My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[SunRise]

Hey SunRise, this time I will only be able to provide some response on the organisation of your essay. Won't have access to my laptop for some more time, so I won't be able to provide any feedback on your grammar and vocabulary, as it's too painful to do it on the mobile. Anyone willing to help SunRise with grammatical mistakes and vocabulary, please go ahead.

...

Hope this will be helpful, Goran.

Goran Dražić, thanks for quick and, as forever, concrete review.

1. I've thought that "...for instance for sport or music..." in topic is only for example, i.e. for my clarification of topic. But you show that it was not "for instance", but "mandatory".

2. When I've taken this topic (from Mirina) I didn't think that it is too difficult. Only when I'd begun to write I've understand that I have no ideas what to write about. Only one idea was born in my head. My essay was about that idea. I absolutely agree with you that my attempt is not good. Your view is much better -

How can you answer this question? 1. In some/all cases you need a talent. 2. In some/all cases you can be tought. All you have to do now is think of the "cases". In 1. you can write about occupations connected with sports and music that involve a lotvof creativity. For example, a composer or a forward in football. Creativity is something that is prohlematic to teach, so here if you are not talented, you are screwed. In 2. you can write about occupations connected with discipline like a defender in football, with developing some technique like a javelin thrower or with a lot of practice like a musician playing in an orchestra. That's my vision of this essay.

. I tried to do some similar, i.e. create simpler questions for answering, but have no success. My question was like "Could talented and no talented children get similar results".

3. My opinion is in the last paragraph. But you are quite right again. It doesn't look like my opinion. Moreover, I combined it with conclusion. In general, as far as I understand, it is not bad idea, but my realization is too weak - neither opinion nor conclusion.

Goran, thanks again for you critical review. It is that really help me (and other candidates also) to understand what to do.

[SunRise]

Крадите сколько хотите. Это даже очень помогает, взглянуть по другому на одну и ту же тему. Я вот например увидела более четче свои ошибки в изложении мысли, чего не учла и что не так поняла.
С нетерпением жду критики вашего эссе, что бы детальнее разобраться. Лично мне ход мыслей понравился. Но я не професионал и не могу пока оценить как должно быть.

Мои эссе - практически идеальный материал на предмет того, как не нужно писать эссе.
И, надо сказать, я с каждым разом совершенствуюсь - есть еще порох в пороховницах!

[Goran Dražić]

1. Providing examples from other areas where the notion of talent is also applicable would have been fine I guess. But to be on the safe side I would stick to what you were given in the task. Especially simce sports and music were mentioned twice.

2. Always hated discussion essays Sometimes the two options you are given seem not to contradict each other and you have to dig. To be honest, in this case it wasn't difficult for me to understand what should be discussed. The first opinion is not very clear, but the second one is and it explain the first one.

3. Putting the opinion part in conclusion is fine with me. Actually, I don't quite understand how to make a separate paragraphe from it and then have somethong left to say in conclusion. I would, however, suggest something that more clearly indicates that it's an opinion, like it seems or to my mind.

[SunRise]

1. Providing examples from other areas where the notion of talent is also applicable would have been fine I guess. But to be on the safe side I would stick to what you were given in the task. Especially simce sports and music were mentioned twice.

2. Always hated discussion essays Sometimes the two options you are given seem not to contradict each other and you have to dig. To be honest, in this case it wasn't difficult for me to understand what should be discussed. The first opinion is not very clear, but the second one is and it explain the first one.

3. Putting the opinion part in conclusion is fine with me. Actually, I don't quite understand how to make a separate paragraphe from it and then have somethong left to say in conclusion. I would, however, suggest something that more clearly indicates that it's an opinion, like it seems or to my mind.

My previous replay was not to argue with you. I just tried to explain (mostly to my own) why I did so.
I absolutely agree with you. Moreover, I accept your comment "as is".
Thanks you for your attention! I try to apply your recommendation, but results say that unsuccessfully.

I can't get no satisfaction,
I can't get no satisfaction.
'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try.
I can't get no, I can't get no.
(c) Rolling Stones

[Vyacheslav16]

Goran Dražić, I can't believe my eyes. I know your English is very good. I remember you’ve done band 8, and it’s a great result. Were you so careless in spelling writing your test essays as you were in the last messages? Is the use of your device causing these problems?

[Goran Dražić]

Depends on what you have in mind, bro. If you are talking about "tought" then it's as simple as illiteracy Some other stuff are typos and autocorrection glitches.

[Vanderley]

Vyacheslav16, правильно, держите ухо востро, а то эти грамотеи вас сейчас понаучиваю

"Unagi is a state of total awareness. Okay? Only by achieving true unagi can you be prepared for any danger(in our case grammatical mistakes) that may befall you!", Ross Geller

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Vyacheslav16, правильно, держите ухо востро, а то эти грамотеи вас сейчас понаучиваюT

[Goran Dražić]

Vyacheslav16, правильно, держите ухо востро, а то эти грамотеи вас сейчас понаучиваю

"Unagi is a state of total awareness. Okay? Only by achieving true unagi can you be prepared for any danger(in our case grammatical mistakes) that may befall you!", Ross Geller

That's a good one and has inversion in it, bonus

[Maimiti_Isabella]

My previous replay was not to argue with you. I just tried to explain (mostly to my own) why I did so.
I absolutely agree with you. Moreover, I accept your comment "as is".
Thanks you for your attention! I try to apply your recommendation, but results say that unsuccessfully.

Hold on...
How come you can write like that and not being able to show the same level in your essay?

[Vyacheslav16]

Мое эссе №8. На этот раз по обстоятельствам времени было немного, это объясняет простоватый вокабуляр, не такой академичный, как хотелось бы. Прошу оценить.

Parents often buy their children many toys. What are the advantages and disadvantages of children having a large number of toys? Use examples from your personal knowledge and experience.

It is well known that parents in most cultures buy their children many toys. In some cases, if parents can afford it, the number of gifts may increase rapidly. Some people believe it is good for children to have plenty of toys while others say it is useless or sometimes even destructive to their mental health. Arguments in favour of both sides will be examined in this essay.

On the one hand, large quantities of toys are of great benefit to children. Firstly, they always seem very interested and happy when they get new toys. Secondly, every particular toy has something special in it useful for a child’s development. For example, a toy car can form general understanding how cars are made. Thus, it is quite understandable why buying many toys is so beneficial for children.

On the other hand, when there is an enormous amount of toys in the house, some negative consequences may take place. To begin with, many toys, which seem to be never used again, lie on shelves or in boxes taking valuable space and it is very sad to throw them away. Moreover, when children are too young, an endless variety of toys of different types, sizes and especially colours may influence children’s mental health negatively. According to some psychologists, a young mind may be not ready to deal with such variety.

In conclusion, there are strong arguments to support both points of view. Buying many new toys thoughtfully, taking children’s age into account, seems to be the most rational decision.

Кол-во слов: 256.

[АнатолийI]

Vyacheslav16, читается легко.
Последнее предложение в заключении - заставило задуматься в правильности постороения. Пишу не как критик, а с вопросом для собственного развития - всё ли нормально в плане построения?
Buying...taking..seems

Спасибо.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Мое эссе №8. На этот раз по обстоятельствам времени было немного, это объясняет простоватый вокабуляр, не такой академичный, как хотелось бы. Прошу оценить.

Parents often buy their children many toys. What are the advantages and disadvantages of children having a large number of toys? Use examples from your personal knowledge and experience.

It is well known that parents in most cultures buy their children many toys. In some cases, if parents can afford it, the number of gifts may increase rapidly. Some people believe it is good for children to have plenty of toys while others say it is useless or sometimes even destructive to their mental health. Arguments in favour of both sides will be examined in this essay.

On the one hand, large quantities of toys are of great benefit to children. Firstly, they always seem very interested and happy when they get new toys. Secondly, every particular toy has something special in it useful for a child’s development. For example, a toy car can form general understanding how cars are made. Thus, it is quite understandable why buying many toys is so beneficial for children.

On the other hand, when there is an enormous amount of toys in the house, some negative consequences may take place. To begin with, many toys, which seem to be never used again, lie on shelves or in boxes taking valuable space and it is very sad to throw them away. Moreover, when children are too young, an endless variety of toys of different types, sizes and especially colours may influence children’s mental health negatively. According to some psychologists, a young mind may be not ready to deal with such variety.

In conclusion, there are strong arguments to support both points of view. Buying many new toys thoughtfully, taking children’s age into account, seems to be the most rational decision.

Кол-во слов: 256.

6.
Problems with:
coherene /TA
grammartical and vocabulary sophistication


Vyacheslav16,
дайте знать когда появитесь на форуме: мне хотелось бы кое-что с вами обсудить. (денег за это не беру )

[Vanderley]

А со мной так никогда ничего не обсуждали Mad and jealous

[Maimiti_Isabella]

А со мной так никогда ничего не обсуждали Mad and jealous

Если 'обсуждение' пройдет удачно, то его результаты вы увидите