My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Goran Dražić]

Vyacheslav16, I don't know what to tell ya, my friend. You used all the same words. It's not paraphrasing at all.

Did you try to come up with some synonyms to main words and phrases before writing?

[Vyacheslav16]

Did you try to come up with some synonyms to main words and phrases before writing?

Honestly speaking, I didn't think about synonyms since I changed the construction of the sentences. Does it count for paraphrasing?
Also, I see that I changed people for children and sports person for sportsman. That's not too much, of course.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Перефразировал, посмотрите, пожалуйста:
I am going to throw a huge housewarming party next week. I will prepare a lot of fascinating activities which many of my friends and relatives can do for fun. One of the most exciting of them is bungee jumping; there is a scary looking old bridge not so far from my house. Therefore, I expect you to come as well because I know that you have always been a really thrill seeker.

Также конечно интересно, как это сформулировали бы Вы.

Что-то я не поняла, какое отношение имеет bungee jumping к housewarming party...

I will organize a housewarming party next week. It is not going to be a huge party. Only close friends and relatives will join. It will probably be held in my house. I would be happy if you could come. I will send you an instruction how to get to my house later on.

I'm having a housewarming party next week. It's not going to be huge - just close friends and my family - but I hope to have a lot of fun! Can you and Jess make it? I'd love you to join us! I'll send you instructions on how to get to my place by the end of the week, when I find out a bit more about the area and local roads.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

The main idea of the first sentence is to confirm the statement of the task and further on I tried to explain why such case is existing. Because there are favorable conditions on the market and in the modern economy. However, I might be mistaken because introduction should be shorter and just paraphrase the task and give a link to the author ideas. Let me try:

It has been noticed that fashion had become very important for modern youngsters. This situation has risen concerns among our nation where some people think that such trends may badly influence the society. I would not agree with this statement and on the contrary I think that the society may benefit from it.

синее - зачем? В чем смысл? Просто бесмыссленный набор никому ненужных слов.
оранжевое - неправильный выбор грамматического времени.
has risen concerns --> has given rise to concerns
зеленое - а это вообще откуда? В формулировке эссе нет ничего по поводу our nation
красное - какие trends, тем более во множественном числе? Я еще могу понять (хотя мне и не нравится) ед. число, но множественное....
this statement - какой именно? Т.е. вы говорите, что не согласны со statement, что fashion is becoming a important for young people. Это и есть statement. А то, с чем вы не соглашаетесь - это opinion.

How about this variant?

--> How about this one? Слово variant - хороший пример 'ложных друзей'. Его употребление и функции в английском не совпадают с русским.

[kiggiss]

синее - зачем? В чем смысл? Просто бесмыссленный набор никому ненужных слов.
оранжевое - неправильный выбор грамматического времени.
has risen concerns --> has given rise to concerns
зеленое - а это вообще откуда? В формулировке эссе нет ничего по поводу our nation
красное - какие trends, тем более во множественном числе? Я еще могу понять (хотя мне и не нравится) ед. число, но множественное....
this statement - какой именно? Т.е. вы говорите, что не согласны со statement, что fashion is becoming a important for young people. Это и есть statement. А то, с чем вы не соглашаетесь - это opinion.

--> How about this one? Слово variant - хороший пример 'ложных друзей'. Его употребление и функции в английском не совпадают с русским.

Спасибо за разбор.

Пояснения: nation использовал для того, чтобы не повторять society. Насчет variant я до сих пор не был уверен в употреблении этого слова в английском, сейчас вы мне подсказали . Ненужные слова, это вроде как для связки Вообще, всегда испытываю проблемы с вступительным предложением. С грамматикой спасибо за корректировку, я чего то перемудрил со временами.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Спасибо за разбор.

Пояснения: nation использовал для того, чтобы не повторять society. Насчет variant я до сих пор не был уверен в употреблении этого слова в английском, сейчас вы мне подсказали . Ненужные слова, это вроде как для связки Вообще, всегда испытываю проблемы с вступительным предложением. С грамматикой спасибо за корректировку, я чего то перемудрил со временами.

Чтобы не мудрить, вступительное предложение начинайте сразу с главной идеи. Связывать-то пока все равно нечего

Т.е.
Fashion is ....
Young people are ...

The tense of the verb is a good substitute for 'nowadays' or 'now', unless of course the latter are important for whatever reason.

Society and nation - different meanings --> modern / contemporary world / globalised world , etc

[debugx]

Всем привет
Просьба посмотреть моё эссе:
Being a celebrity — such as a famous film star or sports personality — brings problems as well as benefits. Do you think that being a celebrity brings more benefits or more problems?

Plan:
1. Introduction. Rephrase topic. Answer the question.
2. Advantages
- money
- fame
- interesting job
3. Disadvantages
- lack of free time
- haunting paparazzi
- danger
4. Conclusion. Repeate answer in other words.

It is true that well known people who are always shown on TV and other media sources do not have 100% hassle-free life. While several advantages of being a celebrity can be taken into consideration, I personally believe that there are more troubles and downsides.

Several benefits usually spring to mind when people think about celebrities. First, they have a great wage; any other professionals barely can compete with them in the income. The well known football player Ronaldo, for instance, has a salary about 6 millions euro per year. It is tremendous amount of money even for politics and businessmen. Secondly, many ordinary people dream about the fame which many film stars have. Many celebrities are routinely published in fashion magazines, showed on TV and they have a lot of fans throughout the world. For example, Madonna will definitely be recognized wherever she goes. Furthermore, famous film or sport stars have a really fascinating job which they can enjoy every day. Many people call it happiness when a person has a job which he really likes to do.

On the other hand a couple of disadvantages of being a celebrity can be given consideration. Firstly, famous people do not have enough free time to spend it with their families or friends. They have to tour all over the world and it is sometimes very exhausting. Moreover, these people are always haunted by a huge number of paparazzi which make their life solely unbearable. For example, Britney Spears tend to go out disguising as a normal person; she usually put on sun glasses, kerchief and other attribute which make her difficult to recognize. It is also quite dangerous to be a famous person because they are more likely to be kidnapped with a sole purpose of monetary gain.

To conclude, it is clear that life of celebrities is not so happy and a life of ease as many people imagine.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Всем привет
Просьба посмотреть моё эссе:
....

А вы показывали это эссе своему преподавателю? Я надеюсь, что вы занимаетесь с преподавателем... Много грамматических ошибок.

For example, Britney Spears tendS to go out disguisED as a normal person (CUT); she usually putS on (--> wears) sun glasses, kerchief and other attribute (--> accessories), which makeS her difficult to recognize (--> it difficult to recognise her).


wage --> earning power / income / command good wages
... barely can compete ... --> ... can barely compete...
On the other hand, a couple ...


В общем, много вопросов к английскому языку.

[debugx]

Maimiti_Isabella, с преподавателем я стараюсь не тратить время на проверку эссе, а больше практиковать спикинг. По английскому языку понял. А по структуре эссе, как?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Maimiti_Isabella, с преподавателем я стараюсь не тратить время на проверку эссе,

А как же вы собираетесь улучшать английский?!

. А по структуре эссе, как?

Это взаимосвязано. Positive correlation, so to speak. The better your English, the better the essay organisation.


Мне не нравится самое начало - нет красивого вступления в тему. Непонятно к чему относится 'it is true'. А заключения вообще нет

Я не вижу и логику в развитии эссе. Т.е. в самом начале вы высказываете точку зрения, что больше troubles and downsides, и тут же начинаете след. абзац с того как хорошо быть celebrity . Для меня - явные проблемы с coherence/cohesion.

В общем, необходимо работать над английским прежде всего. Нет никаких tricks, увы!

6.0 - 6.5 - есть шанс получить. Но выше - не вижу без серьезной работы над английским.

[debugx]

Maimiti_Isabella, ясно, понял, буду работать.
А вот еще письмо из того же теста, посомтрите плиз:

You are working for a company. You need to take some time off work and want to ask your manager about this.
Write a letter to your manager. In your letter
- explain why you want to take time off work
- give details of the amount of time you need
- suggest how your work could be covered while you are away

Dear Mr.Johnson,

My name is Ivan Ivanov and I am writing to ask you about two days off work.

I need to take this time off work because my mother in law is arriving on Tuesday and I must provide her with hospitality and all appropriate services. She will help me and my wife to renovate our house which is in fairly squalid conditions now. I personally need to control the entire process of renovation because of without it our house may probably be renovated the wrong way. My mother in law will take care about wooden panels on the walls while I and my wife will do shutters and siding.

Two days off work will be enough because I will manage to give all necessary instructions and then the process of renovation will go smoothly.

I expect Alex to cover all my work during my absence. He is a very dependable person and he never shirks his responsibilities. Therefore, I think we will not miss the deadline for the current project. However, I have been trying to get hold of him for hours but he is possibly unable to answer my call. I believe that he is held up in traffic congestion. I will ask him to weight of my shoulders as soon as he comes to work.

I look forward to your response.

Yours Sincerely,
Ivan Ivanov

[АнатолийI]

Debugx,на мой взгляд в письме присутствуют излишние подробности про ремонт и, в конце, про коллегу..
Нет конкретных дат запрашиваемого отсутствия..
В целом как-то не дипломатично звучит по отношению к вашему менеджеру.
Сорри.

[debugx]

Проверьте плиз письмо и эссе из седьмого кембриджа:
You have recently started work in a new company.
Write a letter to an English-speaking friend. In your letter,
explain why you changed jobs
describe your new job
tell him / her your other news

Dear Mike,

Hope you are doing well. I am writing to share some interesting latest news.

Firstly, I changed my job recently which I was completely fed up with. I had to work overtime routinely because of a lot of extra tasks with very tight deadlines. This was fairly inconvenient for me because I was unable to spend enough time with my family. Actually, I went nuts upon hearing the news about the decision of our management to get the employees of the company worked hard on weekends as well. It was the last straw and I quitted the job.

The new job which I found is perfect. There are great opportunities for me to climb the career ladder. In a way it was a step down from my previous job because of the salary but with far better prospects in the future.

I also started attending very fascinating classes of samurai swords. Of course I am not allowed to use a real Japanese sword yet and I have to practice with a stick but anyway this is a really exciting sport.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours sincerely,
Ivan Ivanov

Some people prefer to live in a house, while others feel that there are more prons to living in an apartment. Are there more advantages than disadvantages of living in a house compared with living in an apartment?

Plan:
1. Introduction. Rephrase topic, answer the question.
2. Advantages of living in an appartment
- well-developed infrastructure of the block
- it is chipper
- it is easier to mantain an appartment
- commuting
3. Advantages of living in a house
- more space for children
- neighbours do not bother
- fresh air
4. Conclusion. Answer the question in other words.

Nowadays, the housing is one of the most important questions which people routinely tend to address. While some people claim that there are more benefits in living in an apartment, I personally believe that there are more downsides and living in a detached house is much better.

One argument put forward in favor of living in an apartment is that it is usually located in the area with all necessary well-developed infrastructures. For example, there is a quite more significant range of sport clubs, restaurants, bars, museums and schools in the places with high rise buildings than in the suburbs where people live in their own detached houses. Furthermore, having a flat is much cheaper in comparison to having a house because a person does not need to pay for the land, huge amount of consumed electricity or heat, etc. It is also considerably easier to maintain an apartment than a house because living in a house is always a struggle with the nature. For example, in the spring people have to get rid of water in the cellar, in the winter all area in the back yard should be cleaned from snow, etc.

However, I do not believe these arguments stand up to scrutiny. The first and foremost advantage of living in the detached house is a space. The area is usually very spacious and comfortable for raising children; they usually love to play in such places. Secondly, almost all people sooner or later face a problem of noisy neighbors which live in the next flat. By contrast, in a house neighbors usually do not make any troubles even if they throw a huge party because of the significant distance between buildings. The last but not least reason which can be taken into consideration is fresh air. Houses are often built in the suburbs which provide people with much cleaner environment because of the lack of factories and exhaust fumes.

To conclude, while several reasons can be given to justify living in a flat, it is clear that living in a house is far more beneficial for people.

[agronom]

покритикуйте и меня пожалуйста

It is generally believed that some people are born with certain talents, for instance for sport or music, and others are not. However, it is sometimes claimed that any child can be taught to become a good sports person or musician.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.


The issue of whether the genius is a result of hard work or an inherent trait has sparked heated debates in recent decades. This essay will discuss both these theories and introduce my point of view on this matter.

To start with, all people are the same physiologically from their birth; however, some parents pay more attention to development of their kids* certain traits. Consequently, their children gain the best results in sport, science, music etc. For instance, the legend of box Mike Tyson started boxing in his earliest childhood and became the Champion of the World without any specific physical conditions. Another person is Michail Lomonosov, who was outstanding scientist, was keen on studying process and became famous inventor and researcher owing to his great contribution to science. Both these people are good template of development their skills from childhood.

However, many people(are insisting) assert that all great identities have their talents from birth. According to their statement, unusual faculties should only be correctly identified and developed in a future. For example, a famous singer Placido Domingo gained fame owing to his unique tone of voice which could not be trained. Therefore, the statement that all talents are inherent has a substantial base.

It can be concluded that both these views have obvious supporting examples. Personally, I believe that everyone can develop special skills if (he or she pays)they pay attention to the study and work hard. Even such great identity( like)as Placido Domingo would not have gained acceptance if he had not spent much time studying solfeggio and vocal.

[Dremlin]

покритикуйте и меня пожалуйста

It is generally believed that some people are born with certain talents, for instance for sport or music, and others are not. However, it is sometimes claimed that any child can be taught to become a good sports person or musician.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.


The issue of whether the genius is a result of hard work or an inherent trait has sparked heated debates in recent decades. In my point of view, everyone can be trained in various spheres and reach a great results.

To start with, all people have the same physical construction from their born. But, some parents pay more attention to development of their kids* certain traits. Consequently, their children gain the best results in sport, science, music ext. For instance, the legend ob box Mike Tayson started boxing in his earliest childhood and became The Champion of the World without any specific physical conditions. Another person, Lomonosov, who was outstanding scientist, was keen on studying process and became a famous owing to his great contribution to science. Both these people are a good template of development their skills from childhood.

However, many people are insisting that all great identities have their talents from born. According to their statement, unusual faculties should be only correctly identified and developed in a future. For example, a famous singer Placido Domingo gained a fame owing to his unique tone of voice which could not be trained. Therefore, the statement that all talents are inherent has a substantial base.

It can be concluded that both these views have obvious examples to support. Personally, I believe that everyone can develop special skills if he or she pays attention to the study and work hard. Even such great identity like Placido Domingo would have not gain acceptance if he had not spent much time studying solfeggio and vocal.

Добрый день.

На мой взгляд, логичнее дать свой опинион в заключении единожды. А то получается, что Вы даете его и в интро и в конклюжене.
kids - ? по-моему, лучше children, offspring, descendants.
The Champion of the World - the world champion
physical construction - ? conditions or abilities
But, - informal; use However, Nevertheless and so on
проблема с артиклями
became a famous - ?
people are a good template
Tayson - Tyson
the legend ob box - the legendary boxer
Another person, Lomonosov - Another person is Michail Lomonosov. Обычно нужно писать фул нэйм.
many people are insisting - люди настойчиво требуют???
Even such great identity like Placido Domingo - не уверен на счет правильности использования слово identity, such + like - не слышал, обычно such + as. И артикль a great.