My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Vanderley]

Добрый день!
Посмотрите, пожалуйста, мое эссе. Покритикуйте.
Заранее спасибо за Ваше внимание.

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.


In today’s world the competition is very high. Even in childhood children need to compete with each other. The argument that a sence of competition in children should be encouraged is a subject that is both supported and refuted by many. Both sides of this argument will be analyzed before a reasoned conclusion is drawn.
Firstly, it is easy to see that the sooner a child understands what competition is, the more success he will reach. For example, classmates who have showen themselves as excellent pupils at school, get better opportunities in their future. Because of this, it is easy to see why the argument that children’s competition should be encouraged by parents and teachers has garnered support
However, on the other side of this argument, it must be rememberd that the other side of competition is co-operation. For example, it is known that a team can do significantly more than their members separately. Thus, this makes it clear why the argument that cooperation should be encouraged from childhood is also supported by many people.
In summary, both sides of the argument regarding the encouragment some specific qualities in children have strong support. However, after analyzing both points of view it is clear that only the mix of competition and co-operation leads to success. As such, it is clear that nowadays a person cannot successfully compete with a team, but this team have to compete with other group of people. Thus, parents and teachers should encourage competition and co-operation at the same time.

[AMD]

Maria Mirabell не будите ли Вы так добры выслать мне тоже. Заранее благодарствую!
[email protected]

[AMD]

Кстати у меня есть вопрос к бывалым. Как нужно считать количество слов в essay. Одна моя знакомая уверяет меня что считают только прилагательные, существительные и глаголы, только essential words Ни какие линкеры, наречие всчёт не идут. Также с её слов устойчивые вырожения например как In this case будет считаться как одно слово. Есть ли это сия правда? Будте добры прокоментировать кто точно знает ответ. Иначе мне придётся реально добовлять много доп. инфо в своих сочинениях

[AMD]

Safety standards are important when building people’s homes who should be responsible for enforcing strict building codes. The governments or the people who build the homes.

Nowadays, building of new constructions in big cities and mega policies has increased considerably all over the world for the past decades. It could be explained by growing in number of population and the economics development of many counties. But at the same time certain safety requirements have been appeared in this field of industry. In this case, there is a debate who should be responsible for the code observance ensuring safety and reliability of buildings.

The main target of building guidelines is to determinate the minimum of demands for safety, health and wellbeing providing of people. That is why, usually governments with the help of special organizations create and regulate building laws giving appropriate permissions for construction in suitable places, controlling strictly material using and inspecting the quality of work. Besides, government should make changes in codes with emerging of new modern technologies and materials. Obviously, local authorities must regulate the process of building thoroughly as it is connected with the safety of people’s life, especially during the construction of skyline and dwelling houses.

On the other hand people should also take the responsibility. Despite the existing rules and laws there are some people who neglect or infringe safety standards using cheaper and poor quality building materials. Besides while building private houses owners often invite little-qualified workers to get into restricted budget in spite of high quality design and calculations. What is more such private constructions are not inspected thoroughly. Unfortunately it leads to negative consequences like cracks and eventually to the failure of constructions and human victims. Therefore, people should understand the importance of following safety standards.

In conclusion I would like to stress that modern building industry is becoming more complicated from year to year. Sophisticated and unusual home designs have appeared lately requiring highly qualified specialists for implementation and observing strict constructions rules. Thus, both governments and people have their own part of responsibility. I am firmly believed, that governments should create, regulate and develop the building codes while people must keep these rules rigorously.

Проверить пожайлуста моё сочинение и если можно то скажите на сколько оно может тянуть ?

[Vanderley]

Кстати у меня есть вопрос к бывалым. Как нужно считать количество слов в essay. Одна моя знакомая уверяет меня что считают только прилагательные, существительные и глаголы, только essential words Ни какие линкеры, наречие всчёт не идут. Также с её слов устойчивые вырожения например как In this case будет считаться как одно слово. Есть ли это сия правда? Будте добры прокоментировать кто точно знает ответ. Иначе мне придётся реально добовлять много доп. инфо в своих сочинениях

Неправда это. Считаются все слова включая предлоги и артикли.
Сдавал уже пять раз. Предпоследний раз получил 7.5 вписавшись почти точно в 250 слов. Если бы то, что говорит ваша знакомая было правдой, то у меня бы было -1 балл, а то эссе поверьте на 8.5 не тянуло.

Ну и да, неоднократно видел в различных источниках правила подсчета и везде говорилось, что считаются все слова.

[sergey_mak]

Цитата:
Сообщение от sergey_mak
Добрый день!
Посмотрите, пожалуйста, мое эссе. Покритикуйте.
Заранее спасибо за Ваше внимание.

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.


In today’s world the competition is very high. Even in childhood children need to compete with each other. The argument that a sence of competition in children should be encouraged is a subject that is both supported and refuted by many. Both sides of this argument will be analyzed before a reasoned conclusion is drawn.
Firstly, it is easy to see that the sooner a child understands what competition is, the more success he will reach. For example, classmates who have showen themselves as excellent pupils at school, get better opportunities in their future. Because of this, it is easy to see why the argument that children’s competition should be encouraged by parents and teachers has garnered support
However, on the other side of this argument, it must be rememberd that the other side of competition is co-operation. For example, it is known that a team can do significantly more than their members separately. Thus, this makes it clear why the argument that cooperation should be encouraged from childhood is also supported by many people.
In summary, both sides of the argument regarding the encouragment some specific qualities in children have strong support. However, after analyzing both points of view it is clear that only the mix of competition and co-operation leads to success. As such, it is clear that nowadays a person cannot successfully compete with a team, but this team have to compete with other group of people. Thus, parents and teachers should encourage competition and co-operation at the same time.
__________________
IELTS 19.03.11 - L8 R9 W6 S6.5
IELTS 25.06.11 - L8 R9 W7 S7.5
IELTS 24.09.11 - L7 R7.5 W6.5 S7.5
IELTS 10.12.11 - L7.5 R8 W7.5 S8

Vanderley
Спасибо за Ваши корректировки.
Не могли бы еще оценить на какой примерно бал данное эссе могло бы претендовать? Может быть есть какие-либо пожелания, кроме выделенных по структуре или вокабуляру?

[Vanderley]

Safety standards are important when building people’s homes who should be responsible for enforcing strict building codes. The governments or the people who build the homes.

Nowadays, building of new constructions in big cities and mega policies has increased considerably all over the world for the past decades. It could be explained by growing in number of population and the economics development of many counties. But at the same time certain safety requirements have been appeared in this field of industry. In this case, there is a debate who should be responsible for the code observance ensuring safety and reliability of buildings.

The main target of building guidelines is to determinate the minimum of demands for safety, health and wellbeing providing of people. That is why, usually governments with the help of special organizations create and regulate building laws giving appropriate permissions for construction in suitable places, controlling strictly material using and inspecting the quality of work. Besides, government should make changes in codes with emerging of new modern technologies and materials. Obviously, local authorities must regulate the process of building thoroughly as it is connected with the safety of people’s life, especially during the construction of skyline and dwelling houses.

On the other hand people should also take the responsibility. Despite the existing rules and laws there are some people who neglect or infringe safety standards using cheaper and poor quality building materials. Besides while building private houses owners often invite little-qualified workers to get into restricted budget in spite of high quality design and calculations. What is more such private constructions are not inspected thoroughly. Unfortunately it leads to negative consequences like cracks and eventually to the failure of constructions and human victims. Therefore, people should understand the importance of following safety standards.

In conclusion I would like to stress that modern building industry is becoming more complicated from year to year. Sophisticated and unusual home designs have appeared lately requiring highly qualified specialists for implementation and observing strict constructions rules. Thus, both governments and people have their own part of responsibility. I am firmly believed, that governments should create, regulate and develop the building codes while people must keep these rules rigorously.

Проверить пожайлуста моё сочинение и если можно то скажите на сколько оно может тянуть ?

Я Вам ставлю диагноз - проблема с таск ачивментом Очень популярная тут проблема. Если не знать темы и выбросить тезис, то вообще нельзя будет понять на какой вопрос вы отвечали.

Вторая проблема - связность, а более конкретно линкинг вордс, которые вы неправильно используете. Вот вам пример. Первый абзац:
увеличилось строительство. объясняется ростом ... НО В ТОЖЕ ВРЕМЯ. Я не понимаю с чего вдруг НО и откуда В ТО ЖЕ ВРЕМЯ.

Идём далее. Вокабуляр. Много хорошей формальной лексики. Но используете вы её зачастую неправильно. Возьмём второе предложение вступления - как вам например by growing in number of population или economics development of many counties. И такого довольно много и есть посерьёзнее.

Грамматика. Два злых ляпа:

• safety requirements have been appeared
• I am firmly believed

Оценку я вам ставить не буду. Но общее впечатление слабенькое. Эссе читается очень трудно из-за накрученных предложений при неумелом использовании лексики и грамматических конструкий.

Две вещи на которые я бы вам советовал обратить внимание в первую очередь это:

• Раскрытие вопроса задания. Для того, чтобы не было таких ляпов как у вас в этом эссе, ответьте сначала на вопрос коротко. Например, я считаю что отвечать за безопасность строительства должны и государства и фирмы занимающиеся строительством жилья. Дальше объясните себе почему вы так считаете и вот у вас небольшой план на руках.
• Структуру параграфов. Будьте аккуратны с линкинг вордс. Чтобы не было ляпов, используйте какую-либо проверенную структуру. Например, топик сентенс -> пример -> джастификейшн -> вывод. Для введения и заключения естественно свои.

Как-то так.

[Vanderley]

Vanderley
Спасибо за Ваши корректировки.
Не могли бы еще оценить на какой примерно бал данное эссе могло бы претендовать? Может быть есть какие-либо пожелания, кроме выделенных по структуре или вокабуляру?

Оценку я вам не скажу, не умею я ставить оценки. Но общее впечатление очень даже неплохое. Я бы на вашем месте сделал боди пэрэграфс побольше, потому как у вас слишком быстро всё получается - только мысль сформулировали и сразу вывод.

[AMD]

Я Вам ставлю диагноз - проблема с таск ачивментом Очень популярная тут проблема. Если не знать темы и выбросить тезис, то вообще нельзя будет понять на какой вопрос вы отвечали.

Вторая проблема - связность, а более конкретно линкинг вордс, которые вы неправильно используете. Вот вам пример. Первый абзац:
увеличилось строительство. объясняется ростом ... НО В ТОЖЕ ВРЕМЯ. Я не понимаю с чего вдруг НО и откуда В ТО ЖЕ ВРЕМЯ.

Идём далее. Вокабуляр. Много хорошей формальной лексики. Но используете вы её зачастую неправильно. Возьмём второе предложение вступления - как вам например by growing in number of population или economics development of many counties. И такого довольно много и есть посерьёзнее.

Грамматика. Два злых ляпа:

• safety requirements have been appeared
• I am firmly believed

Оценку я вам ставить не буду. Но общее впечатление слабенькое. Эссе читается очень трудно из-за накрученных предложений при неумелом использовании лексики и грамматических конструкий.

Две вещи на которые я бы вам советовал обратить внимание в первую очередь это:

• Раскрытие вопроса задания. Для того, чтобы не было таких ляпов как у вас в этом эссе, ответьте сначала на вопрос коротко. Например, я считаю что отвечать за безопасность строительства должны и государства и фирмы занимающиеся строительством жилья. Дальше объясните себе почему вы так считаете и вот у вас небольшой план на руках.
• Структуру параграфов. Будьте аккуратны с линкинг вордс. Чтобы не было ляпов, используйте какую-либо проверенную структуру. Например, топик сентенс -> пример -> джастификейшн -> вывод. Для введения и заключения естественно свои.

Как-то так.

Спасибо примем к сведенью!

[sergey_mak]

Vanderley,
Спасибо. Буду тогда в том же духе с учетом замечаний.

[runk]

Рискну и я. Тема с нескольких страниц назад.

The exploration and development of safe alternatives to fossil fuels should be the most important global priority today. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Over the last century humankind has exploited an enormous amount of fossil fuels such as gas, oil and coal. At these days our civilization experienced shortage in energy because of various causes and it is undoubtedly that renewable energy sources should be introduces as soon as possible. Although many argue that our society do not have to worry, it is universally agreed that matter of eco energy is vital in present situation. This will be proven by analyzing both pollution from existing fuel types and economical benefits from newly developed sources.

First of all, main concern about carbon type of fuel is that produces extremely high amount of ash, acid and carbon monoxide. It is proved by scientists that exhaust of powerplants causes huge damage to earth’s nature, and to be more specific, to forests. Therefore, this argument clearly illustrates bad impact of existing approach and shows a crucial need for environmental friendly fuel.

Furthermore, another substantial argument in favor of renewable sources of energy is economical advantage. Availability and access to mineral resources, mostly oil, plays major role in political and economical programs of governments. Chasing for resources causing wars in some cases and leads to complete devastation in whole regions. It is obvious that we can eliminate such situations by using new sources of energy such as nuclear or solar power.

In conclusion, taking into account arguments outlined above, I am strongly believe that officials should definitely invest relatively high amount of money and labour power in solving this issue. Despite some drawbacks it is evident that this course of action is absolutely correct.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Рискну и я. Тема с нескольких страниц назад.

The exploration and development of safe alternatives to fossil fuels should be the most important global priority today. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Over the last century humankind has exploited an enormous amount of fossil fuels such as gas, oil and coal. At these days our civilization experienced shortage in energy because of various causes and it is undoubtedly that renewable energy sources should be introduces as soon as possible. Although many argue that our society do not have to worry, it is universally agreed that matter of eco energy is vital in present situation. This will be proven by analyzing both pollution from existing fuel types and economical benefits from newly developed sources.

Generally speaking, I won't give this essay more than 6.5, and I only read the 1st paragraph, i.e. the Introductory paragraph. First of all, there are quite a few basic mistakes, which you shouldn't be doing if aiming at 7, and secondly, you are already desplaying problems with coherence/cohesion.

Over the last century humankind has exploited an enormous amount of fossil fuels such as gas, oil and coal. At these days (Runglish?) our civilization experienced (Tense) shortage in energy (really? We have blackouts because there's no adequate energy supply? Anyway, the/a shortage of energy vs. shortage in energy supply) because of various causes (??? -> reasons) and it is undoubtedly (word form -> adjective) that renewable energy sources should be introduces (Verb Form) as soon as possible. Although many argue that our society do (Verb Form) not have to worry, it is universally agreed that matter (???) of eco energy (???) is vital in present situation.

This will be proven by analyzing both pollution from existing fuel types and economical (economic vs. economical) benefits from newly developed sources. - Where does the idea of pollution come from and why do you have to analyze it? There's nothing about pollution in the previous sentences. In fact, you're talking about the shortage in energy (whatever this means!) - Also, if you are analyzing pollution why do you compare this to economical benefits. I don't think these two are comparable, do you? From my point of view, it's like comparing say pollution from cars to revenue collected from public transport users

Now, if you just read the last paragraph, you will notice that a reader would have no idea what you're talking about. This is probably the most important paragraph of an essay and yet you never even mention the problem! There are some other problems with the Conclusion, of course, e.g. excessive use of meaningless words and grammar problems (I am believe).

[runk]

Большое спасибо за критику, буду стараться дальше! Со структурой действительно я намудрил..

[Goran Dražić]

runk, in addition to Maimiti_Isabella's comments, I would like to point out the following:

• Try to avoid personal pronouns wherever possible.
• Take a look at the punctuation rules. The majority of them are extremely easy. So why not learn them. Prepositional phrases, complex and compound sentences, conditionals, basic linking words.
• Pay attention to the differences between British and American spelling. As far as I know, they won't punish you for using American English unless you use both American and British in you writing. You don't have to know all differences; study at least some patterns: -or vs -our, -ize vs ise.

Hope my comments will be useful.

[Vanderley]

Всем привет,
только что получио результаты своей последней сдачи в Киеве и спешу ими поделиться. Опять не хватило совсем немного, однако получился прогресс в трёх частях и небольшой регресс в спикинге.

В этот раз на райтинге использовао стратегию Maria Mirabell. Включил тезис и аутлайн, в конце каждого абзаца писал связь с тезисом, в заключении перефразированный тезис. Поставили мне за райтинг долгожданную 8ку, чему очень рад Так как разница с предыдущей сдачей всего пол балла, не берусь утверждать, что это именно из-за чудо подхода. Однако совершенно точно могу сказать, что когда имеешь в голове чёткое представление о роли большинства предложений, пишется гораздо быстрее и остаётся достаточно времени чтобы проверить. В этот раз в результате проверки выловио порядка 10 ошибок, описок и всего остального. Думаю это тоже сыграло свою роль.

Вот такие вот дела. Ухожу учить запоротый спикинг. Как я умудрился наговорить на 7 не знаю, тема была про кино. Зло