My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Vladimir_S]

Я не люблю судить уровень английского по письму, но если 'судить', то Intermediate у вас уже есть. Вы эссе пишете? Выложите сюда одно какое-нибудь, чтобы посмотреть ваш реальный уровень английского. И если решите выложить, дайте знать какой балл вам нужен.

кстати, я совсем забыла, что были недовольные качеством вложения по пунктуации.

Так что держите doc. файл.

Что-то я не могу понять, загрузился он или нет. Если нет, то можно взять вот здесь:

Потрясающе! Все на тарелочке с голубой каемочкой... Как же можно быть недовольным!? Балованные морды Я в jpeg формате был рад заполучить, а doc - идеально! Еще раз спасибо.

[HighHope]

Добрый день! Уважаемые форумчане, прошу, пожалуйста, посмотрите и моё эссе. Очень нужны Ваша критика и оценка. Спасибо.

Some people consider computers to be more of a hindrance than a help. Others believe that they have greatly increased human potential. How could computers be considered a hindrance? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience.

My essay:
Today it is difficult to imagine our life without computers. However, some people believe that computer is not such useful invention of mankind. Others do not agree with this statement. In the following paragraphs I will give my opinion concerning this situation.

Nowadays we are using computers in all aspects of our life. Almost all people have computers at home. But not all of them think that a computer is a necessary thing and it can do our life better. Moreover, they consider computers as source of hindrances. The first thing, that has a bad influence on people, is computers games. It does not mean that all computers games are useless. There are a lot of educational games. I mean only games which make a negative impact on people, games which include a lot of violence. And not only children are dependent on these games. Some adult spend a lot of time in front of computer screens. They can devote this time to interesting activities, their health and their family or grow up like a specialists in their work. In addition sometimes computer games might be a reason of divorce.

In spite of this, from my point of view, the computers give us many opportunities. For example, artistries can create their pictures not only usual way with help of oil colors and brushes. They can do something new and extraordinary with help of special computer programs. It is truthfully and for musicians. Computer music gives us new culture and it is very popular now.

Taking into consideration what I have said above I would like to say that every person should decide how to use computers and possibilities which they have. Someone does something new, beautiful and indeed useful for society. Someone just spends empty time and destroy his life.

[Vanderley]

HighHope, второй боди параграф не соответствует тому что у вас спрашивают Вроде ж ясно написано:

How could computers be considered a hindrance? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience.

И заключение тоже никак не отвечает на поставленный вопрос.

[HighHope]

Да действительно. Спасибо. Почему-то выпало из головы когда писала... Не могу сконцетрироваться на задании, быстро прочитала и давай писать. Еще раз спасибо.

[Vanderley]

Очень советую писать план. Поверьте, это только сэкономит ваше время. Не надо будет "рожать" каждое предложение, стирать и заново переписывать. Плюс, самое глупое это потерять баллы за TA. Вы ведь можете четко ответить на вопрос и подкрепить ваш ответ "втемными примерами". Так зачем спешить и получать 5-6 за TA, если можно подумать, спланировать и получить как минимум 8? А это 0.5 балла всей оценки!

[Vanderley]

Вот вам ещё ошибки ваши. Там где подчеркивания не хватает артиклей, предлогов и пункиуации. Исправьте например.

Добрый день! Уважаемые форумчане, прошу, пожалуйста, посмотрите и моё эссе. Очень нужны Ваша критика и оценка. Спасибо.

Some people consider computers to be more of a hindrance than a help. Others believe that they have greatly increased human potential. How could computers be considered a hindrance? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience.

My essay:
Today it is difficult to imagine our life without computers. However, some people believe that computer is not such _ useful invention of _ mankind. Others do not agree with this statement. In the following paragraphs I will give my opinion concerning this situation.

Nowadays we are using computers in all aspects of our life. Almost all people have computers at home. But not all of them think that a computer is a necessary thing _ and it can do our life better. Moreover, they consider computers as _ source of hindrances. The first thing, that has a bad influence on people, is computers games. It does not mean that all computers games are useless. There are a lot of educational games. I mean only games which make a negative impact on people, games which include a lot of violence. And not only children are dependent on these games. Some adult_ spend a lot of time in front of computer screens. They can devote this time to interesting activities, their health and their family or grow up like a specialists in their work. In addition sometimes computer games might be a reason of divorce.

In spite of this, from my point of view, the computers give us many opportunities. For example, artistries can create their pictures not only _ usual way with help of oil colors and brushes. They can do something new and extraordinary with help of special computer programs. It is truthfully and for musicians. Computer music gives us new culture _ and it is very popular now.

Taking into consideration what I have said above I would like to say that every person should decide how to use computers and possibilities which they have. Someone does something new, beautiful and indeed useful for _ society. Someone just spends empty time and destroy his life.

[HighHope]

Спасибо! Очень полезно! Писать план пробовала, но так им увлекалась, что потом не успевала написать всё что планировала. С артиклями у меня жуткая проблема, мой мозг их не воспринемает, с этим борюсь! У меня и с русским проблема, если честно... Какая-то врожденая безграмотность! Хотя читаю очень много и на русском и на английском. Еще раз спасибо!

[Vanderley]

De rien!

[Geneva]

Здравствуйте! Оцените, пожалуйста, мое письмо, на сколько баллов тянет. Эссе выложу чуть позже.

You work in a gym but you are not a qualified gym instructor. A friend has written to you for advice on how to get fit and healthier.
Write a letter to your friend offering some suggestions. In your letter
• remind your friend that you are not an instructor
• offer some suggestions
• ask your friend if they would like to talk to a trained instructor

Dear Kate,

I am very glad to hear from you. Also, it is really great that you decided to do sports.

So, I can give you some advice about your behavior and useful exercises. However, despite the fact that I have been working at the gym club for a quite long time, I am not a professional trainer. Please, don’t forget it.

Well, at first, I would recommend to you pay more attention to what you eat. For example, a chocolate, sweets and other junk food must be excluded from the diet. Food must be nutritious, but not oily. Also try to eat less but more often. Additionally, if you want to see an effect as soon as possible you have to do exercises every day. The main secret of success is regularity, though time of the day isn’t important.

In any way, it would be better to consult with a qualified trainer. If you want, I can organize for you a meeting with the best instructor from my gym.

I wish you good luck at the beginnings. Hope my suggestions will be useful.

Please, let me know about your decision about meeting with trainer.

Best Regards,
Kira.

[Polina_K]

Здравствуйте! Оцените, пожалуйста, мое письмо, на сколько баллов тянет. Эссе выложу чуть позже.

You work in a gym but you are not a qualified gym instructor. A friend has written to you for advice on how to get fit and healthier.
Write a letter to your friend offering some suggestions. In your letter
• remind your friend that you are not an instructor
• offer some suggestions
• ask your friend if they would like to talk to a trained instructor

Dear Kate,

I am very glad to hear from you. Also, it is really great that you decided to do sports.

So, I can give you some advice about your behavior and useful exercises. However, despite the fact that I have been working at the gym club for a quite long time, I am not a professional trainer. Please, don’t forget it.

Well, at first, I would recommend to you pay more attention to what you eat. For example, a chocolate, sweets and other junk food must be excluded from the diet. Food must be nutritious, but not oily. Also try to eat less but more often. Additionally, if you want to see an effect as soon as possible you have to do exercises every day. The main secret of success is regularity, though time of the day isn’t important.

In any way, it would be better to consult with a qualified trainer. If you want, I can organize for you a meeting with the best instructor from my gym.

I wish you good luck at the beginnings. Hope my suggestions will be useful.

Please, let me know about your decision about meeting with trainer.

Best Regards,
Kira.

В целом, неплохое письмо.

Пару моментов по лексике:

some advice about your behavior… - лучше lifestyle

However, despite the fact that I have been working - не подходит для письма другу, лучше что-то типа "Just bear in mind that…"

For example, a chocolate, sweets and other junk food… - лучше убрать "other".
Oxford dictionary definition of junk food: pre-prepared or packaged food that has low nutritional value

I can organize for you a meeting - лучше I could arrange you a meeting

I wish you good luck at the beginnings - русский английский, начинания - undertaking. Лучше просто оставить I wish you good luck.

[Geneva]

Polina_K, спасибо )
а как вы думаете на 7 тянет, не?

[Polina_K]

Polina_K, спасибо )
а как вы думаете на 7 тянет, не?

Думаю, 7 за письмо возможна.
У вас есть progression, a variety of complex structures, sufficient range of vocabulary.
Поаккуратнее с "tone" и пунктуацией. Да, еще желательно очень чётко следовать bullet points (вы пишете о советах в двух абзацах), да и самих абзацев многовато для письма

[yamov]

Geneva, вот парочка ваших ошибок:

for a quite long time -> for quite a long time (не путайте с rather, там можно и так, и так)

I would recommend to you pay more attention -> I would recommend that you pay /recommend paying/ more attention

For example, a chocolate, sweets and other junk food -> без артикля

Also try to eat less but more often.-> Also, try to eat less, but more often.

Additionally, if you want to see an effect as soon as possible you have to do exercises every day. -> Additionally, if you want to see an effect as soon as possible, you have to do exercises every day.

Please, let me know about your decision about meeting with trainer. -> (два about подряд - некрасиво) Please, let me know about your decision on meeting with the trainer.


пс. Еще у вас практически каждое предложение начинается с линкера или союза. Это еще и письмо другу. Как по мне, со стилем не очень тут. Неестественно вышло.

[Vanderley]

Also try to eat less but more often.-> Also, try to eat less, but more often.

Голосую за то, что не запятая тут не нужна. Это не сложносочиненная предложеня, а "расширенный" вариант однородных членов.

[yamov]

Голосую за то, что не запятая тут не нужна. Это не сложносочиненная предложеня, а "расширенный" вариант однородных членов.

Возможно вы и правы. Но я оперировал правилом

Use commas to set off phrases that express contrast:
The puppies were cute, but very messy.

(Some writers will leave out the comma that sets off a contrasting phrase beginning with but.)

Давайте посмотрим, что скажут Maimiti_Isabella или Polina_K.