My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[agronom]

commuters насколько уместно его употреблять.ведь вас спрашивают про авто а не про пасажиров.не уверен точно можно ли использовать вместо car owners or drivers.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Доброго вечера всем! В порядке эксперимента решила выложить вчерашнее эссе, буду признательна, если кто-то найдет время почитать и прокомментировать. Готовлюсь сама, target score 7+, мечтаю о 8 Тема взята из “Collins Writing for IELTS”. Спасибо заранее!


There is a good deal of evidence that increasing car use is contributing to global warming and having other undesirable effects on people’s health and well-being.

What can be done to discourage people from using their cars?

In the modern world, cars have become an essential part of people’s lives. While convenience of their use is obvious, it is necessary to consider negative impacts as well. Scientists claim that emissions from vehicles significantly contribute both to climate change and increase in frequency of respiratory diseases. Therefore, specific actions should be taken to decrease usage of cars. This essay will outline two approaches to achieving this goal.

One possible approach is to develop public transport network so as to make it more attractive for average commuters. In particular, prices for tickets should be lowered and number of routes increased. It is also necessary to make public transport more reliable. Effectiveness of such measures has been proved by examples of Moscow, Copenhagen and Marseilles. However, many people value privacy ensured by using personal means of transport and do not want to compromise this advantage.

Another approach is to apply economic measures, like increasing taxes on car owners and service centres. This would irritate public; however, economic means are most effective in securing desirable result. It would be honest to invest collected funds into alternative energy development. Sociological surveys show that commuters from developed countries tend to use less personal transport than those surveyed in BRIC countries. This is mostly due to higher taxes and maintenance costs in the EU, the USA and Australia.

In summary, there is considerable negative influence of using cars on public health and the environment. Possible ways to mitigate it include economic pressure on car owners, and development of public transport. In fact, these approaches are not alternative and can complement one another.

267 words

Данное эссе я бы оценила на 7.5. Вы молодец, хорошо пишете. Хороший английский, много красивых предложений.

[Tal]

Спасибо большое всем, кто отозвался! Интересно узнать, как моя писанина выглядит со стороны) Сделала некоторые выводы, буду работать.

Сначала предлагаете вариант решения проблемы, а потом говорите, что так-то он вообще не сработает.

Это правда, а я и не заметила. Пыталась продемонстрировать “Critical thinking skills”) Наверное, проблему можно решить, заменив “many” на “some”.

Мини-заключение. Иногда, можно опускать.

Не слышала, не использовала. Попробую, спасибо.

Еще лично я бы более подробно раскрыл варианты повышения платежей для владельцев авто: платные парковки в центре, платные дороги, ведущие в центр и т.д.

Запомню, вдруг пригодится на реальном экзамене) У меня систематическая трудность с генерированием внятных идей: времени не хватает. Пару минут выхожу из ступора после прочтения темы, еще пару минут ловлю две первые попавшиеся идеи и примерно обозначаю план, и все, строчить. На проверку остается тоже пара минут. Пока не победила это.

commuters насколько уместно его употреблять.ведь вас спрашивают про авто а не про пасажиров.не уверен точно можно ли использовать вместо car owners or drivers.

Не думала об этом в таком контексте. Вроде как, commuters – те, кому надо добираться до работы и обратно. Но синонимов можно было употребить больше, это правда. Тогда бы и commuters подзатерялись на общем фоне.

Данное эссе я бы оценила на 7.5. Вы молодец, хорошо пишете. Хороший английский, много красивых предложений.

Приятно слышать) Английский язык вообще красивый. Постараюсь в оставшееся время еще натаскаться на формат.


Выводы для себя сделала такие:
Побольше внимания синонимам (разнообразию и уместности);
Внимательнее относится к балансу advantage/disadvantage;
Попробовать писать заключительное предложение в конце параграфа;
Две минуты на ступор – много)

[NestyIvan]

Постараюсь в оставшееся время еще натаскаться на формат.

А заходите в гости вот в эту тему. Мы там как раз этими полезностями и занимаемся.

[Tal]

Да, полезная тема. Я на ее основе себе составила шаблон, как писать введение) Если будет еще раунд, присоединюсь.

[Antonn]

Всем доброго дня! Попробовал написать и письмо и эссе, но по времени, к сожалению, не уложился - сказывается недостаток практики. У кого есть возможность оцените, пожалуйста. Можно ли за это получить 6? На семерку уже не надеюсь

You stayed with a local family when you participate a training program in New Zealand. You left New Zealand in a hurry and found that you left your laptop computer in the family. Write a letter to the family, thanking them for their hospitality. Describe your computer and where it is and ask the host to send it back to you.

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Noname,

I am writing to you in order to thank you for your hospitality. I appreciate all you had done for me while my staying in your family. It’s a pity that my participation in a training program had been over and I had to leave you because I was used to you.

As you know, I was hurrying when I left your house, therefore, unfortunately I forgot a laptop in my bedroom. It’s a small black computer of the “Acer” firm. I guess I put it off on the night table near the bed. I didn’t want to pack it in a case but to take it with me.

This thing is very precious for me, so I would appreciate if you could send it back to me. The way of delivery is not important as well as its price. Of course, I will indemnify the cost of delivery.

Thank you in advance for your kind help! I will be looking forward to your reply.

Sincerely yours,

Antonn.

Some people believe that children’s leisure activities must be educational, otherwise they are a complete waste of time. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your experience.

Today our children have to study hard to achieve the results they are expected. People differ in their opinion whether children deserve having a rest or should be concentrated on study every time. I absolutely agree with the first opinion and there will be shown all the reasons of that.

The first thing that should be noted is that children are usual people as well as we are. They also usually get tired after their classes and want to have a rest. We should not force them to do only educational activities, because they have it enough in their study process. Otherwise, we only get their reluctance and decreasing learning progress. My friend’s daughter can serve as illustration of behavior deterioration after forcing to study after classes. Instead of improving her results became worse.

Another point to support my opinion is that spending all the time without moving activities may lead to health harm. Going in for sport is a very important thing to make a person fit and healthy which can help to rich good results in mental working. For instance, my brother’s son spends energy in football every evening which help him to feel well and to be concentrated in study process without problem. This example clearly shows that children should get versatile development, both mental and physical.

On the contrary, opponents could claim that children who spend their leisure time in complementary education are able to adapt to contemporary environment’s conditions better. However, I am not convinced that it overlays importance of physical trainings for development of personality.

Taking all these points into consideration, I would say that our children have enough mental working at their study process. We should let them to choose the activities they like in order to get both comprehensive education and happy children.

Самому не нравится "простота", имею ввиду что вроде пассивный вокабуляр хороший, но как доходит до письма или говорения, на ум приходят только самые примитивные слова и фразы. Возможно сказалось, что учился только самостоятельно.

[Polina_K]

Выделила красным то, что не очень. В том числе, не очень выбор темы для письма.

Много повторов.

За письмо может быть 6, за эссе - 5.5

Всем доброго дня! Попробовал написать и письмо и эссе, но по времени, к сожалению, не уложился - сказывается недостаток практики. У кого есть возможность оцените, пожалуйста. Можно ли за это получить 6? На семерку уже не надеюсь

You stayed with a local family when you participate a training program in New Zealand. You left New Zealand in a hurry and found that you left your laptop computer in the family. Write a letter to the family, thanking them for their hospitality. Describe your computer and where it is and ask the host to send it back to you.

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Noname,

I am writing to you in order to thank you for your hospitality (repetition). I appreciate all you had done for me while my staying in your family. It’s a pity that my participation in a training program had been over and I had to leave you because I was used (this mistake causes some difficulty for the reader) to you.

As you know, I was hurrying when I left your house, therefore, unfortunately I forgot a laptop in my bedroom. It’s a small black computer of the “Acer” firm. I guess I put it off (this mistake causes some difficulty for the reader) on the night table near the bed. I didn’t want to pack it in a case but to take it with me.

This thing is very precious for me, so I would appreciate if you could send it back to me. The way of delivery is not important as well as its price. Of course, I will indemnify the cost of delivery.

Thank you in advance for your kind help! I will be looking forward to your reply.

Sincerely yours,

Antonn.

Some people believe that children’s leisure activities must be educational, otherwise they are a complete waste of time. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your experience.

Today our children have to study hard to achieve the results they are expected. People differ in their opinion whether children deserve having a rest or should be concentrated on study every time. I absolutely agree with the first opinion and there will be shown all the reasons of that.

The first thing that should be noted is that children are usual people as well as we are. They also usually get tired after their classes and want to have a rest. We should not force them to do only educational activities, because they have it enough in their study process. Otherwise, we only get their reluctance and decreasing learning progress (this mistake causes some difficulty for the reader). My friend’s daughter can serve as illustration of behavior deterioration after forcing (this mistake causes some difficulty for the reader) to study after classes. Instead of improving her results became worse. (this mistake causes some difficulty for the reader)

Another point to support my opinion is that spending all the time without moving activities may lead to health harm. Going in for sport is a very important thing to make a person fit and healthy (comma) which can help to rich good results in mental working. For instance, my brother’s son spends energy in football every evening(comma) which help him to feel well and to be concentrated in study process without problem. This example clearly shows that children should get versatile development, both mental and physical.

On the contrary, opponents could claim that children who spend their leisure time in complementary education are able to adapt to contemporary environment’s conditions better. (this mistake causes some difficulty for the reader) However, I am not convinced that it overlays importance of physical trainings for development of personality.

Taking all these points into consideration, I would say that our children have enough mental working at their study process. We should let them to choose the activities they like in order to get both comprehensive education and happy children.

Самому не нравится "простота", имею ввиду что вроде пассивный вокабуляр хороший, но как доходит до письма или говорения, на ум приходят только самые примитивные слова и фразы. Возможно сказалось, что учился только самостоятельно.

[Vanderley]

At present, there are a lot of smokers all over the world. Most of them smoke not only in special places but in public as well. However, it may also affect those who are nearby negatively. While some people are of the opinion that smoking is the part of human rights, I believe that it should be prohibited in public places.

One argument put forward against banning smoking is that all respectable taxpayers should have the same rights regardless __ their habits. If lighting up a cigarette in public were prohibited __ it would cause a lack of people's equality. In addition, it is argued that these restrictions will hit many businesses pretty hard. The overwhelming majority of local stalls will have to close out because tobacco is their primary income __ and they will be unable to handle such a rough patch.

However, I do not believe these arguments stand up for scrutiny. First, smoking is considerably detrimental not only for smokers but also for those who are nearby. Tobacco users put in danger ordinary people making from them so-called passive smokers. People may not endanger other people even if the first ones need to restrain their rights in order to achieve this goal. Secondly, smokers may also affect kids because they always strive to take after adults. They have high risk of starting smoking in early age. Consequently, lighting up a cigarette in public definitely influences our society negatively.

In conclusion, it is clear that smoking in public may affect other people. Therefore, I believe that it should be outlawed. I hope that governments around the world will take this issue into consideration and forbid this terrible habit as soon as possible.

Ещё два коммента:

• вы два раза не на правильное место negatively поставили.
• по структуре. первое предложение в заключении неудачное. то что вы пишете дано в формулировке. в заключении должны быть выводы, мнения, предикшн/рекомендэйшн.

[Vanderley]

The subject of smoking in public places is one of the gratest concern_ nowadays. As far as cigarettes are detrimental to both who smoke and who is nearby __ I firmly belive that smoking in common places should be restricted.

On the one hand, there are some drawbacks in prohibiting of smoking. Firstly, it might breach some rights of smokers. Any person living within a democracy is should be able to express his or her life principles. For instance, many people paint various tattoos on their's skin becouse they feel themselves better with them. It is also can be harmfull to one's health __ but in compare to smoking no one tends to restrict tattoos. Another reason is that health of smokers might be additionally harmed. It have been proven that condition of these people may become worse with permanent notifications that smoking is of high risk for health. Moreover, in some cases it even cultivates development of dangerous deseases like cancer.

However, tobaccos consumption present strict danger to society and should be restricted in public areas. It is widely known that cigarettes provoke many deseases not only for smokers but also for people who are nearby. For instance, children are exposed to not only the effects of detrimental smoke but the possibility of being addicted to the cigarettes as they always aspire to copy adults' behaviour. Probably, with less number of smokers in public places, society will be more healthy. Another argument is based on the principle of democracy - "the power of many". It is quiet obvious that people have to abide __ common rules that are appropriate for prevailing part of society. Following by these facts the government should prohibit smoking in common places like cafes and cinemas.

In conclusion, it is clear that smoking in public places should be restricted. Despite the fact that it possibly might affect someone's rights, the government have to take into consideration the opinion of the most part of society.

[debugx]

Ещё два коммента:

• вы два раза не на правильное место negatively поставили.
• по структуре. первое предложение в заключении неудачное. то что вы пишете дано в формулировке. в заключении должны быть выводы, мнения, предикшн/рекомендэйшн.

Спасибо. Меня немного переклинило, использовать ли adverbs после verbs или перед. Вот здесь написано, что зачастую оба варианта допустимы.

[NestyIvan]

The subject of smoking in public places is one of the gratest concern_ nowadays. As far as cigarettes are detrimental to both who smoke and who is nearby __ I firmly belive that smoking in common places should be restricted.

On the one hand, there are some drawbacks in prohibiting of smoking. Firstly, it might breach some rights of smokers. Any person living within a democracy is should be able to express his or her life principles. For instance, many people paint various tattoos on their's skin becouse they feel themselves better with them. It is also can be harmfull to one's health __ but in compare to smoking no one tends to restrict tattoos. Another reason is that health of smokers might be additionally harmed. It have been proven that condition of these people may become worse with permanent notifications that smoking is of high risk for health. Moreover, in some cases it even cultivates development of dangerous deseases like cancer.

However, tobaccos consumption present strict danger to society and should be restricted in public areas. It is widely known that cigarettes provoke many deseases not only for smokers but also for people who are nearby. For instance, children are exposed to not only the effects of detrimental smoke but the possibility of being addicted to the cigarettes as they always aspire to copy adults' behaviour. Probably, with less number of smokers in public places, society will be more healthy. Another argument is based on the principle of democracy - "the power of many". It is quiet obvious that people have to abide __ common rules that are appropriate for prevailing part of society. Following by these facts the government should prohibit smoking in common places like cafes and cinemas.

In conclusion, it is clear that smoking in public places should be restricted. Despite the fact that it possibly might affect someone's rights, the government have to take into consideration the opinion of the most part of society.

1. concerns - множественное конечно. один из многих.
2. Не уверен, но предположу, что было бы уместнее использовать while, т.к. As far as здесь не совсем уместно.
3. Нжн зпт тчк. Сложносочинённое предложение. Зависимое идёт перед главным.
4. I shall never say "I'm agree anymore" ... Не нужен тут is, конечно же...
5. Their. Переделал бы вообще этот момент на "...many people cover their body with various tattoos..."
6. Because. Потому-что because и всё тут.
7. Типичный рунглиш! Категорично не нужен themselves. И ведь обсуждали сто раз уже...
8. см. п. 4.
9. Сложносочинённое. Перед союзом but нжн зпт тчк
10. In comparing to. Да, мы же не говорим "в сравнить с". В равнении с, естественно.
11. A и The сидели на трубе. A упало, The пропало, а хотелось бы, чтобы The осталось...
12. Пока что не понял, что с most part.

Vanderley, спасибо большое!

[Vanderley]

2. Не уверен, но предположу, что было бы уместнее использовать while, т.к. As far as здесь не совсем уместно.

Я не уверен что так можно as far as использовать. Никогда не встречао. Для меня as far as как-то больше "насколько".

10. In comparing to. Да, мы же не говорим "в сравнить с". В равнении с, естественно.

Я сейчас нашёл два варианта:

• compared to/with
• in comparison with/to

Вашего нету. Мне самому хочется герундий сюда впихнуть, но гугл говорит что не стоит.

11. A и The сидели на трубе. A упало, The пропало, а хотелось бы, чтобы The осталось...

Мимо хинт: проблема не с common rules.

12. Пока что не понял, что с most part.

Мне как-то ухо резануло. Сразу не совсем понимал почему. Сейчас подумал, погуглил, most употребляется перед множественным числом или неисчисляемыми. Смотрите тут. не знаю насколько это авторитетный источник правда.

[debugx]

Vanderley, только сейчас дошло, что еще можно работу над ошибками делать :
1. Артикль the
2. regardless to their habits.
3. Запятая перед and. Сложносочиненное предложение
4. Так лучше звучит? negatively affect those who are nearby
5. Про заключение постараюсь запомнить. Наверное можно просто первые два предложения в одно объединить:
In conclusion, it is clear that smoking in public should be outlawed. I hope that governments around the world will take this issue into consideration and forbid this terrible habit as soon as possible.

[Vanderley]

1. Артикль the

Что с ним не так? Как должно быть и почему?

2. regardless to their habits.

Неа. Regardless.

3. Запятая перед and. Сложносочиненное предложение

Угу. Вы ещё запятую в кондишнале пропустили. Какое правило про запятые в кондишналах?

4. Так лучше звучит? negatively affect those who are nearby

мне так больше нравится. Это немного сложный вопрос. Правил по тому куда ставяться адвербы особо нету. Я больше на интуицию ориентируюсь.

5. Про заключение постараюсь запомнить. Наверное можно просто первые два предложения в одно объединить:
In conclusion, it is clear that smoking in public should be outlawed. I hope that governments around the world will take this issue into consideration and forbid this terrible habit as soon as possible.

Вот это уже заключение!

[Mzymta]

Через месяц сдаю IELTS. Покритикуйте пож-та

Some people think that the government should pay one of the parents of very young children to stay at home to look after their children.

What do you think would be the advantages and disadvantages of this policy?

Everything has advantages and disadvantages, and social security is not an exception. It is generally believed that the government should pay maternity leave. But sometimes mothers do not get any payments. Both options are presented in this essay.

As a rule, all the period of maternity leave is paid by the government. Usually, caring about a child lasts three years, and all this time women do not work. Of course, social benefits are a guarantee of financial well-being of a family. For instance, child’s payments allow young parents to pay for all necessary toddlers’ goods which often cost the same price as for adults. Moreover, parents, who have a low annual income, have a chance to buy a car or invest money in their property and real estate.

In contrast, some countries do not pay child’s benefits. In other words, many breastfeeding mothers need bread and butter, because they are single or their husbands earn not enough money for keeping a family. This fact forces such women to return to work as soon as it is possible. As a result, children do not get enough attention from their parents, and they are brought up by grandparents or nannies.

To sum it up, both variants were considered. Personally, I suggest that all mothers should enjoy their motherhood as long as they wish it, and they must not drop out their 1-1,5 years old baby because of money shortage. Finally, I think that the government should sponsor baby sitters, kindergartens and all the period of maternity leave despite its duration.