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My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!
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Дайте, пожалуйста оценку моему эссе. Заранее спасибо!
A rise in the standard of living in a country often only seems to benefit cities rather than rural areas. What problems might this difference cause? How might they be reduced?
The Modern world has experienced a substantial rise in the quality of life. However, this increase influences mainly urban areas, rather than the countryside.
This contrast between cities and rural areas may cause some earnest problems that might make life in the country much more unpleasant and uncomfortable. First of all, there is a high rate of unemployment in the countryside. For instance, in Russia the vast majority of companies are based in big cities, whereas small towns and villages hardly have any. Due to this, a huge amount of people are leaving their homes looking for a job and a better life. Another case in point is medical care. It is evident that the quality of medical services in cities is higher than in rural areas. According to the World Health Organization, the highest death rate, particularly in developing countries, is recorded in the countryside.
Nevertheless, there are ways to improve the situation. The differences in the quality of life would slowly diminish, if funding from the state treasury was increased. This approach would certainly give new roads, hospitals and facilities and therefore create new opportunities for villages and small towns. Another technique to fill the gap is to create new jobs in rural areas by stimulation of companies and individuals to start up businesses. People would have a far more better quality of life if they were given chances to earn enough money. For example, there is a governmental program in Russia that helps to create a business in the country, and it is believed that this will help to reduce the rate of unemployment there.
Although, the gap between cities and the countryside causes a great number of issues, such as unemployment and poor medical care, there are many ways to improve this. More funding and creation of new jobs could make the life in villages much better and pleasant.
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Сообщение от Arnasay Посмотреть сообщениеДайте, пожалуйста оценку моему эссе. Заранее спасибо!
Пару комментариев ещё по тексту, полужирным
A rise in the standard of living in a country often only seems to benefit cities rather than rural areas. What problems might this difference cause? How might they be reduced?
The Modern (зачем заглавная буква?)world has experienced a substantial rise in the quality of life. However, this increase influences (я бы лучше употребила "is observed" либо "mainly urban areas take advantage of this positive development") mainly urban areas, rather than the countryside.
This contrast between cities and rural areas may cause some earnest (лучше serious problems, earnest больше сочетается с earnest man, earnest conversation) problems that might make life in the country much more unpleasant and uncomfortable. First of all, there is a high rate of unemployment in the countryside. For instance, in Russia (обстоятельство места лучше ставить после подлежащего и сказуемого) the vast majority of companies are based in big cities, whereas small towns and villages hardly have any small or medium business. Due to this, a huge amount of people are leaving their homes looking for a job and a better life. Another case in point (я бы написала "another point to consider") is medical care. It is evident that the quality of medical services in cities is higher than it is in rural areas. According to the World Health Organization, the highest death rate, particularly in developing countries, is recorded in the countryside.
Nevertheless, there are ways to improve the situation. The differences in the quality of life would slowly diminish, if funding from the state treasury was increased. This approach would certainly give new roads, hospitals and facilities and therefore (выделить запятыми therefore) create new opportunities for villages and small towns. Another technique to fill the gap is to create new jobs in rural areas by stimulation of companies and individuals to start up businesses. People would have a far more better (нельзя more перед better) quality of life if they were given chances to earn enough money. For example, there is a governmental program in Russia that helps (лучше assists individuals in....) to create a business in the country, and it is believed that this will help to reduce the rate of unemployment there.
Although, (не надо зпт) the gap between cities and the countryside causes a great number of issues, such as unemployment and poor medical care, there are many ways to improve this. More funding and creation of new jobs could make the life in villages much better and more pleasant.
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Сообщение от Arnasay Посмотреть сообщениеДайте, пожалуйста оценку моему эссе. Заранее спасибо!
A rise in the standard of living in a country often only seems to benefit cities rather than rural areas. What problems might this difference cause? How might they be reduced?
The Modern world has experienced a substantial rise in the quality of life. However, this increase influences mainly urban areas, rather than the countryside.
This contrast between cities and rural areas may cause some earnest problems that might make life in the country much more unpleasant and uncomfortable. First of all, there is a high rate of unemployment in the countryside. For instance, in Russia the vast majority of companies are based in big cities, whereas small towns and villages hardly have any. Due to this, a huge amount of people are leaving their homes looking for a job and a better life. Another case in point is medical care. It is evident that the quality of medical services in cities is higher than in rural areas. According to the World Health Organization, the highest death rate, particularly in developing countries, is recorded in the countryside.
Nevertheless, there are ways to improve the situation. The differences in the quality of life would slowly diminish, if funding from the state treasury was increased. This approach would certainly give new roads, hospitals and facilities and therefore create new opportunities for villages and small towns. Another technique to fill the gap is to create new jobs in rural areas by stimulation of companies and individuals to start up businesses. People would have a far more better quality of life if they were given chances to earn enough money. For example, there is a governmental program in Russia that helps to create a business in the country, and it is believed that this will help to reduce the rate of unemployment there.
Although, the gap between cities and the countryside causes a great number of issues, such as unemployment and poor medical care, there are many ways to improve this. More funding and creation of new jobs could make the life in villages much better and pleasant.
Кстати, many ways to improve this (=gap) означает, что вы хотите сделать его еще больше?____________
Сообщение от bolo83всезнающая дама предпенсионного возраста, которая сама непонятно как попала в Австралию
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Сообщение от Polina_K Посмотреть сообщениеНравится структура, перефраз и примеры. И использование условного наклонения.
Пару комментариев ещё по тексту, полужирным
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Сообщение от Maimiti_Isabella Посмотреть сообщениеЯ не уверена, что вы ответили на вопрос задания. Т.е. я не уверена, что IELTS marker даст хороший балл за раскрытие темы. Вы в основном сравниваете город и деревню, а вопрос был совсем в другом - влияние современного стиля жизни на расширение gaps между городом и деревней и что надо делать чтобы этот gap уменьшить.
Кстати, many ways to improve this (=gap) означает, что вы хотите сделать его еще больше?
А, что вы думаете по поводу такого варианта?
Although the gap between cities and the countryside causes a great number of issues, such as unemployment and poor medical care, there are many ways to solve them.
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Сообщение от Arnasay Посмотреть сообщениеТ.е. я должен был не сравнивать, а четко написать, что из-за разницы в качестве жизни, в сельской местности гораздо более высокий уровень безработицы по сравнению с городом, и что это может, например вызывать отток населения оттуда в города, я правильно понимаю?
Сначала надо написать чем вызвана эта разница в уровне жизни и какое отношение это разница имеет к улучшению стандарта жизни. Т.е. все больше и больше условий для полноценной жизни в городе, а на селе это мало отражается. Следовательно - отток населения, особенно молодежи, из села в город. Примеры - театры, клубы, и т.д. Нет молодежи - нет развития села. И т.д.
И на какой балл, по вашему мнению, написано данное эссе?
А, что вы думаете по поводу такого варианта?
Although the gap between cities and the countryside causes a great number of issues, such as unemployment and poor medical care, there are many ways to solve them.
Но самое главное, Вы опять перепутали cause and effect. It's the issues that cause the gap!
У вас хороший английский, но судя по этому эссе you don't analyse the essay task, which might potentially have a disastrous effect on your overall score.____________
Сообщение от bolo83всезнающая дама предпенсионного возраста, которая сама непонятно как попала в Австралию
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Сообщение от Maimiti_Isabella Посмотреть сообщениене совсем так.
Сначала надо написать чем вызвана эта разница в уровне жизни и какое отношение это разница имеет к улучшению стандарта жизни. Т.е. все больше и больше условий для полноценной жизни в городе, а на селе это мало отражается. Следовательно - отток населения, особенно молодежи, из села в город. Примеры - театры, клубы, и т.д. Нет молодежи - нет развития села. И т.д.
Думаю, что на 7.5
Кого/ чего them?
Но самое главное, Вы опять перепутали cause and effect. It's the issues that cause the gap!
У вас хороший английский, но судя по этому эссе you don't analyse the essay task, which might potentially have a disastrous effect on your overall score.Last edited by Arnasay; 30.08.2012, 04:29.
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A friend has agreed to look after your house and pet while you are on holiday.
Write a letter to your friend. In your letter
• give contact details for when you are away
• give instructions about how to care for your pet
• describe other household duties
Write at least 150 words.
You do NOT need to write any addresses.
Begin your letter as follows:
Dear...............,
Dear David,
I hope you're well and looking forward to your stay at my place. I'm just writing to tell you a few things that you'll need to know.
I'll take my departure the day after tomorrow at 5.00 in the morning so you can come to me that very day. You can pick up the keys from my neighbor Ms Evans who lives in apartments next to mine. She'll be expecting you and she'll tell you which key is which.
Here are some instructions concerning the taking care about aquarium fish. It has to be fed twice per day so give it a table spoon of bloodworms in the morning and the same doze before the down. I keep it on the bottom of freezer and it wouldn't be a task for you to find it. You should also change the half volume of water in tank twice per week and clean the aqua-filter.
There are some housekeeping works as well that you need to carry out. On the balcony you can find a few pots with flowers which need to be watered at least once per day. Besides that, don't forget to take out the trash timely, otherwise there would be a lot of cockroaches in the kitchen.
Enjoy your stay and thank you very much for looking after my flat.
See you soon,
George
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Сообщение от Bozici Посмотреть сообщениедрузья, нужно ли разделять параграфы эссе пустой строчкой или достаточно новый параграф начать с красной строки?
тот же вопрос и про письма: нужно ли оставлять пустые строки после обращения, между параграфами и перед подписью?24/04/12 IEA Electronics Engineer
09/06/12 IELTS-L8.5,R7.0,W6.0,S6.5, 05/09/12 EOR, results changed to L8.5,R7.0,W7.0,S7.0
10/09/12 Sponsorship-WA, 11/10/12 invitation, 12/10/12 Lodge, 29/10/12 CO, 01/02/13 GRANT
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Сообщение от Bozici Посмотреть сообщениедрузья, нужно ли разделять параграфы эссе пустой строчкой или достаточно новый параграф начать с красной строки?
тот же вопрос и про письма: нужно ли оставлять пустые строки после обращения, между параграфами и перед подписью?
1. визуально намного легче для IELTS marker.
2. Если предудущий абзац заканчивается в самом конце строки, то становится совершенно понятно, что это новый абзац.
3. легче исправлять/добавлять/изменять во время proof reading.Last edited by Maimiti_Isabella; 02.09.2012, 16:18.____________
Сообщение от bolo83всезнающая дама предпенсионного возраста, которая сама непонятно как попала в Австралию
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Сообщение от Bozici Посмотреть сообщениебольшое спасибо за ответы!
по мне логичнее не оставлять никаких пустых строк и если это не ошибка, то так и буду делать.
а параграфы, я считаю, в первую очередь должны по смыслу разделяться.____________
Сообщение от bolo83всезнающая дама предпенсионного возраста, которая сама непонятно как попала в Австралию
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не, главнее всего:
Сообщение от Maimiti_Isabella Посмотреть сообщениеИ так, и так. Не имеет значения. Главное, чтобы было четко видно, что это новый абзац. Но лично я советую пропускать строчку, и для этого есть по крайней мере 3 причины.
1. визуально намного легче для IELTS marker.
2. Если предудущий абзац заканчивается в самом конце строки, то становится совершенно понятно, что это новый абзац.
3. легче исправлять/добавлять/изменять во время proof reading.I'm Swiss (c)
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