My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Technology is making communication easier in today's world, but at the expense of personal contact as many people choose to work at home in front of a computer screen. What dangers are there for a society which depends on computer screens rather than face-to-face contact for its main means of communication?

Nowadays, new technology has become an integral part of our contemporary life. Super up-to-date computers, gadgets and other digital devices have been changing the way of communication considerably making it more comfortable and easier. Besides, people have got a great ability to work at remote places with the development of IT sphere. But, many psychologists and doctors consider that consequences of working when the lack of face-to-face communication is can be dangerous for a society.

Firstly, working at home in front of the computer screen people become isolated from a society. Even ordinary shopping to the supermarket becomes a big entertainment. This problem happens with a lot of people when there is no necessity to go to the work. Besides, there are much less reasons for the entertaining and spending funny time because people who are working at home have not any stuff or colleagues with whom they can celebrate wage rise or the birthday’s party. Hence, the social contacts are decreased to the minimum. As a result such people become lonely.

Secondly there is no motivation to wear beautiful clothes to make up, to make styling hair due to the working at home. Thus, people can stop watching their appearances. Moreover the recent researches show that people who are working at home flesh-out, because of shortage of activity and the trouble with nutrition. Unfortunately, to economize the time people who work at home do not prepare for themselves and start eating fast food.

Thirdly there are some disturbing factors surrounding working people at home. Noisy children, barking dogs, visiting relatives can divert home employees from their work. Therefore, they have to work at night in order to catch the time. All this can lead to stressful situations and harm the health.

In conclusion I would like to stress that despite the greatest opportunities and unbelievable possibilities of IT technologies people working at home at their computers can become much reserved. There is a danger to lose personal contacts with friends and relatives which can lead to loneliness. Therefore the main task of a society to combine the latest achievements in the field of IT technologies with a human nature not disturbing delicate balance between them.

Ещё одно моё произведение

У меня очень неоднозначное отношения к вашим эссе: есть очень хорошие моменты с точки зрения грамматики и построения предложений, но на общем фоне достаточно слабого английскийского они вызывают подозрение в том, что это заучено (я знаю, что это не так- но!). Самое же главное - проблема с readability and general flow of the essay. Частно очень сложно понять как одно предложение или идея вытекает из предыдущего.

Nowadays, new technology has become an integral part of our contemporary life. - скажите, пожалуйста, а contemporary бывает не Nowadays? Или может быть Nowadays но не contemporary? Не пытайтесь 'налить воду' в эссе - у вас это плохо получается. Разбавление эссе 'водичкой', и чтобы при этом оно еще хорошо читалось - это показатель очень хорошего уровня владения языком. У вас этого - увы! - пока нет.

But, many psychologists and doctors consider that consequences of working when the lack of face-to-face communication is can (????) be dangerous for a society. - закручено так, что совершенно непонятно о чем идет речь. И это on top of the 'but' problem. Одно из первых правил, с кот. знакомится любой изучающий письменный язык, это то, что but является союзом, т.е. conjunction. Нельзя начинать предложения с but, если речь идет об essays, reports or any other formal writing.

В общем и целом, на мой взгляд, вам нужно 1. подтягивать английский до приличного уровня, занимаясь по нормальным учебникам (т.е. не по пособиям по подготовке к IELTS) 2. заниматься с преподавателем (если вы этого еще не делаете), опять же не по подготовке к IELTS, а по общему уровню английского языка.


Где-то так....

[VikingIPF]

Мне кажется (подчеркнуто), что при наличии ответа на вопрос 6-ку получить можно. Честно говоря, мне очень тяжело читать ваше эссе, так как я постоянно сбиваюсь на 'о чем это оно?'

Несколько советов: не используйте you - читающий не имеет никакого отношения к тому, что вы пишете.
..Если вокруг МЕНЯ есть люди - то они лично мне не нужны в виде помощи в улаживании конфликтной ситации И так далее....

Не используйте слова типа a lot of / lots of - they are too informal for an essay.

А теперь попробуйте перевести вот это на русский: To conclude, I want to draw my own conclusion for this issue. (в заключении я хочу заключить - Здорово!) И вообще заключение - сплошные перлы, sorry

Ахах)) что-то я давно не писал эссе) я понял о чем вы говорите, когда по материалам GRE занимался таких глупостей как у меня в конклюжине сейчас не было)) Разумеется хотел сделать акцент на слове *OWN*, в том смысле что не ответил на вопрос конкретно а скомбинировал свои мысли) как то так что-ли))) Ну я эссе ещё свои впредь буду публиковать, надеюсь поможете бедному несчастному школьнику добить свой райтинг до хорошего балла)))

[Maimiti_Isabella]

надеюсь поможете бедному несчастному школьнику добить свой райтинг до хорошего балла)))

Только не путайте форум с частным преподавателем или даже с курсами

Я лично проверяю всего несколько эссе. Если вижу прогресс, могу на пару-другую больше, чем обычно. Если прогресса нет, то мне становится скучно

Бедный и даже несчастный школьник исключением являться не будет

Но могут быть и другие проверяющие, если повезет ...

[VikingIPF]

Только не путайте форум с частным преподавателем или даже с курсами

Я лично проверяю всего несколько эссе. Если вижу прогресс, могу на пару-другую больше, чем обычно. Если прогресса нет, то мне становится скучно

Бедный и даже несчастный школьник исключением являться не будет

Но могут быть и другие проверяющие, если повезет ...

)) Я не путаю форум с частным преподавателем. Просто согласитесь лучше когда несколько человек укажут на мои ошибки и дадут полезные советы. Кстати, вы раскритиковали моё эссе само сильно, что есть хорошо) теперь буду стараться улучшить свои навыки письма чтобы снова не ударить в грязь лицом) Кстати, а ваша профессия как-нибудь связана с языками? СКолько баллов набирали на АЙЛТС? Просто интересно

[kabal]

Hi everyone.
This is my first writing task, a letter to a friend, and I'd love to hear your opinion about it. It is about 200 words, and it took me an hour to finish it.

You have recently moved to a different house.
Write a letter to your friend. In your letter
- Explain why you have moved.
- Describe the new house.
- Invite your friend to come and visit.

Dear Ann,

How are you? I hope you've been well! Sorry for having been out of touch for a short while. There've been some changes in my life, which I can't wait to share with you!

The big news is that I have moved to a new house! Can you believe it? I guess, I've already told you that my boss got me promoted 2 month ago, so now I have some extra money to spend on the house of my dream. Besides, I've had enough of that noisy family living across the street.

Anyway, my new house is much bigger and I'm still getting used to it. Apart from the rest, it has 4 bedrooms, a huge dining room (a snooker table will make a perfect fit there) and a very cozy kitchen. There's also a backyard with some flowers and a couple of trees there. But there's still a lot of work to do to make it look like a proper place for summer bbq parties.

So, I hope I got you excited enough to come and see my new house with your own eyes. If that is the case, please don’t hesitate and come as soon as you can.

Warm wishes,
Alex

[foxyproxy]

Еще одна проба пера

А покритикуйте такое эссе теперь, будьте добры =)


Schools and parents often require their pupils to wear school uniforms. The pupils, however, usually dislike this. There are acceptable arguments both for and against the wearing of school uniforms.
Explain some of the arguments both for and against the wearing of school uniforms and state what is your opinion on the subject.

The problem of school uniforms is as old as the world itself. Some people, especially parents, tend to believe that uniforms are an excellent idea. However, there is an opinion, mainly among school students, that uniforms are obsolete and are not needed in the modern world. In my opinion, school outfits should be retained.
Wearing a school uniform has some benefits. Firstly, it is a good way to maintain social equality. If all school children wear one and the same uniform, it means they are all identical according to their social status, and personal biases are not formed. Secondly, school uniforms help avoid such complexes as superiority or inferiority. Students are recognized by how they perform and not by what the wear. Thirdly, uniforms at school can significantly lessen the extent of distraction amongst high school students. For instance, if girls don’t wear provocative clothes, then boys will not be distracted. Thus, there are no unnecessary repercussions during class time and educational performance is greatly increased.
On the other hand, some would argue that there cons of wearing a school uniform. School attire can be boring and mundane. It can be quite depressing for pupils to see one and the same clothes around them every day. Furthermore, a school uniform can mean a serious impact on the wallet. Schools do not provide uniforms for free and in some countries, like in Africa, it is very difficult for many poverty-stricken families to spend extra money on them. There are many examples of the inability to buy schools uniforms among African population. As a result, many children cannot attend schools due to this issue.
For the reasons mentioned above, I am inclined to believe that school uniforms have more valid advantages than disadvantages. Uniforms are just a matter of perception. The dilemma of school uniforms will always exist and, in my opinion, we should better preserve this attribute of school life than abandon it.

Thank you!

[kabal]

А покритикуйте такое эссе теперь, будьте добры =)

I can't say anything about the structure of your essay (I'm still to write one myself), but there some parts of it which I would change or get rid of - they don't sound right to me:
1. The problem of school uniforms is as old as the world itself. - actually, I would argue that school uniforms are as old as the world itself
2. If all school children wear one and the same uniform - I think, simply "the same" would be better here, and I would also either change the tense of "wear" or replace "If" with "When" like this: "If ... wore ..., it would mean ..." or "When ... wear ..., it means ...", but I could be wrong here.
3. educational performance is greatly increased -

this is too strong! How about adding some modality?

4. in some countries, like in Africa - you can safely remove "in".
5. valid advantages - I'm not sure you can say like that, are there also "invalid advantages"?

Cheers.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Hi everyone.
This is my first writing task, a letter to a friend, and I'd love to hear your opinion about it. It is about 200 words, and it took me an hour to finish it.

You have recently moved to a different house.
Write a letter to your friend. In your letter
- Explain why you have moved.
- Describe the new house.
- Invite your friend to come and visit.

Dear Ann,

How are you? I hope you've been well! Sorry for having been out of touch for a short while. There've been some changes in my life, which I can't wait to share with you!

The big news is that I have moved to a new house! Can you believe it? I guess, I've already told you that my boss got me promoted 2 month ago, so now I have some extra money to spend on the house of my dream. Besides, I've had enough of that noisy family living across the street.

Anyway, my new house is much bigger and I'm still getting used to it. Apart from the rest, it has 4 bedrooms, a huge dining room (a snooker table will make a perfect fit there) and a very cozy kitchen. There's also a backyard with some flowers and a couple of trees there. But there's still a lot of work to do to make it look like a proper place for summer bbq parties.

So, I hope I got you excited enough to come and see my new house with your own eyes. If that is the case, please don’t hesitate and come as soon as you can.

Warm wishes,
Alex

Some ideas on how to improve the letter

1. to be in touch vs. to be out of touch -> Sorry for not being in touch...

2. my boss got me promoted - when I read things like that I know it's a direct translation from a European language. I recently heard someone saying 'my father sent me a birthday present' so I just asked 'are you from Russia?' Yes, this is that obvious. -> (2 months ago) I got promoted 2 months ago / (2 months ago) I got a promotion 2 months ago

3.Apart from the rest - would love to learn what this means! Even my Russian doesn't help

4. There's also a backyard with some flowers and a couple of trees there - where are the trees?

5. house-> Just a couple of suggestions for a very informal letter: my new pad / adobe (the latter is sarcastic but it fits the style)

6. to come and see my new house with your own eyes -> how about just 'come over'

7. If that is the case, please don’t hesitate and come as soon as you can - No kidding! After a very informal letter such a formal and absolutely inappropriate conclusion

Another relevant idea to consider when asking a friend over: a house warming party

[kabal]

Some ideas on how to improve the letter

Thanks a lot. Gone practicing.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Thanks a lot. Gone practicing.

-> gone to practise

[foxyproxy]

kabal,

First of all - thank you!

As to

1. The problem of school uniforms is as old as the world itself. - actually, I would argue that school uniforms are as old as the world itself

School uniforms are not that old. The problem is old =)

one and the same

I used it on purpose. It's more emphatic than just the same.

4. in some countries, like in Africa - you can safely remove "in".

Africa is a continent, and it consist of many countries, nah?

5. valid advantages - I'm not sure you can say like that, are there also "invalid advantages"?

=)
Can't see anything wrong with "valid" here.

3. educational performance is greatly increased -

Yep, maybe you are right here. "may be" would sound beter.

Cheers =)

[Maimiti_Isabella]

))? СКолько баллов набирали на АЙЛТС? Просто интересно

Я IELTS не сдавала. Не было необходимости.

Резюме сюда тоже выкладывать не собираюсь.

За reference обращайтесь к Maria Mirabell I'm sure she'll be more than happy to oblige.

[mati]

Покритикуйте, пожалуйста.Заранее огромное спасибо!

Capital punishment is a brutal decision and should be abolished. Give your views in not less 250 words if you agree or disagree with it.

Today almost all developed countries have signed off the agreement to postpone capital punishment in their states. These decisions could be attributed to various reasons. Some of them might be the wish to avoid irredeemable mistakes, or because of religion considerations.

To begin with, this kind of punishment makes impossible to correct wrong verdicts. Even if there is no any doubt in lawbreaker’s blame, some new circumstances and facts could prove this person’s innocence later. For example, it is a well-known fact that four persons were sentenced to death for cruel murders which have commited Ukraine homicide maniac Andrei Chicatillo. For this reason it is clear that all countries should promulgate the law against this kind of punishment so that to avoid these horrible mistakes.

Another reason in favor of this law could be religious one. Four main religion confessions are against this state-approved murder due to next reason. The life is done to a person according to the God’s wish and plane. Therefore, nobody, but God only could take the person’s life. Consequently, it means that all people, who are involved in this kind of judgment, breach the Creator’s wish and should be severe punished. Hence, the law approved murder should be abolished.

To sum up, capital punishment should be banned because it makes possible to rectify wrong sentences which were made when, for example, an innocent person was libeled. Also, our society should respect the law of Lord and avoid killing anyone for the sake of fairness and revenge.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Capital punishment is a brutal decision and should be abolished. Give your views in not less 250 words if you agree or disagree with it.

Today almost all developed countries have signed off the agreement to postpone (до лучших времен? И когда же эти времена наступят?) capital punishment in their states (т.е. здесь вы хотите сказать, что страны запретили смертную казнь в своих штатах? А если штатов нет, как, собственно, в большинстве стран?). These decisions (какие именно decisions?) could be attributed to various reasons. Some of them might be the wish to avoid irredeemable mistakes, or because of religion (-> прилагательное, а не существительное)considerations.

To begin with, this kind of punishment makes impossible to correct wrong verdicts. Even if there is no any doubt in (артикль) lawbreaker’s blame (надо подобрать другое слово), some new circumstances and facts could prove this person’s innocence later (поставьте later после could. Иначе смысл становится 'неправильным'). For example, it is a well-known fact that four persons (простите, но ваш английский пока еще не на достаточно хорошем уровне, чтобы употреблять слово persons) were sentenced to death for cruel murders which have committed (он их совершил после того, как 4 человека были приговорены? - неправильный выбор грамматического времени) Ukraine (-> прилагательное) homicide ( убрать как ненужное) maniac Andrei Chicatillo. For this reason it is clear that all countries should promulgate the law against this kind (пора опять назвать о чем идет речь) of punishment so that to (вы путаете so that vs. (in order) to) avoid these horrible mistakes (тут можно запутаться о каких ошибках идет речь. Как насчет miscarriage of justice?).

Another reason in favor of this law could be (артикль) religious one. Four main religion (-> прилагательное) confessions are against this state-approved murder due to next (-> following) reason. The life is done (???) to a person according to (-> in accordance with) the God’s wish and plane (Бог на самолете летал?). Therefore, nobody,(запятая здесь ошибка- уберите) but God only could take the person’s life. Consequently, it means that all people, (запятая здесь ошибка- уберите) who are involved in this kind of judgment (какое - непонятно), breach the Creator’s wish and should be severe (-> наречие) punished (странная концепция - не уверена как здесь пройдет вариант логики. Заметьте ,я не о религии, а о раскрытии темы. К преступникам надо относиться с милосердием, а те, кто выполняет закон - наказывать). Hence, the (-> а) law approved murder should be abolished. (хорошее предложение!)

To sum up, capital punishment should be banned because it makes possible to rectify wrong sentences which were made (подберите другое слово. sentences are made - this words don't really collocate) when, for example, an innocent person was libelled (это что-то новое - раньше об этом не было речи. Может, имеется в виду accused?) . Also, our society should respect the law of Lord and avoid killing anyone for the sake of fairness and revenge.

Я, конечно, могу проверить, но только если вам референсы не нужно показывать

Начнем с того, что формулировка темы - шедевр, и в жутком сне только могла кому-то присниться.

Как и в прошлый раз (если я не ошибаюсь) ваше эссе выигрывает за счет 'умных слов', и за это, безусловно, вы получите дополнительную галочку

Опять же, никаких вопросов к огранизации эссе, но есть несколько серьезных вопросов с английскому.

Аlso, our society should respect the law of Lord and avoid killing anyone for the sake of fairness and revenge - я что-то не поняла про for the sake of fairness... Про revenge - все понятно.

[mati]

Спасибо Вам большое, Maimiti_Isabella, искренне Вам благодарен! Пойду трудиться дальше, разбираться с ошибками, грызть "Vocabulary for the IELTS" exactly as you strictly advised