My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Vyacheslav16]

it can achieved

it can be achieved?

[Vanderley]

it can be achieved?

Именно. Поправляю.

[Vanderley]

Some people believe that teenagers should learn all school subjects, while others claim that students should focus on the subjects that they are best at or that they are interested in. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

It seems to be getting quite common nowadays to give subject choice to students and not teach - [not to teach?] - them the whole range of disciplines at school as it used to be several decades ago. Some people believe that this subject-orientated approach benefits young generation in many ways especially in professional development, whilst others suggest that well-rounded individuals have even more career opportunities. These two opinions will be discussed in greater details below.

Looking first at the situation on labour market, one can note that most positions require years of experience in specific areas such as IT, healthcare, design, to name but a few - [убрать или such as или to name but a few.] - . Not only is the experience in demand but proper education also is need - [needed] - by default. It means if a student is interested and focused on the particular set of subjects from the very school, the probability to enter top universities would - [чего would?] - be higher. It is therefore clear that specialisation should take the precedence - [без зе] - in school and meet the student's interests.

On the other hand, most current discoveries and cutting-edge inventions are based on not only one discipline. Take, for example, bioengineering or space exploration - [точка] -they require more than one area of knowledge. Moreover, speaking about compulsory specialization it should be noted that sometimes students do not know who they want to become. In this case wrong subject could be chosen. Thus, the opposite opinion have - [has. И что такое to have place и have place to be?] - place to be since it is more critical for making new discoveries if people have a wide range of knowledge.

Personally, I am of the opinion that if youngsters have their own interest it is better to pay more attention to them - [кому им?] - during school years, however{incorrect - пункт 3} but well-rounded people are often the ones who push forward the development of mankind.

Мне кажется с task achievement'ом тут будут проблемы

Тут скорее проблемы со связностью, чем с таск ачивментом. Во-первых, экзаменатору тут от трехэтажных предложени с >30 слов крышу бы снесло. Во-вторых, даже если сесть и вдуматься в каждое предложение, не всегда прослеживается логика.

По второму пункту. Давайте ваш первый боди параграф возьмём.
Looking first at the situation on labour market, one can note that most positions require years of experience in specific areas such as IT, healthcare, design, to name but a few. Not only is the experience in demand but proper education also is need by default. - Зачем вы про опыт работы речь заводили, если вы сразу во втором предложении его кидаете не сделав ни вывода ничего вообще? - It means if a student is interested and focused on the particular set of subjects from the very school, the probability to enter top universities would be higher. - Поясните логику использования It means. Что из упомянутого ранее значит, что если студент заинтересован в предмете, то его шансы поступить лучше? На работе требуют образование и поэтому если школьнику интересен предмет, то его шансы на поступление больше? Я не понимаю Ещё, как это предложение связано с тем о чем вы раньше говорили - необходимости опыта работы и образования для работодателя? - It is therefore clear that specialisation should take the precedence in school and meet the student's interests. - тут боюсь что-то комментировать, потому что меня предыдущие предложения запутали окончательно.

[stela]

Hi guys, could you pls check my essay as well! i will really appreciate any help or advice!

Topic: Due to constant media attention, film stars, sports professionals, pop music stars and even influential political leaders have become celebrities these days.

What are the advantages and disadvantages of being in the public eye?

Luxury lives, public attention, millions of followers are all parts of the celebrities’ lives. However, being famous is not a synonym to being happy; therefore, is highly debatable topic, which do not have an unambiguous answer. Many people all over the world blindly believe that being a celebrity is beneficial as they get paid for “nothing”, have an easy life, whereas others argue that there is more disadvantages regarding to the lack of privacy, which causes celebrities only stress and depression. This essay will consider both sides of the issue, provide examples and give a conclusion.

On the one hand, famous people are not ordinary citizens, who need to worry about day-to-day problems such as working eight hours in the office, have many home responsibilities etc. they simply get paid for attending ceremonies or signing contracts with famous brands. For example, Paris Hilton earned 2 millions dollars only for attending a Chanel’s corporation dinner. Moreover, to get ready for the dinner Chanel company provided her a nice dress, professional make-up and hairdressing service.

On the other hand, all this bright and nice luxury life is just an opposite side of a daily hard work. For instance, fashion models have 12 hours per day of backstage training just to walk ones on the run during the fashion week. Another disadvantage of being famous is lack of privacy. Celebrities are also human beings who can be in a bad mood or sick. At these moments they probably would not like to be interrupted. However, they should smile to everyone. It can be very stressful and causes a depression or other serious diseases.

In conclusion, being in the public eye is not always having a life full of advantages there are also many negative aspects of that kind of life.

Thank you!

[stela]

** it is highly debatable (forgot subject)

[Vanderley]

** it is highly debatable (forgot subject)

Вы можете редактировать свои сообщения.

[stela]

Вы можете редактировать свои сообщения.

спасибо, да я уже разобралась, но было поздно! =)

[[rcf]]

to Vanderley

Looking first at the situation on labour market, one can note that most positions require years of experience in specific areas such as IT, healthcare, design, to name but a few - [убрать или such as или to name but a few.]

Если тут убрать such as то на мой взгляд выйдет не очень. Нашел пример из мэта кларка

Lack of amenities, such as water and electricity supply, waste disposal, swage treatment, to name but a few, has left no choice to urban dwellers but to resettle in the suburbs, where they have easier access to new facilities

далее...

Thus, the opposite opinion have - [has. И что такое to have place и have place to be?] - place to be

здесь скорее всего рунглиш - "Противоположное мнение имеет место быть"

Зачем вы про опыт работы речь заводили, если вы сразу во втором предложении его кидаете не сделав ни вывода ничего вообще?

когда я говорил о таск ачивмент в первую очередь имел ввиду этот изворот, который я увидел уже после написания

По второму пункту. Давайте ваш первый боди параграф возьмём.

Вообще в целом по этому абзацу, я "наворотил" конечно не плохо. В основном в погоне за сложными структурами и предложениями. Как видите выходит не очень.

[[rcf]]

Я сам чайник, поэтому пометил только те моменты, что сам знаю.

Hi guys, could you pls check my essay as well! i will really appreciate any help or advice!

Topic: Due to constant media attention, film stars, sports professionals, pop music stars and even influential political leaders have become celebrities these days.

What are the advantages and disadvantages of being in the public eye?

Luxury lives[life], public attention, millions of followers are all (*1) parts of the celebrities’ lives[life](повтор). However, being famous is not a synonym to being happy; therefore, [it?] is highly debatable topic, which do[does] not have an unambiguous answer. Many people all over the world blindly believe that being a celebrity is beneficial(beneficial what?) as they get paid for “nothing”, have an easy life, whereas others argue that there is[are] more disadvantages regarding to the lack of privacy, which causes celebrities only stress and depression[causes only stress and depression for celebrities]. This essay will consider both sides of the issue, provide examples and give a conclusion.

On the one hand(тут похоже опечатались? что-то другое должно быть), famous people are not ordinary citizens, who need to worry about day-to-day problems such as working eight hours in the office, have many home responsibilities etc(как мне кажется лучше использовать and so forth или to name but a few). they simply get paid for attending ceremonies or signing contracts with famous brands. For example, Paris Hilton earned 2 millions[million] dollars only for attending a(*2) Chanel’s corporation dinner. Moreover, to get ready for the dinner Chanel company provided her a nice dress, professional make-up and hairdressing service.

On the other hand, all this bright and nice luxury life is just an(*3) opposite side of a daily hard work(*4). For instance, fashion models have 12 hours per day of backstage training just to walk ones [??] on the run during the fashion week. Another disadvantage of being famous(4ый раз за все эссе) is lack of privacy. Celebrities are also human beings who can be in a bad mood or sick. At these moments they probably would not like to be interrupted. However, they should smile to everyone. It can be very stressful and causes a depression or other serious diseases.

In conclusion, being in the public eye is not always having a life full of advantages there are also many negative aspects of that kind of life.

Thank you!

* в артиклях я не уверен, поэтому вынес отдельно

1. all the parts of the celebrities’ life
2. a Chanel’s corporation dinner
3. an[the] opposite side
4. a daily hard work

[Vanderley]

Если тут убрать such as то на мой взгляд выйдет не очень. Нашел пример из мэта кларка

Меня смущает немного, что и то и другое это например. Я вообще видел как в такой ситуации ставят то ли тире, то ли двоеточие вместо such as. Но если так как вы написали тоже можно, то пускай.

[[rcf]]

Меня смущает немного, что и то и другое это например. Я вообще видел как в такой ситуации ставят то ли тире, то ли двоеточие вместо such as. Но если так как вы написали тоже можно, то пускай.

я еще видел так

мой пример:

Looking first at the situation on labour market, one can note that most positions require years of experience in specific are areas, for instance, IT, healthcare, design, to name but a few

из книги:

It distracts the audience from something that is much more noteworthy, for instance, poverty, environmental problems, to name but a few.

[stela]

Я сам чайник, поэтому пометил только те моменты, что сам знаю.



* в артиклях я не уверен, поэтому вынес отдельно

1. all the parts of the celebrities’ life
2. a Chanel’s corporation dinner
3. an[the] opposite side
4. a daily hard work

Спасибо Вам большое! Буду работать над ошибками!!!

[[rcf]]

Спасибо Вам большое! Буду работать над ошибками!!!

ничего почти не поправил )

[Vanderley]

Hi guys, could you pls check my essay as well! i will really appreciate any help or advice!

Topic: Due to constant media attention, film stars, sports professionals, pop music stars and even influential political leaders have become celebrities these days.

What are the advantages and disadvantages of being in the public eye?

Luxury lives, public attention, millions of followers are all parts of the celebrities’ lives. However, being famous is not a synonym to being happy; therefore, is highly debatable topic, which do not have an unambiguous answer. Many people all over the world blindly believe that being a celebrity is beneficial as they get paid for “nothing”, have an easy life, whereas others argue that there is more disadvantages regarding to the lack of privacy, which causes celebrities only stress and depression. This essay will consider both sides of the issue, provide examples and give a conclusion.

On the one hand, famous people are not ordinary citizens, who need to worry about day-to-day problems such as working eight hours in the office, have many home responsibilities etc. they simply get paid for attending ceremonies or signing contracts with famous brands. For example, Paris Hilton earned 2 millions dollars only for attending a Chanel’s corporation dinner. Moreover, to get ready for the dinner Chanel company provided her a nice dress, professional make-up and hairdressing service.

On the other hand, all this bright and nice luxury life is just an opposite side of a daily hard work. For instance, fashion models have 12 hours per day of backstage training just to walk ones on the run during the fashion week. Another disadvantage of being famous is lack of privacy. Celebrities are also human beings who can be in a bad mood or sick. At these moments they probably would not like to be interrupted. However, they should smile to everyone. It can be very stressful and causes a depression or other serious diseases.

In conclusion, being in the public eye is not always having a life full of advantages there are also many negative aspects of that kind of life.

Thank you!

По моему вы смещаете фокус в эссе. Вас спрашивают про то какие плюсы и минусы of being in the public eye. А вы пишете про селебритис. С одной стороны кажется, что по сути это одно и то же. Но вот, например, смотрите что вы во втором боди параграфе пишете:

On the other hand, all this bright and nice luxury life is just an opposite side of a daily hard work. For instance, fashion models have 12 hours per day...

Это ведь никак не относится к вопросу being in the public eye. Всё остальное, кроме lack of privacy, тоже неочевидным образом относится к тому, о чем вас спрашивают.

Я бы начинал именно с внимания общественности. И привязывал все плюсы и минусы именно к нему. Например,

Одним из плюсов нахождения в центре внимания является возможность заработать деньги лёгким путём. - [теперь объясняем] - Это становится возможным благодаря тому, что благодаря вниманию прессы человек становится легко узнаваем, у него появляются толпы поклонников. Этим пользуются рекламные агенства для продвижения своих товаров, организаторы различных церемоний для пиара и т.д. - [приводим более конкретный пример] - Например, Пэрис Хитлон заработала стопиццот денег просто появившись на открытии фирменного магазина Минского Мясокомбината.

Вот тут всё видно. Вот внимание прессы - вот бонус в виде монея.

[stela]

По моему вы смещаете фокус в эссе. Вас спрашивают про то какие плюсы и минусы of being in the public eye. А вы пишете про селебритис. С одной стороны кажется, что по сути это одно и то же. Но вот, например, смотрите что вы во втором боди параграфе пишете:
Это ведь никак не относится к вопросу being in the public eye. Всё остальное, кроме lack of privacy, тоже неочевидным образом относится к тому, о чем вас спрашивают.

Я бы начинал именно с внимания общественности. И привязывал все плюсы и минусы именно к нему. Например,

Вот тут всё видно. Вот внимание прессы - вот бонус в виде монея.

Спасибо, за советы! Да, соглашусь с Вами немного не по теме написала. Думаете смогу за такое получить 6?