My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[smandler]

Спасибо большое за комментарии

Первый раз уговорила себя что-либо на писать на английском.
Неформальные письма, к сожалению, даже на русском пишу очень плохо, никогда не любила это проще позвонить

С подбором слов тяжко ибо английский учу недавно, но время есть...

[smandler]

еще одно теперь более формальное, чтобы определиться в каком направлении дальше двигаться.


You have received a letter from your bank, asking you to acknowledge receipt of a bank card. However, the card was missing from the envelope. Write a letter to the bank’s head office.

In your letter:
- explain why you are writing;
- express concern about the missing card;
- ask them what they intend to do.


Dear Sir/Madam

I am writing for you regarding my credit card that was ordered two weeks ago. The Astana branch of your bank has asked me to confirm the receiving but I could not do it because the card missed.

When I have convinced the cover had not contained anything besides the letter, I was extremely worried. I immediately phoned the call center to find out what happened. Unfortunately, the operator, which answered me, could not give me an appropriate explanation.

What should I do if someone has stolen my card? I tend to believe you could, for solving this problem, close the missed card and reopen new one.

I am sure you will understand that this issue is causing me considerable inconvenience and expense, and I am anxious to have it settled as soon as possible. I look forward to receiving a replacement as soon as possible.

Yours faithfully,
Svetlana Mandler

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Спасибо большое за комментарии

Первый раз уговорила себя что-либо на писать на английском.
Неформальные письма, к сожалению, даже на русском пишу очень плохо, никогда не любила это проще позвонить

С подбором слов тяжко ибо английский учу недавно, но время есть...

Тогда может стоит рассмотрить вариант сдачи Academic - никакой неформальности нет
Некоторым легче сдавать его, чем General

[smandler]

Тогда может стоит рассмотрить вариант сдачи Academic - никакой неформальности нет
Некоторым легче сдавать его, чем General

Вот об этом я почему то не подумала...

С другой стороны, а кому легко Может все таки пора научиться писать не только официальные письма... Потренируюсь пару месяцев, если лучше не станет придется сдавать Academic.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Всем привет.
Буду признателен, если сможете мой Academic writing таск 1 просмотреть.
Спасибо!

само задание во вложении.


The given graph illustrates how the three sectors – agriculture, manufacturing and business and financial sector contributed to the UK economy in the twentieth century. There were four significant periods of time selected – 1900, 1950, 1975 and 2000.
It is shown that initially in 1900 the most considerable impact on the economy was given by agriculture and manufacturing (49 and 47 per cent respectively). Then in 1950 influence of agriculture and business and financial sector slightly increased (53 and 9 per cent accordingly). Whereas effect of manufacturing on UK economy decreased to 38 per cent. The 1975 year demonstrates that contribution of agriculture dropped dramatically to 10 per cent. In the same period of time the meaningfulness of the manufacturing in UK economy shrank to 35 per cent and effect of business and financial sector increased significantly to 22 per cent. The last year recorded the further drop of agriculture and manufacturing (3 and 15 per cent respectively) and considerable increase of influence of business and financial sector (35 per cent).
To sum up, constant drop of contribution of agriculture and manufacturing in economy of UK is observed during twentieth century. On the other side there was a steady increase of influence of business and financial sector.

Думаю, что 6. Есть confusion of tenses (blue), a a serious mistake in sentence structure (green), a 'good example of Runglish (orange), mistakes with articles.
But overall, it's clear that with some practice you can get a good mark: you've got the skills and the vocab. And your grammar seems to be OK.

[Polina_K]

еще одно теперь более формальное, чтобы определиться в каком направлении дальше двигаться.


You have received a letter from your bank, asking you to acknowledge receipt of a bank card. However, the card was missing from the envelope. Write a letter to the bank’s head office.

In your letter:
- explain why you are writing;
- express concern about the missing card;
- ask them what they intend to do.


Dear Sir/Madam

I am writing to you regarding my credit card that was ordered two weeks ago. The Astana branch of your bank (has asked) requested me to confirm (the receiving) if I had received it, but I could not do (it) so because the card (missed) was lost.

When I (have convinced) discovered that the cover (had not contained) did not contain anything besides the letter, I was extremely worried. I immediately phoned the call center to find out what happened. Unfortunately, the operator, (which) who answered me, could not give me anу appropriate explanation - тут не нужно запятые.

What should I do if someone has stolen my card? (тон вопроса) I tend to believe you could, for solving this problem, (порядок слов) close the missed card and (reopen) issue a new one.

I am sure you will understand that this issue is causing me considerable inconvenience and expense, and I am anxious to have it settled as soon as possible. I look forward to receiving a replacement as soon as possible.

Yours faithfully,
Svetlana Mandler

Хорошее начало и конец, но не раскрыт пункт "выяснить намерения банка". Вместо этого вы предлагаете решения.

[smandler]

Хорошее начало и конец, но не раскрыт пункт "выяснить намерения банка". Вместо этого вы предлагаете решения.

Ой, спасибо, вот эта моя рассеянность все портит %(

[orionix]

Думаю, что 6. Есть confusion of tenses (blue), a a serious mistake in sentence structure (green), a 'good example of Runglish (orange), mistakes with articles.
But overall, it's clear that with some practice you can get a good mark: you've got the skills and the vocab. And your grammar seems to be OK.

Thank you for an immediate and profound analysis!

[Esperanca]

Проверьте, пожалуйста, мое сочинение. У меня тут большие сомнения на счет task achievement. Сомневаюсь, что удалось раскрыть тему, но ничего умного про disadvantages не пришло в голову.

Private companies that support and carry out scientific research are spending more than governments these days. Do the advantages of this development outweigh its disadvantages? Explain and give your reasons.


In contemporary world scientific research is conducted and financed mainly by private firms rather than governments. The benefits of this tendency and its drawbacks have been a subject of debate. Analysis of both sides of the argument will be conducted prior to drawing a conclusion.

In competitive and challenging business world companies are determined to develop new ways of profit maximisation. To distinct from counterparts firms are compelled to develop new products via conduction of scientific and marketing research. Particularly occurred in information technology industry, this research leads to invention of new devices and software that boosts information progress. Having limited financial resources governments are unable to support all these developments. Thus the benefits of conducting research by private companies are obvious.

On the other hand, firms aim to gain profitable outcome and therefore are not encouraged to conduct research that might be beneficial for society but brings less thriving results for businesses. The health industry, for instance, is generally supported by governments due to lack of private companies’ involvement. Profit driven entities find the research in such areas rather vulnerable: not only is it time consuming process and requires significant financial investment but also it leads to uncertain outcome and high possibility of failure. Therefore, many fields that require research are ignored by private companies that may result into negative impact on society’s wellbeing.

To sum up, governments are unable to subsidise all research necessary for countries’ development. As a result, the progress in information technology and other industries would be impossible without private sector support. Even though there are some deterrent effects of conducting scientific research by businesses the benefits of doing so outweigh its drawbacks.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

....

Хорошо написано, но есть несколько серьезных проблем с артиклями, несколько 'недоданных' запятых и пару слов которые либо употреблены неверно, либо странно. Я просто исправлю один абзац, для примера.

On the other hand, firms aim to gain profitable outcome and therefore are not encouraged to conduct research that might be beneficial for society but brings less thriving results for businesses --> business (you are not referring to different businesses here but rather to the idea). The health industry, for instance, is generally supported by governments due to lack of private companies’ involvement. Profit driven entities find the (no article - general idea and not a specific research) research in such areas rather vulnerable (a very strange choice of word - why is it vulnerable? And you're not giving any reasons for its vulnerability): not only is it a time consuming process and requires significant financial investment but also it --> it also leads to an uncertain outcome and a high possibility of failure. Therefore, many fields that require research are ignored by private companies that --> , which may result into -> in a -negative impact on society’s wellbeing.

In the first body paragraph you need to introduce a couple of commas to make the text clearer and easier to follow.
1) To distinct from counterparts, firms ... - btw, 'distinct' is an adjective and I've never seen it used as a verb. I even conducted my own little investigation with the help of google - no result for verbs. However, for some strange reason it doesn't really seem to be completely out of place here .
2) Having limited financial resources, governments
3) Thus, the benefits of conducting

Well, I guess this is a way for you to move forward at this stage: invest some time into looking into the use of articles and commas.

[will.i.am]

Подскажите такую штуку.

ielts-simon пишет/советует:

The examiners' band descriptor sheet states that a band 7 essay "presents a clear position throughout the response".


A "clear position" means that your opinion must be clear (if the question asks for it), and "throughout the response" means from the beginning to the end of your essay.

For this reason, it's a bad idea to save your opinion for the conclusion. We don't like 'surprise conclusions' in English academic writing. Instead, you should state your position in the introduction, support it in your main paragraphs, and repeat or summarise it in the conclusion.

В других же книгах типа Simone Braverman Target Band 7 дается совет оставлять опинион на конклужн.

Что из двух вариантов верно?

[Divo]

Подскажите такую штуку.

ielts-simon пишет/советует:
В других же книгах типа Simone Braverman Target Band 7 дается совет оставлять опинион на конклужн.

Что из двух вариантов верно?

Мне кажется, что подход Саймона более взвешенный и аргументированный. Да и Вам будет легче набрать необходимое количество слов в эссе, если дважды (в интро и в конклюжн) повторите свою точку зрения вместо того, чтобы насиловать мозг выдумкой дополнительных аргументов и примеров в боди-параграфах.

[Polina_K]

Подскажите такую штуку.

ielts-simon пишет/советует:
В других же книгах типа Simone Braverman Target Band 7 дается совет оставлять опинион на конклужн.

Что из двух вариантов верно?

Зависит от 1) типа эссэ и 2) выбранной структуры

Если тип "Discuss and give your opinion", лучше показать свою позицию в последнем абзаце "тела" и в заключении

Если тип "To what extent do you agree...", можно использовать либо тот же подход, что и в Discuss, либо структуру с указанием только своего мнения (в интро, теле и заключении)

[Monday]

Подскажите такую штуку.
Что из двух вариантов верно?

Я много раз слышала от преподавателей, что давать новую информацию (в т.ч. и свое мнение) в конклюжне не верно. Т.е. оно должно появиться где-то раньше, а потом повториться в заключении. И потом, мнение оно же подразумевает аргументы и прочее продолжение, а где с этим развернуться в заключении?

[Esperanca]

Maimiti_Isabella,спасибо за комментарии и правки. С артиклями у меня просто беда. Сколько ни читаю о них, никак не могу с ними справится. Во многих случаях я их просто наугад вставляю - иногда попадаю, иногда нет

На счет запятой после слова Thus. Я всегда ее ставила, но стала замечать, что во многих случаях ее не ставят. Наблюдала и в учебниках, и в академических статьях, и в новостных статьях. Поэтому я сейчас в замешательстве - ставить или нет. Наверное, лучше будет поставить, на всякий случай