My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Hello All,

More and more people using mobile phone and computer to instead of letters. Will letters disappear completely? Agree or disagree? How important of letter writing you think are?.

the person who wrote this wouldn't get more than 5. And this task has nothing to do with IELTS.

There's a BIG difference between English and Chinglish.

[Balamut5]

Hello All,

Could you please estimate which band I might expect with the following attempt?

More and more people using mobile phone and computer to instead of letters. Will letters disappear completely? Agree or disagree? How important of letter writing you think are?

Yeah, I would agree - band score 5 max. Lots of words are used incorrectly, poor grammar. Some words obviously came from dictionary rather than active vocabulary, and since you are not allowed to use dictionary during the exam, it's unlikely such words will pop up in your mind.

Really, taking an exam is a stressful thing, so believe me you won't be able to mull over a particular phrase or try to put a sophisticated word or strong collocation.. forget it! whatever is in your brain will be used, nothing more.
So, when you practice essay writing just put your dictionary aside and don't even look at it. Use what you know for sure. Okay, maybe the eventual work will be full of simple and banal sentences but
1) you will be sure that everything is correct
2) you don't make that many mistakes
3) your writing will sound like English really

BTW, where did you get the topic with so many mistakes in it?

[Balamut5]

No dictionary, no spelling correction, as we agreed writing time is 34 min.

2.Some people say that children should be disciplined in their early age, and punishment should be used. To some extent do you agree? What kind of punishment can be used by teachers and parents?

Okay, as I promised the second part of my comments.

Honestly, I had some challenges with readability of your essay, in particular the way it is structured.
The topic is clear and asks you to contemplate on statement that children should be disciplined and punished in their early age, as well as provide your vision on punishment that can be used by people.

The beginning was good, you gave general statement that children is our future. Then, you claimed that they have need structure and disciple since early age.
The second paragraph claims that discipline is exactly what children need and good discipline will work the best for them when they’ll start in kindergarten and schools. Then you provide an example about Chinese people and their approach to young children upbringing, finishing with again discipline, this time strict discipline and followed punishment, which is, as I understood from your essay, is a bad thing, since children don’t actually get what’s wrong with their parents. And later, you continue with corporal punishment, as though it’s the only way to punish a kid.

Well, this is a bit of controversy. It seems you separate discipline and punishment, whereas topic keeps these notions together, though it speaks about being disciplined.

Maybe, it would have been better to stick to structure, providing structure, demanding to follow the rules, etc. as a good approach to upbringing and show it as your suggestion. Otherwise, you might have drawn the line between discipline and punishment. For instance,

“I would support the approach exercised by many people when children are disciplined and punished for their misdoings as long as children understand the concept of discipline, in other words ‘rules of the game’, and punishment commensurate with offence. Moreover, I believe that corporal punishment should never be used against children as I think it never helps establish good relationships between parties.”

To sum up, I felt a bit lost with words ‘discipline’ and ‘punishment’ and what connotation you implied in different parts of essay. Plus, the chosen structure of essay didn’t help understand it either.

All in all, it’s my opinion and it would be nice to hear what other people think. Since your English is very good, it makes sense to concentrate on the way how you write, logic, and structure, as it's important to be able to convey your thoughts effectively.

[Balamut5]

‘.. need a structure..’, it’s hard to understand; would be better to change to ‘need a daily routine’, or ‘.. need an order in the life..’, or ‘.. need to be disciplined within educational framework’ Anyway, you can’t just leave the word ‘a structure’ without any supporting words.

Actually, this collocation ("structure and discipline") just stuck into my memory since I watched the "American Beauty" movie So, I assumed that it can be used separate.

'Structure' can be used in such a meaning, though it's not its primarily use. Maybe, it can be used in a well-structured context. For instance,

I believe children should be raised in the environment of structure and discipline, when rules of proper behaviour are set up and appropriate consequences of their breach are agreed between parents or teachers on the one side and children on the other.

Well, English is a laguage which calls for more words to explain a thought.

‘.. this age..’, you haven’t specified what the age is, so we go for ‘..that age’.

I tended to put "adolescence age" there. Would it have been correct?

The context was: "For instance, in China people let their kids do whatever they want, behave any way they like till the certain age. When the children reach this age, parents start to discipline them strictly."

That's why I said that it wouldn't be okay to say 'this age', as you didn't specify it, and it would be okay to go for 'that age' or 'the age'.
For instance, '... behave any way they like till age of five. When children reach this age, ....'

You can use 'adolescence' without word 'age', though I think it's a bit out of context, as adolescent age starts after 10 yo for sure (it's between puberty and maturity, so 11 for girls and 13 for boys depending how fast they develop .

[Maimiti_Isabella]

So, when you practice essay writing just put your dictionary aside and don't even look at it. Use what you know for sure. Okay, maybe the eventual work will be full of simple and banal sentences but
1) you will be sure that everything is correct
2) you don't make that many mistakes
3) your writing will sound like English really

I don't agree with the most. Sorry. Dictionaries are very good when just practising. However, you have to be very selective with the dictionary you are using and how much you rely on it, i.e. to what extent you are prepared to interpet the meaning.

1 and 2. Sometimes you are given a lower score for an essay with 'no mistakes' than for an essay with quite a few mistakes. It will depend on the stage of your language development and your ability to use the language. So quite often 'being on the safe side' doesn't pay off at all.

[Balamut5]

I don't agree with the most. Sorry. Dictionaries are very good when just practising. However, you have to be very selective with the dictionary you are using and how much you rely on it, i.e. to what extent you are prepared to interpet the meaning.

Agree. I found that many tend to take English words as a result of direct translation from Russian into English. Sometimes, it could be helpful to do a cross check of picked English word.
The advice of my tutor was to limit the use of dictionary and I still support her. Dictionary is very good when studying English, reading text and books.

1 and 2. Sometimes you are given a lower score for an essay with 'no mistakes' than for an essay with quite a few mistakes. It will depend on the stage of your language development and your ability to use the language. So quite often 'being on the safe side' doesn't pay off at all.

Well, I can't comment on this. My approach has always been as follows: if I don't know how to translate a particularly nice phrase from Russian into English, I paraphrase. It helps avoid wrong translations and misunderstandings.

[Deniszb]

Yeah, I would agree - band score 5 max. Lots of words are used incorrectly, poor grammar. Some words obviously came from dictionary rather than active vocabulary, and since you are not allowed to use dictionary during the exam, it's unlikely such words will pop up in your mind.

Well I do appreciate your opinion and especially wise advises you have given. My humble person was provided with that topic on behalf of a student who had taken IELTS examination some weeks before so I did dare to change it. Merely the essay following such controversial topic is by 100% product of my wrecked by Chinese propaganda brain - I only managed to slightly amend it (fix obvious grammar mistakes and mistypings) before posting it into this thread which seems to be good for nothing.

[Balamut5]

Well I do appreciate your opinion and especially wise advises you have given. My humble person was provided with that topic on behalf of a student who had taken IELTS examination some weeks before so I did dare to change it. Merely the essay following such controversial topic is by 100% product of my wrecked by Chinese propaganda brain - I only managed to slightly amend it (fix obvious grammar mistakes and mistypings) before posting it into this thread which seems to be good for nothing.

Hey, mate! No offence I couldn't get what you meant here.
So, correct me if I'm wrong, you got the essay (topic and text itself) from your friend, changed it as you thought would be right and posted it here to get some feedback. Right?
I don't understand what was the whole point but would be cool to see your writing some day. Just pick up some theme from the ones used here and scribble your one masterpiece and give it to us old wolves to tear apart
See ya, mate

[I_am_Unicorn]

Great thanks for such useful comments!!!
I have really considered discipline and punishment as two separate things to write about. I didn't get from the assignment that they go almost as one.

I used to adjust the contents of an essay to the linking words that first come to my mind, this time it was the "on the one hand/on the other hand" module.
Now I am going to try to switch to logic and structure of my essay as far as my language is already polished enough for band 7 (..at least I guess so).

I guess I would post the next one today.
I don't even know how am I going to pay you back

[I_am_Unicorn]

Ok, here's my next masterpiece

Financial education should be mandatory component of the school program. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

The modern materialistic world becomes more and more demanding to us in terms of money management. Even half a century ago people began to deal with money much later than they do now. This is the reason why financial disciplines should be introduced in mandatory school program.
Some people might argue that financial awareness may come in handy to any member of our society. They tend to say that the given field of knowledge is specific and can be useful for the limited number of professions only, such as an accountant, an economist, an auditor, a bank clerk, etc. Another may appeal to the tightness of the existing school program and claim the financial disciplines to be an unnesessary additional pressure for pupils. I completely disagree with that point. The reasons for that will be unrevealed in the next paragraph.
There is a proverb that says: "Money likes to be counted". And it is applicable to any amount of money. For instance, when parents decide that it is time for their kid to have his own money, it is good for him to know how to operate it smart. Whether save it for his desirable Ninentendo or to waste the whole sum for chocolates. When a child knows the basics of finance, his attitude to money becomes more practical. This provides a young person with valuable advantages for future family budget management, when he or she would have to keep track of costs and revenues counted in much bigger figures. As for tightness of school discipline schedule, one can note that there is a number of optional dicsiplines that can be reduced in favour of one or two financial ones.
So, I can only conclude that early financial education can be extremely helpful for the school graduates, who are going to start their mature life. The life full of challenges and tricks in making and spending money.

[Balamut5]

Financial education should be mandatory component of the school program. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

The modern materialistic world becomes more and more demanding to us in terms of money management.
Use of English: present simple doesn’t go here, as well as ‘..demanding to us in terms..’ poorly affects readability. Options – to move to present perfect or move into present continuos.

The modern materialistic world is demanding proper money management from us.
The modern materialistic world has become more demanding in regards to proper money management.
Or… It is hard to imagine a successful life in the modern materialistic world without good skills in money management.

Even half a century ago people began to deal with money much later than they do now.
Readability: the sentence is hard to understand… it took me some time to get what you wanted to say.
Would be better to say ‘..people used to start dealing with..’, so ‘Even half a century ago people used to start dealing with money much later in their life than they do it now’.

This is the reason why financial disciplines should be introduced in mandatory school programs.
Some people might argue that financial awareness may come in handy to any member of our society.
---
- it would be better to use the word ‘subjects’ instead of ‘disciplines’.
-I could be wrong but it would be better to say ‘.. be introduced to mandatory school programs’.
-The second sentence is hard to read. ‘..might argue… may come..’ plus it’s poorly connected with previous and next sentences, for instance ‘Still, some people would argue with that and claim that financial disciplines have got nothing to do with school students.’

They tend to say that the given field of knowledge is specific and can be useful for the limited number of professions only, such as an accountants, an economists, an auditors, a bank clerks, etc. Another Moreover they may appeal to the tightness of the existing school programs and claim that such the financial disciplines would to be an unnecessary additional pressure for students pupils. I completely disagree with that point. The reasons for that will be unrevealed in the next paragraph.
---
- Do they tend to say or say? Wouldn’t it be better to use words ‘claim’, ‘argue’, etc.?
- ‘.. the given field of knowledge..’, - sounds terrible
- a limited number of professions such as accountants, economists, etc… or .. for a limited number of professionals.. such as accountants, economists, etc..
- ..Another.., - strange word here; option – In addition, Moreover, etc.
- school student; pupils are rarely used
- the connection between two last sentences is not nice… ‘I completely disagree with that point and will illustrate / defend / present my position in the next paragraph.’
---

There is a proverb that says: "Money likes to be counted". And it is applicable to any amount of money.
---
- the reader may not be accustomed with Russian proverbs, so it’s better to a) identify that it is a Russian proverb and b) explain what it means. Besides, the second sentence is out of nowhere. J For instance, There is an old Russian proverb that says: ‘Money likes to be counted’. It means that the one should always be mindful about expenses and foresee the future developments that may affect their cash flow.
---

For instance, when parents decide that it is a time for their kid to have histheir own money, it is good for himthem to know how to operate it smart.
- a bit clumsy connection between two sub-sentences. .. when parents decide…, it is good for them…, - I’ve got the impression that you still talk about parents J Try this way: ‘For instance, when parents decide that it is a time for their kid to have their own money, would not it be wonderful if the kid knew how to manage it in a smart way?’

Whether to save it for histhe desirable Ninentendo or to waste the whole sum for chocolates.
-it’s a hanging question.. you can’t leave it as it is. For instance, ‘Should they spend it on the desirable game toy or waste the whole sum on chocolates? What would be the correct thing to do for the kid?’.
-Secondly, if you don’t know how to spell Nintendo, then just say ‘game toy’, ‘toy’, ‘computer game’, etc.

When a child knows the basics of finance, histheir attitude to money becomes more practical.
-you could’ve continued the play started in the previous sentences and use conditionals.. or separate previous examples from the general discussion that follows by providing an additional sentence about something.
-a child…, their…; for instance, ‘somebody broke into my house yesterday and they threatened me. I think it was a man’. J

This provides a young person with valuable advantages for future family budget management, when theyhe or she would have to keep a track of costs and revenues counted in much bigger figures. As for the tightness of school discipline schedules, one can note that there is a number of optional disciplines that cancould be reduced in favour of one or two financial ones.
- ‘..costs and revenues..’, more general profit and lost, also as P/L in business.

So, I can only conclude that early financial education can be extremely helpful for the school graduates, who are aboutgoing to start their mature life. The life is full of challenges and tricks inof making and spending money.
The last sentence is hanging, it doesn’t have a proper verb (predicative). Besides, it’s about nothing and it’s not connected with previous sentences and essay in general. J

I have no questions to essay structure. It is good.
There is small number of grammar mistakes.

The biggest concern is the use of English, ie. sentences construction, readability, and how you convey your thoughts.

It is really important to write in a way when every sentence is connected with previous ones and next ones, and is valid for the paragraph and essay topic. Please, don't waste your time on too general sentences as they don't make much sense.

In your essay, you have the following sentences that are not linked to anything:

There is a proverb that says... And it is applicable to any amount of money.
The life full of challenges and tricks...

The following parts are poorly linked (affect readability):
1) all the cases above
2) '.. to waste the whole sum on chocolates. When a child..'
3) '..counted in much bigger figures. As for tightness of...'

logic / narration / clumsy sentences:
1) all the cases above
2) .. becomes more and more demanding to us in terms
3) .. people began to deal with money..
4) .. financial awareness may come in handy to any memeber..
5) .. bank clerks, etc. Another may appeal... -> the word 'Another'
6) the word unreveald... reveal should've been used.
7) .. to know how to operate it smart.
.. and revenues counted in much bigger figures.

[I_am_Unicorn]

Thank you for your time again!

I just don't get it:

Try this way: ‘For instance, when parents decide that it is a time for their kid to have their own money, would not it be wonderful if the kid knew how to manage it in a smart way?’

Why "kid" and "child" is followed by "they"? Why not "kids" and "children" then?

[Balamut5]

I just don't get it:

Try this way: ‘For instance, when parents decide that it is a time for their kid to have their own money, would not it be wonderful if the kid knew how to manage it in a smart way?’ Why "kid" and "child" is followed by "they"?

Why not "kids" and "children" then?

It is a general rule nowadays. In the sentence, '... for their kid to have... money...', you cannot put 'his money' or 'her money' because we don't know what is the sex of the kid. So, if you go as 'his money', it will be a discrimination against women. This is why we need to say 'their'.
Also, you can go for children or kids but then you need to paraphrase as '..for their children to have their own money..'

I can't draw a particular English grammar rule to explain it and got the explanation from my tutor a couple of years ago. I understand it sounds funny when you translate it back into Russian as we don't speak like this. Instead, we have more clear gender rules in Russian and normally we don't have similar sentences when it's not clear what is the sex of the person we talk about.

[Aleks]

Проверьте пожалуйста мой следующий Опус.

Some people believe that children's leisure activities must be educational, otherwise they are a complete waste of time. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your experience.

Education system has been increasingly developed throughout the world. Children have less time for physical activities and more for educational. It is disagreed that for children will be enough only educational training. This will be proven by analyzing how physical activities will help children with their education and health.

Looking first at an education system. Year by year we see how much more subjects which have connection to computers could be learnt by children and less subjects which have connection to the physical training. By scientists proved that after each hour in front of the computers children have to make for 5-10 minutes physical exercises. The same was with my experience 20 years ago, when my mother always explained me how important is physical activities after an hour behind a table. This example clearly shows us how important is close connection between physical and educational activities. Therefore, it can be concluded that also parents have to care about physical activities of their offspring.

Secondly, we will have a close look to a correlation between children's health problem and more schooling. Statistics explain us that more and more children have problem with their spines. It is a fact that the main reason of the children’s spine problem is a spending a lot of hours behind the desks. No doubt that more physical activities children have than healthier they are.

Following the analysis of the different kinds of activities, it is clear that for children it is unhealthy and not interesting to have only educational training. Parents have understand only one thing, no matter how clever their boys or girls are in any case they need also physical activities such like playing with others children in football or swimming with grand mothers.

Огромное спасибо.

[Balamut5]

Some people believe that children's leisure activities must be educational, otherwise they are a complete waste of time. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your experience.

Просил покритиковать??? ну ну

Education system has been increasingly developed throughout the world. Children have less time for physical activities and more for educational ones. (1) It is disagreed that (2) for children will be enough only educational training. This will be proven by analysing how physical activities (3) will can help children with their education and health.
---
(1) It is disagreed that.., - by whom? Either you say that ‘I disagree…’ or ‘It is said…’
(2) It would be better to say ‘.. that it is not enough to provide children with educational trainings only’. It’s unusual to construct a sentence in the way you did. ‘..for children will be..’ change to ‘..it will be … for children..’
(3) Future tense is not needed here as you discuss in general.
---

(4) Firstly, let us have a look Looking first at an education system. (5) Year by year we see how much more subjects which have connection to computers could be learnt by children and less subjects which have connection to the physical training. By Scientists proved that after (6) each hour in front of the computers children have to do make physical exercises for 5-10 minutes physical exercises. The same happened to me was with my experience 20 years ago, when my mother (7) used to always explained me how important it was to do is physical exercises activities after an hour of working at the behind a table. This ( example clearly shows the importance of connecting to us how important is close connection between physical and educational activities. Therefore, (9) it can be concluded that also parents also have to care about physical activities of their offspring.
---
(4) you’ve got a hanging sentence without predicative; it’s not allowed in English. Also, if you suggest to have a look ‘at an education system’, you actually say ‘let’s have a look how generic education system is built or organised’, and it is expected that you will go on explain how an education system should be built, what it should include, how it operates, and what outcomes you expect from a generic educational system. I believe it wasn’t your intent here.
(5) the whole sentence is not well-constructed, which makes it unreadable (not clear what you write about). Possibly, you meant that ‘Over past several years we have seen the increase in a number of subjects studied by children that would be relevant to computer technologies comparing to physical education.’
(6) ‘… after each hour in front….’, this is a way how we speak in Russian but not in English. ‘Scientists proved that children had to do physical exercises for 5 to 10 minutes after each hour spent in front of the computer’.
(7) the sentence is constructed in a Russian way. Also, you never use the word ‘always’ in past tenses. Also, go through reported speech and rules describing the use of tenses there. (she said it was useful to go to school every day… instead of ‘she said it is useful to go…’).
( example??? there was example? where?
(9) sorry but this conclusion doesn’t come from ‘example’, it’s illogical. If parents ‘also’ have to do it, then the logical question is – who else? For instance, ‘children have to take care about their physical development. And, because scientists claimed something, parents have to do it also’.
---

Secondly, we need to (10) will have a closer look at the to a correlation between children's health problems and (11) more schooling. Statistics (12) show explain us that more and more children have problem with their spines. It is a fact that the main reason of the children’s spine problem is an amount of time spent spending a lot of hours (13) at behind the desks. (14) No doubt that more physical activities children have than healthier they are.
---
(10) this way is useful for preface; for instance, ‘Firstly, we will consider the influence of native language on the way students write in a foreign language. Secondly, we will have a closer look at the problems they may face taking IELTS exams if they exercise such a practice. Thirdly, we will explain why lower marks are given for such type of writing’. In this sentence, the use of Future tense is not justifiable.
(11) it doesn’t sound English. ‘.. correlation between children’s health problems and a number/amount of school hours’.
(12) generally, statistics doesn’t explain anything; it shows. The explanation is something that comes from the mind of a person who reads the statistics.
(13) I’m not sure but we sit at the desk and if a pen falls on the floor, it could be behind the desk. Also, the sentence is written in a Russian manner.
(14) a set of words which are English but don’t form an English sentence. no offence, pls. ‘No doubts that the more physical activities children do, the healthier they become.’
---

Following the analysis of the different kinds of activities, it is clear that (15) for children it is unhealthy and not interesting (16) to have only educational training. Parents have to understand the only one thing – no matter how clever their boys or girls are in any case they need also physical activities such as like playing football with others children in football or swimming with grand mothers.
---
(15) it is uncommon to construct a sentence as ‘for somebody will be..’ or ‘for somebody is better..’, the correct way is ‘it will be… for somebody’ or ‘it is better to… for somebody’. If you’ve seen the other way around in normal English literature, then I’m wrong and beg your pardon.
(16) hold on, here we go sorry, you haven’t got anything about interesting activities up to this point, so don’t bring it in the conclusion.

Aleks, практически весть текст написан исходя из русской грамматики, что сильно повлияло на его читабельность. Есть так же английские грамматические ошибки и потери контекста, и потери логики повествования.

Топик звучал: Some people believe that children's leisure activities must be educational, otherwise they are a complete waste of time. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your experience.
Некоторые люди полагают, что дети должны проводить свободное время, занимаясь вещами, носящими образовательный характер, а иначе это просто пустая трата времени. Согласны вы с этим или нет? Обоснуйте свой ответ и приведите примеры из вашей жизни.

На основной вопрос топика ответа дано не было. Тема не раскрыта.

Aleks, обычно от русизмов (составление предложений исходя из русской грамматики) очень тяжело избавляться. Многим помогают формальные занятия английским языком (типа курсов Intermediate и пр., где грамматика разбирается детально) и чтение адаптированной литературы.