My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

а гастарбайтерами

В английском такого слова нет.

сезонные работники, находящиеся на временных визах.

Такие называются seasonal workers on seasonal workers visa.

[Vanderley]

Вопрос: если тезис еще расписать то вступление станет еше длиннее, там огоничений нет?и так уже огромное вступление как мне кажется

Я предлагаю просто заменить issue на две конкретные вещи, которые вы анализируете в боди параграфах, например так:

The analysis of the personal benefits of working abroad and the effect of the brain drain on a community will prove the above stated position.

Это предложение не абстрактное и знакомит читателя с будущей темой боди параграфов.

[Vanderley]

Most of the above is simply not true but of course you're entitled to a different view on the matter

Пожалуйста, расскажите почему я не прав. А то я тут всех понаучиваю, а они меня потом проклянут, когда из-за моей "помощи" они получат плохие оценки.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Пожалуйста, расскажите почему я не прав. А то я тут всех понаучиваю, а они меня потом проклянут, когда из-за моей "помощи" они получат плохие оценки.

Потому что вы пытаетесь загнать эссе в какие-то непонятные мне рамки. Argument- what is it? The word has two different meanings. It can be a discussion. It can be an explanation of your position. Which one is THE ONE for an IELTS essay?
Нужно отвечать на вопрос и на этом все заканчивается. А для этого, ествественно, нужно понимать вопрос.

Let's have a look at an IELTS topic where they ask you to give your opinion on an issue (this includes the 'to what extent...' questions). Sometimes your opinion is already formed and pretty clear and hence it's would be natural to justify it. Because you've already decided what you're going to talk about, you make it clear right from the Introduction, or as you said write a thesis.

However, not everyone is ready to make their opinion public without first considering other options or displaying a certain degree of hesitation, i.e. I'm not really sure as some people .... but on the other hand there are those who blah-blah-blah and both opinions are valid and to the point so this needs to be taken into consideration blah-blah-blah.

As a matter of fact, anecdotal evidence shows that the latter approach attracts better IELTS scores but it's quite likely this is only due to the higher level of the English skills required to write this kind of essay. May be this is the reason that, according to your sources 'многие рекомендуют придерживаться одной стороны'? I certainly don't recommend this. It's just an option and an easier one, as I said.

Anyway, if you're adopting the second approach it is absolutely inappropriate to take sides in the Introduction, before you even analysed both sides of the argument.


I just want to stress again that IELTS never ever 'dictates' the essay structure. You will never find any recommendations on how to organise your arguments on any official IELTS pages. The reason is quite obvious - answer the question in any way you see fit.
Just answer the question!

[Vanderley]

Maimiti_Isabella, по поводу официальных рекомендаций касающихся структуры я полностью согласен. Их нету. Хотя многие книжки по подготовке приводят структуры для различных типов и даже приводят аргументы почему эти структуры правильные. В будущем при оценке эссеев наверное ограничусь коментариями о том, что не так, без рекомендаций.

Что касается anecdotal evidence, то я думаю, что при дожном уровне английского можно с одинаковым успехом получить хорошую оценку пойдя по любому из путей. Рекомендаций рассматривать обе стороны ведь тоже нету? Так что в своём райтинге я неверное буду придерживаться своей структуры и пытаться впечатлить маркеров выдающимися TA, CC, LR и GRA

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Maimiti_Isabella, по поводу официальных рекомендаций касающихся структуры я полностью согласен. Их нету. Хотя многие книжки по подготовке приводят структуры для различных типов и даже приводят аргументы почему эти структуры правильные. В будущем при оценке эссеев наверное ограничусь коментариями о том, что не так, без рекомендаций.

Почему же, рекомендации можно и нужно давать как раскрыть тему и отвечать на вопрос. Просто надо учесть, что при правильном раскрытии вопроса неправильной организации не бывает

Что касается anecdotal evidence, то я думаю, что при дожном уровне английского можно с одинаковым успехом получить хорошую оценку пойдя по любому из путей.

Конечно. Так я об этом всегда говорила, что начинать надо с уровня языка. Проблема пост-советского человека, что мы никогда в бСССР не писали эссе и поэтому многие считают, что их держат за обезьян, и достаточно только выучить некую формулу, и хорошая оценка у тебя в кармане.

Рекомендаций рассматривать обе стороны ведь тоже нету? Так что в своём райтинге я неверное буду придерживаться своей структуры и пытаться впечатлить маркеров выдающимися TA, CC, LR и GRA

Конечно нет. Это ваше право выбора. Точно также как, если вы обратили внимание, стиль английского, кот. продемонстрировали 2 человека на этом форуме получившие 9-ки. Скажем так, для меня стиль Maria Mirabell совершенно чужой, в то время как стиль Belochkka очень подходит. Но ведь и та, и другая получили 9-ки!

[Maria Mirabell]

Я отправила эссе тем, кто написал в личку, может кому-то повторно, прошу прощения, уже забыла кому отправляла.

[Vanderley]

Human beings do not need to eat meat in order to maintain good health because they can get all their food needs from meatless products and meatless substances. A vegetarian diet is as healthy as a diet containing meat. Argue for or against the opinion above."

Nowadays, the issue of healthy diets for people - [зачем эта добавка? Для кого ещё эта тема актуальна?] - is widely being - [is being widely discussed] - discussed in modern society - [а эта добавка зачем? Nowadays в начале предложения может указывать на какое-то ещё общество?]. Many people keep the idea - [Вот тут на 100% не уверен, но я бы употребил не keep, а hold. Как-то чаще встречал to hold an opinion] - that vegetarian diet is very useful - [useful - это что-то что вам может пригодиться, помочь. В русском мы его также употребляем когда говорим про еду. По моему в инглише оно так не употребля] - and humans can replace meat products with vegetables, fruits and nuts. But - [Не начинайте предложение с but] - others think that meat is necessary for people’s health and well-being.
Let me illustrate - [это не совсем формал стайл] - this controversial matter with some facts.

One argument in support of vegetarian diet is that meat contents - [content - noun, contain - verb. глагол content тоже есть, но значение у него другое] - big amount of cholesterin. It is well known that higher content of cholesterin - [cholesterol] - in the blood of people - [опять непонятная добавка . Про остальных живых существ это не правда?] - influences negatively on - [to influence smth (no preposition) or to have influence on] - cardiovascular system, increases blood pressure and develop - [следили следили за 3rd person singular, а в последнем глаголе неуследили] - other diseases. Therefore many modern - [что насчет не модерн?] - vegetarians do not eat meat products not only for the humanitarian - [для голодающих в Африке?] - reasons but also for the benefits to their health. According to the latest, - [prepositional phrase] - researches vegetarian people suffer less from diabetes, hypertension, - [если бы вы they не впихнули, это было бы простое предложение, а так запятая нужна.] - and they have less chance of stones appearance in kidneys.

Another good thing - [informal] - for - [about] - vegetarian diet - [Ай-яй-яй, а глагол где?] - that fruits and vetables are rich with - [in] - different vitamins and minerals content which help to raise immunity and to decrease the risk of cancer diseases. Besides, vegetable food contains - [а тут уже правильный глагол] - special ferments which improve the work of gastrointestinal tract and even decrease the process of aging. Scientists have approved - [proved] - that vegetarian oil - [вегетарианское масло? Такое точно есть?] - not only have - [have or does not have?] - any cholesterin but also contribute to discharge - [вы в этом глаголе уверены? Я имею ввиду можно ли его употребить в значении выводить что-то из организма. Как-то он подозрительно выглядит. Ну и да, contribute to + gerund] - it from the people’s organisms. What is more, different sorts of nuts are rich with poly-vitamins and have high level of proteins as well. Thus, vegetarians who experience the lack of proteins rely on nuts.

On the other hand, refusing meat vegetarians take the risk to become of iron-deficient victims - [во-первых iron-deficient victims очень потешно звучит. Ну и правильнее будет to fall victim to iron deficiency] - because iron is digested better with products of animal origin. Besides, excluding fish from the ration persons - [people. Persons - это когда обед на 5 персон] -forfeit the source of good digestible protein, calcium and vitamins which play a very important role in the prevention of dangerous diseases.

In conclusion I would like to stress that meat products are not vital necessity for people in order to manage - [тут опять перебор с "бесплатными добавками", ну и звучит плоховато. Я б сказал when it comes to ... ] - good health. There are a lot of products which content useful substances and can be used instead of meat. I believe that switching to an animal free - [meat free скорее. Вы ж мясо едите, а не животных] - diet is a personal option, but the question remains whether one can ensure in this case sufficient intake of nutrition - [посмотрите что такое nutrition и можно ли его intake] -, which is necessary for one’s health.

Скажу сразу потрачено на сочинение было больше часа. Пока время мой основной враг. Ну и увы использовал несколько слов со словаря особенно медицинские термены. Лучше конечно от них избавиться но пока выкладываю как есть. Так что жду Ваши замечания

Ну и вдобавок к тому что в эссе наисправлял скажу, что очень плохо что вы не прочитали задание перед тем как писать. Вас просили поддержать ИЛИ опровергнуть, а не то и другое. На экзамене у вас пострадал бы TA за это.

Вообще, несмотря на всё то, что я понаписывал мне понравилось как вы пишете. Довольно легко читается. Организация идей довольно неплохая. Тема конечно несложная была, но многие и такое порят.

По поводу времени написания. Если вам не через месяц сдавать, то я бы даже рекомендовал писать не спеша и проверять какой-то вокабуляр. При регулярной тренировке время само станет уменьшатся.

[mati]

Добрый день,
Покритикуйте, пожалуйста со всей строгостью, если не трудно. Буду рад любому замечанию. Заранее спасибо!

There are companies that sponsor sports as a part of their advertising. Some people agree it has a good effect on the world of sports, others disagree. Discuss and give your opinion.

Many business enterprises allot some means to the development of sport and they use this in their advertisements. Many deem this positively affects sport, while others are of the opposite opinion. After analyzing both of these camps the logical conclusion will be drawn.

On the one hand, investing money in sport should be approved. It is no doubt that if a company donated some funds into sport and later used this fact in their commercials to enlarge revenue, this should be justified because by and large this fund will be used to erect new sport facilities and to educate sport coaches. Subsequently, everyone could see only positive effect for the world of sport from these financial injections.

On the other hand, some people are prudent with this issue because many giant companies such as Marlboro or McDonalds, which produce deliberately detrimental products, used to exploiting the fact of their donations to delude youth. This category of people is prone to the healthy and active lifestyle, and companies like these use this phenomenon so that to create the subconscious association between sport way of living and initially pernicious products. From this it is explained why many consider that these financial contributions in sport could be grievously dangerous.

To sum up, if companies inject some means in sport to be able to use this in their commercials, the sport world could have both positive and adverse effect from this. It appears that generally speaking these donations have more advantages, but some business should be prohibited against using sport features during their commercials companies

[Dremlin]

What technological development that has changed people’s lives?
Have all the changes been positive?

Nowadays innovation technologies come to human life and bring many advantages and disadvantages. Many people learn a lot of useful things from technology but sometimes it causes concern with regards to modern society and the community. In this essay I will put forward the notion how the development of new technologies affect human being and what consequences they lead to.

On the on hand, information technologies have become integral part of people’s lives. Many people young and old use computers, internet, gadgets and mobile phones every day. Some of them cannot imagine how they could live without such devices. Software and hardware help to build and support business of various organizations and banks which are the financial foundation of country’s prosperity. Therefore, innovation technological development is a very important industry that helps us in different spheres of our life.

On the other hand, many people used to have new technological devices at home and at work. We become addicts who cannot live a minute without some gadget or mobile phone. This can have a detrimental effect on young people and children. They do not want to participate in outdoor activities or spend time with their friends but prefer to sit indoors in front of a computer and play computer games. Children are suffering from certain disorders and can even suffer mental problems from this. Hence, in such cases human progress could bring harmful consequences to people.

In conclusion, I want to say that scientists, society and government must take into account the development of new technologies. They should think carefully about the consequences of any high tech devices or equipment before mass production. There is no doubt that technological development is extremely advantageous to many people. Unfortunately, above-mentioned advantages can outweigh the disadvantages.


I would be very grateful if you checked my essay. Thanks.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Добрый день,
Покритикуйте, пожалуйста со всей строгостью, если не трудно. Буду рад любому замечанию. Заранее спасибо!

There are companies that sponsor sports as a part of their advertising. Some people agree it has a good effect on the world of sports, others disagree. Discuss and give your opinion.

Many business enterprises allot some means to the development of sport and they use this in their advertisements. Many deem this positively affects sport, while others are of the opposite opinion. After analyzing both of these camps the logical conclusion will be drawn.

On the one hand, investing money in sport should be approved. It is no doubt that if a company donated some funds into sport and later used this fact in their commercials to enlarge revenue, this should be justified because by and large this fund will be used to erect new sport facilities and to educate sport coaches. Subsequently, everyone could see only positive effect for the world of sport from these financial injections.

On the other hand, some people are prudent with this issue because many giant companies such as Marlboro or McDonalds, which produce deliberately detrimental products, used to exploiting the fact of their donations to delude youth. This category of people is prone to the healthy and active lifestyle, and companies like these use this phenomenon so that to create the subconscious association between sport way of living and initially pernicious products. From this it is explained why many consider that these financial contributions in sport could be grievously dangerous.

To sum up, if companies inject some means in sport to be able to use this in their commercials, the sport world could have both positive and adverse effect from this. It appears that generally speaking these donations have more advantages, but some business should be prohibited against using sport features during their commercials companies

Mati, I'd give this essay a 6 and I don't think there's going to be a better mark until you invest a lot of time in the development of your English. In other words, from the point of view of the writing, the essay organisation answers the requirements and you did address the essay topic, 'by and large' On the other hand, for some reason you've started talking about commercials without really explaining what you mean and what sponsoring is. I think you can lose a couple of points in task achievement for that.

There are quite a few language related mistakes though and inconsistencies and at times they interfere with the meaning.

A couple of things to remember:
sport(adj) -> sports (even as an adjective: it's an exception from the rules)
you grossly overuse 'this' and very often the meaning and references are 'lost' because of that.

Another thing: you use a good range of vocab. but some of the words are not used correctly or with wrong prepositions, e.g.
to donate something to somebody
to enlarge revenue -> to increase revenue
to educate sport coaches - what are you educating them about? Do you mean 'train'? (to educate somebody about something)
prudent with - different meaning, does not fit with the context
used to exploiting -> either are used to exploiting or exploit or used to exploit (no idea which one you meant)
contributions in -> contribute / contribution to
etc

Очень советую читать, читать и еще раз читать, но с целью - выписывайте не слова, а фразы, т.е. обращайте внимание как слова употребляются, что и где от данного слова справа и слева.

Удачи.

[mati]

Mati, I'd give this essay a 6 and I don't think there's going to be a better mark until you invest a lot of time in the development of your English. In other words, from the point of view of the writing, the essay organisation answers the requirements and you did address the essay topic, 'by and large' On the other hand, for some reason you've started talking about commercials without really explaining what you mean and what sponsoring is. I think you can lose a couple of points in task achievement for that.

There are quite a few language related mistakes though and inconsistencies and at times they interfere with the meaning.

A couple of things to remember:
sport(adj) -> sports (even as an adjective: it's an exception from the rules)
you grossly overuse 'this' and very often the meaning and references are 'lost' because of that.

Another thing: you use a good range of vocab. but some of the words are not used correctly or with wrong prepositions, e.g.
to donate something to somebody
to enlarge revenue -> to increase revenue
to educate sport coaches - what are you educating them about? Do you mean 'train'? (to educate somebody about something)
prudent with - different meaning, does not fit with the context
used to exploiting -> either are used to exploiting or exploit or used to exploit (no idea which one you meant)
contributions in -> contribute / contribution to
etc

Очень советую читать, читать и еще раз читать, но с целью - выписывайте не слова, а фразы, т.е. обращайте внимание как слова употребляются, что и где от данного слова справа и слева.

Удачи.

Спасибо большое!!! Будем работать дальше.

[AMD]

Ну и вдобавок к тому что в эссе наисправлял скажу, что очень плохо что вы не прочитали задание перед тем как писать. Вас просили поддержать ИЛИ опровергнуть, а не то и другое. На экзамене у вас пострадал бы TA за это.

Вообще, несмотря на всё то, что я понаписывал мне понравилось как вы пишете. Довольно легко читается. Организация идей довольно неплохая. Тема конечно несложная была, но многие и такое порят.

По поводу времени написания. Если вам не через месяц сдавать, то я бы даже рекомендовал писать не спеша и проверять какой-то вокабуляр. При регулярной тренировке время само станет уменьшатся.

Мда...!!! Разнесли в пух и впрах! Даже как то стыдно стало за столь огромное количество ошибок!

[Remboo]

The chart provides information about how attitudes towards eight diverse methods of travel were changing in England from 1985 to 2000. The data is given in miles.

According to the diagram, the most popular mode of transport among Englishmen was a car in 1985 (3,199 miles), whilst taxi had the lowest popularity rating (13 miles). There was a negligible difference between the distance an Englishman travelled by bicycle and long distance bus (51 & 54 miles respectively). The residents of England covered greater distance using the other types of transport (450 miles) rather than walking (255 miles). It was calculated than an average distance Englishmen travelled by train was 140 miles shorter than that by local bus.

As can be seen from the table, there were three noteworthy differences in 2000. To start with, the car remained the most favourite transport in England, increasing dramatically up to 4,806 miles per person. Moreover, the usage of long distance bus constituted two-fold as much as that in 1985. Finally, the distance that was covered by taxi rose sharply (42 miles) throughout 15 years.

Overall, there was a growth of using of all kinds of transport during 15 years. The total distance increased from 4,740 to 6,475 miles as well.

[Vanderley]

Remboo, ну что ж вы проверяющих на сайт с голыми жопами и всякими ужасами направляете. Нет бы картинку просто выдрать, чтобы людям психику не травмировать. Например так: