My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Far too little has been done to prevent animals and plants from dying out, although people have noticed this problem for a long time. Why have people failed to improve this situation? What are your suggestions?

Perhaps no issue in the modern world causes so much concern as current environmental situation does. Many living creatures are on the brick of extinction. Although some people aware of this tendency not many things have been done so far. This essay is supposed to present probable causes for this situation and possible solutions.

The first thing worth mentioning that humankind get used to perceiving nature as a resource provider. People kill animals, deforest huge areas, pollute atmosphere and so forth. Take, for instance, white whale meat, it is considered to be a delicacy. Not surprisingly, this animals have been almost wiped out in recent decades. Not only does direct impact damage nature but there are many other ways to do so also. Telling example is general environmental pollution which causes global warming, as a result climate is changing, places are altering, and animals which used to live on the particular area cannot do it anymore. The result is obvious, they are dying out.

How can mankind improve the dreadful situation? There is no certain answer to this question, but the best what can be done is raising the level of awareness among people. The main problem these days that only few understand the whole picture. Thus, all attempts to improve the situation fails due to the paucity of the people who care. Therefore, educational programs in schools, TV and radio targeted advertising could be a good remedial solution.

In summary, in order to prevent future extinction it is recommended to reevaluated current general public values and habits by implementing various educational programs which hopefully help to alter human's behaviour.


Посмотрите кратко пожалуйста. Подробно не нужно, мне просто интересно по формату, мне кажется меня понесло во втором боди параграфе + я писал мало ессе формата проблема-решение. Спасибо.

С точки зрения огранизации эссе проблем не вижу, но проблемы с английским очень серьзные. Также, проблема с cohesion/coherence, особенно в первом body paragraph мешает восприятию текста.


Far too little - по-моему об этом вообще нет ни слова.

[[rcf]]

Сейчас посмотрю, но только скажите пожалуйста, из какой книги этот топик?

Mat Clark, Topic 62.

[[rcf]]

С точки зрения огранизации эссе проблем не вижу, но проблемы с английским очень серьзные. Также, проблема с cohesion/coherence, особенно в первом body paragraph мешает восприятию текста.


Far too little - по-моему об этом вообще нет ни слова.

даже интересно стало, что за проблемы там у меня. Я деградирую? )

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Mat Clark, Topic 62.

Все ясно

[Maimiti_Isabella]

даже интересно стало, что за проблемы там у меня. Я деградирую? )

Честно? Не ходу комментировать. Вы сами сказали, что есть трудности с такого типа заданиями. Это значит, что вы были так сконцентрированы на огранизационных вопросах , что на все остальное не обратили внимание.

Я в таких случаях никогда не комментирую и не указываю на ошибки. И вам советую 'забыть'. Просто на этот раз не получилось. Начнем сначала.

Так, что - ждем след. 'подход' к написанию problem/solution essays.

[[rcf]]

Честно? Не ходу комментировать. Вы сами сказали, что есть трудности с такого типа заданиями. Это значит, что вы были так сконцентрированы на огранизационных вопросах , что на все остальное не обратили внимание.

Я в таких случаях никогда не комментирую и не указываю на ошибки. И вам советую 'забыть'. Просто на этот раз не получилось. Начнем сначала.

Так, что - ждем след. 'подход' к написанию problem/solution essays.

ok

[[rcf]]

Topic 7. In many countries, young people are finding it harder and harder to find permanent jobs. Why is this? What can be done to improve the situation?

The global financial crisis seems to have been finished. However, it is still not an easy task for young people to find a permanent position on job market. There are many causes for this situation. The main ones are believed to be the lack of experience and inappropriate education. In fact, these problems existed long time before the crisis also, but they have become more conspicuous these days. To tackle them, possible solution will be analyzed for viability.

First of all, young unemployment situation closely linked to the fact that post graduated students who are willing to start their career do not have enough experience. Take, for instance, any local newspaper one hardly can find a full-time and not temporary position where no previous experience is required. Thus, the organization of special working places on the campus might be one of the best solutions. Firstly, it would assist students in gaining required working skills. Secondly, it would economically support at university itself.

Yet another problem associated with difficulties in finding a job is inappropriateness of some educational programs. It is especially obvious in cutting edge scientific areas such as IT, biological engineering, medicine, no mention but a few. For example, one of my own experience happened several years ago when I just graduated from university. It was really hard to find the first job because most things which we were thought as software engineers have already obsoleted. Therefore, educational programs should be updated more frequently primarily in rapidly developing areas.

To conclude, there are probably more causes and solutions for above mentioned problem. Main ones are the experience absence among young professionals and out of date programs at universities. Both of them could be solve by educational process reorganization.

Hope this one is better.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Topic 7. In many countries, young people are finding it harder and harder to find permanent jobs. Why is this? What can be done to improve the situation?

The global financial crisis seems to have been finished. However, it is still not an easy task for young people to find a permanent position on job market. There are many causes for this situation. The main ones are believed to be the lack of experience and inappropriate education. In fact, these problems existed long time before the crisis also, but they have become more conspicuous these days. To tackle them, possible solution will be analyzed for viability.

First of all, young unemployment situation closely linked to the fact that post graduated students who are willing to start their career do not have enough experience. Take, for instance, any local newspaper one hardly can find a full-time and not temporary position where no previous experience is required. Thus, the organization of special working places on the campus might be one of the best solutions. Firstly, it would assist students in gaining required working skills. Secondly, it would economically support at university itself.

Yet another problem associated with difficulties in finding a job is inappropriateness of some educational programs. It is especially obvious in cutting edge scientific areas such as IT, biological engineering, medicine, no mention but a few. For example, one of my own experience happened several years ago when I just graduated from university. It was really hard to find the first job because most things which we were thought as software engineers have already obsoleted. Therefore, educational programs should be updated more frequently primarily in rapidly developing areas.

To conclude, there are probably more causes and solutions for above mentioned problem. Main ones are the experience absence among young professionals and out of date programs at universities. Both of them could be solve by educational process reorganization.

Hope this one is better.

I'd give it 6.5. Actually, there are only a couple of problems that would prevent it from getting a 7, all of them a language related. From the point of view of TA and essay organisation I have no problems at all. Though the first sentence made me a bit uneasy initially, you managed to get things sorted out and stayed on the task. Well done!

English-related problems on the other hand is something you can fix. Sorry to be a bore, but would you like to proofread your essay? I'm sure you'll find a couple of mistakes at least on your own and then I promise to point to the rest.

[[rcf]]

I'd give it 6.5. Actually, there are only a couple of problems that would prevent it from getting a 7, all of them a language related. From the point of view of TA and essay organisation I have no problems at all. Though the first sentence made me a bit uneasy initially, you managed to get things sorted out and stayed on the task. Well done!

English-related problems on the other hand is something you can fix. Sorry to be a bore, but would you like to proofread your essay? I'm sure you'll find a couple of mistakes at least on your own and then I promise to point to the rest.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1...kArEeJRPMc/pub

[Maimiti_Isabella]

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1...kArEeJRPMc/pub

[АнатолийI]

Надо когда то начинать
Пожалуйста, прокомментируйте:
Television has had a significant influence on the culture of many societies. Television has positive and negative effects on the cultural development of our society.
To what extend do you agree or disagree?
Give reasons to your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or expierence.

It has been suggested that the culture of many societies is influenced by television. The question has been widely discussed in recently years.
Some people think that television has positive effects on the cultural development of our society while other says it is negative. Personaly, I think that question is a controversial one and is opened for debate.

Obviosly, there are many reasons to consider television is a useful invention of humanity.
Firstly, citizens of different countries could know more about their culture and show this one around the world. As a result, we can improve our knowledge about live in other countries without necessity of visiting these ones. For instance, I have saw exhibitions of the famous museums a lot instead of I really visited the Tretyakovskaya Gallery only.
Secondly, television assists us in case children raising. To illustrate it reminds about historical events in the past, about national kind of making things, such as wooden furniture, wool clothes and so on. Moreover adults could remind it themself also.
Thus, these examples allow to see positive aspects of television.

On the other hand, not everyone agrees with this.
There are people who think that television mixes the culture of many countries, so each of ones become a lot more poor.
In addition, TV programms, which include violence, crime and commercial, destroy our culture.

Taking all these points into cosideration, I would say that people should not avoid television in order to prevent their culture. However producers has to decrease amount of TV programm with crime and violence.
In summary, television has positive effects on the culture development more than negative ones.

Спасибо.

[[rcf]]

Thanks! some comments from me.

To conclude, there are probably more causes and solutions for above mentioned problem. [Which one you mentioned 2?]
I meant, the problem of youth unemployment in general.

and I didn't get this one
For example, one of my own experience happened several years ago when I just graduated from university.
What's wrong with it?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Thanks! some comments from me.

To conclude, there are probably more causes and solutions for above mentioned problem. [Which one you mentioned 2?]
I meant, the problem of youth unemployment in general.

But it's not clear at all because you were talking about the lack of job opportunities and inadequate teaching/training at unis.

and I didn't get this one
For example, one of my own experience happened several years ago when I just graduated from university.
What's wrong with it?

the bolded one. Experiences don't happen in English. These words don't collocate.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Надо когда то начинать
Пожалуйста, прокомментируйте:
Television has had a significant influence on the culture of many societies. Television has positive and negative effects on the cultural development of our society.
To what extend do you agree or disagree?
Give reasons to your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or expierence.

It has been suggested that the culture of many societies is influenced by television. The question has been widely discussed in recently years.
Some people think that television has positive effects on the cultural development of our society while other says it is negative. Personaly, I think that question is a controversial one and is opened for debate.

Obviosly, there are many reasons to consider television is a useful invention of humanity.
Firstly, citizens of different countries could know more about their culture and show this one around the world. As a result, we can improve our knowledge about live in other countries without necessity of visiting these ones. For instance, I have saw exhibitions of the famous museums a lot instead of I really visited the Tretyakovskaya Gallery only.
Secondly, television assists us in case children raising. To illustrate it reminds about historical events in the past, about national kind of making things, such as wooden furniture, wool clothes and so on. Moreover adults could remind it themself also.
Thus, these examples allow to see positive aspects of television.

On the other hand, not everyone agrees with this.
There are people who think that television mixes the culture of many countries, so each of ones become a lot more poor.
In addition, TV programms, which include violence, crime and commercial, destroy our culture.

Taking all these points into cosideration, I would say that people should not avoid television in order to prevent their culture. However producers has to decrease amount of TV programm with crime and violence.
In summary, television has positive effects on the culture development more than negative ones.

Спасибо.

Никто не комментирует... Придется мне

Вы явно в самом начале пути, поэтому начнем с азов:
1. почему у вас такой странный paragraphing? Это проблемы форматирования или действительно вы так разбиваете текст на абзацы?
2. В Introduction тему эссе надо перефразировать. Если вы будете повторять слова из задания, то а) их вычитают из общего количества слов б) вы демонстритуете слабый словарный запас.
3. английский - ошибок очень много и по всем 'направлениям': grammar, сvocabulary, word forms etc. С другой стороны, построение предложений вполне себе ничего.
4. Выделенное зеленым никакого отношения к топику не имеет.

[АнатолийI]

Никто не комментирует... Придется мне

Вы явно в самом начале пути, поэтому начнем с азов:
1. почему у вас такой странный paragraphing? Это проблемы форматирования или действительно вы так разбиваете текст на абзацы?
2. В Introduction тему эссе надо перефразировать. Если вы будете повторять слова из задания, то а) их вычитают из общего количества слов б) вы демонстритуете слабый словарный запас.
3. английский - ошибок очень много и по всем 'направлениям': grammar, сvocabulary, word forms etc. С другой стороны, построение предложений вполне себе ничего.
4. Выделенное зеленым никакого отношения к топику не имеет.

Спасибо.
1. По параграфам, понимаю так, что должно быть три; при печати на ноутбуке замучался, что-то всё перескакивал курсор((
2. Понял. Всё в процессе
3. После того как закончил и выложил на сайт, замечал ошибки (конечно подозреваю, что не все).
Но не стал исправлять для объективности, так как на тестировании также бы этого не сделал.
4. Понял.


Насколько всё же критично количество слов в эссе в сторону увеличения?
Следующим постом отправлю второе эссе на проверку, мне кажется оно великоватым, но меньше как-то тоже не могу.
На сколько баллов тянет первое и второе?

Ещё раз спасибо.

P.S. по причине цейтнота второе эссе отправлю вечером, нет времени напечатать((