My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Balamut5]

Уважаемый господа покритикуйте пожалуйста мое следующее эссе со всей строгостью. Спасибо.

Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Parents are the best teachers.Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.


Throughout our life we have a lot of teachers infrom kindergartens, schools, and universities. However, we have parents who are undoubtedly more interested in our life and our education. Also, parents help us to make first steps in our adult life. I can agree with the statement that our best tutors are parents and will try to support this opinion with examples from my own experience.



On the one hand, parents play a very important role in their children’s developmenting and education. Parents are our first tutors from whom we learn how to walk, speak, and play with the others children. Although In addition, nobody besides parents better knows their offspring and their needs. Furthermore, family (1) members believe that their children could achieve more success thaen them. I have learnt a lot of useful things from my mother, and ; moreover these tips regularly help me in terrible situations.
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(1) out of context.

On the other hand, our relatives could give us a huge amount of information about future adult life, as well as also about harmful habits such aslike drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes. Unfortunately, our family members could not provide for us with all the knowledge that which we can receive from the teachers at schools and universities. That is why it is also important for children to have an all-round education.

In conclusion, I would like to express my own opinion. I support the statement that extended (2) families are the best teachers, but I also believe that children require more knowledge then parents can provide for them with.
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(2) what does it mean ‘extended families’?

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Topic
The question was – do you agree or disagree and there was a need to provide specific reasons and examples. So, you can’t stay in the middle in your answer. In addition, you need to be more specific and less general in your answer.
Your position is in favour to the statement but you are still in the middle – family is the best, but… Also, you didn’t provide any specific reasons or examples.

In addition, the topic is tricky as the role of teachers is not understood in the same way by different people. Teaching can mean the process of transferring knowledge and training children. For instance, a best teacher is the one who can establish communications with kids they are responsible for, so those children can obtain new knowledge effectively and use it efficiently in life. So, what qualities do you need to be a good teacher? and is it true that parents can actually teach their children?
We shouldn’t mix teaching with being a good source of information. Parents are definitely a great source of information and they do understand their children (at least till children are 12 yo , but it’s not the question. The question is whether they are good teachers. Teaching is an ability to effectively give knowledge, train.

Flow of ideas

The use of ‘On the one hand’ ‘ On the other hand’ is not justified here. They’re used when you present two or more contradicting ideas. Here, you’d better gone with First of all, Secondly, etc. In other words, you simply enumerated pros of your position and there was no need for ‘on the one hand’ ‘on the other hand’ connections.

Many linking words are used out of context or inappropriately.

You had lots of ideas but most of them remained as short statements with no progression. You really have to change the approach to essay writing. It’s not about listing the ideas, but rather your ability to take one/two ideas an present them. For instance, you have an idea – relatives could give information about future life, so you go
‘Our relatives can help their children prepare better for adult life. They lived their own life and gained valuable experience. Since parents observed children from earlier age, they know what their kids are like and what would work for them in their adulthood. Thus, the knowledge they can provide is invaluable and very much appropriate to kids. This once again shows that parents are the best teachers’.

Я бы порекомендовал прорабатывать структуру ответа более тщательно перед написанием. Может быть даже написать эссе по -русски, а потом перенести это на английский язык. По-крайней мере, это поможет усвоить применяемые структуры в ответах.

Необходимо раскрывать тему и отвечать на поставленный вопрос без ухода в сторону.

[I_am_Unicorn]

THANX!!!

[433t]

Приветы всем! Буду очень благодарен за оценочку еще одного моего эссе. Спасибо!

Financial education should be mandatory component of the school program. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

The meaning of money in the modern world has extremely increased and it is still constantly growing. It appears that none of the members of the society can survive without basic financial knowledge. As a result, economic classes become more and more popular in schools.

Definitely, there are many benefits of those improvements in the education programs. Eventually, they give young people a lot of opportunities in future. At first, the enormous number of the occupations are connected with economics. For example, software developers with a good financial background are very needed by banks and other firms. At second, nearly every modern person faces with banking systems and services. Thus, it requires general skills of using them. At third, good understanding of credit and deposit technics allows people not only to save their money but also to increase them without any risks. Finally, there are a lot of financial frauds oriented to those who have not got enough understanding of economic processes. Therefore, those improvements in education will help people to protect against these types of crime.

On the other hand, starting studying economics in childhood will probably lead to overestimating the meaning of money among young people. Consequently, it will make them greedier and more dependent on material values rather than kind and intelligent ones.

In my opinion, it is necessary to introduce studying of money into education programs for young people. Probably, it would be useful to let pupils choose whether they want to study it or not. As a result it will help them cope with many difficulties in future and will make their lives simpler.

[Balamut5]

Приветы всем! Буду очень благодарен за оценочку еще одного моего эссе. Спасибо!

Financial education should be mandatory component of the school program. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

The meaning of money in the modern world has extremely increased and it is still constantly growing. It appears that none of the members of the society can survive without basic financial knowledge. As a result, economic subjects classes are becoming more and more popular in schools.

Definitely, there are many benefits of those improvements in the education programs. Eventually, they give young people a lot of opportunities in the future. At first, the enormous number of the occupations is are connected with economics. For example, software developers with a good financial background are very needed by banks and other firms. At second, nearly every modern person faces deals with banking systems and services. Thus, it requires general skills of using them. At third, good understanding of credit and deposit technics allows people not only to save their money but also to increase them without any risks. Finally, there are a lot of financial frauds oriented at to those who have not got enough understanding of economic processes. Therefore, those improvements in education will help people to protect themselves against these types of crime.

On the other hand, starting studying economics in childhood will probably lead to overestimating the meaning of money among young people. Consequently, it will may make them greedier and more dependent on material values, rather than nurturing kindness, ethical behaviour, and decency. and intelligent ones.
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intelligent = smart, able to understand things easily

In my opinion, it is necessary to introduce economics subjects to/in studying of money into education programs for young people. Probably, it would be useful to let pupils choose whether they want to study it or not. As a result, it will help them cope with many difficulties in future and will make their lives simpler.

I particularly liked the structure and integrity of the essay. It reads well and the flow of ideas is easy to understand. The text looks solid and this is really mature work.

I would have put the conclusion differently to better address the topic question – should financial education be mandatory? – by writing that it should not be mandatory as pupils should be given a right to choose whether to study it or not but the benefits of financial education and threats that financial illiteracy brings about must be explained to kids. In other words, I would have tried to clearly answer the main question without wiggling jiggling.

Please, continue practicing as you definitely have good skills and it would make sense to practice them with different types of topics.

As far as points of improvement concern, it would be good to align your thoughts/paragraphs/conclusion with topic as much as possible.
The second thing is a choice of words/ phrases/ sentences structure; some of them are not common in English speaking environment. It’s hard to change it at once and you’ll continue developing your skills along the way.

[433t]

Баламут, спасибо большое! Буду продолжать)))

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Приветы всем! Буду очень благодарен за оценочку еще одного моего эссе. Спасибо!

Financial education should be mandatory component of the school program. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

........ .

What's your target score?

Structurally and grammatically not bad at all thought I consider the 'on the other hand' paragraph a way too short compared to the previous one and this makes your arguments unbalanced.

The most 'unpleasant' problem from my point of view is your choice of words. This makes many sentences sound strange and rather weird. You've also made a mistake typical to Russian-speakers: money are->is

All other comments will depend on the target score.

[433t]

What's your target score?

Structurally and grammatically not bad at all thought I consider the 'on the other hand' paragraph a way too short compared to the previous one and this makes your arguments unbalanced.

The most 'unpleasant' problem from my point of view is your choice of words. This makes many sentences sound strange and rather weird. You've also made a mistake typical to Russian-speakers: money are->is

All other comments will depend on the target score.

I think 6.0 for writing would be good enough) my overall target band is 6.5.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

I reckon if you write an essay like the last one under exam conditions you'll get 6. However, still believe you need to make sure your pros and cons are more balanced.
However, I think your essay is not got enough for 7, which means your 6 is doubtful. To get a higher score you need to use various expressions of modality more extensively (this includes 2nd conditionals).

Would you like me give a more detailed comment on your vocabulary?
In any case, you need to read a lot of good essays and essay prep. books to get the grip of the vocab. and write down the list of words and expressions by topic.


Just to illustrate my point:
though sounds correct 'education programs' is not what you should've used here. The word you need is 'curriculum' or 'school curriculum'. Even 'school program' sounds so much better!
Another example: are very needed by banks and other firms. This sounds awkward -> are in high demand/ are sought by

[433t]

I reckon if you write an essay like the last one under exam conditions you'll get 6. However, still believe you need to make sure your pros and cons are more balanced.
However, I think your essay is not got enough for 7, which means your 6 is doubtful. To get a higher score you need to use various expressions of modality more extensively (this includes 2nd conditionals).

Would you like me give a more detailed comment on your vocabulary?
In any case, you need to read a lot of good essays and essay prep. books to get the grip of the vocab. and write down the list of words and expressions by topic.


Just to illustrate my point:
though sounds correct 'education programs' is not what you should've used here. The word you need is 'curriculum' or 'school curriculum'.
Another example: are very needed by banks and other firms. This sounds awkward -> are in high demand/ are sought by

Большое спасибо за пояснение. Я понимаю, что очень слабое место - это мой вокабуляр. Буду готовиться дальше)) Буду очень благодарен за подробный комментарий.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Большое спасибо за пояснение. Я понимаю, что очень слабое место - это мой вокабуляр. Буду готовиться дальше)) Буду очень благодарен за подробный комментарий.

Проверьте ЛС

[433t]

Буду очень признателен, если рассмотрите еще одно мое эссе) Опять проблемы с вокабуляром, но без практики никакого прогресса не будет...

Many families are having fewer children. Having even just one child can have a dramatic impact on the parents' lives. Write about this impact in about 250 words. You can discuss the negative impact, the positive impact, or both.

In the modern developed countries many families generally consist of parents and only one child. As a result, that has a variety of both negative and positive effects on the parents lives.

Definitely, deciding to have only one child could bring many problems to the adults' beings. First of all, the ancestors and the child usually get used to each other very much. Consequently, it will make them feel lonely when the child starts to live apart from them. Secondly, if the infant has a brother or sister of their age they usually require less the parents' attention and have a good partner in games. In addition, the governments of many countries encourage having two or more children. As a result, those who do not have so many young members of the family lose their opportunity to receive the facilities. Finally, almost all religions over the world recommend to have at least two children.

On the other hand, there are positive influence of having only one infant. Firstly, that does not require spending a big amount of money. Furthermore, if there are a few children in family their ages usually differ. For this reason, the mature members of the family have to spend the same amount of time for each child through the children's growing up. Finally, it appears that a child who gets all the care of their ancestors will return it back in the future.

In my opinion, having more children means being happier. Thus, parents should have at least two children and that will make them the happiest people in the world.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Many families are having fewer children. Having even just one child can have a dramatic impact on the parents' lives. Write about this impact in about 250 words. You can discuss the negative impact, the positive impact, or both.

Long live Chinglish!

[Konstantinus]

Эссе на критику

Мое первое эссе, пыхтел так, что перемудрил с количеством слов. Потратил 1,5 часа, нужно 6,5 баллов. Просьба прокоментировать. Спасибо.

Many people say that cooking and eating at home is better for the individual and the family than eating out in restaurants or canteens. Do you agree or disagree.

Each living creature required food for its prospering and human being prefer the food to be proper cooked. The equipment of modern kitchen allow people to serve the table with perfectly prepared meals. It is correct that cooking and eating at home is more suitable for everybody throughout the world. This will be proved by analyzing the benefits to person’s health and advantages to the family’s profit.

A very important aspect of health is the quality of food and cleanness of the kitchen surroundings and silverware during cooking procedure. According the statistic, up to 8,6% of restaurant goers have serious problems with the stomach and 2,4% from this quantity have been poisoned by the restaurant’s meals with spending several weeks in the hospital. That is why the best way is when the people can choose fresh provision on the market then come home with spending some time for its preparation with serving of the table by 100% clean plates and forks.
Thus, every time you are boring in restaurants you have some higher risk for your health which can be decreased by cooking and eating at your own home

Secondly, all of us face to crisis processes which have forced people to money economy during different aspects of life and even by food economy. My best friend started economy on food and drinks from the beginning of the crisis and calculated savings achieved 860$ per month. Restaurant business has a big problem with profits now because few and few people are going to them preferring to save the family’s budget. Thus, the main source of the budget economy can be taken from cutting of extra expenses such as lunch in restaurants, canteens, cafes and bars.

Taking into consideration abovementioned, I believe that the modern life inclined us to the highest economy of resources. We can approach by sitting in quite home with healthy and quality meals. It is believed that more and more people are shifted from restaurants to home cooking and perhaps this will help to win in the battle named “world economy crisis”.

345 слов.

[taha]

Уважаемый форумчане покритикуйте пожалуйста мое следующее эссе со всей строгостью.уже скора экзамен. Спасибо заранее.
The best way to reduce the number of traffic accidents is to raise age limit for the younger drivers and to lower age limit for the aged ones. Do you agree?

In today’s world. a number of car accidents are increasing dramatically, many people die or injure on the road. It can be seen from the everyday’s news headlines and cause of the most them is the unskilled young driver or the old driver. I agree that a raise age limit for the young and the old people is the best way and in the following paragraphs, I will give my answer to support my view.

Firstly, in modern society for the young people get a driver licence is a easy task. As a result there are many traffic accidents and death on the road. Because sometimes the young drivers drive a car after drinking a alcohol drink. Also the old driver can not supervise their movement, because they have a bad sight and attention. If the Government raices age limit until 21years old for the young people and 65 years old for the old people, it will be good decision to eliminate car accidents. However some people consider that a young and old people have equal rights with other age groups. But I think that people’s life is more important than a driver licence.

Secondly, now a lot of driver’s courses teach a non-professional education and training hours in these courses are short time. For example, I finished my driver’s course, when I was 17 years old, after 30 days and with only 25 training hours by car. First time, I felt the discomfort on the road, I was afraid to a car accident and big dangerous for other drivers. Therefore I think that for the young people is better to take a driver licence in mature age, when they can answer for their action.

To sum up, we don’t have a unique way to reduce the number of traffic accidents, only driver’s caution can save our life.

[Scratch-cat]

Покритикуйте, пожалуйста, эссе мужа, будем очень признательны!

There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

There are very many different types of music in the world today. What is a music? Formally, it is a set of notes which we have only seven! Despite of their small number we have a huge number of different compositions in different styles and directions of music.

There are many directions of music in the world, such as pop music, rock, punk, metal, classical music, RnB, rave, trance and decades of others. Most of these directions have their own styles, substyles and different variations in different countries.

And why do we need music? I think, no one have a single answer for this question. Some people use music for getting better their mood, on the other hand some people use it for get sad and cry. Music able to control humans mood. Moreover, some kinds of music can create an atmosphere of curtain culture of country.

This sort of music is named as traditional music. Every community in the world has their own style of traditional music. Songs and melodies of curtain country are very important part of its history, traditions and culture. SO, we have not rights to lose piece of history of ours country, which was created by our parents and grandparents with hardness. Unfortunately, young generation are losing their culture and most of young people prefer only modern music which is heard everywhere nowadays.

Modern music is more variable, because of nowadays we have a great possibilities of sound creation. We can use only one computer to synthesize any sound, for example sounds of piano or guitar. I`m sure that modern music must live as it is part of our culture, furthermore, it will be a part of history for our children.

I think music is very important part of our lives. All generations, styles and directions of music have rights to be alive, because all of them are parts of culture, live, history of different communities, countries and whole nations.