My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Vanderley]

Не хочу строить вам страшную картину, но ... вот это конкретное эссе написано отвратительно. Я вчера хотел поправить, но как увидел сколько там всего прийдётся исправлять передумал. Вот вам одно предложение:

However, there is a question that who should take the responsibility in targeting this problem- is it have to be left on governments level only or just everyone might make a difference by changing the lifestyle to greener one.

*a question that who should - вопрос что кто должен ...?
*is it have
*is it ... or everyone might ... - так всё же прямой порядок слов или обратный?

И это только базовые вещи, я глубоко не лез.

[olesenka]

Vanderley,спасибо. я и сама думаю,что пора бросать маяться этой дурью- не получается,что делать. Преподаватель,что здесь возможно найти,не очень понимает,как мне можно помочь.да и сам считает,что,хоть и ошибки есть,они терпимые.значит,вы считаете,что нужно больше заниматься грамматикой? попробую,если поможет.

[olesenka]

еще одно эссэ, пожалуйста.

Should museums and art galleries be free of charge for general public, or should a charge, even a voluntary charge, be levied for admittance? Discuss and give your opinion.


More and more countries in the world are accepting a capitalistic point of view on every sphere of life. So, when the question has come to financing museums and art galleries, the previously free for visits cultural sites ask for entry fees nowadays.Even though some people found this practice reasonable, I personally feel the situation controversial.

Those, who support admittance levies in museums argue that these charges help to keep public places running. Money from visitors come on restoration, paying salaries for staff-members and renovation of collections, as far as in many cases government support turns to be insufficient. Secondly, there is an opinion that whenever museum gets rights to accept charges, it's keepers will look forward to increase that profit by making museum itself more attractive and, consequently, popular among public.

Nevertheless, the introduction of any charge on entrance might place a great hinder in access for a wide range of population, like those of low-income and big families, students and pupils.That would therefor put all attempts to provide the best possible education to everyone under the question. As a matter of fact, the most enjoyable for children zoo in Saint-Petersburg had become a privilege for rich families only since introducing it's price on visiting. Adding more, the situation in education sphere is critical in many developed countries these days. Teachers has already experience a great difficulties in attraction children's attention to world culture, reading classics and developing their interest to art. The additional barriers on the way of study process will bring last one to unpredictable consequences.
That is why,to counter the problem of modern expenses and low-funding of museums it's seem to me better to find out some alternative ways of additional financing like cafes, shows and different gift-shops, as well as voluntary help and charity.

In conclusion, the tendency of modern governments of making public unprecedented property as a source of income does not make sense as in this way a lot of people would be crossed out from getting complete and sound education.

[Vanderley]

olesenka, извините, что написал в таком discouraging стиле. Броса ничего не надо. Подучитесь и обязательно сдадите.

[olesenka]

никто не решается подсказать ошибки в моем последнем эссэ? Ваша помощь очень помогает- когда подробно разбираете,можно соориентироваться на слабые зоны.Грамматические- то штук 5 компьютер исправил,а вот дальше...

[Drover]

Добрый день!
Покритикуйте мой дебют, (тут, а вообще 3е) пожалуйста!
Потратил час, но и то концовку дописывал на бегу.
309 words.
Любые комментарии, мысли, замечания, в любом стиле!
Спасибо!

PS. Забыл добавить, мне нужен 7

Some people feel that certain workers like nurses, doctors and teachers are undervalued and should be paid more, especially when other people like film actors or company bosses are paid huge sums of money that are out of proportion to the importance of the work that they do.

-How far do you agree?
-What criteria should be used to decide how much people are paid?

You should use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence.

Write at least 250 words


Some people believe there are professions that undervalued. Nowadays, we can see very unfair balance between how modern society estimates different people. Striking example of these occupations is nurses, doctors, teachers. I completely agree with opponents of this unhealthy trend.

To begin with discussing of this topic would be better to look closer on the situation. Today, widely maintained tendency when some celebrities, famous sportsmen or tycoons are very overvalued in contrast with nurses, doctors and teachers. For instance, manager of the football team of Uzbekistan Philippe Scolari was paid 12 million euros annually a few years ago. Obviously, national football team is very important for every country however is it more important than strong public educational system?

Nevertheless, modern humanity leaves in a reality with quiet simple strategy which called "Money manages the world". Thus, if particular project brings a lot of finances its priority for society burst automatically. For example, new action movie with very huge box office makes possible to pay fantastic fees to main starring actors. What is more, everyone is willing to pay for products and services that are not really necessary.

Needless to say, this situation can led to very sad consequences. Such posture, when someone valued unfairly cannot be never-ending. For instance, the Great Socialistic Revolution in Russia in inception of the last century.

I believe, criteria that used for estimating how much people should paid can be changed. Most important factor of this is a more complex evaluation of labor. In fact, social value should be taken into account in addition to financial part of estimation. It is obvious, the national football team need healthy young players for success. This is can be achievable only with help of happy doctors and nurses.

All things considered, I believe that modern society should change its approach to estimating value of different professions.

[Goran Dražić]

Should museums and art galleries be free of charge for general public, or should a charge, even a voluntary charge, be levied for admittance? Discuss and give your opinion.

• ...countries are accepting ... when the question has come ... cultural sites ask ... some people found ... - I can understand why you used present continuous and present simple. No ideas why you chose present perfect and past simple are accepting -> this is in progress. has come -> where is any result? present simple here. ask - ok. people found -> you've just said it's still in the progress and that cultural sites still ask. Why past simple?
• So, when the question - informal linker. It is more suitable for speaking.
• when the question has come to financing - when it comes to the question of financing or when the question of financing arises.
• free for visits cultural sites - free of charge
• I personally feel the situation controversial - I feel that this situation is controversial or I find this situation controversial.
• Those, who support - no comma here. It's not additional info. Defining vs non-defining relative clause.
• Money from visitors come - money is singular.
• Money from visitors come on restoration - is this word-by-word translation from Russian? It sounds unnatural. This money can be used for ...
• restoration, paying salaries for staff-members and renovation of collections - second phrase doesn't quite fit in here. What about just stuff salaries?
• as far as in many cases government support turns to be insufficient - because? Check the meaning of as far as.
• whenever museum gets rights to accept charges, it's keepers will look - any particular reason you used future tense?
• it's keepers will look forward to increase - check the meaning of look forward. It doesn't feet in here.
• place a great hinder - my dictionary says hinder is a verb.
• put all attempts to provide ... under the question - translation from Russian? call/bring/throw something into question.
• children zoo in Saint-Petersburg had become a privilege - past perfect is usually when action happens before some other action in the past. Where is this other action here?
• Adding more - what kind of linker is that?
• Teachers has already experience a great difficulties - what tense is this?
• a great difficulties
• Teachers has already experience a great difficulties in attraction children's attention to world culture, reading classics and developing their interest to art. - really?
• will bring last one to unpredictable consequences - sounds like translation from Russian again. lead to?
  it's seem to me better to find out - Russian detected. It seems to me that something is better or It seems to me it is better to do something.
• better to find out some alternative - find vs find out.
• the tendency of modern governments of making public - two ofs in a row. Try to get rid of one of them. of making -> to make.
• unprecedented property - what is this?
• as in this way - no in.

One more note. Try to avoid sentences 41-words long. They are really difficult to follow, especially taking into account that your sentences aren't error free and one have to stop and reread quite a lot.

[olesenka]

Goran Dražić,даже не знаю как и отблагодарить. Спасибо большое за подробный разбор. Даже, вот, и не подозреваешь, какую ерунду иногда пишешь.
whenever museum gets rights to accept charges, it's keepers will look - any particular reason you used future tense?
-если поставить if вместо whenever ,то предложение приобретет смысл? я пыталась изобразить future conditional...

• Teachers has already experience a great difficulties in attraction children's attention to world culture, reading classics and developing their interest to art. - really?

that was awesome.

[olesenka]

...countries are accepting ... when the question has come ... cultural sites ask ... some people found ... - I can understand why you used present continuous and present simple. No ideas why you chose present perfect and past simple are accepting -> this is in progress. has come -> where is any result? present simple here. ask - ok. people found -> you've just said it's still in the progress and that cultural sites still ask. Why past simple?

дошло, наконец-то. спасибо за объяснение

[Goran Dražić]

если поставить if вместо whenever ,то предложение приобретет смысл?

Probably. Still, I don't recommend using 1st conditionals. I prefer 2nd and 3rd conditionals.

[Vanderley]

Добрый день!
Покритикуйте мой дебют, (тут, а вообще 3е) пожалуйста!
Потратил час, но и то концовку дописывал на бегу.
309 words.
Любые комментарии, мысли, замечания, в любом стиле!
Спасибо!

PS. Забыл добавить, мне нужен 7

Some people feel that certain workers like nurses, doctors and teachers are undervalued and should be paid more, especially when other people like film actors or company bosses are paid huge sums of money that are out of proportion to the importance of the work that they do.

-How far do you agree?
-What criteria should be used to decide how much people are paid?

You should use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence.

Write at least 250 words


Some people believe there are professions that undervalued - [професии которые недооценили? are undervalued.] -. Nowadays, we can see very unfair balance between how modern society estimates different people. Striking example of these occupations is nurses, doctors, teachers. I completely agree with opponents of this unhealthy trend. - [тренд это тенденция. вы ни про какую тенденция не писали. так что не понятно что это за trend.]

To begin with discussing of this topic would be better to look closer on the situation - [1. кто в этой предложении подлежащее? 2. вам нравится предложная фраза в начале предложения и то как она переходит в основное предложение?] -. Today, widely maintained tendency - [верните предложению сказуемое, ему его очень не хватает] - when some celebrities, famous sportsmen - [феминистки вам этого не простят] - or tycoons - [при чем тут tycoons? они ж сами себе бабки зарабатывают, им никто не платит.] - are very overvalued in contrast with nurses, doctors and teachers. For instance, manager of the football team of Uzbekistan Philippe Scolari was paid 12 million euros annually - [наверное a year, а не anually] - a few years ago. Obviously, national football team is very important for every country however - [вот это ваше however очень расстроит Maimity_Isabell'у, если она это увидит Хавевер не синоним бата, в том смысле, что им нельзя соединя части сложносочинённого предложения] - is it more important than strong public educational system?

Nevertheless, modern humanity leaves - [это leaves, которое листья или которое оставляет?] - in a reality with quiet simple strategy - [motto?] - which called - [которая называет?] - "Money manages the world" - [money makes the world go round?] -. Thus, if particular project brings a lot of finances - [makes a huge profit? И где запятая? Верните нам запятую! Немедленно!] - its priority for society burst - [1. bursts? 2. A priority может burst? Можно ссылку на пример?] - automatically. For example, new action movie with very huge box office makes possible to pay fantastic fees to main starring actors - [makes it possible to pay the actors starring in the movie huge fees. Посмотрите управление глагола to pay.] -. What is more, everyone is willing to pay for products and services that are not really necessary. - [как это предложение относится к теме нечестной оплаты труда?]

Needless to say, this situation can led - [lead] - to very sad consequences. Such posture, when someone valued - [ситуация когда кто-то оценил? was valued?] - unfairly cannot be never-ending. For instance, the Great Socialistic Revolution in Russia in inception of the last century. - [к чему вообще этот параграф? Вас спрашивают справедливо или нет. И как сделать чтобы было справедливо.]

I believe, criteria that used - [у вас с пассиво какая-то беда и запятая так не нужна. почитайте кстати про английскую пунктуацию. А то её узнают только когда начинают IELTS сдавать. Я тоже так узнао ] - for estimating how much people should paid - [люди платят или людям платят?] - can be changed - [Один пассив на всё эссе и тот мимо change это и менять и меняться. С дополнением менять, без дополнения меняться.]. Most important factor of this is a more complex evaluation of labor. In fact - [мимо, не подходит тут in fact. Посмотрите здесь как его юзать.] -, social value should be taken into account in addition to financial part of estimation. It is obvious, the national football team need healthy young players for success - [вот это предложение как-то совсем неожиданно появляется. Вы про критерии важности пишете, а потом раз и стране нужны здоровые игроки] -. This is can be achievable - [я ненавижу этот форум за отсутствие смайла фэйспалм как раз для таких фраз. It can be achieved.] - only with help of happy doctors and nurses.

All things considered, I believe that modern society should change its approach to estimating value of different professions.

Это эссе можно ещё потрэшить. Если интересно в каких местах, поправьте то, что я поисправлял, и я сделаю второй проход . А то сейчас уже места нету где исправлять например.

[Drover]

Vanderley, спасибо большое) диагноз понятен, ушел учиться.
Хотя согласен не со всем, попозже отпишусь)

[Araliya]

Вот и я вымучала свое Тоже, кстати, третье и тоже писала целый час. Очень жду комментариев.

Write about the following topic:
Some people believe that teaching children at home is best for a child’s
development while others think that it is important for children to go to school.
Discuss the advantages of both methods and give your own opinion.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own
knowledge or experience.

Some people believe that young children could learn more staying home with their parents while others think that school is a place to learn. In this essay we will look at positive sides of both methods.
Many parents prefer to teach children at home rather then send them to school and there are many arguments in favor of home education. First, it is natural for kids to listen to and learn from parents as they are the most important and trusted people in kids’ lives and therefore could be the best teachers. Second, home atmosphere is secure and less stressful for children then school, which allows them to relax and learn more. Third, home education is cheaper than school but not least effective. For example, there are many free educational materials for parents on the web that were created by early childhood teachers.
Nevertheless, school education has its own pros. In school children from different backgrounds study together, learning to share, to be a part of a team and therefore developing useful social skills. Another positive side is that in school children are taught by professional pedagogues who aware of modern methods in early childhood development, for instance Montessori method. Another plus is that schools, apart from education, offer variety of other activities that parents cannot provide at home such as swimming, dancing classes, sport games etc.
To sum up, it seems to me not so important which method parents chose for their kids’ early education as long as children develop according their age and grow up happy.

[Polina_K]

Вот и я вымучала свое Тоже, кстати, третье и тоже писала целый час. Очень жду комментариев.

Write about the following topic:
Some people believe that teaching children at home is best for a child’s
development while others think that it is important for children to go to school.
Discuss the advantages of both methods and give your own opinion.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own
knowledge or experience.

Some people believe that young children could learn more staying home with their parents while others think that school is a place to learn. In this essay we will look at positive sides of both methods.
Many parents prefer to teach children at home rather then send them to school and there are many arguments in favor of home education. First, it is natural for kids to listen to and learn from parents as they are the most important and trusted people in kids’ lives and therefore could be the best teachers. Second, home atmosphere is secure and less stressful for children then school, which allows them to relax and learn more. Third, home education is cheaper than school but not least effective. For example, there are many free educational materials for parents on the web that were created by early childhood teachers.
Nevertheless, school education has its own pros. In school children from different backgrounds study together, learning to share, to be a part of a team and therefore developing useful social skills. Another positive side is that in school children are taught by professional pedagogues who aware of modern methods in early childhood development, for instance Montessori method. Another plus is that schools, apart from education, offer variety of other activities that parents cannot provide at home such as swimming, dancing classes, sport games etc.
To sum up, it seems to me not so important which method parents chose for their kids’ early education as long as children develop according their age and grow up happy.

1) Почему-то вы пишете об "early education", хотя в задании просто "go to school"

2) Пример должен иллюстрировать аргумент. Ваш пример "For example, there are many free educational materials for parents on the web that were created by early childhood teachers." не очень иллюстрирует тезис "home education is cheaper than school but not least no less effective"

Как можно по-другому: Home education can be cheaper than school but no less effective. Parents can find educational materials online, for example, textbooks, videos, mathematical and logical games. Those can be really efficient, as they are more interesting than traditional school lessons.

3) Referencing
First, it is natural for kids to listen to and learn from parents as they are… They - родители или дети?

For example, there are many free educational materials for parents on the web that were created by early childhood teachers. - that находится слишком далеко от materials

4) Грамматика - предлоги, артикли, пропущенные глаголы, "русский" порядок слов

[Araliya]

Polina_K, спасибо!