My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Konstantinus]

Просьба проверить эссе

Просьба проверить мое эссе. У меня большая проблема - не могу уложиться в 40 минут и получается слишком много слов. Как можно сократить эссе?

Some people prefer to live in a house, while others feel that there are more advantages to living in an apartment. Are there more advantages than disadvantages of living in a house compared with living in an apartment?

The modern lifestyle allows us to choose where to live. Some people think that there are more advantages to live in the house but at the same time others claim that living in an apartment is more suitable for people. As for me, I agree that living in a house has more advantages compared with living in a block of flats. This will be analyzed by providing pros and cons of abovementioned statement.

First advantage is that in the house you do not have neighbors above or below your flat. For instance, friend of mine who is living in the apartment complained several months ago that his neighbors from the flat under him like to listen to the music loudly during the night. He asked them to not doing this and even called to the police several times but without any help. This example clearly shows that the family living in the separate house will definitely not have any troubles with noisy neighbors just from the other side of the wall. Quietness is a main reason why people prefer to live in the house.

The second advantage is that usually each separate house has its own land where you can spend a lot of time outside the room with activities such as sunbathing, cooking the meal, playing with children and pets, growing flowers. According to the survey, people who spend 4-5 hours on the nature each day have the better health in comparison with those who spend time mostly in the apartments. There are no doubts that people who live in the house with the garden have the chance to spend their time closer to the nature and this is the main reason why people prefer living in the house.

In conclusion, quite nights in your bed without any disturbance from the neighbors from the other side of the wall and possibility to have different activities outside the building have more advantages for the persons who respect calm and healthy life. Thus I prefer to live in my own house 10-20 kilometers from the town. There is a positive trend which shows that people are moving from the crowded towns to the countryside houses and this tendency will be definitely extended to the nearest future.

375 слов

[Anna802]

Ребята, а что значит эссе? вы заранее знаете топик и по нему пишите мини сочинение ?

[433t]

ну мы тренеруемся писать сочинения, берем топики прошлых лет (и не только) и пишем по ним сочинения.

[taha]

Please check and correct!!! If it is possible, please estimate me!!!

Some people feel that certain workers like nurses, doctors and teachers are undervalued and should be paid more, especially when other people like film actors or company bosses are paid huge sums of money that are out of proportion to the importance of the work that they do.
How far do you agree?
What criteria should be used to decide how much people are paid?

In these days, people have to work in order to support their families and needs. A job is one of the most important things in our life, but some workers, such as nurses, doctors and teachers receive less money than the film actors or company bosses. However they work harder and fulfill significant work. I will analyze this question and make suggestions about what criteria should be used to estimate salary.

Firstly, there is no doubt that social workers, like nurses, doctors and teachers play a crucial role in our society, because they help and teach us, especially when we have problems with health or we want to gain knowledge. Despite of they earn a small amount of money than less-educated actors. Therefore, many qualified doctors, teachers decide to change their professions, in order to make more money than now. As a result, for example in my country, there are lack of skilled, well- educated workers in the schools and the hospitals. Besides, many the young people do not want to choose these specialties at university.

However, there are a lot of actors, who earn huge sums of money, because they are very famous, talented and people want to watch their films. It seems unfair, that actors make more money than doctors and teachers. But they can work only short time, after people forget film stars.

So, it is completely difficult decide, what criteria should be used to estimate work. I am most declined to agree that, it will be better to pay workers according to the importance of the work that they do and qualifications, the work experience. Consequently, employee will try to work harder and more productive.

To sum up. Our society needs good doctors, teachers, in order to save and develop people. Thus , they should be rewarded according to work, qualifications and the work experience. If we do not accept a special law about equal salary, it might be late to find a doctor or teacher in the hospital or school.

[433t]

Буду очень признателен, если проверите вот этот вот)) Тут тема не сформулирована (взял с последних сданных тем, по словам очевидцев))), но то что требуется написать, вполне ясно!

An argument topic about the benefits of a life as a celebrity was given. We had to explore the pros and cons of being a celebrity and support one side.

Almost everyone dreams about being celebrity nowadays. TV and newspapers show us all the positive sides of being very popular. However, living in public might be harder that it seems to be.
Mass media shows the lives of popular musicians and actors very shining and delightful. Definitely, easy living of famous people is extremely inviting for all of us due to many reasons. First of all, every celebrity has an extremely rich and beautiful live. For example, they can afford to better houses, very expensive cars and perfect clothes. In addition, being popular means having a big number of funs over the world. Many people adore celebrities and would like be like them. As a result, famous people may have any influence on their funs. Finally, being popular means that you will probably be remembered by millions people in the world even after your death.
On the other hand, celebrities often have many negative effects of being so popular. Though rich and famous people are always showed by TV as very enjoyed and happy, living in that way may be incredible difficult and tiring. For example, popular musicians have to travel during their tours almost every day. Secondly, it appears that popular people do not have any private life. They are always followed by photographers. Eventually, it may lead to very tragic results (in example the death of Princess Diana was probably caused by photojournalists who were chasing her). Finally famous people (especially musicians) often have troubles with drug addiction.
In my opinion, being a celebrity is and extremely hard work. Though it allows you to be very rich, popular and adorable, it makes simple and confident being almost impossible. If I had a chance to become a celebrity, I would prefer to stay myself, have an ordinary work, a quiet life and an united family.

[Balamut5]

Покритикуйте, пожалуйста, эссе мужа, будем очень признательны!

There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

There are very many different types of music in the world today. What is a music? Formally, it is a set of notes which we have only seven! Despite of their small number we have a huge number of (1) different compositions in different styles and directions of music.
---
(1) small number… huge number -> Despite their quantity, there is a huge number of…


There are many (2) directions of music in the world, such as pop music, rock, punk, metal, classical music, (3) RnB, rave, trance, and (4) decades of others. Most of these (2) directions have their own styles, sub-styles, and different variations in different countries.
---
(2) directions -> styles
(3) RnB -> rhythm and blues; avoid abbreviations
(4) can’t say ‘decades of others’, can say ‘dozens of others’.

And, why do we need music? I think, no one have a single answer for this question. Some people use (5) music for getting better their mood, on the other (6) hand some people use it for get sad and cry. Music is able to control human’s mood. Moreover, some kinds of music can create an atmosphere of curtain (? what does it mean?) culture of country.
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(5) choice of words is incorrect. You can listen to music in order to get better. Or, you can listen to music to uplift your spirit. But, you can’t say ‘ use music for getting better their mood’.
(6) ‘on the other hand’ doesn’t sound right here, would be better to say ‘whereas others…’.
The sentence is not clear and grammatically incorrect (5, 6). Consider the following approach:

Some people turn to music to uplift their spirit. It makes them feel happier in bad times. On the contrary, some other people listen to music to get into feelings of sadness and depression. Whatever suits a person, one fact is clear – music is a great tool to tune human’s mood.

The last sentence about ‘curtain culture’ is not clear; I don’t understand what the author means by ‘curtain culture’. Did you mean ‘certain culture’?
certain – в данном контексте, «определенная культура», «некая страна».
curtain – как обычно – занавеска, покрывало и curtainculture / curtaincountry – это Северная Корея

This sort of music is named as traditional music. Every community in the world has their own style of traditional music. Songs and melodies of curtain country are very important parts of its history, traditions and culture. So, we have not rights to lose pieces of our countries history history of ours country, which were created by our parents and grandparents with hardness. Unfortunately, young generation are losing their culture and most of young people prefer only modern music which is heard everywhere nowadays.


Modern music has more variations is more variable, because of nowadays we have there are many a great possibilities of sound creation. We can use only one computer to synthesize any sound, for example, sounds of piano or guitar. I am sure that modern music has the future must live as it is a part of our culture. Furthermore, it will be a part of history for our children.
---
‘…a great possibilities..’, ‘..more variable..’, ‘..because of nowadays..’, ‘…we have..’ – all of these phrases are either wrong or not used in English in such a context.

I think music is a very important part of our lives. All generations, styles and directions of music have rights for existence to be alive, because all of them are parts of culture, life, history of different communities, countries and whole nations.

Congratulations on the first try!

I see that your husband seriously approached the topic and aimed at reviewing it from all the angles. It gave integrity to the essay.

Still, we should not forget that the recommended number of words in an essay is 250. This requirement makes essay writing a challenging task. A student has to be concise and yet precise in a way how they express themselves. So, it is important to use correct vocabulary (phrases, collocations, linking words, etc.) and arrange the essay logically, so readers don't have any doubts about student's thoughts.

You husband needs to practice concise writing when he follows a strict structure. For instance, the first 3 paragraphs of this essay could have been combined into 2-3 sentences to form the introduction. I would advise to re-write this essay a couple of times till it becomes 'perfect'.
What do you think?

[Balamut5]

А вот правда.. почему бы не попробовать переписать эссе с учетом коментариев. Пускай это будет несколько раз, зато сам факт доведения эссе до кондиции даст очень хороший позитивный заряд... Кроме того, данный подход позволит проработать грамматику и логику повествования, попрактиковать различные грам. конструкции и т.п.

Я это говорю к тому, что часто одни и те же подходы/ошибки повторяются в последующих эссе, т.е. происходит в некотором роде зацикливание на одних и тех же ошибках. И общий прогресс застревает.

[Balamut5]

Some people believe that computers are more of a hindrance than a help in today’s world. Others feel that they are such indispensable tools that they would not be able to live or work without them.

Спасибо за анализ, совсем запутался, мне надо было привести аргументы за и против и решить проблемы????

Да собственно и вопроса ведь не было в топике. По мне так суть топика сводилась к тому, что есть компьютеры. Часть людей считает, что компьютеры - это зло и вред. Другая часть считает, что компьютеры - это круто, клево и полезно. Вопроса поставлено не было, поэтому я подумал что речь идет либо о дискуссии, либо о высказывании мнения.

[Balamut5]

I've found the following article quite useful
Free IELTS General Training Writing Test - Task 2

especially:
Your task will be marked in three areas. You will get a mark from 1 to 9 on Arguments, Ideas and Evidence, Communicative Quality and Vocabulary and Sentence Structure. Your final band for Task 2 will be effectively an average of the three marks awarded in these areas. Task 2 writing is more important than Task 1 and to calculate the final writing mark, more weight is assigned to the Task 2 mark than to Task 1's mark. To get a good overall mark though, both tasks have to be well answered so don't hold back on Task 1 or give yourself too little time to answer it properly.
Arguments, Ideas and Evidence
This mark grades you on the content of your essay. The argument is how you present your case as regards the question. The ideas part is how many and how good your ideas are in helping your argument. The evidence is the facts that you use to back up your ideas. Evidence is very important in Task 2. You need to bring in facts from your own experience in order to support your ideas. The three parts (Arguments, Ideas and Evidence) are not independent but blend together to give a good answer. Together they really present the content and substance of your essay.
Communicative Quality
This is how you are making yourself understood and whether the reader of your writing understands what you are saying. Are you communicating well with the reader and are your ideas that you want to present understood by the reader?
Vocabulary and Sentence Structure
This area looks at the your grammar and choice of words. The marker will look at whether the right grammar and words are used and whether they are used at the right time, in the right place and in the right way. Most people are predominantly worried about their grammar but, as you can see, grammar is only half of one section of three used to grade your writing. IELTS is much more interested in communication rather than grammatical accuracy.

[Balamut5]

Hello everyone. Could you please check and evaluate my IELTS essay?


Many people believe that television programs are of no value for children. Do you agree? Why or why not? Provide reasons and examples to support your response.

I disagree with this opinion because there are a lot of television programs that may be useful for children. Nowadays, television has become one of the most important providers of information and it would be wrong decision to prevent children’sfrom accessingto it. Of course, there are a lot of other sources of information such as, for example, the Internet, but whereas they are also extremely important, none of them can completely substitute television. In addition, it is much easier to filteratean information coming from TV programs than that a child might find in the Internet.

Children can learn a lot from watching TV programs. There isare always a great opportunity to select those TV programs that will be very useful for your child. From animations and children’s moviesfilms hethey can learn basic social and communicational patterns and advance their understanding of what is good and what is bad. In order to become socially adapted, a child should watch common TV programs designed for kids. Of course, parents mustn’t allow their baby to watchwatching TV all day long. Besides, the control of (1) what programs will be watched they should also establish a limit on how much time can a child spend watching TV. For instance, some psychologists suggest that it shouldn’t be more than one hour per day.
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(1) the sentence is hard to understand. Consider the following: Besides, parents have to maintain a proper control over programs that their children watch and set time limits, so children do not abuse it.

There are programs suitable for each particular age. For younger children the best choice would be animation films and (2) those who approach to the age of teenagers a big range of programs can be useful. For example, programs on nature, relations, music, culture, etc. They can acquire a lot of knowledge from them and significantly develop their mentality.
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(2) not clear what you wanted to say by this, ‘..and those who approach to the age of teenagers a big range of programs can be useful’. I mean, it is a long sub-sentence, some grammar issues – okay, but it doesn’t give any information and just occupies the space of your essay.

There are always ways to shield your child from programs containing cruelty or other materials that could be harmful for baby’s psyche. It is important to be aware of what your baby gets from TV programs he watches. Therefore, parents must observe all programs that their child watches, or at least look through announcements of them. By doing thatthis they will be able to make TV watching television programs helpful for their child.


In the conclusion it isn’t very difficult to defend a child against any harmful impact even if theyhe watches TV programs regularly. At the same time a moderate time spent on appropriate TV programs may develop themhim and improve theirhis understanding of life.

--
Essay size is 389 words, which signifies the importance of concise writing.
Some ideas didn't have evidence or explanations that would support them.
Also, you slightly moved from the main topic question which is visible in the conclusion.

You had to build connections between your ideas - arguments - evidence, structure them in the main body and summarise them in the conclusion. Instead, you ended up having many unsupported ideas scattered around the text.

Arguments and Ideas.
Concentrate on 1-2 ideas per paragraph and explain them thoroughly by providing arguments, ideas, evidence, your personal experience. You shouldn’t mix pros and cons in the same paragraph. For instance, the second paragraph speaks about educational aspects of television. Well done! Provide clear statement that it is good, give ideas/arguments how it helps children development, provide evidence that it really works (for instance, a child you know that was successful at school because they used to watch educational TV), and summarize. This is it.. you don’t need to say anything else in the paragraph.

Please, try again bearing in mind that you have to be concise and specific.

P.S. A couple of words about children that you know… Don’t mess a good story with truth. Essay is a creative writing and you can draw (or imagine) any evidence you like, as long as it is fit for purpose and justifiable.

[Balamut5]

Просьба проверить мое эссе. У меня большая проблема - не могу уложиться в 40 минут и получается слишком много слов. Как можно сократить эссе?

Some people prefer to live in a house, while others feel that there are more advantages to living in an apartment. Are there more advantages than disadvantages of living in a house compared with living in an apartment?

Let’s try to make your essay concise and straight to the point. Okay?

1. The modern lifestyle allows us to choose where to live.
2. Some people think that there are more advantages to live in thea house but at the same timewhile others claim that living in an apartment is more suitable for people.
3. As for me, I believeagree that living in a house has more advantages compared with living in a block of flats.
4. This will be analysed by providing pros and cons of abovementioned statement.
-----
(1) Obsolete sentence, not needed.
(2) You can’t use ‘..but at the same time..’ here, as it should refer to those people described before. For instance, ‘some people think…. in a house but at the same time they are dissatisfied with…’.
(4) Obsolete sentence, not needed.

1. The first advantage is that in athe house you do not have neighbours living above or below your flat.
2. For instance, a friend of mine who is living in the apartment used to complainedseveral months ago that his about neighbours that listened to the loud music from the flat under him like to turned the listened to the music volume too loud loudly during the night.
3. He asked them to stop doingnot doing that this and even called to the police several times but without any successhelp.
4. This example clearly shows that the a family living in thea separate house will definitely not have any troubles with noisy neighbours just from the other side of the wall.
5. Quietness is a main reason why people prefer to live in atheprivate house.
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(4) Conclusion doesn’t come from the idea and evidence. The example illustrates that you have to be ready to have noisy neighbours when you live in an apartment, BUT it doesn’t say anything about live in a private house. Besides, the sentence construction is not nice, ‘… any troubles with noisy neighbours just from the other side of the wall..’ – it’s not logical.

6. The second advantage is that usually each separate house has its own land where you can spend a lot of time outside the room with doing activities such as sunbathing, cooking the meal, playing with children and pets, or just gardeninggrowing flowers.
7. According to the survey, people who spend 4-5 hours inon the nature each day have the better health comparing toin comparison with those who spend time mostly in the apartments.
8. There are no doubts that people who live in thea house with the garden have morethe chances to spend their time closer to in the nature and this is another strongthe main reason why people prefer living in thea house.
---
(7) what survey??? The idea – argument – evidence is not logical and not relevant to topic. ‘..people who spend 4-5… better health comparing to those who spend… apartments’. You can live in a block of flats and spend 4-5 hours outside.
( how many main reasons do people have?
As you see, the idea is not well presented here. You’d better build a bridge saying that those who live in a private house generally have better health as they have more chances to spend time outside in the nature comparing to those who live in blocks of flats, etc.

In conclusion, quite nights in your bed without any disturbance from the neighbours from the other side of the wall and possibility to spend timehave different activities outside the buildingwill have more advantages for the persons who respect calm and healthy life. Thus, I prefer to live in my own house 10-20 kilometres from the town. There is a positive trend which shows that people are moving from the crowded towns to the countryside houses and this tendency will be definitely extended to the nearest future.

Я попробовал сократить твои предложения, оставив в них только то, что относится к теме и высказанной идее. Письменный экзамен требует краткости и одновременно информативности ответов, где идеи высказываются в структурированной форме и поддержаны фактами из жизни, а так же сопровождаются выводами.
У тебя с последним все окей, осталось теперь начать писать кратко.

Иногда сваливаешься к объяснению уже известных фактов или дополнениям, которые не несут смысловую нагрузку.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Ребята, а что значит эссе? вы заранее знаете топик и по нему пишите мини сочинение ?

There's a BIG difference between an essay and a сочинение (=composition)!

[Balamut5]

Please check and correct!!! If it is possible, please estimate me!!!

Some people feel that certain workers like nurses, doctors and teachers are undervalued and should be paid more, especially when other people like film actors or company bosses are paid huge sums of money that are out of proportion to the importance of the work that they do.
How far do you agree?
What criteria should be used to decide how much people are paid?

Let's go through the structure this time. The essay topic is really tough, challenging assignment!

1.
You have 335 words in your essay with target of 250. It means that you need to be concise in your writing. For instance, the first paragraph took 71 words but actually didn't contributed much to the questions asked in the topic.
The things like -
In these days, people have to work in order to support their families and needs. A job is one of the most important things in our life
are banalities and they don't contribute to your writing.

2.
The first paragraph ends with "I will analyze this question and make suggestions about what criteria should be used to estimate salary." and you finish the essay with "it is completely difficult decide, what criteria should be used to estimate work."
Plan essay structure, ideas - arguments - evidence links BEFORE you start writing. Outline a plan of your essay and follow it. It is a good approach while you are practicing. In some time, you will find yourself doing it faster and eventually you will be able to do it within 3-4 minutes on the exam.

3.
The topic question was Do you agree or not, and what criteria should be used to determine salary.
Throughout essay you were close to those questions but never addressed them completely. Instead you concentrated on outcomes of unfair payments (paragraphs 2, 3, 5). So, you spent lots of time on things that were not 100% relevant to the topic.
Look, surely it was valid and important to state what consequences the society can expect if the unfairness in money distribution continues, that particular jobs will become less interesting to younger generation and thus, the overall professionalism of those categories can plummet significantly in the near future. BUT, it was not expected from you to dwell on these thoughts.

4.
The ideas and supporting facts/evidence were not obvious throughout the text. You spoke about one thing a bit, then another thing, then another thing.. etc. It results in readers not being able to see the integrity and your position clearly.

What was expected (as I see it).

Introduction (10%)
Some people believe salaries do not commensurate with benefits people provide to the society. This capitalistic approach makes professions like .... to become less popular and overall level of public service goes down. I strongly believe governments have to work hard to change it in the near future.

Reasons (20%)
The current economic system concentrate wealth in the hands of people who make money, when those in top 5 have everything and others have nothing. The system is single-minded and doesn't take social aspects into consideration, so valuable and challenging professions become less important. It deters people from them which may have long term negative impact. For instance, in my country... The balance should be found.

Alternatives (50%)
I believe social value of profession should be considered. Eventually, bosses and actors want to have good doctors and excellent education for their children. For instance, there could be a mechanism developed that would give a money value to education of a student and show the role a teacher played there. I believe if it's calculated, lots of bosses and actors would be surprised. I don't think the change is gonna be easy and government should take ownership in the transformation. For instance, examples of Western/European countries where doctors are well-paid but people have to pay higher taxes in proportion to their salaries. So governments can achieve it through taxation - subsidising schemes.

Conclusion (10%)
Alternatives are good but go against an established system. It would take courage and determination from all the parties to implement them. We don't have any other option but to filfill the goal and complete the change or irreversable changes will occure (lose of knowledge, etc.).

[taha]

Let's go through the structure this time. The essay topic is really tough, challenging assignment!

1.
You have 335 words in your essay with target of 250. It means that you need to be concise in your writing. For instance, the first paragraph took 71 words but actually didn't contributed much to the questions asked in the topic.
The things like -
In these days, people have to work in order to support their families and needs. A job is one of the most important things in our life
are banalities and they don't contribute to your writing.

2.
The first paragraph ends with "I will analyze this question and make suggestions about what criteria should be used to estimate salary." and you finish the essay with "it is completely difficult decide, what criteria should be used to estimate work."
Plan essay structure, ideas - arguments - evidence links BEFORE you start writing. Outline a plan of your essay and follow it. It is a good approach while you are practicing. In some time, you will find yourself doing it faster and eventually you will be able to do it within 3-4 minutes on the exam.

3.
The topic question was Do you agree or not, and what criteria should be used to determine salary.
Throughout essay you were close to those questions but never addressed them completely. Instead you concentrated on outcomes of unfair payments (paragraphs 2, 3, 5). So, you spent lots of time on things that were not 100% relevant to the topic.
Look, surely it was valid and important to state what consequences the society can expect if the unfairness in money distribution continues, that particular jobs will become less interesting to younger generation and thus, the overall professionalism of those categories can plummet significantly in the near future. BUT, it was not expected from you to dwell on these thoughts.

4.
The ideas and supporting facts/evidence were not obvious throughout the text. You spoke about one thing a bit, then another thing, then another thing.. etc. It results in readers not being able to see the integrity and your position clearly.

What was expected (as I see it).

Introduction (10%)
Some people believe salaries do not commensurate with benefits people provide to the society. This capitalistic approach makes professions like .... to become less popular and overall level of public service goes down. I strongly believe governments have to work hard to change it in the near future.

Reasons (20%)
The current economic system concentrate wealth in the hands of people who make money, when those in top 5 have everything and others have nothing. The system is single-minded and doesn't take social aspects into consideration, so valuable and challenging professions become less important. It deters people from them which may have long term negative impact. For instance, in my country... The balance should be found.

Alternatives (50%)
I believe social value of profession should be considered. Eventually, bosses and actors want to have good doctors and excellent education for their children. For instance, there could be a mechanism developed that would give a money value to education of a student and show the role a teacher played there. I believe if it's calculated, lots of bosses and actors would be surprised. I don't think the change is gonna be easy and government should take ownership in the transformation. For instance, examples of Western/European countries where doctors are well-paid but people have to pay higher taxes in proportion to their salaries. So governments can achieve it through taxation - subsidising schemes.

Conclusion (10%)
Alternatives are good but go against an established system. It would take courage and determination from all the parties to implement them. We don't have any other option but to filfill the goal and complete the change or irreversable changes will occure (lose of knowledge, etc.).

Спасибо за науку. Научиться грамотно писать одно, надо еще обдуманно!!!

[Balamut5]

Спасибо за науку. Научиться грамотно писать одно, надо еще обдуманно!!!

Собственно эссе не ставит основной целью проверку грамматики. Здесь важно уметь высказать мысль, обосновать ее, привести доводы и сделать это все так, чтобы читатель понял вашу позицию.