My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[tour1st]

Я согласна: 6 но не более.

Над чем следует работать?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Над чем следует работать?

Прежде всего словарным запасом, чтобы, например, не повторять the wording of the essay topic:

*

One day the oil and gas reserves will run out.

These days thousands of people are worried about finding new sources of energy since oil and gas will soon run out

*

The search for alternative energy sources like wind power, solar power, burning waste,

Alternative energy sources have already been introduced and ..

Вы на этом теряете баллы, так как 1) не демонстрируете хороший словарный запас и 2) снижаете количество слов (слова, повторяющие формулировку темы, не засчитываются). Надо либо перефразировать, либо использовать синонимы.

alternative energy sources:
alternative sources of energy
renewable energy
environmentally-friendly energy

Примеры других ошибок (много всякой необ'яснимой мелочи. Pattern пока неуловила )

*

and being examined.

Where's the subject and the finite verb? What or who is/are being examined?

*

as harmful for the environment as fossil fuelS

*

They are about to introduce better economic opportunities, (comma!) as well as a decrease of nature’s exploitation (what happens with a decrease of.... - is it introduced?)

Those are just some of the problems. Please note, I haven't read the second essay and as far as the IELTS scoring is concerned, my opinion is based on this one only.

[tour1st]

Прежде всего словарным запасом, чтобы, например, не повторять the wording of the essay topic:

*


*


Вы на этом теряете баллы, так как 1) не демонстрируете хороший словарный запас и 2) снижаете количество слов (слова, повторяющие формулировку темы, не засчитываются). Надо либо перефразировать, либо использовать синонимы.

alternative energy sources:
alternative sources of energy
renewable energy
environmentally-friendly energy

Примеры других ошибок (много всякой необ'яснимой мелочи. Pattern пока неуловила )

*
Where's the subject and the finite verb? What or who is/are being examined?

*
*

Those are just some of the problems. Please note, I haven't read the second essay and as far as the IELTS scoring is concerned, my opinion is based on this one only.

Большое спасибо, исправлюсь

[Эсмеральда]

"There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?"

At all times people liked listening to music. I think, we can't find a person who doesn't like music, because it makes our life more marvelous, happier, brighter. Sometimes we choose a slow calming melody, when we are in a bad mood. So, music is capable to show our mood to other people and it's a good way to improve it. Traditionaly music of every country comes to us from ages. This music is full with deep thoughts about life, about environment. The songs have been composed not for profit but for soul.

In our days the situation has changed a lot. There are many singers who want to be famous and wealthy. It's a single reason why they are in showbisiness. And they think about money more than about quality of their work. It seems to me, that it's a big problem for our society, and this problem we need to solve as soon as possible, because the results of this creative work are senseless songs,immorality of our community, espessialy of the young generation.

Particulary children suffer from modern music . Frequently, they listen to the senseless and empty songs from their childhood. I would argue that kind of music we can call as songs for a day. So, it would be better, if our children from their young age were taught to have a good musical taste. In kindergarten special music lessons help then to learn about classical work, or instrumental tunes.

Generally speaking, people should understand, that music shouldn't be only for earning money. If we give a chance to our children to discover world of different music and can rais the music culture, so the next generation won't be able to listen to the songs for one day and that kind of business will disappeare.

In conclusion I want to say that music is importantin in our life and it should be a life's teacher. Then up-bringin our children with s good musical taste, we could return creating beautiful and life-assorting songs.


пожалуйста оцените, в чем слабые стороны, соответствует ли структура, содержание, сколько возможно получить баллов.

[F&#111&#110<b></b>T<b></b>&#61&quot][/FONT]

[Pale Fire]

Эсмеральда, к сожалению, это эссе содержит множество ошибок в каждом предложении. Не думаю, что вы получили бы за него больше 5. Могу посоветовать отложить на время работу над эссе и сосредоточиться на повышении общего уровня владения английским.

[Эсмеральда]

спасибо, мне важно узнать ваше мнение

[Эсмеральда]

Эсмеральда, к сожалению, это эссе содержит множество ошибок в каждом предложении. Не думаю, что вы получили бы за него больше 5. Могу посоветовать отложить на время работу над эссе и сосредоточиться на повышении общего уровня владения английским.

Вам не сложно указать хотя бы на некоторые ошибки.

[Pale Fire]

Вам не сложно указать хотя бы на некоторые ошибки.

At all times (1) people liked listening to music. I think, (2) we can't (3) find a person who doesn't (4) like music, because it makes our life more marvelous (5), happier, brighter. Sometimes we choose a slow calming melody, when we are in a bad mood. So, music is capable to show our mood to other people and it's (6) a good way to improve it (7). Traditionaly ( music of every country comes to us from ages (9). This music is full with (10) deep thoughts about life, about environment. The songs have been composed not for profit but for soul.

(1) Поправьте меня, если я ошибаюсь, но в английском фраза "at all times" значит не то же, что в русском "во все времена". Мне кажется, что она не подходит сюда по смыслу. Кроме того, после вводной фразы принято ставить запятую.
(2) А здесь запятая не нужна.
(3) Не рекомендуется использовать краткие формы в эссе. Надо cannot.
(4) does not
(5) Не может быть "more marvelous", так как "marvelous" изначально значит "изумительный", "чудесный" и сравнительной степени не имеет.
(6) it is
(7) непонятно, к чему относится it. То есть, мне понятно, но предложение читается с трудом.
( Traditionally, а еще после этого слова нужна запятая.
(9) непонятен смысл здесь слова "ages"
(10) full of

Простите, разобрала только первый абзац, и наверняка заметила не все ошибки. Если говорить о формате экзамена, то оценка была бы невысокой еще и из-за "по-русски" построенных предложений и слишком простой лексики.

[Divo]

At all times (1) people liked listening to music. I think, (2) we can't (3) find a person who doesn't (4) like music, because it makes our life more marvelous (5), happier, brighter. Sometimes we choose a slow calming melody, when we are in a bad mood. So, music is capable to show our mood to other people and it's (6) a good way to improve it (7). Traditionaly ( music of every country comes to us from ages (9). This music is full with (10) deep thoughts about life, about environment. The songs have been composed not for profit but for soul.

(1) Поправьте меня, если я ошибаюсь, но в английском фраза "at all times" значит не то же, что в русском "во все времена". Мне кажется, что она не подходит сюда по смыслу. Кроме того, после вводной фразы принято ставить запятую.
(2) А здесь запятая не нужна.
(3) Не рекомендуется использовать краткие формы в эссе. Надо cannot.
(4) does not
(5) Не может быть "more marvelous", так как "marvelous" изначально значит "изумительный", "чудесный" и сравнительной степени не имеет.
(6) it is
(7) непонятно, к чему относится it. То есть, мне понятно, но предложение читается с трудом.
( Traditionally, а еще после этого слова нужна запятая.
(9) непонятен смысл здесь слова "ages"
(10) full of

Простите, разобрала только первый абзац, и наверняка заметила не все ошибки. Если говорить о формате экзамена, то оценка была бы невысокой еще и из-за "по-русски" построенных предложений и слишком простой лексики.

От себя немного добавлю:

music is capable to show - это герундий, так что наиболее употребительная форма будет music is capable of V-ing (V - это глагол).

It's a single reason why they are in showbisiness - single -> main, showbisiness -> show business

It seems to me, that - перед that в этом случае запятая не нужна

a big problem for our society - problem -> issue, matter (просто для того, чтобы разнообразить лексику), of our society

and this problem we need to solve - нарушен порядок слов в предложении, тут может быть два варианта: либо this problem should be resolved (passive voice), либо we should resolve this problem (active voice)

Ну и т.д. Идеи интересные, но я бы на Вашем месте в первую очередь обратила внимание на лексику и грамматику (т.е. общий инглиш), а потом уже переходила к написанию эссе.

[SunRise]

Здравствуйте. По возможности, оцените мое творение. Writing у меня вообще самое слабое место. Если с остальными дисциплинами "что-то где-то", но райтинг у меня идет только из-под палки. Понимаю, что это очень важная часть, а сесть и начать писать - не могу и все. Масса супер-пупер важных дел всегда находится. Страшно что ли? По-любому, надо когда-то начать.
Тему взял отсюда - http://www.gday.ru/forum/ielts/10077...ml#post2500751
Писал без ограничений по времени. Наверное, с час. Вообще-то я хочу получить не ниже 7, но одного желания, безусловно, мало.
Итак:


You borrowed some books from your friend and accidently damaged them. Write him a letter- apologies,explain how it happed, offer to do something.

Hi mate!
If you have not forgot, I took some your telecommunication literature last year and promise to return them as far as possible. Last weekend I have tried to fulfil my assurance. I had collected all books to one package and put them on the table at our hall. And was going to visit you that evening to get back literature to you. And went to my work. The same day my wife had to visit her doctor and invited my mother to look after our little son. After all, while my mother played with our baby, mother's little dog tried to study your books... And he had done. So your books look like heap of broken paper. I was really shocked by result of little dog working. What can I say except I am sorry! I know it was very useful documentation...

How can I restore my fault? I tried to found the same books, but only 5 out of 10 now available at the shops. Of cause I have bought them. Other of them are in internet electronically. They also had downloaded and written to DVD. This weekend we going to make BBQ. We would love if you and your wife could come on Sunday at 3 p.m. At the same time, I will return books to you.

Anyway, there is no excuse for me and, especially, for mother's dog, but I hope you will forgive me.

With best regards

[Pale Fire]

Здравствуйте. По возможности, оцените мое творение. Writing у меня вообще самое слабое место. Если с остальными дисциплинами "что-то где-то", но райтинг у меня идет только из-под палки. Понимаю, что это очень важная часть, а сесть и начать писать - не могу и все. Масса супер-пупер важных дел всегда находится. Страшно что ли? По-любому, надо когда-то начать.
Тему взял отсюда - http://www.gday.ru/forum/ielts/10077...ml#post2500751
Писал без ограничений по времени. Наверное, с час. Вообще-то я хочу получить не ниже 7, но одного желания, безусловно, мало.

Если разрешите, укажу на несколько ошибок:


Hi mate!
If you have not forgot (1), I took some (2) your telecommunication literature last year and promise (3) to return them as far (4) as possible. Last weekend I have tried to fulfil (5) my assurance (6). I had collected all books to one package and put them on the table at (7) our hall. And was going to visit you that evening to get back literature to you. And went to my work. The same day my wife had to visit her doctor and invited my mother to look after our little son. After all (8.), while my mother played (9) with our baby, mother's little dog tried to study your books... And he had done (10). So your books look like heap of broken paper (11). I was really shocked by (12) result of (13) little dog (14) working (15). What can I say except I am sorry! I know it was very useful documentation...

How can I restore (16) my fault? I tried to found the same books, but only 5 out of 10 now available at the shops. Of cause I have bought them. Other of them (17) are in (18.) internet electronically (19). They also had downloaded and written to DVD (20). This weekend we (21) going to make (22) BBQ. We would love if you and your wife could come on Sunday at 3 p.m. At the same time, I will return books to you.

Anyway, there is no excuse for me and, especially, for mother's dog, but I hope you will forgive me.

With best regards

(1) forget – forgot – forgotten (здесь нужна третья форма)
(2) some of your...
(3) У вас предыдущий глагол в Past Simple, а этот в Present Simple – несоответствие.
(4) as soon as possible
(5) fulfill
(6) Лучше просто promise
(7) in our hall
(8.) After all переводится как «в конечном счете», «как ни крути». Сюда это выражение не подходит по смыслу. Может, at last – наконец?
(9) while my mother was playing...
(10) Предложение выглядит незаконченным. He had done what? И почему в Past perfect? Не думаю, что это время здесь уместно.
(11) Я бы сказала torn paper
(12) the
(13) the
(14) dog’s
(15) work или doing
(16) compensate for
(17) Others are
(18.) the
(19) in electronic form. Electronically – наречие, означающее «электронно»
(20) Это предложение не поняла.
(21) We are going – Present Continuous
(22) we are going for a BBQ
(23) At the same time в качестве вводной фразы означает «наряду с этим», «тем не менее». Здесь лучше использовать then.

[inside]

эссе

Добрый день, проверьте, пожалуйста и мое эссе.. пока еще только пишу первые работы.. кстати, может кто-нибудь поделится опытом быстрого написания эссе,так как все никак не могу вложиться в нужное время... как оптимизировать свою работу?..Спасибо.

Computer games or outdoor sports.

Children today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. It would be better for them to be outside playing sports and taking part in more traditional pastimes than spending all day indoors.
Do you agree or disagree with this statement?


Nowadays there is a personal computer in almost every house. It became like a part of family and a lot of young people can not live without one. Spending much time at the video games is a harmful habit, which has a chance to lead to problems in the health. People in our society have different points of view at this complex issue.
As for me, it is very useful to play with peers outdoor. Football, basketball and other mobile games have a very beneficial influence on the health of our children. Also, outdoor actions, definitely, help to develop some helpful life skills. It goes without saying that the fresh air always influences positively on people. Moreover, youngsters, socializing with friends, get opportunity to establish in their environment. It is so nice to find reliable friends and go step by step, overcoming all obstacles and joy together.
Nevertheless, we must consider this problem from another angle. Computer games are not always harm for a growing up body. They can teach many various knowledges and skills, which will be useful in the future life and at a job. For instance, people, who liked to play computer games, used the Internet or simply spent time at the PC, in adulthood had a high opportunity to find a work in same specialty.
One could draw the conclusion we must understand that our world evolutes constantly and computer skills are the necessity for all citizens in every country. But from other side, the health is the best wealth. I guess, parents should find a middle way in raising their children and we will have smart, healthy and competitive new generation.

[Эсмеральда]

Идеи интересные, но я бы на Вашем месте в первую очередь обратила внимание на лексику и грамматику (т.е. общий инглиш), а потом уже переходила к написанию эссе.

Спасибо всем за критику, английским я конечно занимаюсь, понимаю что еще далека от идеала, но стремлюсь. Просто написала несколько пробных эссе, а эта тема с музыкой напрягла. Но у меня есть еще эссе, мне кажется оно получше, тем более я его снова перечитала и постаралась максимально увидеть прошлые ошибки. Вопрос тот же, на сколько баллов потянет это и удалось ли мне немного улучшить?


It’s inevitable that as technology develops, so traditional cultures must be lost. Technology and traditions are incompatible – you cannot have both together. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

In our modern world we cannot imagine our home without a microwave, TV, and Internet. Modern technology invaded our life in early 20th century. To some extend the traditions of our grandmothers have left there. Nevertheless, the legacy of the older generation can help solve some problems in our modern world.
From one side, most of contemporary people could not live without comfort. They want to have a flat with utilities, to drive a nice car to get to work, to travel while on vacation. Our standards of living let us do it.
An important invention of the last century is the World Wide Web. In our days, most of us can connect to the internet and receive information and news from all over the world in seconds. But from the other side, technology makes our world more polluted from year to year. As a result of modern way of living, there are many traffic jams in the city and factories, which polluted the air. We do not want to waste time cooking, so we prefer to eat fast food, which is often unhealthy.
If we called our ancestors, we understand they lived alongside the nature but not against it. Of course, they had not many conveniences in their lives, but they communicated with each other. A good illustration of that is that they spent more time with their families and friends. They knew everything about their neighbours and always were ready to help them. In our society we have TV and computer that take our evenings, so usually we do not know anything about people who live near us. Sometimes we have no time to even talk to our family members.
To summarize all what was written above, we can conclude that our modern society cannot exist without technology. The technology makes our life easier, more comfortable and more interesting, but we should not forget about traditions of the older generation because they keep the wisdom of centuries.

[SunRise]

Если разрешите, укажу на несколько ошибок:


Hi mate!
If you have not forgot (1), I took some (2) your telecommunication literature last year and promise (3) to return them as far (4) as possible. Last weekend I have tried to fulfil (5) my assurance (6). I had collected all books to one package and put them on the table at (7) our hall. And was going to visit you that evening to get back literature to you. And went to my work. The same day my wife had to visit her doctor and invited my mother to look after our little son. After all (8.), while my mother played (9) with our baby, mother's little dog tried to study your books... And he had done (10). So your books look like heap of broken paper (11). I was really shocked by (12) result of (13) little dog (14) working (15). What can I say except I am sorry! I know it was very useful documentation...

How can I restore (16) my fault? I tried to found the same books, but only 5 out of 10 now available at the shops. Of cause I have bought them. Other of them (17) are in (18.) internet electronically (19). They also had downloaded and written to DVD (20). This weekend we (21) going to make (22) BBQ. We would love if you and your wife could come on Sunday at 3 p.m. At the same time, I will return books to you.

Anyway, there is no excuse for me and, especially, for mother's dog, but I hope you will forgive me.

With best regards

(1) forget – forgot – forgotten (здесь нужна третья форма)
(2) some of your...
(3) У вас предыдущий глагол в Past Simple, а этот в Present Simple – несоответствие.
(4) as soon as possible
(5) fulfill
(6) Лучше просто promise
(7) in our hall
(8.) After all переводится как «в конечном счете», «как ни крути». Сюда это выражение не подходит по смыслу. Может, at last – наконец?
(9) while my mother was playing...
(10) Предложение выглядит незаконченным. He had done what? И почему в Past perfect? Не думаю, что это время здесь уместно.
(11) Я бы сказала torn paper
(12) the
(13) the
(14) dog’s
(15) work или doing
(16) compensate for
(17) Others are
(18.) the
(19) in electronic form. Electronically – наречие, означающее «электронно»
(20) Это предложение не поняла.
(21) We are going – Present Continuous
(22) we are going for a BBQ
(23) At the same time в качестве вводной фразы означает «наряду с этим», «тем не менее». Здесь лучше использовать then.

Ну что тут сказать.... Блин, те же ошибки! Читаю ваши правки и, в основном, понимаю, что написал бы аналогично, если бы еще раз проверил перед тем, как "сдавать работу".
(20) должно было значить, что [Часть книг есть в инете в электронном виде.] Они все также скачаны и записаны на ДВД-шную болванку.
Видимо, предложение (если вообще не бОльшая часть письма) написано-таки на рунглише (русское предложение в котором тупо русские слова заменены английскими).
Дебильная привычка строить замысловатые фразы на русском прорывается и в английский!
Ведь можно было вообще вместо

Other of them are in internet electronically. They also had downloaded and written to DVD

написать просто

Other are in the internet in electronic form. I have found them and written down to the DVD.

Pale Fire, огромное спасибо! По полочкам разложили. Мда... Есть над чем думать.

З.Ы. И это я только простейшее письмо писал! А что будет с эссе? ТРЕНИРОВАТЬСЯ! и перечитывать, что написал.

З.З.Ы.
6 - просто решил синоним использовать, а то promise в соседних предложениях....
12, 13, 18 - это вообще любимая ошибка

Еще раз ОГРОМЕННОЕ СПАСИБО!

[SunRise]

Добрый день всем!
Оцените пожалуйста еще одно мое произведение. Эссе.
Было бы полезно увидеть свои ошибки.
Я постарался учесть то, на что мне любезно указала Pale Fire

Тему взял оттуда же - http://www.gday.ru/forum/ielts/10077...ml#post2500751

Скажу сразу, при написании я особенно опирался на творчество господина Goran Dražić. Нравится мне его стиль. Нет, я ничего у него не списывал конечно. Разве, 4-й пункт плана.

They say that a person should change career at least once in life. Do you agree or disagree?


Вот у меня тут возникло некоторое непонимание. О чем идет речь?

1. Хорошо ли всю жизнь проработать “на одном заводе” вообще (с карьерным ростом, типа – начал слесарем, а сейчас уже целый начальник цеха)?
2. Хорошо ли всю жизнь проработать “на одном заводе” все тем же “слесарем 3-го разряда”?
3. Хорошо ли всю жизнь работать слесарем вообще (на любом заводе)?

Я долго думал и выбрал 1-й вариант.


Plan:

1. Intro. And my opinion – agree;
2. Growing together with “native” company – development is stopping. Bad for person, bad for company;
3. Loosing “sense of market” while stay at the same place;
4. Conclusion.

Essay:


As far as people have to take some duties at some place, we will have question necessarily – how long person should work at the same place to be useful as for his own, as for company? I believe, that person should change that, at least time to time. This viewpoint has some reasons I will talk about below.


First of all, if the person works at the same place much time, some day he will know enough to fulfil his duties. And he will no need to get another knowledges. Of cause, person will improve his existing skills, but will not get some new. So he will be able to do only his usual work. His development will stop. Any changes will have fatal results, as for the person, as for the company, person working at. Company will need to renew some processes, but worker in according to his mental inertia, could not be able to accept that changes. So that worker will have to change workplace. A it will create other problems – with looking for new job.


When person works at the same place much time, he does not observe employment market. He does not know current requirements, he could not compete with more flexible candidates. His brain can not accept new knowledges. After all he will lost any chances to find job...


To sum up, I am sure, that progress should be in any job. If you fill any stagnation in you development, change your environment, job for instance. And have no doubts about that.