My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Remboo]

Remboo, ну что ж вы проверяющих на сайт с голыми жопами и всякими ужасами направляете. Нет бы картинку просто выдрать, чтобы людям психику не травмировать. Например так:

Извините ) Первый попавшийся аплоудер фоток попался))) Я даже внимания не обратил, у кого что там голое)))

[Maimiti_Isabella]

The chart provides information about how attitudes towards eight diverse methods of travel were changing in England from 1985 to 2000. The data is given in miles.

According to the diagram, the most popular mode of transport among Englishmen was a car in 1985 (3,199 miles), whilst taxi had the lowest popularity rating (13 miles). There was a negligible difference between the distance an Englishman travelled by bicycle and long distance bus (51 & 54 miles respectively). The residents of England covered greater distance using the other types of transport (450 miles) rather than walking (255 miles). It was calculated than an average distance Englishmen travelled by train was 140 miles shorter than that by local bus.

As can be seen from the table, there were three noteworthy differences in 2000. To start with, the car remained the most favourite transport in England, increasing dramatically up to 4,806 miles per person. Moreover, the usage of long distance bus constituted two-fold as much as that in 1985. Finally, the distance that was covered by taxi rose sharply (42 miles) throughout 15 years.

Overall, there was a growth of using of all kinds of transport during 15 years. The total distance increased from 4,740 to 6,475 miles as well.

Что-то мне это уже начинает не нравится... Вы все-таки определитесь что описывать надо: a chart, a diagram or a table. Или вы мои советы принципиально игнорируете? - тогда я и вмешиваться больше не буду...

[Remboo]

Что-то мне это уже начинает не нравится... Вы все-таки определитесь что описывать надо: a chart, a diagram or a table. Или вы мои советы принципиально игнорируете? - тогда я и вмешиваться больше не буду...

Ни в коем случае не игнорирую Ваши советы, просто думал, что все три слова имеют схожее значение. Проверьте, пожалуйста)

[Remboo]

Еще одно:





The diagram provides world statistics about the total amount of water that was used for agricultural, industrial and domestic needs from 1900 to 2000. The table illustrates how much water was consumed in two particular countries in 2000.



As shown in the diagram, water consumption rates used for agriculture were the highest among the other domains, increasing dramatically from approximately 500 km up to 3,000 km throughout ten decades. The amount of water that was consumed for domestic needs represented the lowest figures during a century. Although water consumption level of domestic use remained fairly stable during first seven decades, it enhanced significantly by 2000. It is observed a similarity between amounts of water that were used for agricultural and domestic purposes till 1950. By 1960 the consumption of the former doubled compared to the previous rate. There was a steep rise over the next decade. This trend continued upwards and peaked at about 1,000 km.


As can be seen from the table, Brazilians’ usage of water constituted nearly forty-fold as much as of the residents of Congo. However, the density of population of the latter was about 170 million people less than that of the former. Moreover, the area that was irrigated in Brazil was 26.5 times larger in comparison with the land of Congo.


Overall, there was a growth of water consumption in all three sectors from 1900 to 2000.

[Goran Dražić]

Hi Remboo, I'm not an expert in writing reports cause I'm trying to pass general module. Anyway, there are a few general mistakes.

• water consumption rates used for agriculture - it is water not water consumption rates that is used in agriculture.
• were the highest among the other domains - among all domains. Other domains don't include agriculture, so among makes no sense there. Change either the whole construction or the word other.
• during a century - it is not just some random century, but the 20th century. It should be the century.
• water consumption level of domestic use - similar to the first one. In a noun phrase, the last noun is the main one(in this case - level). Level cannot be of domestic use.
• consumption level ... enhanced significantly - I am not 100% sure but enhance ~ improve. It can mean increase but in a positive context, which is still sort of improve. I am not sure if consumption level is something positive. So, I would suggest that you check whether it can used this way.
• It is observed a similarity - should be either it can be observed that or a similarity can be observed.
• a similarity between amounts - I doubt that amounts can be similar. Probably patterns of changing of those amounts.
• amounts of water that were used for agricultural and domestic purposes - let's try to think what that refers to. Is it amounts or water? I believe it's simply water. So it should be that was used.
• By 1960 the consumption of the former doubled compared to the previous rate. - comparing. Don't know why. For me this way it just sounds better.
• There was a steep rise over the next decade. - rise in what?
• Brazilians’ usage of water - sounds really bad. The usage of water in Brasil.
• Brazilians’ usage of water constituted nearly forty-fold as much as of the residents of Congo - to constitute means that something is a part of something else. For example, In Brazil, domestic consumption of water constituted 50% of overall consumption. Consumption of water in Brazil is not a part of water consumption in Congo, so no constitute.
• However, the density of population... - I don't see any contrasts, water usage and population density aren't linked to each other, so however is a bad choice here.
• the area that was irrigated in Brazil was 26.5 times larger in comparison with the land of Congo - land of Congo is all Congo's land and has nothing to do with irrigation. That's why it looks a little weird that you are comparing the two.
• in all three sectors from 1900 to 2000 - maybe till instead of to?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Еще одно:


The diagram provides - не нравится мне здесь это слово. -> displays / showsworld statistics about the total amount of water that was (cut) used for agricultural, industrial and domestic needs from 1900 to 2000. The table illustrates how much water was consumed (technically this is correct but if you want to show off your English change this to a noun clause. illustrates + noun -> the consumption of water) in two particular countries in 2000.

As shown in the diagram, water consumption rates used for agriculture were the highest among the other domains, increasing dramatically from approximately 500 km up to 3,000 km throughout ten decades.(Since when water consumption is measured in kilometres? How many kilometres of water do you consume per day? ) The amount of water that was consumed (too many 'consume' and 'consumption - time for a synonym)for domestic needs represented the lowest figures during a century. Although water consumption level of domestic use remained fairly stable during the (you are talking about the specific century so we know which decades you're referring to first seven decades, it enhanced ???? significantly by 2000. It is observed (???? who observed?) a similarity between amounts -> the amountof water that were (needs to be changed to singular as the subject is now in singular)used for agricultural and domestic purposes till 1950. By 1960 the consumption of the former doubled compared to the previous rate. There was a steep rise over the next decade. This trend continued upwards and peaked at about 1,000 km. (??? -still consuming water in kilometres?)

(you need a transitional sentence to 'link' the world water consumption to the examples given in the table)

As can be seen from the table, Brazilians’ usage of water constituted nearly forty-fold as much as of the residents of Congo. However, the density of population of the latter was about 170 million people less than that of the former. Moreover, the area that was irrigated in Brazil was 26.5 times larger in comparison with the land of Congo.


Overall, there was a growth of water consumption in all three sectors from 1900 to 2000.

Also, consider Goran Dražić's post. Please note, I haven't read his comments so I'm not ready to expand on them.

[t540]

Покритикуйте, плиз

Topic: some people believe that spending a lot of money for celebrations (like marriage or birthday) is needed and this fact has a significant social effect. Others think that there are another ways of spending money. Discuss both points and give your opinion.

Traditionally, the problem of choosing directions for spending money is essential for people whose income does not allow them to buy everything they want. Way of celebrating personal events like marriages and birthdays are an example of it. Many people prefer to organize parties with some friends. Others think that buying something personal is the best gift. These points of view will be discussed in this order.

It is believed by some that important personal event must be celebrated in a restaurant with a lot of guest invited. An idea that supports this is a historical tradition to share happiness with friends and desire of human beings to demonstrate their prosperity and well-being. It can be argued that this tradition will remain true in the future. Thus, that makes clear why many people gravitate to this point of view.

On the other hand, many argue that social effect of celebration is not vital for them, and they prefer to buy something personal. For example, some people have a very moderate marriage ceremony, but they buy a nice tour to exotic country and have a fascinating honey-moon in luxury hotel. Thereby, this kind of celebration is a real holiday for persons who have it. After analyzing these facts, it is clear why many support this claim.

In conclusion, the way of celebrating significant events is quite a controversial topic for people, since it can be a social event like party, while simultaneously personal event like journey or buying a car. However, after analyzing both camps, it becomes apparent that channeling money for personal needs has more benefits.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Topic: some people believe that spending a lot of money for celebrations (like marriage or birthday) is needed and this fact has a significant social effect. Others think that there are another ways of spending money. Discuss both points and give your opinion.

Traditionally, the problem of choosing directions for spending money is essential for people whose income does not allow them to buy everything they want. Way of celebrating personal events like marriages and birthdays are an example of it. Many people prefer to organize parties with some friends. Others think that buying something personal is the best gift. These points of view will be discussed in this order. (кстати, я перечитала Вступление 3 раза, но так до сих пор и не поняла о чем идет речь, т.е. these points of view я так и не нашла - сорри)

It is believed by some that important personal event must be celebrated in a restaurant with a lot of guest invited. An idea that supports this is a historical tradition to share happiness with friends and desire of human beings to demonstrate their prosperity and well-being. It can be argued that this tradition will remain true in the future. Thus, that makes clear why many people gravitate to this point of view.

On the other hand, many argue that social effect of celebration is not vital for them, and they prefer to buy something personal. For example, some people have a very moderate marriage ceremony, but they buy a nice tour to exotic country and have a fascinating honey-moon in luxury hotel. Thereby, this kind of celebration is a real holiday for persons who have it. After analyzing these facts, it is clear why many support this claim.

In conclusion, the way of celebrating significant events is quite a controversial topic for people (а что, собаки тоже его обсуждают, но не находят ничего controversial ? ) , since it can be a social event like party, while simultaneously personal event like journey or buying a car. However, after analyzing both camps, it becomes apparent that channeling money for personal needs has more benefits.

Смысл полностью спрятался за огромным количеством бессмысленных фраз и клише (выделено красным). Если вы все это удалите, вы сами-то увидите, что никакого текста не получилось, так как непонятно о чем идет речь.
1. научитесь анализировать топик и прежде чем приступать к написанию эссе, набросайте план развития эссе
2. клише потому и называются клише, что они давно потеряли всякий смысл.
3. совершенно непонятно откуда взялись personal needs в Заключении (см 1).
4. Если требуется 6 или выше, то перестаньте пока писать эссе и займитесь английским - но это мой личный подход. Почему-то многим он не нравится.

И последнее: если вы не видите ошибку в теме эссе, то это еще раз говорит о недостаточном уровне английского.
Others think that there are another ways of spending money

Где-то так....

[Goran Dražić]

Hi Alexander, in addition to what Maimiti_Isabella wrote, I have the following:

• Traditionally, the problem of choosing directions for spending money is essential for people whose income does not allow them to buy everything they want. - I don't see how this idea relates to the remainder of your essay. Lack of money is not mentioned anywhere else. Moreover, in the paragraph which supports the idea of not spending money, you write about a trip to exotic country and staying in a luxurious hotel, which is not a right way to go for people whose income does not allow them to buy everything they want.
• WayS of celebrating ... are
• Many people prefer to organize parties with some friends. - I don't like the phrase with some friends. It distracts the reader from the main idea. This way it looks like some people celebrate with friends, others celebrate alone.
• It is believed by some that an important personal event.
• with a lot of guestS invited
• An idea that supports this is a historical tradition to share happiness with friends and desire of human beings to demonstrate their prosperity and well-being. - I don't think a tradition or desire are ideas.
• this tradition will remain true - A tradition can't be true/false.
• Thus, that makes clear why many people gravitate to this point of view. - what does that refer to here? Tradition remaining true?
• a very moderate marriage ceremony - it is called wedding ceremony.
• fascinating honey-moon in a luxurious hotel
• Thereby, this kind of celebration is a real holiday - Thereby doesn't fit in here. It looks like "some people go on vacation and that is why it is a real vacation".
• persons - this is very bad. Haven't I told you about persons before?
• the way of celebrating significant events is quite a controversial topic for people - for whom it is not a controversial topic?
• it can be a social event like party, while simultaneously personal event like journey or buying a car. - check the meaning of the word simultaneously.
• while simultaneously a personal event like a journey
• channeling money into personal needs

[Norveg]

Я отправила эссе тем, кто написал в личку, может кому-то повторно, прошу прощения, уже забыла кому отправляла.

Could you pls send it to [email protected]?
Tnx in advance! )

[Maria Mirabell]

Could you pls send it to [email protected]?
Tnx in advance! )

@ Norveg: Done! My pleasure.

@Goran: How are you? How is your writing? Haven't received an 8 yet?

[Goran Dražić]

@Goran: How are you? How is your writing? Haven't received an 8 yet?

Yes, I got 8 once. However, after my writing got fixed, my speaking broke Working on it at the moment.

[Fit_Eugene]

Maria Mirabell, пришлите, пожалуйста, на [email protected]. Большое спасибо

[Maria Mirabell]

@ Goran: Congratulations, Goran! It is a great result! You definitely deserved one. Don't you worry, one day you will get your cherished scores Just bear a little bit longer with this bloody money sucking machine. You will be fine!
BTW, have you got the speaking samples from another thread with a 9 sample? If you want them, PM me and I will send you the audio file.
@ Fit_Eugene: Отправила Удачи!

[Remboo]

Maimiti_Isabella и Goran Dražić , спасибо большое за проверку! Вот еще один репорт, проверьте, пожалуйста


The graph below shows the consumption of fish and some different kinds of meat in a European country between 1979 and 2004.





The chart illustrates the amounts of chicken, beef, lamb and fish that were consumed in a European country per individual per week over 25 years. The data are given in grams.


According to the chart, beef by far was the most popular food, whereas fish was the least preferable in 1979 (220 and 60 gr. respectively). Chicken and lamb consumption rates became equal at the end of 1979 (circa 145 gr.). The amount of the latter fell by third over the next decade and constituted 100 gr. per capita, whilst fish consumption level was twice lower than that of lamb. There was a striking similarity between the quantity of chicken and beef that had been consumed by 1989.


As can be seen from the chart, there were four noteworthy differences in 2004. Over 25 years chicken became the most preferable food increasing by 85 gr. and constituted 250 gr. per individual per week. Fish consumption figures remained the lowest decreasing by approximately 35 %. Beef and lamb consumption rates were followed by a sharp drop by 2004. The former halved, while the latter went down threefold.


Overall, consumption of all kinds of food but chicken, which increased dramatically, plummeted over the particular period.