My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Спасибо за пояснения. Я так и думала.

У меня еще один вопрос, конкретно к Вам. Полина не разглядела в моем эссе мое мнение, что наталкивает на мысль, что возможно и экзаменаторы не разберутся. Поэтому может мне как-то менее завуалированно свое мнение выражать? Но тогда придется употребить первое лицо и клеше, типа I believe, I am inclined to believe etc., чего хотелось бы избежать. Или все-таки можно писать так, как я это сделала?

У меня проблем с этим нет. Скорее наоборот.

[Dolly]

Ребята, тоже прошу оценить мое сочинение.
Задание: Under British and Australian laws a jury in a criminal case has no access to information about the defendant's past criminal record. This protects the person who is being accused of the crime. Some lawyers have suggested that this practice should be changed and that a jury should be given all the past facts before they reach their decision about the case.
Do you agree or disagree?

In the United Kingdom and Australia there are laws that prohibit a jury from having an access to the defendant's past criminal record. But some lawyers are sure that this law is incorrect, because a jury should know almost everything about the defendant's past. And i agree with them.

First of all, this is extremely important for the jury to have an access to the culprit's past, because he should know as much as possible to make a right decision. For instance, the punishment can be more severe, if a culprit has commited a crime before, it doesn't matter if it was the same type of a crime or another one. At the same time the punishment can be less strict, if it is revealed that the crime, for example, robbery, was commited for the first time and was a result of desperate poverty. The same comes for murder - maybe it was commited in order to protect oneself. Moreover, i am sure that a jury should take into account not only the defendant's past criminal record, but also his personality, education and private life. In other words, the jury should know almost everything about the culprit to make a right and fair decision.

Regarding the opposite view,it has its own positive sides - for example, by establishment of limited access to the criminal record of defendant , the government protects the privacy of his life, but i don't think that it will has a positive impact on him, because it will undoubtedly make the process more complicated and even unfair.

To conclude, i would like to say that it is obviously important to protect privacy in an appropriate way, but i do not think that it will be useful in court, moreover, it will be inevitably harmful. So I am completely sure that a jury should have all possible information about the defendant's past criminal record.

Знаю,что очень много слов - 315, что не есть хорошо. Длинные, тяжелые предложения. И одна идея,размазанная на все сочинение. Написано впопыхах, ибо как обычно с трудом успевала управиться за час. Больше всего волнует вопрос - тянет ли сочинение на 6? Очень нужно получить именно этот балл, никак не ниже. Однако, сильно переживаю за writing. Боюсь,не вытяну.
Если плохо,подскажите, как исправить. Экзамен 27.10.
Заранее благодарю.

[Polina_K]

Ребята, тоже прошу оценить мое сочинение.

Знаю,что очень много слов - 315, что не есть хорошо. Длинные, тяжелые предложения. И одна идея,размазанная на все сочинение. Написано впопыхах, ибо как обычно с трудом успевала управиться за час. Больше всего волнует вопрос - тянет ли сочинение на 6? Очень нужно получить именно этот балл, никак не ниже. Однако, сильно переживаю за writing. Боюсь,не вытяну.
Если плохо,подскажите, как исправить. Экзамен 27.10.
Заранее благодарю.

Многовато пунктуационных ошибок. Так что, рекомендую ознакомиться с правилами, например, здесь
The Purdue OWL: Punctuation

Нужно избегать сокращений типа doesn't и слов разговорного стиля "maybe" (лучше probably, perhaps)

Со словарным запасом, по-моему ок

С артиклями ещё хорошо поработать.

Местоимение I пишется прописной буквой (большой)

Мне кажется, у вас есть все шансы получить 6

[Dolly]

Спасибо большое!
Про сокращения помню,но постоянно забываюсь.С maybe тоже,кстати,вы правы.
Про I не знала,буду знать.
Но вот с артиклями точно проблема

[SunRise]

Всем привет. Памятуя свои предыдущие провальные эссе, решил начать с письма. Гляньте, пожалуйста, на что мне следует обратить внимание. Я без всякого времени писал. В словарь пару раз глянул.
Задание взял из Objective IELTS Intermediate Work Book, General training writing task 1, page 45

An English-speaking friend is coming to study at your college next year and has written asking for information and advice.
Write letter to your friend. In your letter:

• give advice about accommodation in the town;
• describe the best thing about the college;
• offer to show your friend around the college.

Write at least 150 words.
You do not need write any address.
Begin your letter as follow:
Dear ….

Dear John,
I am very glad to know that you are going to study in our college! It it the best choice you could do!
The previous letter you asked me some questions. I try to answer to some of them.
First of all, I would be want to prevent you from housing near the college. Our college is in the centre of the city, in two minutes from the underground station. Bus, trolleybus and tram station is in 50 meters from main entrance. So prices for rooms are very expensive. But if you will live in the South-West region of the city, you will have at least three advantages: cheap accommodation with perfect living condition, 15-20 minutes for road to the college by underground and 5 minutes walking to the Central Library.
Then you asked about studying in out college. Last week I have red in “State's News” newspaper that our college now in the state's Top Ten in the quality of knowledge nomination. Is not it answer to you question?
When you will arrive, I promise to make for you personal excursion to college and the city. I believe you will love our college.
See you next month!
With the best regards,
Alex.

[Esperanca]

Тут вам решать ))
В своем Academic эссэ я использовала три клише своего мнения. Правда, по структуре это было "opinion essay".



Думаю, что да, если это не затрудняет понимание того, кто читает.

Если вы ещё не читали, вот некоторые ссылки на интервью зарубежных преподавателей о подготовке к Writing и Reading, может, что-то пригодится

Интервью с IELTS экзаменатором | Elf-English.ru

IELTS Writing Secrets: советы от Erik, IELTS эксперта | Elf-English.ru

Интервью с IELTS экспертом | Elf-English.ru

Спасибо за ссылки. Просмотрела мельком, показалось, что материал будет довольно полезным. Уже начала изучать углубленно

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Всем привет. Памятуя свои предыдущие провальные эссе, решил начать с письма. Гляньте, пожалуйста, на что мне следует обратить внимание. Я без всякого времени писал. В словарь пару раз глянул.
Задание взял из Objective IELTS Intermediate Work Book, General training writing task 1, page 45

An English-speaking friend is coming to study at your college next year and has written asking for information and advice.
Write letter to your friend. In your letter:

• give advice about accommodation in the town;
• describe the best thing about the college;
• offer to show your friend around the college.

Write at least 150 words.
You do not need write any address.
Begin your letter as follow:
Dear ….

Dear John,
I am very glad to know that you are going to study in our college! It it the best choice you could do!
The previous letter you asked me some questions. I try to answer to some of them.
First of all, I would be want to prevent you from housing near the college. Our college is in the centre of the city, in two minutes from the underground station. Bus, trolleybus and tram station is in 50 meters from main entrance. So prices for rooms are very expensive. But if you will live in the South-West region of the city, you will have at least three advantages: cheap accommodation with perfect living condition, 15-20 minutes for road to the college by underground and 5 minutes walking to the Central Library.
Then you asked about studying in out college. Last week I have red in “State's News” newspaper that our college now in the state's Top Ten in the quality of knowledge nomination. Is not it answer to you question?
When you will arrive, I promise to make for you personal excursion to college and the city. I believe you will love our college.
See you next month!
With the best regards,
Alex.

The style is appropriate and you did answer the task. There are many mistakes and problems English-wise though.

know vs. learn
excursion vs. tour
do vs. make
I would be want to prevent you from housing (???) - I'd like to warn you against housing..
Top Ten in the quality of knowledge nomination (???) how can you measure 'quality of knowledge' - this is nonsense I'm afraid. Are you talking about ranking?
Is not it answer --> Isn't it / Is it not

etc

PS abbreviations are OK in this type of letters (I'll take you, you'll love it; I've read)

[SunRise]

The style is appropriate and you did answer the task. There are many mistakes and problems English-wise though.
know vs. learn
excursion vs. tour
do vs. make

Good news and bad news.
Хотя бы тему раскрыл в какой-то мере. А ошибки, точнее, неправильные слова - ну что тут сказать? Есть проблемы, буду решать

I would be want to prevent you from housing (???) - I'd like to warn you against housing..

Я решил разнообразить язык. А то все accommodation, да accommodation. Дай, думаю, синоним вляпаю. Вляпал. Мимо кассы.

Top Ten in the quality of knowledge nomination (???) how can you measure 'quality of knowledge' - this is nonsense I'm afraid. Are you talking about ranking?

Я пытался сказать про "первую десятку". Вообще, есть такой параметр 'quality of knowledge' - некая компиляция из успеваемости студентов, оснащенности ВУЗ-а, процента нашедших работу по специальности и т.д.
Ну да, конечно, это должен был быть ranking.

Is not it answer --> Isn't it / Is it not

А с этим я сам себя запутал. Сначала я правильно заменил Isn't it на Is it not, а потом решил улучшить.

etc

Думаю, что большинство моих ошибок происходит как раз из желания улучшить, разнообразить, оживить.

PS abbreviations are OK in this type of letters (I'll take you, you'll love it; I've read)

Но это же только писем касается? Т.е. в эссе я такое не напишу. Причем, думаю, не всех типов писем? Кстати, а какие типы писем (suggesting, complaining, inviting, explaining, thanking, apologising,....) могут содержать такого рода сокращения? Или тут речь идет, скорее, о адресате? Другу я могу сокращать, а официальному лицу - нет?

Огромное спасибо за то, что взяли труд разобрать мое творение. Честно говоря, меня восхищаете вы и еще несколько других форумчан, Polina_K например, именно тем, что влезаете в пучину вот таких произведений и ПРЕДМЕТНО критикуете. Я бы так не смог.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Я пытался сказать про "первую десятку". Вообще, есть такой параметр 'quality of knowledge' - некая компиляция из успеваемости студентов, оснащенности ВУЗ-а, процента нашедших работу по специальности и т.д.
Ну да, конечно, это должен был быть ranking.

No idea about Russian and Russia but even google doesn't respond to such a parameter: Google

Думаю, что большинство моих ошибок происходит как раз из желания улучшить, разнообразить, оживить.

But this is how we learn! Trial and error, isn't it?

Но это же только писем касается? Т.е. в эссе я такое не напишу. Причем, думаю, не всех типов писем? Кстати, а какие типы писем (suggesting, complaining, inviting, explaining, thanking, apologising,....) могут содержать такого рода сокращения? Или тут речь идет, скорее, о адресате? Другу я могу сокращать, а официальному лицу - нет?

Only informal letters, e.g. letters to a friend or family members.

[SunRise]

No idea about Russian and Russia but even google doesn't respond to such a parameter: Google

You are quite right! Even if such parameter exists in ex-USSR (existed in USSR), person who will check my work does not know about that. I should use international parameters and terminology.

But this is how we learn! Trial and error, isn't it?

Хых....
А вот как на этот вопрос ответить утвердительно (в смысле, конечно это плошные пробы и ошибки)?
Yes it is? No it isn't?

Only informal letters, e.g. letters to a friend or family members.

Понял. Спасибо!

[yamov]

А вот как на этот вопрос ответить утвердительно (в смысле, конечно это плошные пробы и ошибки)?
Yes it is? No it isn't?

The first variant. With a comma though.
-Yes, it is.

[SunRise]

Спасибо. Буду знать

[Maimiti_Isabella]

The first variant. With a comma though.
-Yes, it is.

Sorry to interfere but this is Runglish --> the first option

[yamov]

Sorry to interfere but this is Runglish --> the first option

Got it! Thanks.

[katero]

покритикуйте меня, пожалйста

Дорогие форумчане, покритикуйте меня, пожалуйста.

Question:

The threat of nuclear weapons maintains world peace. Nuclear power provides cheap
and clean energy.
The benefits of nuclear technology far outweigh the disadvantages.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Answer:
During XXth century a lot of important scientific discoveries were made. Thanks to Tsiolkovsky, an eminent Russian scientist, the humanity nowadays enjoys the benefits of nuclear power. However, there is a concern within a society, that improper use of the discovery may lead to catastrophic consequences.

First, a nuclear power helps to resolve the energy problem. Many countries have not any option but to use nuclear power stations to produce electricity. Consequently, this source of energy, which is also the cheapest one today, influences the level of inflation in the country, since almost every production uses an electricity. Moreover, this type of energy does not result in a pollution, which environmentalists consider to be the biggest threat to the ecology.

Secondly, governments all around the world understand the danger of a nuclear power use. For example, atomic boosts in Japan during the Second World War had resulted in a worldwide understanding, that continuing such practice would lead to the whole Earth destruction. Today it is worldwide agreed to neither exploit nuclear weapon, nor to produce it.

In contrast, critics of a nuclear power usage point out that mistakes in its peaceful exploitation may lead to catastrophic consequences. A good example of such mistakes are boosts in nuclear power stations in Tchernobyl (Ukraine) in 1986 and in Fukosima (Japan) in 2011. These accidents influenced not only local communities but rather the whole world since radiation was spread through the air to other countries far away from the place of catastrophe. Furthermore, opponents of the nuclear power usage claim, that despite the worldwide agreement, some countries still exploit nuclear weapons. Recent news inform us that Iran ignored this agreement.

To sum up, I can say that a proper use of a nuclear power might serve the humanity for peaceful targets. However, practice has shown that up until now an inadequacy and mistakes in usage still exist. And only time will show whether we all would enjoy the benefits of the discovery or would disappear as a result of nuclear power misuse.