My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Goran Dražić]

I really don't understand what you mean.

Aren't you being helped by Maria Mirabell? Do you still want me to comment on your essay?

I was a little confused when I saw your first message. I must've misinterpreted it, so just ignore what I wrote.

Maria Mirabel does help me here, but it's not like I do not appreciate your on any other person's contribution.

So, to sum up, I still would be grateful if you provide some feedback. I am mostly interested in various vocabulary issues, like inappropriate register.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

I was a little confused when I saw your first message. I must've misinterpreted it, so just ignore what I wrote.

Maria Mirabel does help me here, but it's not like I do not appreciate your on any other person's contribution.

So, to sum up, I still would be grateful if you provide some feedback. I am mostly interested in various vocabulary issues, like inappropriate register.

I'm off the comp for a while but will be back in an hour or two Watch this space!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

...

Goran, I'd give it between 7.5 and 8 and I don't see a good and solid 8. As far as the register is concerned, it's consistent throughout the essay but not formal enough to show off your language skills.

What I mean is that you choice of words is often rather boring and most of your sentences are verb based and not noun based. If you want to go more formal, you need to work on your nominalisation skills. Do you know what it is?

Also, students will gain invaluable experience of communication with people with different way of thinking. - this is a verb based sentence. Now I'm going to 'nominalise' it, the easy way, by making the verb passive.

--> Invaluable experience in communicating with people of different walks of life and, therefore of different mentality, can be gained and developed when students find themselves in the above mentioned educational environment.

Another example (note how nominalisation allows me to combine two sentences):
However, both groupS are more likely to study more effectively when studying separately. Numerous extremely talented people, like Steve Jobbs, who dropped out from college or university clearly illustrate this idea.

-->However, as conclusively illustrated by Steve Jobbs and other famous college and university drop-outs, the most impressive results are achieved when students are grouped according to/ based on their abilities.

[Goran Dražić]

Maimiti_Isabella, wow, that was the most detailed comments I have ever gotten here. Thanks.

Being interested in different aspects of linguistics, I am surprised I have never heard about normalisation. Digging into it at the moment. Thanks for the useful tip.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Maimiti_Isabella, wow, that was the most detailed comments I have ever gotten here. Thanks.

Being interested in different aspects of linguistics, I am surprised I have never heard about normalisation. Digging into it at the moment. Thanks for the useful tip.

nominalisation: - click to see the word origin

a process for forming nouns from verbs (for example, ‘reaction’ from ‘react’ or ‘departure’ from ‘depart’) or adjectives (for example, ‘length’ from ‘long’, ‘eagerness’ from ‘eager’)
a process for forming noun groups/phrases from clauses (for example, ‘their destruction of the city’ from ‘they destroyed the city’)
nominalisation is a way of making a text more compact and is often a feature of texts that contain abstract ideas and concepts

(two links from Australian Unis that are appropriate and trustworthy. You can always check it out in Cambridge Grammar for IELTS)

http://www.une.edu.au/tlc/aso/studen...ve-passive.pdf
Academic Writing: Structures: Nominalisation

and one more:

https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&q...4fllMslZJyApGQ

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Wow! Не только я тебя, Горан, ревную к Изабелле, Но и Она тоже ревнут тебя ко мне!!! )))

Are you OK?

[realset]

Покритикуйте пожалуйста...
In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility.
What are your opinions on this?


Nowadays there are possibilities for children all over the world to earn money for some kind of job. Although children's paid work is often considered as a negative development I would argue that with some restrictions it is beneficial practice for society.


The important consideration about child's labour is that it should be voluntary and safe. I strongly convinced that children must not be forced to do any job for living. Unfortunately, this is often not the case in undeveloped countries, where young citizens are obliged to work and support themselves and their families. In addition, dangerous and hard work are definitely intolerable for minors and have to be illegal.


On the other hand, paid work can positively influence on children's development. At first, there is a chance to get vital experience and learn new skills which could possibly be useful in adult life. In my opinion, the earlier they understand the significance of their efforts and the rules of cooperative work the easier they will achieve success in the future. Another point is the opportunity for minors to earn some money and thus to understand its real value. Money received as a reward for some work are considered by minors in different way than allowance from parents. Therefore, the responsible, effective and economical behaviour of children could be developed.


Taking all the points into consideration, I believe that engagement in a paid work is a valuable experience for children. Although, measures should be taken to provide them freedom of choice and opportunities to work in appropriate conditions.

[Pale Fire]

Здравствуйте! Буду очень благодарна, если кто-нибудь найдет время проверить мою первую работу - пока не эссе, а только письмо. Необходимо сдать IELTS на все 7, так что не обойтись без помощи.

Задание:
You recently ordered a product from an online shop. The shop sent you the wrong product. Write a letter to the manager of the online shop. In your letter say what you ordered, describe what the shop sent you and explain what you want the manager to do.

Письмо (158 слов):
Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing you in relation to the order which I submitted on the October 16th. I ordered a Navy Blue Skirt from the Summer Fun collection in S size. The problem is that the parcel I received from you yesterday contained something completely different. There was a pair of men's shoes, which is obviously not what I expected.

The skirt was meant for my daughter as a birthday present, and now I will have to find something else, as I am running out of time.

You are kindly requested to send me the item I ordered as soon as possible. I would also like to know about any discounts or amends applicable in your company in such situations, considering the inconvenience arising from your failure to provide the service I paid for.

Please find the information on the SKU and method of payment at the bottom of the letter.

Sincerely yours,

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Здравствуйте! Буду очень благодарна, если кто-нибудь найдет время проверить мою первую работу - пока не эссе, а только письмо. Необходимо сдать IELTS на все 7, так что не обойтись без помощи.
,

Скажите, а можно и эссе тоже? I'd like to see the both to give a more balanced opinion.

There are several things in you letter that I really like but I'm not ready to comment until I see an essay.

[MArsBlessed]

не претендую на мастерство (или даже профессионализм! ), но все же, мне кажется, мои замечания будут корректны:

I am writing you in relation to the order which I submitted on the October 16th.

order озвучено в топике => purchase будет лучше
which I submitted => which was paid by me - слов больше, "Я" меньше

the parcel I received from you

not "from you", but "from your company/shop" -> подумайте над этим

which is obviously not what I expected.

which уже использовано - стоит подумать об альтернативе
I expected -> interrupted action in the past = past continuous = > I was expecting

The skirt was meant for my daughter as a birthday present, and now I will have to find something else, as I am running out of time.

Off-topic! могут не засчитать в количество слов!

arising from your failure

то же, что и про "посылку от вас"; обращение идет к менеджеру - он не делал ошибок и не посылал ничего, это делал кто-то из его подчиненных.

[inside]

Добрый день!
Покритикуйте пожалйста мой эссе. Буду очень благодарен!

Topic: The only way to reduce the amount of traffic in cities today is by reducing the need for people to travel from home for work, education or shopping. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Essay:
In today`s world, traffic jams in big cities are a major problem. A lot of people commute to a work, study, stores and spend much time, stucking on load roads everyday. Day by day this situation on the streets our cities becomes more puzzled and difficult. And the one of decision of this problem is reducing the need for people to travel from home for work, school and etc.

In my view, it would be a great idea if some people have opportunity to work at home. For many specialists, it is unnecessary to visit their office everyday. As a matter of fact, I don`t spend much time commuting to my work today. But when I lived in a previous flat, which located in suburb area, it took me in 2 times longer to arrive to job. I would be very glad, if I had a job, which I could do at home, without any traveling by overloaded roads. Also people can purchase food, dress and other household things in an on-line shop. Moreover, it is very simple and easy to buy less driving to the noisy mall. I hope we can do all it in the nearest future, sitting on an armchair by a laptop.

Nevertheless, we must consider this issue from another angle. It is well-known fact, that people, who work or study at home, often don`t have positive results in their activity. Because we can`t reach excellent tops in our action without contacts with colleagues, tutors, classmates and etc. We need have a communication for achieving our aims.

On balance, I can add we don`t must think only about reducing private cars. There is a main task to develop alternative public transport, such a subway or speed-tram. When cities have modern transports net, we will feel comfortable and convenient during our traveling on the city roads.

[Pale Fire]

Maimiti_Isabella, I haven't written an essay yet, but I promise I'll do it later today.

MArsBlessed, большое спасибо за подробный разбор. Есть о чем подумать.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Nowadays (запятая) there are possibilities for children all over the world to earn money for (для работы? --> doing)some kind of job (work vs. job). Although children's paid work is often considered as a negative development (что здесь develop? I would argue that with some restrictions it is (article) beneficial practice for society (article) ...


Taking all the points into consideration, I believe that engagement in a paid work is a valuable experience for children. Although, measures should be taken to provide them (with) freedom of choice and opportunities to work in appropriate conditions.(the sentence is not complete)

Уважаемый realset, очень рекомендую сконцентрироваться на английском в первую очередь! В чем смысл проверки эссе, если вы не готовы к сдаче экзамена на приличную оценку из-за вашего уровня английского?

Besides, your Introductory paragraph indicates that you're going to prove that it is beneficial for the society while your conclusion is about the benefits for children. Hence, there's a big problem with cohesion and task achievement.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Добрый день!
Покритикуйте пожалйста мой эссе. Буду очень благодарен!

Topic: The only way to reduce the amount of traffic in cities today is by reducing the need for people to travel from home for work, education or shopping. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Essay:
In today`s world, traffic jams in big cities are a major problem. A lot of people commute to a work, study, stores and spend much time, stucking on load roads everyday. Day by day this situation on the streets our cities becomes more puzzled and difficult. And the one of decision of this problem is reducing the need for people to travel from home for work, school and etc.

In my view, it would be a great idea if some people have opportunity to work at home. For many specialists, it is unnecessary to visit their office everyday. As a matter of fact, I don`t spend much time commuting to my work today. But when I lived in a previous flat, which located in suburb area, it took me in 2 times longer to arrive to job. I would be very glad, if I had a job, which I could do at home, without any traveling by overloaded roads. Also people can purchase food, dress and other household things in an on-line shop. Moreover, it is very simple and easy to buy less driving to the noisy mall. I hope we can do all it in the nearest future, sitting on an armchair by a laptop.

Nevertheless, we must consider this issue from another angle. It is well-known fact, that people, who work or study at home, often don`t have positive results in their activity. Because we can`t reach excellent tops in our action without contacts with colleagues, tutors, classmates and etc. We need have a communication for achieving our aims.

On balance, I can add we don`t must think only about reducing private cars. There is a main task to develop alternative public transport, such a subway or speed-tram. When cities have modern transports net, we will feel comfortable and convenient during our traveling on the city roads.

Between 5 and 5.5

Too many mistakes and problems to correct. Sorry.

[inside]

Between 5 and 5.5

Too many mistakes and problems to correct. Sorry.

Спасибо большое... но хотя бы на основные моменты можете сделать акцент..буду очень благодарен!!!