первого взгляда.
Может есть ещё какие-нибудь советы для начинающего, для меня каждое сторонее мнение на счёту.
Спасибо.

[micle]

Maimiti_Isabella большое спасибо за комментарии,

Мне моё эссе казалось достаточно непредвзятым с первого взгляда.
Может есть ещё какие-нибудь советы для начинающего, для меня каждое сторонее мнение на счёту.
Спасибо.

Мне кажется у Вас хромает структура, т.е. в эссе должно быть как минимум (вкратце):
1. Вступление;
2. Точки зрения и факты из Вашей жизни, подтверждения;
3. Концовка.
У Вас же как то все перемешано. В любой литературе описывающей этот модуль IELTS-а это подробно описано, дерзайте

[Grifffin]

Check my essay, please.
Topic:
More and more women go out to work. Is it the government’s responsibility to subsidize them and provide free staff and facilities to care for their children? To what extent do you agree or disagree to this idea?

Essay:
Nowadays, more and more women go out to work and it is no longer clear who has the responsibility to subsidize them and provide free staff and facilities to care for their children. There are two mail choices: the government or themselves.

Вот про это все и говорят когда имеют в виду не повторять слова из задания. Т.е. первый абзац не засчитают т.к. он слово в слово повторяет задание (даже нет попытки как-либо перефразировать)

Firstly, I think that it would be better for government to maintain working women and support them in hard process of children’s upbringing because these women pay taxes. Therefore, it is a government responsibility to care about the citizens. I have read about this problem in the USA. There are high taxes in the USA but the government cares of all citizens. That is more there are additional aids to working women with children.

Secondly, I consider that sometimes families ought to care about their children by themselves. Government has a lot of more important inner and international affairs such as help to homeless and starving citizens or help to poor countries. For example, I have watched a TV-program about Indians. There are a lot of homeless and starving citizens in India because there is a lack of jobs in the area . Therefore, it will be more honestly for rich countries to help their poor ‘neighbors’ instead of additional social payments.

To conclude, it is clear that neither of these solutions is good. It seems to me that their combination would be the best solution. The government should provide money to families in which women go out to work and provide free facilities to care for their children. However, if both of parents are working they will able to care about their children without additional social aid.

1. ОЧЕНЬ много слов использованы в неправильном значении (нужно учиться пользоваться словарем)
2. Слишком много вводных слов. Конструкции типа:

Secondly, however
Therefore, in my opinion
Therefore, it seems to me

Избыточны.
3. Рунглиш и сложные, запутанные предложения. Лучше разбивать на простые предложения и писать согласно английской грамматики а не русской(т.е. подлежащее + сказуемое + все остальное)

[micle]

Спасибо за критику, проанализировал все замечания

Один момент:

Therefore, it seems to me
Избыточны.

Я эту фразу целиком взял с примера написания эссэ на Кембриджском сайте:
https://www.teachers.cambridgeesol.o...71&itemId=2331

[Innaveda]

Покритикуйте пожалуйста. Понимаю что уровень еще не очень высокий и старалась писать без словаря, за исключением одного слова)), но все же.
Write about the following topic:
In many countries people no longer wear their national costumes. They are forgetting their history and traditions. More people should be encouraged to wear their national costumes every day.
Do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays almost in every modern country noone wear their national costumer. And most of them are forgetting their history and traditions. I think everyone have to know his history because it is our granparents and it is their life. It would be unnessesary to live if your offspings don't know anything about you.
I have a blouse which my grandmother made herself and this thing is very important for me. When I sow it I had knew a lot of about she and her life. Such old thing really say us about our history.
On my opinion this old and traditional things we could use in our todays life because they are like a chain with our past. That things were very comfortable and natural, they had a warm of our parents and grandparents so they give us more love and good memories.
For example, ther are many modernized national costumes in our country and it is very popular to have an embroidered shirt which you can wearing in everydays life.
Underlining all writtening upper, I want to say it is good adn useful to have national costumers and therefore don't forget your history and traditionals.

[Crazyghs]

Отшлифовываю варианты Conclusion... Пожалуйста посмотрите все ли с такой заготовкой к концовке в порядке? тавталогий нет? Запятые на месте?

...
On the whole, it would seem that an intermediate position can be taken. However, taking into account everything mentioned above, I am inclined to believe that ...

Спасибо!

[Grifffin]

Спасибо за критику, проанализировал все замечания

Один момент:

Я эту фразу целиком взял с примера написания эссэ на Кембриджском сайте:
https://www.teachers.cambridgeesol.o...71&itemId=2331

Может с этой фразой я и погорячился но первые две точно избыточные.