My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Второе на суд:


In achieving personal hapiness, our relationships with other people (family, friends, and collegues) are more important than anything else. Issues such as work and wealth take second place.
To what extend do you agree or disagree?

.......

Я по-моему еще ни разу ваши эссе не комментировала, так что и до вас очередь дошла. Вы, конечно, понимаете, что с английским пока серьезные проблемы, что отражается и на логическом развитии эссе, т.е. пока рано комментировать эссе как таковое (с моей точки зрения во всяком случае).

Давайте разберем вступление для начала.

Nowadays people often have a stressful 1 (adj) and fast (adj) rhythm (noun) of life. 9 The relationships with other people such as family, friends and collegues 2, become more valuable. However 3 some people consider that work and wealth take first place in their 4 lifes. 6 Personaly, I think that the 5. question is a controversial one and is open 7 for debate. 8

1. adj and adj + noun - One would expect that both adjectives describe the same noun as there're no other nouns. Hence this should be able to be rephrased --> stressful rhythm and fast rhythm. However, neither stressful nor fast collocate with rhythm, which means you've got a problem
2. What does this comma separate?
3. However is a signposting word and we must put a comma after it!
4. one wife - two wives, one loaf - two loaves, one leaf - two leaves, one life, two lives (but as everything else in English this is not a 100% rule )
5. Which question? You haven't mentioned any questions as yet! Maybe you mean 'the issue'?
6. Is this a typo or a spelling mistake: personally
7. In this context open TO debate
8. The last sentence is a cliche, which will not earn any brownie points.
9. There needs to be a 'stepping stone' from the first sentence to the second one. I think a cause and effect word would do the trick: Consequently / In this context / As a result (and don't forget that those are signposting words. See 3)

Please, don't feel upset, you're just at the beginning of the IELTS (crossed out) the real English discovery journey, and this might take some time.

[АнатолийI]

Maimiti_Isabella, thank you a lot for your attention to my essay.
If I felt upset it would be the worst way in case studying English, so I am not. ))
Undoubtedly I accepted all your notices, although I would be thankful to discuss a little about:
1. That my sentence was so liked by me. Absolutely I agree with that stressful rhythm is not correct collocation, though I am doubt with fast rhythm else.
8. I supposed that cliche assist me as elements of frame of my essay, these of which make my work a slightly easier ((

[Maimiti_Isabella]

fast rhythm[/B]

yes, in music.

--> fast pace of life / fast-paced life

so... some people live stressful and fast-paced life --> ... fast-paced and stressful life Последнее вроде как более логично.

Насчет клише. Возможно вы и правы, то есть опасность, что это перейдет в привычку, станет, как говорится, fossilised, а от этого уже очень трудно избавиться.

[АнатолийI]

Maimiti_Isabella, принято, спасибо again.

ожесточенно написал третье, но ушло по-моему минут сорок((
Прошу совет - стоит сразу совмещать time frame с разработками навыков?
Покорнейше прошу разобрать (позднее, as it'll be possible


Museum art galleries should be free of charge for the general public; a charge or even a voluntary charge should not be levied for admittance.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There is a question for discussion – should museum art galleries have free entry for the general public? Not everyone has same opinion in this, as a result, some people consider any fee which would support art gallery while other people say NO to admit this idea even.
In this essay I will discuss about these two points and try to find the best idea in conclusion.

On the one hand, obviously maintenance of such objects, as museums and art galleries, need to some expenses. There are payment for museum’s employees, the costs for restore the faded or cracked exhibits; also it demand some money in case organizing the guest exhibitions. Therefore any profit from ticket selling is a fine condition for existence of culture objects. For instance, it is known fact that the most famous museums takes payment from their visitors. However, there are a few price categories there: the cheapest cost is for students, the middle one is for residents and the most expensive- for foreign tourists. Thus, we can see the flexible management here.

On the other hand, our world consist of not wealth people too, who cannot allow themselves to spend money having desire to visit the cultural shows. It would be better to defend them from any fee. For example, in Russia, there is new tradition which appeared recently, became popular and called «The night in the museum». Everybody can come in a museum absolutely free according to this action. During such night exhibitions it become clear – how many people wish to visit museums.

In conclusion, I would say about necessity to take some fee at cultural objects rather than have an entry without any cost. However, the best way of price politic, probably, is different payment from low (nominal) to a bit more expensive and to remain possibility of free visiting.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

... .

У вас английского не хватает, так о каких временных рамках может идти речь?

Я честно не понимаю как вы готовитесь. По мне так читается/разбирается / учится материал на одну какую либо тему, а потом пишутся на эту тему эссе. Параллельно идет штудирование грамматики, которая 'поддерживает' эту тему и грамматики 'вообще'. Вы прыгаете с одной тему на другую, а словарного запаса не хватает. Не хватает и грамматики. Не хватает понимания как слова связаны друг с другом в предложении. В результате получается то, что получается.

Так огранизованы все учебники по подготовке к IELTS, TOEFL, FCE, etc Также организованы практически все современные учебники по английскому языку (по крайней мере изданные за последние 15 лет)

[АнатолийI]

У вас английского не хватает, так о каких временных рамках может идти речь?

Я честно не понимаю как вы готовитесь. По мне так читается/разбирается / учится материал на одну какую либо тему, а потом пишутся на эту тему эссе. Параллельно идет штудирование грамматики, которая 'поддерживает' эту тему и грамматики 'вообще'. Вы прыгаете с одной тему на другую, а словарного запаса не хватает. Не хватает и грамматики. Не хватает понимания как слова связаны друг с другом в предложении. В результате получается то, что получается.

ОК, завязываю "прыгать".
Эти полгода у меня раскачка что-ли, 27ого схожу на предтест - вылью (образно) на себя ушат холодной воды и возьмусь за дело.

[Semiramida]

Привет всем.
Покритикуйте мое эссе, пожалуйста.

Task:
It is important for travelers and business people to understand the cultures they come into contact with, however briefly. What are the main advantages of doing so? What do you think is the main disadvantage of not doing so?

Answer:

“When in Rome do as Romans do…”
An English proverb

Every year more and more people are travelling abroad. Nowadays you can hardly find a country on the Globe completely closed to foreign visitors. And whether you take a long holiday or just go on a flying business visit, obeying the local rules could bring you many benefits. Otherwise the consequences may be completely negative.

First of all, local cultural awareness may help you better understand local citizens and build trusting relations with them. You can find new friends from different cultures or get a permission to visit some amazing historic places, usually closed for foreigners. Overall, you may gain a precious experience and really enjoy your trip.

On the contrary, in the case that you ignored the traditions of the country and do not build reliable relations with local people, it may lead to many drawbacks. For example, when you have business relations with Japan entrepreneurs, it is vital to follow the Japan politeness rules. Otherwise, it is most unlikely that you could set up successful business there.

In addition, disobeying the most crucial rules and traditions may lead to rather dramatic results. For instance, for throwing a paper down on a street in Singapore you can be fined by up to $500. Moreover, in some Arabic counties if a male stranger tries to see the covered face of the woman he would like to know better, the consequences could be devastating.

To conclude, I strongly believe that understanding local culture and following local rules would help an individual enjoying a trip while avoiding many potential hazards.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Привет всем.
Покритикуйте мое эссе, пожалуйста.

Task:
It is important for travelers and business people to understand the cultures they come into contact with, however briefly. What are the main advantages of doing so? What do you think is the main disadvantage of not doing so?

Answer:

“When in Rome do as Romans do…”
An English proverb

.....

У меня к вам несколько вопросов:
1. Из какого пособия по подготовке к IELTS вы взяли эту тему?
2. В каком пособии (или может на официальном сайте?) вы вычитали, что можно постоянно 'разговаривать' с экзаменатором, т.е. использовать you?
3. В каком пособии или учебнике вы прочитали, что and является signposting word и употребляется в начале предложения в formal writing?
4. Сколько эссе вы прочитали и проанализировали, прежде чем написать свое?
5. Почему вы так сконцентрировались на rules, когда в задании эссе об этом нет ни слова.

И последнее: какой балл вам нужен? Английский у вас хороший, но...

[Semiramida]

Отвечаю на вопросы:

1. Насчет пособия - не уверена, писала по распечатке. Скорее всего вот это
Writing Academic English
by Alice Oshima, by Ann Hogue
fourth edition

2. Использование you - это моя особенность. По-другому быстро писать не получается.

3. And использовала, потому что мне фраза с ним больше понравилась. Нигде про это не читала.

4. Эссе пишу регулярно и читаю образцы эссе тоже регулярно. Данное эссе полностю мое (думаю, это видно из прмеров), хотя перед этим активно изучала тему туризма и насовала в сочинение все подходящие фразы.

5. По мне тема "понимание местной культуры" означает понимание и следование ее правилам.

Я хочу написать на 7.5. Насколько бы Вы оценили данное сочинение?

[Polina_K]

Привет всем.
Покритикуйте мое эссе, пожалуйста.

Task:
It is important for travelers and business people to understand the cultures they come into contact with, however briefly. What are the main advantages of doing so? What do you think is the main disadvantage of not doing so?

Answer:

“When in Rome do as Romans do…”
An English proverb

Every year more and more people are travelling abroad. Nowadays you can hardly find a country on the Globe completely closed to foreign visitors. And whether you take a long holiday or just go on a flying business visit, obeying the local rules could bring you many benefits. Otherwise the consequences may be completely negative.

First of all, local cultural awareness may help you better understand local citizens and build trusting relations with them. You can find new friends from different cultures or get a permission to visit some amazing historic places, usually closed for foreigners. Overall, you may gain a precious experience and really enjoy your trip.

On the contrary, in the case that you ignored the traditions of the country and do not build reliable relations with local people, it may lead to many drawbacks. For example, when you have business relations with Japan entrepreneurs, it is vital to follow the Japan politeness rules. Otherwise, it is most unlikely that you could set up successful business there.

In addition, disobeying the most crucial rules and traditions may lead to rather dramatic results. For instance, for throwing a paper down on a street in Singapore you can be fined by up to $500. Moreover, in some Arabic counties if a male stranger tries to see the covered face of the woman he would like to know better, the consequences could be devastating.

To conclude, I strongly believe that understanding local culture and following local rules would help an individual enjoying a trip while avoiding many potential hazards.

У вас хорошее "чувство языка" в целом, но стоит немного поработать над task response
Например, от вас просят "What are the main advantages" и "What is the main disadvantage", вы же даёте один абзац на преимущества и два на недостатки

Смотрим band descriptors

TR 6 - "addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be more fully covered than others"

"Understanding cultures" и "obeying rules" вообще о разном.

Используя "you", вы может и выигрываете время, но теряете сразу в трёх критериях.

1) TR 5 "the format may be inappropriate in places"
2) упускаете шанс показать свой словарный запас.
3) упускаете шанс показать referencing

Overall, you may gain a precious experience = a traveller may gain
when you have business relations = when Western business owners try to cultivate relationship.

Другие возможности - использовать "one", "a person", "people"

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Отвечаю на вопросы:

1. Насчет пособия - не уверена, писала по распечатке. Скорее всего вот это
Writing Academic English
by Alice Oshima, by Ann Hogue
fourth edition

2. Использование you - это моя особенность. По-другому быстро писать не получается.

3. And использовала, потому что мне фраза с ним больше понравилась. Нигде про это не читала.

4. Эссе пишу регулярно и читаю образцы эссе тоже регулярно. Данное эссе полностю мое (думаю, это видно из прмеров), хотя перед этим активно изучала тему туризма и насовала в сочинение все подходящие фразы.

5. По мне тема "понимание местной культуры" означает понимание и следование ее правилам.

Я хочу написать на 7.5. Насколько бы Вы оценили данное сочинение?

1. Эти книги - одно из лучших по организации эссе и по подходу к нaписанию определенных типов эссе, но как ни крути, к IELTS они отношения не имеют. Поэтому подобную формулировку и spelling задания на IELTS вы не увидите. Кстати, в данном пособии нет ни отдной темы с двойным вопросом, если я не ошибаюсь.
2. Замечательно. А я вот люблю писать Gothic stories, но какое отношение это имеет к formal essay?
3. См 2
4. То что ваше - сомнения не вызывает ни на минуту. Но то что вы не изучили требования к эссе для IELTS, FCE or CAE тоже сомнения не вызывает. Иначе бы не было 2 и 3.
5. Это ваше право считать так. Только потом не обижайтесь на IELTS markers за то, что они недооценили ваше 'я'.

На данный момент - 6.5 или если повезет 7. Будете писать эссе как требуется - 8 вполне возможна (если судить по данному эссе).

ПС эпиграфы в эссе никто не оценит. Это не сочинение. Этого нет даже в Oshima и Hogue

[Semiramida]

Девушки, благодарю за конструктивную критику.

[HighHope]

Всем доброго время суток! Еще раз прошу помощи у "старших товарищей"! Буду безмерна благодарна Вашей помощи и конструктивной критике. Заключение "провальное" по времени не уложилась.

In some countries, governments are encouraging industries and businesses to move out of large cities and into regional areas. Do you think advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?


Today the governments of some countries believe that it is a good idea to remove industries from cities to countryside. This solution has as pros as cons and in the following paragraphs I will give my point of view concerning this situation.

Today there is no doubt that a huge amount of cities around the whole world have a lot of environmental problems. The manufactures are one of the main reasons of pollution. As a result, in some countries the governments decided to solve the problem with help a transfer of biggest industries from cities to regional area. This solution has some benefits such as new work places in countryside and a developing of infrastructure of regions. For example, as a rule, when people are building a new large manufacture they also are building a new residential complex, schools, hospital and shops in this area.

Despite many advantages this resolution has some disadvantages. First and foremost, it will be has negative impact on nature of the countryside and on the agricultural sector. Then, this way is very expensive and money which will be spent on moving can be used more effectively. There are cheaper solutions. All manufactures should use filters on stacks and the government could fund this measure and have strict control about this requirement. Another condition is the factories have to establish waste-free production by modern equipment. There are a lot of different methods which are successful using in some developed countries.

Taking into consideration what I have said above, I would like to say that in some cases the solution to move out largest factories has many pluses and decision is in the hand of governments of countries

[dazik]

Guys, please, comment on my essay. What is the main problem in my writing?

Why do you think artists like writers, musicians and painters still have value in society? Discuss.

Nowadays, people of creative professions still have been paid much attention by a general population. What is a fascination of their artworks? It is possible to understand by having analyzed the historical significance as well as spiritual value provided by art workers.

Firstly, it is well known that visiting museums has an immense educational value, as it not only enable s people to admire masterpieces created by artists from different epochs but also helps citizens to comprehend deeply historical events of bygone ages. If Shakespeare had not written his well-known poems, historians might not have had so vivid picture of medieval period which the poet described. Consequently, contemporary artists, writers and musicians are now producing pieces of art which can be of utmost importance for future generations. Thus, it becomes apparent that acquisition of knowledge that is conveyed by artworks can be a reason for artists’ significance in society.

Secondly, having exceptional abilities, many artists have uncanny talents to trigger emotions. For example, Madonna, whose popularity had stretched across the world by her 30-s , is able to evoke feelings of their ardent admirers. That is probably the reason why she has always met with a great acclaim and her concerts are sold out. As a result, it is become clear that artist’s emotional power can grab people’s attention.

Taking into account the reasons mentioned above, one can reach a conclusion that art workers have become indelible part of our society. They can both create visual records of memorable moments and make our lives more emotionally vivid.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Всем доброго время суток! Еще раз прошу помощи у "старших товарищей"! Буду безмерна благодарна Вашей помощи и конструктивной критике. Заключение "провальное" по времени не уложилась.

С TA у вас неплохо (хотя почему-то в заключении вы решили 'переделать' задание: откуда вдруг взялись largest factories и все-таки outweigh или нет? и куда делись businesses? )
Главная ваша проблема очень примитивна: нехватка английского. Это сказывается как на словарном запасе, так и на построении предложений (there is/are x 3). Побочный эффект данной проблемы - использование неформальной лексиски (a lot of x 2).

Anyway, if 6 is enough for you, you might be able to get it. Otherwise, you need to improve your English.

I'm going to have a look at just the beginning, to illustrate what I mean.

In 1. some countries, governments are encouraging industries and 2. businesses to move out of large cities and into regional areas. Do you think advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?


Today the governments of some countries believe that it is a good idea to remove industries from cities to countryside. 3. This solution has 4. as pros as cons and in the following paragraphs I will give my point of view concerning this situation.....

1. repetition of the words used in the task. + Repetition of the sentence structure.
2. TA - this idea has not been discussed in the essay at all: you just ignored it.
3. What do you mean? There hasn't been any problem mentioned so far so what are you trying to solve?
4. Please revise the use of the coordinated conjunction as... as.

След. абзац опять начинается с today...