My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Araliya]

Ещё имеется tell him(в задании) vs Dear Laura и два сентенс сплита.

Oops... Как все по-хитрому оказывается А что такое сентенс сплит?

[Vyacheslav16]

Прошу оценить мое четвертое эссе. Интересно, далеко ли я ушел со своего 5-чного уровня.

A person’s worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status and material possessions. Old-fashioned values, such as honour, kindness and trust, no longer seem important.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

People are now judged according to their wealth and social status. Honour, kindness and trust are considered old-fashioned and not appreciated much. Too many people behave as if the above-mentioned statements were true. However, there are enough people in the world who believe in eternal values.

On the one hand, it really seems very useful to socialize with rich people and those who have any authority. The profits may rise in case you become close friends or even relatives. Rich friends can give you expensive gifts, take you aboard their luxurious yacht for a cruise and invite you to an exclusive party with celebrities. Relatives in authorities can protect you when you are in a trouble or say a word supporting you in some business matters. Besides, relationships with such major people can lift your status in the eyes of others.

On the other hand, life is not only material possessions and finding solutions to business issues. Particularly, there are such concepts as honour, kindness and trust. Your feelings could be hurt enormously if you were judged unfairly and treated unkindly. There is no point in your friendship with a rich person whom you cannot trust. It is horrible to live with a spouse who can easily betray you. Basically, people feel they need good quality relationships.

To conclude, there are values that influence our lives on a higher level. People cannot gain happiness just by increasing their property or status. Honour, kindness and trust are the examples of what they need for a better and more peaceful life. Thus, I believe a person’s worth should be judged by eternal and in no way old-fashioned values.

[Vanderley]

А что такое сентенс сплит?

Ooops, я какой-то бред написал. То что вы совершили называется comma splice. Пардоньте за конфьжн.

[Vanderley]

A person’s worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status and material possessions. Old-fashioned values, such as honour, kindness and trust, no longer seem important.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Вас спрашивают - To what extent do you agree that person’s worth nowadays is judged according to social status and material possessions. Согласны ли вы что cейчас людей оценивают по богатсву и социальному статусу.

А вы пишете про то правильно ли это и как надо? Мимо.

[Araliya]

То что вы совершили ...

вы мне прямо приговор вынесли Спасибо за ссылку! Разберусь основательно на досуге

[Vyacheslav16]

Вас спрашивают - To what extent do you agree that person’s worth nowadays is judged according to social status and material possessions. Согласны ли вы что cейчас людей оценивают по богатсву и социальному статусу.

А вы пишете про то правильно ли это и как надо? Мимо.

Спасибо за отзыв. Да, Вы правы. Я ближе к концовке смотрел только на второе предложение задания, поэтому фокус сместился. Печаль.
Видимо, отыграть 2 балла к декабрю будет очень сложно. Заниматься по несколько часов в день не могу.

[Vanderley]

Заниматься по несколько часов в день не могу.

Заниматься чем? Вам нужно просто внимательно читать задание и писать план. Это конечно не гарантирует +2, но по крайней мере вы не пострадаете по глупости.

[Vyacheslav16]

Vanderley, как Вы считаете, в моем последнем эссе есть проблемы с Cohesion and Coherence? Я больше всего этого боялся.

[Vanderley]

People are now judged according to their wealth and social status. Honour, kindness and trust are considered old-fashioned and not appreciated much. Too many people behave as if the above-mentioned statements were true.

Два первых предложения это просто два факта. И это ваши утверждения. Когда я их читаю, я воспринимаю их как ваши утверждения. Получается, что вы сразу написали, а потом говорите - постойте, то что я только что написал это неправда. Это проблема со связносью?

On the one hand, it really seems very useful to socialize with rich people and those who have any authority. The profits may rise

Что за THE profits? Не было ничего про профитс.

Particularly, there are such concepts as honour, kindness and trust.

- particularly. Я не знаю что это слово можно так использовать.

Но это всё из-за небольших проблем с изъяснение, а не из-за того, что мысля прыгает. Это наверное менее серьёзно, хотя не уверен.

[Vyacheslav16]

Два первых предложения это просто два факта. И это ваши утверждения. Когда я их читаю, я воспринимаю их как ваши утверждения. Получается, что вы сразу написали, а потом говорите - постойте, то что я только что написал это неправда. Это проблема со связносью?

Да, действительно можно именно так воспринять. Я об этом не задумывался.

Что за THE profits? Не было ничего про профитс.

Похоже, что и здесь критика справедлива. В предыдущем предложении есть useful, но там еще есть и seems. Мой промах.

[Bozici]

Решила пока отказаться от написания эссе на время и поработать над грамматикой и словарным запасом.
На какой балл тянет?
Буду благодарна за оценку!

A growing number of people feel that animals should not be exploited by
people and they should have the same rights as humans, while others
argue that humans must employ animals to satisfy their various needs,
including using for food and research.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

In today’s world the idea of human and animal equality is becoming more and
more popular. People who promote it believe that animal rights should be taken
into consideration and respected in the same manner as human beings’.
Nevertheless, the traditional concept of human and animal relationships states that
a human being dominates all other creatures. Both views are presented in this
essay.

Animal-rights advocates claim that human race is merely a part of the animal
world. They compare human speciesism, the belief that humans are more
important than animals, with racism. Therefore, they propound the total abolition
of animal slavery. Individuals who follow these principles have given up using any
animal based goods, such as meat, dairy and fur, and choose ethical beauty and
household products. Some people say that this tendency may negatively affect
both society and individuals. The latter are expected to have issues with health as
they may lack vitamins and nutrients which are traditionally consumed with
animal-based products. At the same time, the society would have to challenge the
necessity for new testing methods as most of commodities still require testing.

Traditionalists, however, insist that animals exist to serve humans in any way. One
of their common arguments is that humanity has been using animals for thousands
of years, therefore, this concept of human and animals relationships seems
undoubtful. Another argument they state is that human beings cannot survive on
vegetable diet because meat and dairy products are the only sources for vital
nutrients. Finally, some people believe that human domination has been explained
in various sacred books. Consequently, they do not see any reason to turn
backward from their beliefs.

In conclusion, both points of view, ethical and conservative, have their adherers. I
personally see animals exploitation as totally inappropriate. I think that the basic
rights of all living beings are equal and should be respected.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

аговариваю на диктофон, но слушать сама себя не могу, такое чувство что все совсем ужасно... .Есть возможность общаться на английском ежедневно, иногда с носителями. Может быть вы можете что-то посоветовать для преодаления неуверенности? Буду очень благодарна

Преодоление проблемы зависит от ее же причины. А в чем проблема я не поняла, особенно учитывая, что есть возможность общаться на английском ежедневно.

Сформулируйте проблему, тогда и о советах поговорим.

[Polina_K]

Решила пока отказаться от написания резюме на время и поработать над грамматикой и словарным запасом.
На какой балл тянет?
Буду благодарна за оценку!

A growing number of people feel that animals should not be exploited by people and they should have the same rights as humans, while others argue that humans must employ animals to satisfy their various needs, including using for food and research.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

In today’s world the idea of human and animal equality is becoming more and more popular. People who promote it believe that animal rights should be taken
into consideration and respected in the same manner as human beings’.
Nevertheless, the traditional concept of human and animal relationships states that a human being лучше множественное dominates all other creatures. Both views are presented in this essay.

Animal-rights advocates claim that human race is merely a part of the animal world. They compare human speciesism, the belief that humans are more important than animals, with racism. Therefore, they propound the total abolition of animal slavery. Individuals who follow these principles have given up using any animal based goods, such as meat, dairy products and fur, and choose ethical beauty and household products звучит немного коряво, лучше убрать beauty. Some people say that this tendency may negatively affect both society and individuals. The latter ones are expected to have issues with health as they may lack vitamins and nutrients which are traditionally consumed with animal-based products. At the same time, the society would have to challenge the necessity for new testing methods as most of commodities still require testing. это предложение не поняла

Traditionalists, however, insist that animals exist to serve humans in any way "in any way" лучше убрать как overgeneralisation. One of their common arguments is that humanity has been using animals for thousands of years, therefore, this concept of human and animals relationships seems undoubtful (лучше - plausible, credible, sound). Another argument they state (лучше present)is that human beings cannot survive on vegetable diet only because meat and dairy products are the only sources for vital nutrients. Finally, some people believe that human domination has been explained in various sacred books. Consequently, they do not see any reason to turn backward from their beliefs.

In conclusion, both points of view, ethical and conservative - повисло два прилагательных , have their adherers. I
personally see лучше view animals exploitation as to be totally inappropriate. I think that the basic rights of all living beings are equal and should be respected.

В целом, неплохо. Хороший словарный запас, структура, парафраз. Особенно понравилось "speciesism".
Указала пару моментов по тексту.

[Bozici]

Polina_K, большое спасибо за комментарии!
не со всеми согласна (как обычно! )

прикрепляю комментарии с ielts-blog

[Polina_K]

Polina_K, большое спасибо за комментарии!
не со всеми согласна (как обычно! )

прикрепляю комментарии с ielts-blog

Не очень понятно, что конкретно вы имели в виду, прикрепляя комментарии c ielts-blog. То, что ок употребить dairy без существительного и "a human being"??