My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Miamiti_Isabella, спасибо большое за беспристрастную оценку. Что не ответила на вопрос - сама не заметила в порыве накручивания сложноподчиненных предложений!

[Polina_K]

Добрый день, дорогие форумчане. Выкладываю на обсуждение свое второе эссе. Интересеует, на сколько баллов потянет такая работа. (цель - 7 баллов, в прошлом получилось. но не уверена в стабильности результата. Хочется понять критические "косяки").

чуть добавлю к предыдущим комментаторам:

Меня смущает во введении "has changed ... to becoming more useful" - два глагола изменений подряд, типа масло масляное

Слишком много Present Perfect
He has never made business - он же уже не живёт

as technology has been developed - лучше бы Past Continuous

the other one (нельзя вместе the + another)

under those circumstances

an issue of great importance (без артикля перед importance, это неисчисляемое)

the invention of computer (нужен определённый артикль перед of phrase)

education - не уверена, что можно во множественном, ни разу не встречала

[katero]

Thank you, Polina_K!))

чуть добавлю к предыдущим комментаторам:

Меня смущает во введении "has changed ... to becoming more useful" - два глагола изменений подряд, типа масло масляное

Слишком много Present Perfect
He has never made business - он же уже не живёт

as technology has been developed - лучше бы Past Continuous

the other one (нельзя вместе the + another)

under those circumstances

an issue of great importance (без артикля перед importance, это неисчисляемое)

the invention of computer (нужен определённый артикль перед of phrase)

education - не уверена, что можно во множественном, ни разу не встречала

Polina_K, спасибо большое за разбор полета. Вопрос:
1) вместо "He has never made business" лучше сказать "He had never made business"? (Past perfect?)

2) вместо "as technology has been developed" лучше сказать "as technology was developing"?

3) как лучше выразить мысль, зашифрованную в послании "has changed ... to becoming more useful" (хотела сказать, что "за всю историю человечества университетское образование трансформировалось от чисто академического до более практического")?

Катя

[Polina_K]

Polina_K, спасибо большое за разбор полета. Вопрос:
1) вместо "He has never made business" лучше сказать "He had never made business"? (Past perfect?)

2) вместо "as technology has been developed" лучше сказать "as technology was developing"?

3) как лучше выразить мысль, зашифрованную в послании "has changed ... to becoming more useful" (хотела сказать, что "за всю историю человечества университетское образование трансформировалось от чисто академического до более практического")?

Катя

1) Я бы попроще написала He did not apply his scientific discoveries to real life practices

2) да

3) я бы как-то так сформулировала "the focus of education has shifted from purely scientific disciplines to their practical application"

[yamov]

after graduating the university

Graduate нужно использовать с предлогом from, когда он означает "окончить" учебное заведение. Graduate без предлога имеет значение "выпустить" ученика:
Students graduate from universities.
Universities graduate students.

Это распространенная ошибка даже у тех, для кого английский – родной, как я понял. Я об этой ошибке узнал из подкастов Grammar Girl, которые она читает для нейтив спикеров, разбирая распространенные грамматические и лингвистические ошибки в речи (Am E).
Подкасты бесплатные, кстати. Кому интересно, можете в iTunes подписаться.

[Dremlin]

Some cultures value old age while others value young age. Discuss both attitudes and express your opinion.

The issue of the encouragement of the old generation versus the young one has been hotly debating for a past couple centuries in the contemporary society. Some people claim that aged people are more valuable thanks to their life experience and wisdom while opponents argue that younger individuals have more perspective to contribute into nation’s prosperity. In this essay, both sides of the argument will be discussed and my personal opinion will be given in the end.

On the one hand, old persons are holders of precious life experience, cultural traditions and knowledge that younger generation might obtain from them. There is no doubt that older generation is wiser than younger one thanks to theirs experienced long life and the latter ought to interact with elderlies in many spheres not only of the daily routine but also in terms of education, cultural heritage and science. This fact can be backed by the example when professors in universities teach youngsters or grand-parents help to their children in upbringing of grandchildren. Therefore, aged individuals are a great source of the life experience, knowledge and traditions that the society ought to take into account for the harmonious development of the culture and nation.

On the other hand, younger generation is very ambitious, creative, energetic and full of strength who are the creators of new families and initiators of innovation ideas. Young people are founders of new tendencies in the society. They are potentially new eminent scientists, teachers and doctors who will be working, living and developing economy of the country. Moreover, only women of childbearing age are able to give birth to a child and healthy persons can serve in army in order to defend the nation against attack by the enemy. Hence, it is obvious that the importance of the younger generation cannot be underestimated in the society due to its good health condition, physical strength, ability to give birth to children and grow them up.

To sum up, aged people ought to share with younger ones by accumulated life experience, traditions and knowledge that the latters might not know or have. Although younger generation is the future of the nation and the “skeleton” of the prosperity and well-being in the country. I strongly believe that both generations are extremely important for the healthy development of any nation.

[Dremlin]

Please, assess my letter and give the mark.

You have recently moved to a different house
Write a letter to an English speaking friend
Explain why you have moved
Describe the new house
Invite your friend to come and visit


Dear Simon,
I am so sorry for not writing to you for so long time. I was very busy due to my movement from old house to another one. Fortunately, I eventually have found time enough to write you this letter.

I would like to say you that I am so happy because I with my family have changed our location. This could possible because I had been offered a new job in Astana city. When I got the proposal I and my wife April were not confident about our new accommodation because we were going to bad-known city where we did not have any relatives or friends. But now I am very satisfied because we bought wonderful house and it is bigger than previous one. It consists of a garage for our two cars, hall, three living rooms, one bed room and a small garden. Thus, our children have separate rooms; therefore, Billy and Maggie have their own private space in the house. Can you believe it how we were surprised when saw huge kitchen here that made April so happy too.

So we have just finished refurbishing works inside of the house and now we can receive guests. Do you see what I make hints about? Yes, you are right! I and April would like to invite you to Astana. As far as I remember, you wanted to visit this city and now you have a great opportunity to do that.

We are looking forward to visiting by you and we will be very glad to see you in our new house.

With best wishes,
Andrew and April

[Monday]

Dremlin, мне трудно судить и тем более оценивать, просто парочку советов на вскидку - для переездов есть хорошее слово relocation, часто встречается. И еще, много где об этом говорится, города всегда the city of London/Moskow/Almaty. Говорят NY City, но это потому что есть одноименный штат.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Please, assess my letter and give the mark.

You have recently moved to a different house
Write a letter to an English speaking friend
Explain why you have moved
Describe the new house
Invite your friend to come and visit


Dear Simon,
I am so sorry for not writing to you for so long time. I was very busy due to my movement from old house to another one. Fortunately, I eventually have found time enough to write you this letter.

I would like to say you that I am so happy because I with my family have changed our location. This could possible because I had been offered a new job in Astana city. When I got the proposal I and my wife April were not confident about our new accommodation because we were going to bad-known city where we did not have any relatives or friends. But now I am very satisfied because we bought wonderful house and it is bigger than previous one. It consists of a garage for our two cars, hall, three living rooms, one bed room and a small garden. Thus, our children have separate rooms; therefore, Billy and Maggie have their own private space in the house. Can you believe it how we were surprised when saw huge kitchen here that made April so happy too.

So we have just finished refurbishing works inside of the house and now we can receive guests. Do you see what I make hints about? Yes, you are right! I and April would like to invite you to Astana. As far as I remember, you wanted to visit this city and now you have a great opportunity to do that.

We are looking forward to visiting by you and we will be very glad to see you in our new house.

With best wishes,
Andrew and April

5.5
(ошибка на ошибке, даже не знаю откуда начинать )

[Dremlin]

5.5
(ошибка на ошибке, даже не знаю откуда начинать )

Можно с самого начала.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Можно с самого начала.

не могу: надо абсолютно все переписывать, а не исправлять. Sorry, но это не английский. Вам надо развивать английский язык

[Dremlin]

не могу: надо абсолютно все переписывать, а не исправлять. Sorry, но это не английский. Вам надо развивать английский язык

Ok. А что по поводу эссе скажите? Какой бал?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Ok. А что по поводу эссе скажите? Какой балл?

То же самое. Или даже 5 - смотря как оценят Task Achievement.

[Dremlin]

То же самое. Или даже 5 - смотря как оценят Task Achievement.

Ок.
А как сейчас письмо?

Dear Simon,
I am so sorry for not writing to you for such long time. I was very busy due to my movement from an old house to another one. Fortunately, I eventually have found enough time to write you this letter.
I would like to say to you that I am so happy that I and my family have changed our location. This became to be possible due to the fact that I had been offered a new job in Astana city. When I got the proposal I and my wife April were not so confident about our new accommodation because we were going to unknown city where we did not have any relatives or friends. But now I am very satisfied because we bought a wonderful house and it is bigger than the previous one. It consists of a garage for our two cars, a hall, two living rooms, one master bed room a kid’s room and a small back garden. Thus, our children will have separate rooms; therefore, Billy and Maggie have their own private space in the house. Can you believe it how we were surprised to see a big size kitchen that was liked by my wife April.
So we have just finished decorating works inside of the house and now we can invite guests to stay over. I and April can not wait to invite you to Astana. As far as I remember, you have been looking forward to visit this city.
We are looking forward to seeing you in our new house.

Best wishes,
Andrew and April

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Ок.
А как сейчас письмо?

Dear Simon,
I am so sorry for not writing to you for such long time. I was very busy due to my movement from an old house to another one. Fortunately, I eventually have found enough time to write you this letter.
I would like to say to you that I am so happy that I and my family have changed our location. This became to be possible due to the fact that I had been offered a new job in Astana city. When I got the proposal I and my wife April were not so confident about our new accommodation because we were going to unknown city where we did not have any relatives or friends. But now I am very satisfied because we bought a wonderful house and it is bigger than the previous one. It consists of a garage for our two cars, a hall, two living rooms, one master bed room a kid’s room and a small back garden. Thus, our children will have separate rooms; therefore, Billy and Maggie have their own private space in the house. Can you believe it how we were surprised to see a big size kitchen that was liked by my wife April.
So we have just finished decorating works inside of the house and now we can invite guests to stay over. I and April can not wait to invite you to Astana. As far as I remember, you have been looking forward to visit this city.
We are looking forward to seeing you in our new house.

Best wishes,
Andrew and April

Чуть-чуть лучше, так как исправили пару ошибок. Но у вас даже стиль не правильный: это должно быть письмо другу, судя по заданию, а не офицальный отчет.