My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Покритикуйте пожалуйста новичка.

Не могу. Нет задания, т.е. что надо сделать: выразить свою точку зрения, выразить обе точки зрения, выразить обе и свою? - Любое слово в задании жизненно важно для правильного написания эссе, т.е. для выполнения условия task achievement. Выбор тех или иных лексических или грамматических структур также зависит от формулировки задания.

People in developed countries have the tendency to buy more and more things (whether they need them or not). Is it a positive or a negative development?

[realset]

Не могу. Нет задания, т.е. что надо сделать:

Т.е. вы хотите сказать, что так реальное задание сформулировано быть не может? Вопрос "Is it a positive or a negative development?" должен обязательно сопровождаться дополнительными инструкциями?
Я это задание брал с иелтс блог ком. Допускаю, конечно, что может быть все очень неточно передано.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Т.е. вы хотите сказать, что так реальное задание сформулировано быть не может? Вопрос "Is it a positive or a negative development?" должен обязательно сопровождаться дополнительными инструкциями?

But of course! Check out any decent IELTS prep book and you'll see that at least 2 more vital points are missing: the focus of the essay and the task, i.e. what you have to do and how you have to do it.

Я это задание брал с иелтс блог ком. Допускаю, конечно, что может быть все очень неточно передано.

[realset]

Maimiti_Isabella, Спасибо за быстрый ответ. В данном случае пытался выразить обе точки зрения и выдать свою. Буду аккуратней в выборе тем для тренировок.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Maimiti_Isabella, Спасибо за быстрый ответ. В данном случае пытался выразить обе точки зрения и выдать свою. Буду аккуратней в выборе тем для тренировок.

Сейчас поздно, так что проверять не буду (может, кто другой проверит), но пару замечаний, из того что бросается в глаза. Очень неплохое владение английским при наличии элементарных грамматических и лексических ошибок. Даже не сомневаюсь, что при 'живом общении' вы вполне себе ничего, но на экзамене это может сыграть против вас.

Итак:
The common trend in modern rich countries is the consumption of more and more products, even without a real need. People often buy fancy clothes, modern gadgets and expensive cars just because they can afford it. Although such tendency is boosting economical growth, I would argue that this has more drawbacks then benefits.

* Не уверена, что я бы употребила 'rich' as a synonym of 'developed'. I'd say more economically advanced, well off, economically stable / richer / wealthier / wealthy, but not 'rich'.
* more and more - this is just too simple compared to the other parts of the paragraph --> excessive + noun / excessive consumption
* they can afford it --> them / this
* such a tendency
* economic vs. economical

Hopefully, somebody else will have a look.

Otherwise, g'night (it's well past midnight here) and I will get back to this essay tomorrow.

[Divo]

Покритикуйте пожалуйста новичка. Хочу 7

People in developed countries have the tendency to buy more and more things (whether they need them or not). Is it a positive or a negative development?

The common trend in modern rich countries is the consumption of more and more products, even without a real need. People often buy fancy clothes, modern gadgets and expensive cars just because they can afford it. Although such tendency is boosting economical growth, I would argue that this has more drawbacks then benefits.

To some extent, extensive purchases positively affect the economical situation. The economy of developed countries tends to be highly influenced by the level of customer's activity. A good illustration for this is the United States where income from internal customer consumption of goods and services is the largest part of the budget. Therefore, by buying things, no matter essential or not, people help manufacturers and the state to support constant growth.

On the other hand, consumerism has strong negative impact on environment. It is evident that excessive production harms environment through unnecessary consumption of limited natural resources and energy, which are required to produce goods. Thus, highly developed countries use their dominating position to obtain and utilize more gas, oil and water and at the same time produce much more waste and pollution than less prosperous neighbors.

Another point is that the tendency to buy more not only affects ecology, but also leads to a number of social problems. At first, the luxury shown by wealthy citizens from developed countries provokes envy of poor people and lead to instability and conflicts. In addition, the economy relying on high level of consumption becomes unbalanced. For instance, the recent descent of Detroit, the most important auto industry center in the U.S., was mainly caused by the domestic customers who lost their interest to car purchases.

Although there are both positive and negative effects of increasing buyers activity in developed countries, I am convinced that the disadvantages of the tendency outweigh the advantages.

modern rich countries - согласна с Maimiti_Isabella, не самая удачная перефраза. Я обычно использую wealthy nations, как синоним к developed countries (и poorer nations/countries, как антоним).
can afford it - опять же соглашусь с Maimiti_Isabella в части правильного употребления этого оборота + я бы еще уточнила, что financially afford.
has a strong negative impact - не забываем про артикли.
a number of social problems - issues, matters?
leads to instability - согласование формы глагола.
on a high level of consumption - артикль.

Это из того, что сходу бросилось в глаза. Более детальный разбор писать не берусь, т.к. мой уровень владения языком этого пока не позволяет.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

[B]....

Итак, у вас хороший английский (and I'm not trying to be nice here ), и вы понимаете как пишется эссе, если судить по этому одному-единственному на данный момент примеру. Проблем со структурой предложения и организацией идей тоже нет.

Ваша проблема - в элементарных ошибках в грамматике и иногда несколько неестественном выборе лексики.

7-ка скорее всего есть (judging from this essay), но глядя на проблемы, не могу гарантировать, что где-то не соб'етесь и не 'нарисуете' множество глупейших ошибок.

Что можно делать
Грамматика.
1. Много и упорно читать 'плохих' эссе на интернете и находить ошибки. Некоторым (но не всем!) это помогает обратить внимание на свои.
2. Найти кого-нибудь, кто будет проверять ваши эссе на грамматику, без комментариев, просто указывать на ошибки. Я уверена, что с вашим английским вы сами сумеете разобраться, почему и как исправить. Да и конкретные вопросы можно всегда и на форуме задать. Подобные услуги можно найти в Skype, только не нарвитесь на 'индуса' их им подобных. Т.е. совсем необязательно native speaker, но человек должен владеть современной грамматикой. Ничего не имею против 'индусов' - индус индусу рознь. Как правило, if it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is

Словарный запас и collocations
Читать и анализировать: this goes with that. Например, internal customer - совершенно невозможное collocation, да и вообще в данном контексте не подходит --> domestic consumers
Также вы увидите, что слово environment практически всегда употребляется с the --> the environment
through unnecessary consumption of limited natural resources and energy - В данном случае, exploitation ну просто напрашивается!

Читать следует 'хорошую' прессу, как например, The Economist, Scientific American (доступно в сети), и подобное. Уверена, что проблем с пониманием не будет. Обращайте внимание не на 'что сказал', а 'как сказал'.

[realset]

Огромное спасибо за анализ и ценные советы! Очень совпадает с моими внутренними ощущениями. Знания чисто практические, академическое изучение языка было очень давно. Буду подтягивать...

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Знания чисто практические, академическое изучение языка было очень давно. Буду подтягивать...

Это заметно. Но, как я уже сказала, при определенных усилиях не только 7, но и 8 - у вас в кармане.

Вернее так, вы вполне можете получить 8, а можете и не получить 7 Парадокс, но, увы, правда!

[CottonWood]

Здравствуйте! Проверьте мое эссе и скажите пожалуйста, на что мне обратить внимание и какую оценку я могу получить за такое сочинение?


Some people say that advertising encourages us to buy things we really do not need. Others say that advertisements tell us about new products that may improve our lives. Which viewpoint do you agree with? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.


Perhaps, people may urge that advertisement makes them to buy. However I think they just rationalize their bad choice. My opinion is that advertisement helps people to be aware about new products on the market and moreover it helps people to orientate in the modern world.

Initially, companies announce about new products or about upgrades of some old product through advertisement. So advertisement gives basic information about purpose of new product, its parameters and characteristics and how it may improve people lives. Knowing that people can decide if they need that product or not. When I decided to buy a new TV advertisement gave me information that there were two types of TV on the market. One type is with LCD screen and other is with a plasma screen. I also knew about vendors, famous size and guarantee period from advertisement. This data allowed me to obtain more detail information and made my choice.

Secondly, it is important to remember about social advertisement. For instance our government has made short social advertisement movies and showed them on TV during the prime – time. These were about how people can protect themselves from AIDS, from being sold to slavery, and about how it is significant to reminisce old relatives and to be in contact with them from time-to-time. Also they advertised healthy life without smoking and alcohol. In other words our government oriented its citizens to the better life.

To sum up, I think that advertisement gives people initial information which helps them to choose what they need. It also can give people orientations how to make their lives better.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Здравствуйте! Проверьте мое эссе и скажите пожалуйста, на что мне обратить внимание

На английкий. Во всех его проявлениях

и какую оценку я могу получить за такое сочинение?

5.5

[Goran Dražić]

In addition to what Maimiti_Isabella has just written.
Look at the task once again:

Some people say that advertising encourages us to buy things we really do not need. Others say that advertisements tell us about new products that may improve our lives. Which viewpoint do you agree with? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Now look at your second paragraph:

Secondly, it is important to remember about social advertisement. For instance our government has made short social advertisement movies and showed them on TV during the prime – time. These were about how people can protect themselves from AIDS, from being sold to slavery, and about how it is significant to reminisce old relatives and to be in contact with them from time-to-time. Also they advertised healthy life without smoking and alcohol. In other words our government oriented its citizens to the better life.

This is totally irrelevant

[CottonWood]

In addition to what Maimiti_Isabella has just written.
Look at the task once again:

Now look at your second paragraph:

This is totally irrelevant

Thank you

[CottonWood]

На английкий. Во всех его проявлениях

5.5

Спасибо и Вам!

[Goran Dražić]

My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

Topic:
Young children should stay in Kindergarten or nursery schools so that their mothers can return to work earlier. Do you agree or disagree with the opinion?

Essay:
Recent changes in the economic sphere go hand in hand with the changes in family life. Today, many women are forced to return to work soon after the birth of their children. This essay will put forward an idea that while the more time a mother spends with her children the better it is for them, in today's harsh realities, it may be better to return to work. By analysing the mother's role in children's life and the importance of financial well-being, I will prove the above stated position.

On the one hand, little children are extremely attached to their mothers. Being separated from the most close person they have may be a very traumatic experience for a child. As a result of an early separation, a child may develop a wide range of psyhological problems, including low self-esteem and intimacy issues. Therefore, it is in a mother's best interest to choose the child over the career.

However, having one bread winner is not an option for many families. Not only does not a young mother contribute to the family budget, but she also loses the skills important for her job. As a result, a family may start experiencing financial troubles, the consequences of which may be even more severe for a child. Obviously, attending a kindergarten is a sensible option in such circumstances.

To sum up, although it is wise for a mother to stay with her children for as much time as they need to become ready to be separated from her, some families cannot afford it. When financial well-being of the family is in danger, kindergartens may be the right way to go.