My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Aigerim]

Мои маленькие советы - так как я не сильный ПРО!
1) СТруктура - сколько параграфов - чётко изучить
2) По трём типам иссе надо знать где говорить опинион где агри а где проблем солющн
3) Где то согласование глагола с подлежащим по времени не сходится
- Срочно найти препода и заниматься
--------------------------------
по моему близко к 6 если проработаете все 3 пункта проработаете
и будете много иссе читать!
Пока всё! удачи

Спасибо учту!

[will.i.am]

Мое первое сочинение за много много лет поэтому я готов услышать что то вроде "это бред".

There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

Since the beginning of time music plays a great role in our life. Undoubtedly a unique creation of human nature, music, is an integral part of us and closely interwoven with everything we do usually. In our everyday life music helps us to express our feelings and emotions such as love, happiness, sorrow or just points of view.

We also should not forget about importance of music in the context of relations between cultures and nations. Nowadays there a lot of musical contests for children and young people from all over the world that reflected in bringing all together and making them kind to each other.

Every nation and country has its own specific music culture. There is a huge variety of musical instruments is used all over the world and it is very interesting and informative to listen to the music of other countries. Sometimes the different styles of music mix up with each other resulting in very attractive new some.

Though International music is very popular nowadays and most people prefer to listen it personally I think that traditional music of a country more important than the International music. Mostly because there a lot of important things are underlined in traditional music. Centuries-old history, culture, traditions and the spirit of ancestors - all these values are reflected in traditional music and emphasize the individuality of every country and every nation. On the other hand if traditional music loses its significance then the connection with the past becomes lost. However as it know there is no future without the past and that is why traditional music is of great value.

[Vanderley]

will.i.am, очень плохо что вы предложения без глаголов пишете, это серьёзно:

I think that traditional music of a country more important than the International music

Nowadays there a lot of musical contests for children and young people from all over the world

Mostly because there a lot of important things

[will.i.am]

Vanderley, если вам не сложно, дайте свой вариант.

[Vanderley]

Варианты предложений этих с глаголами?

I think that traditional music of a country is more important than the International music

Nowadays there are a lot of musical contests for children and young people from all over the world

Mostly because there are a lot of important things

[will.i.am]

Vanderley,oops. Звиняйте за беспокойство.

А как в целом несчитая глаголов?

[Vanderley]

В целом слабо. Видно что Вы литературы никакой про эссе не читали(ну или читали и не приняли к сведению). Я могу Вам много чего написать по поводу Ваших ошибок, но Вам прийдётся ознакомиться с этими материалами энивэй(если Вам надо больше чем 5). Так что дерзайте.

Прежде всего посмотрите:

• из чего состоит эссе
• из чего состоит параграф
• что такое формал стайл

Это база и у Вас с этим проблемы.

ПыСы: когда будете следующий раз постать эссе, постайте пожалуйста с планом.

[bogdan_zuy]

Было написано еще до того как я нашел этот форум и все рекомендации по Writing Part IELTS. Поэтому стыдно, но написано с учетом времени, на проверку времени не осталось поэтому выкладываю как есть.

Судите по всей строгости закона =)

Task I
[20 min. 150 words] [Написать письму приезжающему другу, с объяснением как добраться до дома, т.к. можете освободится только вечером... Точно не помню задание]

Dear, Kate.
I couldn't meet you at station, sorry. But you can arrive to home self. You must go to bus stop, and wait bus number four. On seventh bus stop, go out from bus, and at other road side you could see books shop, went to left from this shop, about five hundred meters, then would be turn to my house street. Each house has numbers, go forward while you see number 23 it's my, and for a month yours, home. I put the key under flower right side from door. Well, I'll be at home at 8 p.m.
Phone on a kitchen, you can call to parents that everything ok. Some food in refregerator. Tea, chinese as you like, above little table in the corner.
I am going to buy some popcorn, we could watch some movies when I back.

P.S.: That's little furry "monster" is Tom, Yes, like Tom and Jerry. He like when you touch his ears.
CU

Task II
[40 min. 250 words] Should arts-related entertainment venues such as museums and art galleries be free of charge for the general public, or should a charge apply for admittance?

I think if art-related entertainment venues should be free of charge for the general public, it would be great. Because, It high up cultural knowledge of people. In our days more and more people don't know who are Shakespeare, Van Gogh, Beethoven, Michelangelo. Becouse cultural places is cost like modern community places as clubs, aquaparks, cinemas. And young men prefer its, to our cultural heritages.
It's terrible. For example, childrens of my sister thinked, that Beethoven is a dog, Michelangelo is a super hero from comics. They never see Statue of David, or heard Fur Elise. But some corporations take care about our knowledges, like Google inc.
Google make wonderfull project called Google Art Project, they make free admittance to works of great persons our cultural heritages. They make virtual tours in most famouse museums of world. But not everyone have internet to get access to this project.
But we have big "But". If museums and art galleries be free, they couldn't keep art things in clean and safety. So we have dilemma, safe heritages to more generations or do it accessible for more people now.
I think we have the way from this embarrassing situation. It's government support for art-related entertainment venues. If governments would be pay half cost of charge apply for admittance, we could safe our cultural heritages to more generations and make it admittance for more societies.
I home that governments and powerful corporations combined to make us culturally educated. And show to us that wonderful world of art.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Было написано еще до того как я нашел этот форум и все рекомендации по Writing Part IELTS. Поэтому стыдно, но написано с учетом времени, на проверку времени не осталось поэтому выкладываю как есть.

Судите по всей строгости закона =)

Так в чем тогда смысл проверять то, что заведомо неправильно / не отвечает требованиям? Перепишите с учетом ваших вновь полученных знаний, и тогда можно и разговоры разговаривать


ПС и задания не забудьте дать полностью, а то неизвестно что в эссе делать надо - обсуждать или сразу дать мнение.

[Furan]

Ну вот и я опять возобновил свою творческую деятельность.
Прошу покритиковать.


We are surroundung by advertising. Some people think that this is good, because it gives us a choice as consumers. But others argue that it makes people selfish and greedy for more and more goods. Do you think that there should be less advertising?

The advertisement has become an essintial part of every modern society around the globe. Hardly a day goes wothout many kinds of advertisements even on tv screen or on the roads. Some people argue, that it gives clients wide choice within the market as well as good price. Others believe, that the modern advertising materials are harmful for society development because people are used to consume more and more goods and become selfish. It seems to be clear, that the tendency of contunuing development within the sphere of modern advertisement has become a strong disadvantage for people as well as society. In this essay the reason for that will be given and the above stated position will be proved.

Firstly, it is well known that the information about products on the tv screen could influence on the peoples mind. As well as that, many members of society are sensitive and they prefer to buy a products according to the information notices in mass media. For instance, many of members of developed countries are used to eat fast and fatty food because of colourful and funny advertisement. The MaCdonalds compaign in mass media «I am lovin it» could be a perfect example. As the result of this influence, numans has become unhealthy and overwight. That is the first serious disadvantage of advertising for the population.

Secondly, the modern edvertising has power influence on the peoples mind. What is more, many of consumers prefer to shopping hardly and spend their salaries for unuseful things. To my mind, this is because of professional persons, who have worked for the advertising industry. They tend to create amazing quick videos about almost every product using mental technologyes and human habits. This could be proved by examples, when people spending their money without a doubt, evenmore they tend to get a debt from bank because of their weakness under advertisement. Thus, it is shown that people are involved by advertising into unnecessary spending funds as well as spending moneys for unuseful stuff.

To conclude, it has been shown that the modern advertising has many disadvantages and attracting people to spend funds not in a proper way as well as being owervieghted and unhealthy. That is way, that governments should produce special actions against advertisememt. One of the example of the action might be that authorities could create any kind of notices or information against advertisement.

[Goran Dražić]

Ну вот и я опять возобновил свою творческую деятельность.
Прошу покритиковать.


The advertisement has become an essintial part of every modern society around the globe. Hardly a day goes wothout many kinds of advertisements even on tv screen or on the roads. Some people argue, that it gives clients wide choice within the market as well as good price. Others believe, that the modern advertising materials are harmful for society development because people are used to consume more and more goods and become selfish. It seems to be clear, that the tendency of contunuing development within the sphere of modern advertisement has become a strong disadvantage for people as well as society. In this essay the reason for that will be given and the above stated position will be proved.

Firstly, it is well known that the information about products on the tv screen could influence on the peoples mind. As well as that, many members of society are sensitive, and they prefer to buy a products according to the information notices in mass media. For instance, many of members of developed countries are used to eat fast and fatty food because of colourful and funny advertisement. The MaCdonalds compaign in mass media «I am lovin it» could be a perfect example. As the result of this influence, numans has become unhealthy and overwight. That is the first serious disadvantage of advertising for the population.

Secondly, the modern edvertising has power influence on the peoples mind. What is more, many of consumers prefer to shopping hardly and spend their salaries for unuseful things. To my mind, this is because of professional persons, who have worked for the advertising industry. They tend to create amazing quick videos about almost every product using mental technologyes and human habits. This could be proved by examples, when people spending their money without a doubt, evenmore they tend to get a debt from bank because of their weakness under advertisement. Thus, it is shown that people are involved by advertising into unnecessary spending funds as well as spending moneys for unuseful stuff.

To conclude, it has been shown that the modern advertising has many disadvantages and attracting people to spend funds not in a proper way as well as being owervieghted and unhealthy. That is way, that governments should produce special actions against advertisememt. One of the example of the action might be that authorities could create any kind of notices or information against advertisement

First of, you have no clue about english punctuation. See my corrections above. Green - add, red - delete.

Apart from that:

• advertisement has become an essintial part of every modern society - try to avoid generalisations. For example, I wouldn't agree with you here. What about modern african societies?
• Hardly a day goes wothout many kinds of advertisements even on tv screen or on the roads. - I would say appearing on tv. Also, even doen't fit in here at all. Finally, as far as I understand, bill boards are on waysides, not on the roads.
• people are used to consume more and more goods - Since you are using more and more, it would be more logical to use continuous - are getting used to.
• modern advertising materials are harmful for society development - Why development? Maybe just for the society?
• the tendency of contunuing development within the sphere of modern advertisement - I don't understand this.
• modern advertisement has become a strong disadvantage - You see, disadvantage cannot be on its own. Disadvantage is always of something. Here, it would be better to use the word problem.
• could influence on - to influence something. No on.
• peoples mind - people's minds.
• they prefer to buy a products
• information notices - there are no such things.
• members of developed countries - Did you mean people?
• That is the first serious disadvantage of advertising for the population. - This sentence is redundant.
• power influence - what is this?
• many of consumers
• prefer to shopping
• shopping hardly - first of, the adverb for hard is hard. Hardly = merely = scarsely. Also, you cannot shop hard.
• spend their salaries for - on
• unuseful - useless.
• professional persons - Do you mean proffesionals?
• who have worked for the advertising industry - Any particular reason you used perfect?
• when people spending their money - what verb form is this?
• quick videos - what are those?
• people spending their money without a doubt - I don't understand this.
• evenmore - even more
• to get a debt from bank - it isn't called debt. Look for the right word.
• because of their weakness under advertisement - it's not under.
• unnecessary spending funds - check the meaning of funds. Here, you can just skip this word.
• moneys - this is very bad
• spending moneys for - on.
• stuff - informal.
• has many disadvantages and attracting people- what verb form is that?
• owervieghted - weight is an irregular verb.
• That is way - why.
• produce special actions - take actions.
• One of the examples
• One of the example of the action might be that authorities - sounds really ugly. Need to paraphrase.
• that authorities could create any kind of notices - some.
• create any kind of notices or information against advertisement - what are notices? And what is information against advertisement?
• That is way, that governments should - what is that???

Sorry, but I think there are too many mistakes to get a good mark. Hope you will find my corrections helpfull.

[Goran Dražić]

Maimiti_Isabella, I have a question for you. In the topic of the essay above it is said

it makes people selfish and greedy for more and more goods

but the task asks

Do you think that there should be less advertising?

Should we stay on the topic of selfishness and greed? Or can we use some other arguments like Furan did?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Maimiti_Isabella, I have a question for you. In the topic of the essay above it is said
it makes people selfish and greedy for more and more goods
but the task asks
Do you think that there should be less advertising?

Should we stay on the topic of selfishness and greed? Or can we use some other arguments like Furan did?

it makes people selfish and greedy for more and more goods - this is given as an example of the drawbacks. We need to address the idea but there's absolutely no reason why we cannot introduce other ideas as well. Just to make it clear again: as long as these examples are addressed, we can move on to other ideas. The only problem here would be your ability to manage your time.

What Furan's done is actually completely different and from my point of view is unacceptable. He mentions the selfishness and greed problem is the Introduction but doesn't really address them further on in the essay, which means we have a clear case of poor cohesion.

There's another serious flaw with Furan's essay. In the Conclusion he's making recommendations on how to rectify the problem, which has nothing to do with the essay task.

Furan, из какой книги вы взяли эту тему? surroundung - это ваша ошибка или вы изначально скопировали тему с ошибкой?

[Goran Dražić]

it makes people selfish and greedy for more and more goods - this is given as an example of the drawbacks. We need to address the idea but there's absolutely no reason why we cannot introduce other ideas as well. Just to make it clear again: as long as these examples are addressed, we can move on to other ideas. The only problem here would be your ability to manage your time.

Thanks you for your comment! I have one more question. Quite often, when writing an introduction, we introduce two opposite ideas(like in the essay above). Does it mean that we should write a balanced atgument after that? You know, since we mentioned those ideas in the introduction.

This may sound really stupid, but the more you prepare, the more doubts you have I have written lots of essays, but now this essay caught me totally off-guards.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Thanks you for your comment! I have one more question. Quite often, when writing an introduction, we introduce two opposite ideas(like in the essay above). Does it mean that we should write a balanced atgument after that? You know, since we mentioned those ideas in the introduction.

This would depend on how you introduce these two conflicting ideas. If you allow for some concession (though blah-blah-blah, A seems to be blah-blah-blah), then there's no need for a balanced argument. In fact, in cases like this your arguments should be quite imbalanced. On the other hand, if you say 'some people blah-blah-blah, while others blah-blah-blah, then yes, these should be addressed equally within the essay body.

This may sound really stupid, but the more you prepare, the more doubts you have I have written lots of essays, but now this essay caught me totally off-guards.

I don't think so. It's just you're more aware of the problems you might encounter. I believe that if you had a topic like this you wouldn't have problems answering it in the test situation.

The more you study, the more you know.
The more you know, the more you forget.
The more you forget, the less you know.
So why study?